As we approached the door to Justin’s room, I slowed down a bit. Gus stopped a few feet ahead of me and turned around. His eyes were questioning. I cleared my throat and looked around trying to find something to fix my eyes on, finding nothing I looked down at the floor.
I couldn’t explain it, the feeling of dread and hopelessness that had overwhelmed me as soon as we’d gotten within a few blocks of the hospital. I’d wanted to turn the Jeep around and get as far away from there as possible, but I’d promised Gus, so this was where we had to be.
“I’m going to wait out here. Give you some time alone with him.”
Gus shook his head in protest. “Please come with me?” He looked scared.
I nodded and followed him as he entered Justin’s room. I cringed when I saw Justin’s face, it was twisted in pain. His breathing seemed erratic and I knew immediately he was having a nightmare.
Gus stopped at the door and he suddenly got pale. I could see him wobble a little as he tried to back up and nearly fell into me. I put my arms out and steadied him.
“Sonny boy? Are you alright?”
He was nodding but he didn’t look right.
“I think I’m going to pass out.”
I moved him over to a chair in the corner of the room and made him put his head between his knees. I’d seen someone do that once on a television show and it seemed to help. After a few minutes he sat back up and looked at me, he still seemed a little dazed.
“Are you okay Gus?”
He nodded again, and this time I was able to believe him a little more.
“I’m going to get you some juice or something.”
Gus nodded and stared over at Justin. I started for the door, but found myself pulling toward Justin’s bed. He was so frantic in his nightmare. I wanted to comfort him too. I put my hand on his face and gently caressed his cheek.
“It’s okay sunshine. You’re okay now.”
My face was right next to his as I whispered into his ear.
“Nothing’s going to hurt you.”
His face took on an almost calm look again and I could feel his breath on my cheek as it started to resemble something closer to normal. I looked up and saw Gus watching. He smiled a little and I remembered the juice that I was going to get for him. I walked toward the door and looked back in at my boys.
“I’ll be right back.”
Gus slowly got to his feet and I saw him move the chair he was in closer to Justin’s bed. He placed his hand on Justin’s arm and patted it softly. I watched for a few moments from the window, just to make sure they were both alright, and then I quickly went to get some juice for Gus.
As I opened the door I heard the last of what Gus had been saying.
“…and I know he still does.”
I didn’t want to think about what he might be saying to Justin. It probably wouldn’t have bothered me before, since Justin couldn’t hear him, only now I wasn’t sure. The way he’d calmed down when I talked to him… I knew he could hear us now.
I handed the juice to Gus and stood next to him and watched until I was sure he’d finish it all. My eyes then focused on Justin’s face. He looked a little older, I suppose it’s the first time I’d actually noticed. Instinctively I reached out and pushed back his bangs, he needed a haircut. I caught Gus looking up at me and I turned away.
We stayed there in silence for quite a long time.
My thoughts drifted back to one of the last times I’d seen Justin before this happened. I’d stopped in to the diner to get a sandwich on the way home from work. I’d sat down at the counter and given my order to some kid. As I sat there waiting the door opened. Of course I knew before I looked up that Justin would be walking in. I always knew when he walked into a room.
The sight of him had taken my breath away for a second. He had on an old pair of torn jeans and a blue sweatshirt so faded and old that the sleeves were fraying in spots. Of course it was splashed with different shades of paint; probably from whatever masterpiece he’d just finished painting.
My order was placed in front of me and I tossed some money down on the counter. We passed each other as I was heading toward the door. My eyes caught his and I slowed down instinctively.
“Hey Brian.” He always spoke first and it always caught me off guard when he did.
“Hey.” I stood there uncomfortably.
“How’ve you been?” His eyes were locked with mine, and I wanted to turn away.
“Good.” I still felt uncomfortable around him. I don’t know how he can stand there and be polite. ‘I’m the guy that hurt you?’ I want to scream. Instead I continue this small talk.
“You?”
“I’m good.” He smiled that damn smile at me and I had to look away.
“That’s good.” Christ how many times can the word good be used in one conversation?
“You look good Brian.” I smiled.
“So do you.” He laughed and pointed at his shirt.
“I look like shit. I was working; I got hungry and decided I didn’t care what I looked like I needed some food.” He grinned again.
“You look good Justin.” ‘Shut up Brian’ I told myself “Listen, I’ve got to go. It was good seeing you.”
“Yeah. Good to see you too.” And that was how we’d left it, at ‘good’. That was pretty much the way any conversation we’d had in the last ten years had gone, just small talk and discomfort.
I pulled myself out of my little trip down memory lane, and stared out the window.
Gus kept fidgeting with the blanket on the bed. Gus started sniffling and I knew before I looked at him that he was crying. His face focused on Justin. In all of his seventeen years I’d never seen my son like this. He was inconsolable, he looked absolutely devastated. He stood up quickly and started toward the door.
“Hey?”
He turned.
“Do you want to leave?”
He shook his head.
“I just need a few minutes away.”
I nodded and watched him walk out into the hallway. I took his place in the chair next to Justin’s bed and found myself instinctively lacing my fingers with his.
“You need to wake up Justin. I need your help. Gus is… he’s not taking this too well. He’s cracking. He feels so damn guilty about you getting hurt. Wake up and let him know that it’s okay. Let him know you’re okay. Tell him it isn’t his fault.”
I watched his face, actually expecting his eyes to open. I was expecting him to be there for Gus, he couldn’t let Gus down, but his face remained the same. His eyes closed. His breathing was the only sound in the room now.
“Help me Justin. Damnit! I need you. You always know what to do, especially with Gus. Help me Justin, please.”
I stared at him, willing him to wake up. Then I felt his fingers tighten against mine. I looked down my eyes open wide and unbelieving. I couldn’t see any movement, but I could feel it ever so slightly.
“Come on Justin. You can do this. Open your eyes.”
The door behind me opened and I turned expecting to see Gus, instead I was greeted by the sight of a nurse. I clear my throat.
“He moved his fingers.”
She smiled at me sadly.
“It’s just a reflex, don’t get your hopes up. It happens all the time.”
I shook my head not believing her.
“No. It’s not a reflex.”
She ignored me and continued about doing her job. She left the room as I stared at Justin’s fingers.
“Can you hear me Justin?”
I waited. Then I felt it again.
“I knew it.”
Gus opened the door and came around beside me.
“I brought you some coffee.”
I gesture toward the nightstand next to Justin’s bed. He sets it down and I see him rub his eyes sleepily.
“You ready to go?”
He nods. I’m still holding onto Justin’s fingers and I can’t let them go. I pull the keys to the Jeep out of my pocket with my other hand and give them to him. He looks at me questioningly.
“Go ahead. Take the Jeep. Go back to the loft and get some sleep.”
He doesn’t move, just stares at me.
“I’m staying here.”
I feel Justin’s fingers move again against mine.
“I’ll just take a cab to work. You can take the Jeep to school.”
He doesn’t argue and I’m sure it’s from lack of sleep. He hugs me and kisses my cheek. Then he leans over and touches Justin’s shoulder lightly as if to reassure himself that Justin is still there.
He leaves and as the door closes behind him I move my chair closer to the bed. I speak softly and just keep repeating his name to let him know that I’m here and I’m waiting for him to wake up.
“Justin…”
“Justin…”
“Justin…”
To be continued.