I enter the loft and it’s quiet. Gus is still sleeping on the sofa. He doesn’t look like he’s moved an inch. I lock up and head toward my bedroom. My eyes feel so damn heavy. I haven’t really slept in three weeks and now that I know I can, I suddenly feel exhausted.

I drift off to sleep. My mind loves to play games with me when I’m not in control, but tonight at least my mind is being kind. I’m dreaming of Justin. He’s standing under a streetlamp outside of Babylon. Now I’m talking to him… that whole first night is replaying for me while I sleep. I’m just about to take Justin for the first time when something wakes me. I sit up and look around disoriented, almost expecting to see Justin there with me.

I look out into the loft and I see Gus thrashing around on the sofa. The blanket I covered him with earlier is all twisted around him and he’s struggling with it in his sleep. He’s beginning to make sounds now. He’s moaning, no groaning, and then he’s yelling. I hear him scream out “JUSTIN!!!!!!”

I jump out of bed and rush out to him. He’s still asleep and frantic. I can remember the nightmares I had after Justin’s prom. I push that out of my mind.

“Gus! GUS!” I shake him slightly and his eyes open. He’s looking at me wildly and disoriented. He sits straight up and looks ready to attack. I sit down next to him and put my arm around him.

“It’s okay Gus. It’s just a dream. Relax.”

He’s choking back a sob and I pull him into my arms.

“Shhhhh. Sonny boy, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

I’m petting his hair trying to comfort him. He’s shaking his head and still crying, but he’s holding onto me tight.

“Gus.”

He won’t look at me. He’s shaking and holding onto me. I just let him cry for awhile, until his breathing starts to calm down some.

“Gus.”

He looks up at me, pulling away a little.

“It’s okay.” My eyes are searching his face hoping to see that he’s okay now.

“No it’s not.” He’s looking away from me, won’t let my eyes lock onto his.

“Yes it is.” I take his chin in my hand and force our eyes to meet. He seems to break a little.

“I couldn’t stop it dad.”

I nod and hug him again. He sobs once more. He’s hurting so much and I’m not sure what to do to help him. The truth is the only thing I know, so I use it.

“I know you couldn’t stop it, but it’s not your fault.”

He chokes back a sob and looks up at me finally. He looks like he’s going to crumble.

“What if he dies?”

I take in a deep breath. ‘What if he dies?’ I think it myself and I want to crumble, but I can’t I have to do this for Gus. I have to reassure him, maybe even reassure myself.

“He’s not going to die.”

He looks away now and speaks quietly, as if he doesn’t want me to hear him.

“He might.”

My voice is slightly louder than his as I answer him.

“He won’t”

Gus stands up and walks over to the window. He stares out into the street for a long time before he says anything. I’m at a loss for words, so I just watch him. I know that sometimes silence is the best thing for a person.

“I see it every night.” He turns and looks at me. I realize now why he’s not eating. Hell he’s not even sleeping really. How had I missed this? How had Lindsay missed it?

“I even try not to fall asleep at night, so that it won’t happen again in my head.” He holds his head in his hands as if he’s trying to literally push what happened out of it.

“You’ve had nightmares every night since it happened?”

He nodded. I could see his pattern now.

“So you wake up and go to the hospital?”

He nods again and looks at the door.

“Do you want to go now?” I look at the clock, it’s almost 5:00 AM.

“I have to.” He says it with such conviction.

“What do you mean? You have to?”

He starts to sob again quietly. I get off the sofa and hold him while he cries. He’s so sensitive like Lindsay and Justin. I almost envy the way he can share his feelings so easily.

“I have to… I have to see that he’s not dead. He always dies in my dreams.”

I let my arms fall to my sides and I turn around.

“Dad? You okay?”

With my back to him, I smile a little. There he is trying to take care of me now.

“I’m fine sonny boy. Get ready and we’ll go to the hospital.”

I start to walk toward my bedroom but Gus stops me. He has his hand on my shoulder. I look back at him.

“He loves you.”

I nod. “I know.”

“Do you know what he said to me?”

“When?”

“That night.”

“What did he say?”

“He told me that he’d never been happier than when he was with you. He remembers all the good times. He remembers everything you shared.”

“There were some good times, but the bad times outweighed the good Gus. That’s why I let him go.”

“Did you even talk to him? Do you know how he felt?”

”There was nothing to talk about Gus. It had to end.”

“You’re so fucking selfish.”

I’m shocked by his words.

“Now you sound like Mel. I’m not as fucking selfish as everyone wants to believe. Pushing him away was the most unselfish thing I’ve ever done. Do you think it’s what I wanted?”

He looks at me like a child and starts to cry again. “Then why? WHY?”

“I’ve told you Gus…” I started.

“…it’s for the best.” He finishes my sentence with me.

“Forget it! If you want to live your life alone and miserable that’s fine! FUCK IT! Why the hell should I care?”

He storms past me and goes into the bathroom. I slowly climb the stairs to my bedroom and change into something suitable to wear to the hospital. I then head into the kitchen and start a pot of coffee for myself.

Gus finally emerges from the bathroom as I’m finishing my second cup. He’s looking at the floor almost embarrassed.

“You ready, sonnyboy?”

He looks up at me and nods.

“I’m sorry, Dad.”

“What for?” I smile to let him know that nothing has changed between us, that I understand his anger.

“For being a drama princess.”

He gives me an almost smile and I reach out to hug him.

“Come on… Let’s go see Justin.”

To be continued.