I guess I really didn’t want to be alone, because now that Gus is here I’m feeling a little calmer. We’ve avoided the subject of Justin all night, and for now I think that’s for the best.

He put in a video after we were done eating, we haven’t really talked much, but that’s okay. The semi-silence is calming. Knowing that someone else is there if either one of us needs to talk is comforting. He looks so tired, and twice I’ve caught him nearly falling asleep but jerking himself back awake at the last possible second.

His voice is quiet, but I hear him all the same as he asks. “Do you think it would be okay if I stayed over tonight?”

I nodded. “Yeah.” I stood up and went into the kitchen. “You can stay, just call and let your mothers know.” He nodded and we fell back into the silence.

I started putting the leftovers away, and then began washing the dishes we’d used for dinner. I noticed that the casserole and both of our plates looked nearly untouched. I look in at Gus. He’s stretched out on the sofa now and yawning. I feel the contagious nature of his yawn take over in me; before I busy myself again with the kitchen clean up.

When I’m done, I notice he’s fallen asleep. I pick up the phone and dial Lindsay and Mel’s house. I get the machine.

“Hi we’re not home right now. Leave a message and we’ll call you back. Bye!”

“Hey Linz. Sonny boy is going to crash here tonight. He’s asleep already. I’ll talk to you later.”

With that done, I go in and take a quick shower. I have to get ready to go out. I suppose I could go see Mikey and the guys at Woody’s. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do; at least that’s what I tell myself I’ll do.

I leave a note for Gus, in case he wakes up, and wonders where I’ve gone. I let him know I’ve got my cell with me, in case he needs me for anything. I stop before leaving and stand over him for a few minutes, watching him sleep. I grab a blanket from the bedroom and cover him, and then I leave him alone in the loft.

I do actually make it to Woody’s. I even park the jeep and get out. I’m halfway up the stairs, but then I find myself turning around and walking back to my jeep. I know where I’m going, where I’ve actually been planning to go all night. Same place as always.

That’s when I hear Mikey’s voice “Brian! Brian!” I stop and turn around.

“I didn’t think you’d come.”

“I said I would. Didn’t I?”

“Why are you headed the wrong way then?”

“I… I think I forgot to lock the door.” Mikey stood watching as I pretended to go check the locks on the jeep doors. I didn’t want to be here. I want to go check on Justin, but now I’m stuck.

We head into Woody’s and Emmett and Ted are holding down two bar stools as we approach them. Ted makes some stupid remark, I’m not listening. Emmett puts his hand out and is touching me, I’m ignoring him as well. Mikey hands me a drink and I scan the room instinctively. No one catches my eye, doesn’t matter anyway, I’m not planning on staying much longer anyway. The three of them are exchanging stories, talking, whatever, and I’m almost pretending to pay attention. That’s when I hear it.

“It’s not like Brian even cares.” I shoot them all one of my most pissed off looks.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

I’m not sure which one of them even said it, their voices weren’t really registering. I had my mind on other things, on Justin actually. From the look on Ted’s face, I’m pretty sure he’s the one that had been speaking. Emmett is looking at me with worried eyes now.

“Ted?”

He fumbles a little for his words. That’s not unusual for Ted. Then he seems to pick up some confidence.

“We’re talking about Justin. It’s not like you care anymore. You threw him away years ago.”

Well it’s nice to know everyone has bought my act. I’ve been playing it well; I’d probably be content with that knowledge if it had come a month ago.

Emmett chimes in now. “He’s not doing good Brian. Did you know that? Has anyone told you?”

I look at him blankly. Has anyone told me? I see if for myself every night.

“What does he care Emmett? You know how he’s treated Justin for the last ten years. It’s like he’s already dead to him.”

I clench my jaw and hold back everything inside of me. Right now I’m so fucking close to tears I can’t even believe it. I’m also so damn close to knocking Ted out that I’m doing my best to stay in control.

“He’s not dead.” It comes out as a whisper and I put my beer down on the bar and just walk toward the exit. I can hear Mikey and Emmett trying to call me back to them. I even hear Ted apologizing.

I’m fumbling with my car keys in the lock. Why the fuck did I even come here? As I get inside of the jeep I sit and try to get my emotions back in check. A few hundred deep breaths and I’m almost okay. I won’t be okay until I see him.

I just stare in the window, watching as he sleeps. I talk to him in my mind.

‘Hey Justin. I saw your dad today. You should have been there. He still fuckin’ hates me. It all evens out though, because I still hate him too. I know I know. You don’t want to hear it. Don’t want me to say anything bad about him. I’ll never get that. He’s a prick, just like my old man.’

It’s strange, just talking to him in my head, I feel like he’s answering me, but I know he isn’t. He’s just laying there breathing. At least he’s breathing on his own, that first night he was hooked up to a ventilator, just after he got out of surgery. I swear seeing him like that I thought for sure he was going to die, but he pulled through that, even when the doctors didn’t think he would. Now I just wish he’d pull himself out of this coma.

I can’t stand being out here. I need to be closer so I go inside the room. I stand close to the door. Yeah this is better. I lean back against the wall and watch him. Ted’s words are stuck in my head.

Some time later a nurse comes in and checks on him. She changes his IV and motions to the chair next to the bed.

“You might as well sit. You’re not really holding that wall up you know?”

I do as she says and find myself sitting next to him.

“You know, a lot of people believe that they can hear you. Why don’t you talk to him. You’ve obviously got a lot on your mind. It shows all over your face. It might help you both.” With those words of wisdom she leaves.

“I don’t know if she’s right Justin. Is she? Can you hear me?”

I watch his face and know I won’t get an answer from him. I’m not really expecting one, just hoping I guess.

“I didn’t just throw you away. I just didn’t want to hurt you anymore.”

I take his hand in mine, and look down at his face.

“I did what I had to do. Do you know how bad it hurt?”

I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly before continuing.

“I just wanted to see you happy. I hated seeing the hurt in your eyes all the time. Almost the same look I use to see in my mother’s eyes when my father disappointed her time after time.”

I put his hand to my lips and kissed his fingers lightly.

“I hated knowing that I kept hurting you over and over. You were so young, too young to be miserable all the time. I didn’t want to do to you what he did to her. I didn’t want you to grow old and be miserable.”

I couldn’t continue. I didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry.” It’s whispered. I lay my chin down on the bed and just stare up at him.

“I miss you so much.”

I just sit there now, staring up at him and holding onto his hand. A new nurse comes in and that signals to me that it’s nearly morning. I’m going to have to leave. I wait until she’s gone before I get up. I lightly brush my lips against his, it’s something I haven’t done in so long, but it feels so right.

“Just fight Justin… please?”

I walk down the hallway and notice that it’s not nearly as late or early, as I’d assumed. I might still be able to get some sleep tonight. After talking to Justin, I felt like maybe I could sleep a little. Even if he hadn’t heard me, I still felt like we’d resolved something. I should have told him all of those things ten years ago.

I never should have let him feel thrown away. I knew that’s where Ted had heard the thrown away comment. From either Justin himself, or Emmett, it was definitely something he would have said. I shake my head trying not to think about it.

To be continued…