I was exhausted as I drove home. Just a few more blocks and I'd be there. At least traffic was light, one of the perks of leaving work early I suppose. I saw Lindsay's car parked outside of my loft. I parked behind her car and hoped that it was just a car like hers, not that I don't love her; I just want to be alone right now.

It was her all right; she'd left the loft door cracked open. I stepped inside, but didn't feel up to my usual snide remarks, well maybe just one.

"Trying to rob the place while I'm at work?"

She was in the kitchen and she jumped at the sound of my voice. Turning and smiling she gestured a bag on the counter.

"I brought you some dinner." She pulled a casserole dish out and placed it in the oven. "Shouldn't take long to warm up, I thought you might be hungry. Why are you home so early?"

I'd continued walking as she talked. From the bedroom where I was changing I answered her. "Slow afternoon, decided to cut out early and get some beauty rest before I hit the clubs tonight."

"Brian, you haven't been to the clubs in years."

"Well maybe tonight I'm going." I came out of the bedroom wearing a pair of black sweatpants and sat down at the counter. Lindsay opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water for me. I shook my head no so she placed it back on the shelf. Instead I slid a bottle of Jim Beam over and poured myself a small glass.

"Ahhh, Hard liquor in the afternoon. Tough day?"

"Tough life." I murmured back at her. I saw her looking at me full of worry. A sort of sad smile crossed my face. "Don't feel sorry for me Lindz…"

"I'm not. I just want you to be happy." I almost laughed at that. Happy? When had I ever been happy? With him… Shit! I poured myself a little more and drank it down quickly.

"Shouldn't you be home baking cookies for our son? Doesn't he need an after school snack or something?" Maybe I could be just sarcastic enough to get her to leave, without totally offending her.

Christ, now she's laughing at me. I cock an eyebrow at her and wait for some indication as to what caused that little outburst of giggling.

"Eat a cookie? Are you serious? He's afraid he'll gain an ounce. He's truly your son Brian."

"Since when?" This little bit of news shocked me.

"Hmm.. For a few weeks now. He eats like a bird, says he doesn't want to gain any weight."

"Are you kidding me? He usually eats like a horse; I don't know anyone that eats like that boy. Except for maybe Justin, when he was his age." I sighed and didn't even try to hide the look of pain I felt just then, saying his name.

"Brian I'm sure it's just a phase. Kids go through them all the time. Remember when he decided he was only going to eat foods that were green?"

I laughed remembering how serious Gus had been when he'd made that statement. He was about 6 years old and green was his favorite color. He was only going to wear green clothes, eat green food, everything had to be green. Lindsay had been frantic; worried that he wouldn't get enough protein or calcium. It lasted about a week.

He was spending the weekend with us, and Justin made him up his own special dinner. Brussel sprouts, broccoli, green beans and green Jello. Then he made Gus's favorite dessert, German chocolate cake. When Gus wanted a piece, Justin just laughed and said "Nope, sorry Gus. It's not green." That was all it took. He decided right then that maybe green wasn't the only color of food he'd eat. Justin was always good with him, I thought and smiled.

"So it's no big deal." I heard Lindsay saying it, but I wasn't convinced. It just didn't seem like the kid I knew. "You'll see for yourself, he's coming over to eat dinner with you tonight. Mel and I are going out to dinner, and since I had to cook for him anyway and I hate for him to eat alone, we decided I'd bring it over here and get it ready for the two of you."

I nodded aimlessly at her. My damn thoughts stuck back on Justin again. I felt her pull the glass I was holding out of my hands.

"So I'd appreciate it, if you'd lay off of this for now. Gus doesn't need to see you drinking yourself into oblivion." I glared at her.

"Oblivion? I had one fuckin' drink after work."

"Two" She corrected me. "and from the look on your face. I don't think you were planning on making it your last. What's going on with you Brian?"

"Nothing." I said standing up and crossing the room. "How long until dinner is ready?"

She sighed. "Another twenty minutes should do it. Gus should be here by then."

I nodded. She knew she wasn't going to get much more conversation out of me and started to gather up her things. She came over and kissed my cheek softly. "Well I'd better be going. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I nodded again and she left.

I pulled my legs up on the sofa and hugged them with my arms, my head dropped down on my knees and I sighed. It's weird, it's times like these when I miss him the most. When I'm scared, yeah I admit I'm scared to death. I don't think he's going wake up this time. He doesn't look good. He's so pale so fragile. I haven't been able to get that image out of my mind. It's times like these when I need him to comfort me, reassure me that everything is going to be fine. Again, it's all about me, isn't it? I need him… Christ how selfish can I get? He's the one that's hurt. I just sit with my eyes closed trying to push the thoughts of him out of my head.

I hear Gus as he comes into the loft and I stand up. "Hey sonny boy. Dinner should be ready now." I look over as I'm walking toward the kitchen and something seems off about Gus. I can't put my finger on it, so I keep my eyes on him.

He shrugs off his book bag and his jacket. He's nearly as tall as I am but he looks small right now, his shoulders are slumped forward. He looks almost as tired as I feel. I serve up two plates of Lindsay's chicken casserole masterpiece and take them over to the table. Gus sits down and picks up his fork without saying a word. A sad silence hangs in the air as both of us spend more time shifting the food around on our plates, than actually eating.

To be continued.