I didn’t mean to say the words out loud to him yesterday, but I did. They were out of my mouth before I even realized it and for that I’m grateful. Sitting out here in this waiting room I know that if I hadn’t, I would be wishing that I had told him one more time what he meant to me, just in case I don’t ever get to see him again.
I look over at Jennifer. She’s holding a balled up tissue in her hand. She looks over at me and forces a smile. I don’t try to return it because that seems like such bullshit. Smiling right now is the last fucking thing I want to do. Instead I run my fingers through my hair roughly and stand up. I can’t sit anymore so I begin my pacing mode.
“Jennifer… Brian…”
I turn around and see Craig Taylor standing in the doorway of the waiting room. Jennifer looks at me nervously then looks up at him with an expression that I can’t quite read. He sits down next to her and takes her hand. She leans into him and I get to witness their tender little embrace.
“Nice.” My voice is inundated with sarcasm. I turn away and find myself staring out a tiny sliver of a window at the snow falling from the sky.
“I’m going to go have a cigarette.” I don’t even look in their direction as I cross the room and head out into the hallway.
I just want the elevator door to open so I can get as far away from Justin’s dad as possible. Finally I hear the faint ‘ding’ of the elevator bell and a sense of calmness briefly washes over me. That only lasts for a few seconds though, as I see Lindsay step off of the elevator with Gus following behind her.
She smiles at me sympathetically and pulls me into a hug.
“I’m sorry we couldn’t get here earlier.”
I let myself stay wrapped up in her hug for a few minutes before I finally break free of it.
“You didn’t have to come. It’s not like he’s going to know if you’re here or not.”
She looks at me and purses her lips.
“I didn’t come for Justin. I’m here to support you Brian.”
I nod and notice that Gus is standing back a few feet away from his mother. He looks like he’s going to be sick. His face is drained of color and he looks like he’s scared to death.
“You okay Gus?” I ask as I move past Lindsay toward him. He nods and rushes into my arms. Lindsay must suddenly realize that I was trying to get onto the elevator, which has long since moved onto another floor.
“Why aren’t you in the waiting room? Is Jennifer in there?”
I clear my throat and pull back slightly from Gus. He takes in a deep breath and seems to have composed himself again. I look over at Lindsay and my face obviously gives me away.
“What’s wrong? Oh my God… Is Justin okay?”
“Justin’s okay.” I assure them both when I feel Gus tense up in my arms; he’s practically clinging to me. I make eye contact with Gus and apparently he sees the truth in my words and calms down again.
“I needed a cigarette. Jennifer’s in there.” I take a deep breath and swallow before adding. “With Craig.”
Lindsay’s eyes go wide and she nods at me as if she understands.
“His dad?” Gus asks angrily finally letting go of the hold he had on me. He obviously feels the same way that I do about the man.
“Yeah.” I shake my head and sigh.
“What the fuck is he doing here?”
I shrug and stare at the elevator. After a few moments of silence I look over at Lindsay.
“Maybe you could find that out?” I ask her quietly.
She nods.
“You want to come outside with me?” I ask Gus as I hit the button for the elevator again.
“Yeah.” He says quietly and leans against the wall closest to the elevator. Lindsay goes over to smother him a bit.
“Are you sure you feel okay baby? You feel a little hot.” She’s got her hand on his forehead and he’s squirming slightly trying to get away from her.
“I’m fine! Just stop okay?” She sighs and backs away from him.
“I’ll be in the waiting room.” As she passes me she reaches out and squeezes my hand.
Once we get to the ground floor Gus heads over to the gift shop and starts thumbing through a magazine. I head for the smoking area knowing he’ll either join me out there or I’ll catch up to him back inside before I head upstairs. Standing outside in the cold I shiver slightly and light my cigarette. I notice a few people coming and going, but I don’t pay much attention to them. Until a guy comes up to me and he’s standing just a few feet away. I look up and see Craig Taylor lighting up. He looks over at me and I immediately look away.
“I’m not here to start anything with you, okay?”
I give him one of my best indifferent expressions as I look back at him.
“He’s my son. I need to be here.” He takes a long drag off of his cigarette and watches me intently.
“Always the concerned father.” I scoff at him. I’m wondering if he’s conveniently forgotten that he’s had nothing to do with Justin’s life for the last seventeen years.
“Listen pal…” He starts in on me.
“I’m not your pal… got it?” I snap back at him.
“I’m not here to start a fight with you.” He lowers his voice.
“For once.” I sigh and roll my eyes.
“Brian, can I just talk for a second?” He’s looking at me, his eyes are practically pleading with me to take pity upon him.
“Knock yourself out. Don’t be offended if I don’t listen to you.” I don’t want to hear what he has to say but if he’s determined to talk to me I figure there’s not much I can do to avoid it.
He’s quiet for awhile and I’m pretty sure he’s figured out that I don’t give a damn why he’s here.
“I was wrong.” He says it so quietly that I almost don’t hear it.
“What?”
“I was wrong. So many times and so many ways I’ve been wrong. I can’t change it and I can’t do anything to make up for it. I would if I could…”
“When did you finally figure all of this out?” I cut him off.
“Does it matter?” He asks me seriously.
“Not to me, but it might to Justin.” I shrug and crush out a cigarette.
“It was the day he graduated from college.”
“That was a good day.” I tell him and I can’t help but smile remembering how proud I was of him, how excited he was when he got his degree, the huge fuss that Debbie and Jennifer made about it not to mention the party they threw, and how hot he looked later that night in bed wearing only his mortar board.
“I missed so many important moments. I wish I could turn back time and change the things I’ve done.” I nod and light up another one absentmindedly.
“Impossible to do…” I sigh. Thinking of a few things I know I’d definitely change.
“I just need to be here today Brian. I don’t plan on seeing him. You were right that day in the hall. This isn’t the time or the place to try to make amends. I just want to make sure he gets through this.”
“He’ll get through this.” I whispered without realizing it.
“He’s strong. He’s going to be okay.” I stated this time at full volume.
Craig nodded and extinguished his cigarette.
“I’m going to go back upstairs. Jennifer’s a nervous wreck.”
I watched him walk away and I finally saw him for what he’d become, a beaten down, lonely, old man full of regrets. Maybe Justin would get what he always wanted, his father’s love and acceptance.
I’m not sure how long I stood out there in the cold, but Gus finally came out and sat down a few feet from where I was standing.
“I saw him come out here. Did he say anything to you?”
“I think he actually came out here to talk to me.”
“Well I don’t see any bruises or cuts. No fighting this time?”
“Nope. We were actually civilized.”
Gus doesn’t push for anything else and I can’t help but love that about him. I stub out a cigarette that I don’t remember lighting and I’m not sure if I’ve even been smoking it.
“Let’s go back inside.” He suggests and I follow him toward the entrance.
When we get back to the waiting room Lindsay is sitting down on one side of Jennifer while Craig sits on the other. I look around and see Michael is sitting across from them and I take the seat next to him.
“Any word yet?” I ask Jennifer knowing full well we won’t hear anything for at least a few more hours. She shakes her head slowly indicating that she’s not heard anything yet.
“That’s good right?” Michael pipes up.
“Yeah.” I answer.
“Hey Gus, do you want to go with me to get some drinks?” Michael asks.
Gus shrugs and gets up.
“I guess. You want anything Dad?”
“Coffee.” I know I don’t need to tell him what to put in it. He’s been fixing my coffee for me since he was seven years old.
“No. Thank you, sweetie.” Jennifer answered.
“Mom?”
“Something fizzy would be good.”
“Anything for you Craig?” He asks politely.
Craig seems surprised by the question.
“Uh… coffee would be good.”
Jennifer turns to Lindsay and pats her arm.
“He’s such a sweet boy. I don’t know what I would have done if it hadn’t been for him coming here and giving me peace of mind when I couldn’t be with Justin.” Jennifer said to Lindsay.
“He’s always loved Justin. He always thought of him as his other dad.” Lindsay looked over at Craig almost challenging him to say anything.
“He didn’t sleep more than a few hours last night. I heard him up at all hours of the night. He’s so sensitive; he’s been so worried about the surgery today. I think he finally managed to get to sleep around seven o’clock this morning. That’s why we weren’t here earlier. I couldn’t bring myself to wake him up. I knew he needed to get some sleep.”
I listened to the two of them chatter on for awhile before I ended up tuning them out. Before long Gus handed me my coffee. Michael and Gus then occupied themselves with a stack of comic books that Mikey had brought with him to pass the time.
Occasionally I’d look up at the clock and see that another five or ten minutes had passed. Around noon Emmett and Ted showed up with sandwiches. I think I ate one, or at least part of one. My mind really wasn’t there. It was back in Justin’s room just a mere twenty four hours before.
“I love you too.” He said softly.
“I know.”
His mouth found mine and we barely took time to breathe. Every single moment we’d missed together had to be made up and we weren’t sure if there would ever be enough time in which to do it.
Somehow we ended up near the door and the little shit actually locked it before we made our way to the bed. He pulled me down on top of him a low moan escaping between our lips as our bodies pressed together. I broke the lip contact long enough to kiss up his jaw and down his neck slowly. I was rewarded with another low moan that made me shiver.
He reached up and started to unbutton my shirt. My hands roamed his bare chest. His pale smooth skin felt like satin against my palms. I leaned down again attacking his mouth with an urgent necessity. His hands began to travel all over my body. Every touch was sending a pleasurable surge throughout my entire body.
Before too long we were completely naked, our hard sweaty bodies gliding against one another. Everything else seems so clouded together. A condom, some lube and the greatest fucking orgasms of our lives followed. Twice.
“Dad?”
I looked up and shook my head to clear it and I wondered when Melanie had shown up. She was sitting next to Lindsay, the two of them watching me intently.
“Yeah?”
“Mom asked if you wanted anything from the cafeteria.” I shook my head and stood up walking over to the window.
“No thanks. I’m fine.”
“We’re going to go get some dinner. Why don’t you come with us?” Melanie asked.
I looked up at the clock and couldn’t believe that it was already after five o’clock. I did the math in my head quickly and realized that the surgery had gone an hour longer than the original time estimate.
“No. Thanks. You guys go. I’m staying here.”
Everyone left to get something to eat, except for Jennifer and myself. When we were finally alone I sat down next to her.
“It’s taking too long.” I tell her, not bothering to conceal the worried tone of my voice.
“Brian. It’s okay. Remember the doctor said it might not take as long as they thought or it might take a little longer.”
“I can’t lose him again.” I tell her as my voice breaks.
“You won’t sweetie.” She tells me as she wraps her arm around me protectively.
Just then the surgeon comes into the room and sits down across from us. I hold my breath.
“The procedure went smoothly. He’s in recovery now and we’ll move him back into his room within the next hour or so.”
As quickly as he appeared he was gone.
Jennifer hugged me tightly and I finally started to breathe again.