I’m not quite awake, but I’m not quite asleep. I hear voices and I’m vaguely aware that one of them belongs to Brian. I kind of remember Brian being here when I fell asleep. I remember how he almost seemed timid coming into the room. There was just the slightest hesitation to him as he came closer to sit down next to my bed. I remember how serious his eyes looked.

“How many has he had?” I want to open my eyes and see who he’s talking to, but they feel so heavy right now.

“Mr. Kinney. Please give me that chart. The contents of it aren’t any of your business. That’s Mr. Taylor’s private medical history. His mother has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want me speaking to anyone about Justin’s condition except for herself and Mr. Taylor.”

“Then maybe you should have kept his chart in a private place. Anyone can just take it off of the wall over there. I’m surprised his mother didn’t put it in her purse and take it with her.”

He sounds so angry. Why is he angry? I’m wondering why he even cares about my condition. Oh yeah, the friends thing. We’re going to be friends. That’s what he said one night when he thought I was asleep. I remember him pacing around my room. I was nearly asleep when I heard him talking. At first I thought someone else was in the room with him, but then I opened my eyes and saw him alone rubbing the back of his neck and looking up at the ceiling. “I just want to give this being friends thing a try. I’m probably an idiot for not doing this before.” That’s when I’d cleared my throat and he looked over. He was caught and he knew it, so he bit his lip and gave me a half smile. “Yeah, so I talk to myself now. You’ll have to get use to it, if you want to do this friends thing.” It was actually a pretty endearing moment. I simply nodded and his half smile turned into a full fledged grin.

“Most people don’t go snooping into the patient’s charts. If I had known we needed to keep it under lock and key that would have been arranged.”

“I wasn’t snooping. I was reading and before you attempted to snatch this out of my hand. I was reading about these incapacitating headaches that Justin is having. Why don’t you start with that and tell me what’s going on? Tell me what you’re doing about it and what’s causing it.”

“Mr. Kinney you’ll need to take that up with Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, if they give me the authorization to discuss their son’s case with you. I’ll be more than happy to do so, but right now I’m in the middle of my rounds. I have other patients to check on. I’ll be back later when Justin is awake.” Something sounds very wrong with what the doctor just said. I just can’t for the life of me wake up enough to figure it out.

“Excuse me?” Lucky for me Brian seems to be able to make sense of what my doctor just said. “Did you just say…” Or maybe he’s just as confused as I am.

“Really Mr. Kinney I have other patients I must attend to…” The doctor’s voice grows faint as he heads out the door. Brian must have followed him because I can hear his voice, but I can’t make out the actual words. It’s muffled so I assume he’s gone out into the hallway.

I force myself to wake up now because I do know what the doctor said. He said Mr. and Mrs. Taylor and their son in the same sentence. I feel like I’ve woke up in some sort of twilight zone where I’m seventeen again and mommy and daddy are in charge of little Justin.

Brian comes back inside after a few minutes and he looks as confused as I feel. He tries to hide it the way he tries to hide everything, but I can see that this is bothering him. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this. I’m bothered. I’m more than fucking bothered. I’m pissed off now too. How old am I? I’m thirty-four years old that’s how old I am. I will not have other people making decisions for me not when I’m capable of making them on my own.

“You’re awake.” From the look on his face I can tell that Brian wishes I were still asleep.

“Yeah.” God I wish I could say more. I try one of the techniques I’ve been working on with my speech therapist. I try to repeat what Brian said. I know I can do this. “Aaa…” Fuck it’s not working. I sigh angrily and flop backwards on to my pillows.

“Awake.” Brian states again. I nod and close my eyes because I can feel my frustration filling them up with tears right now. “Try again.” he says. “It doesn’t hurt to try.” I just shake my head wanting to avoid looking like an fool. Brian sits down on the edge of the bed. “Come on Justin. You can do it. Try it again. Awake.” He sounds so hopeful that I do try again.

“Aaaaaa…waaaa”

I can’t do it and I fucking give up. I feel like an idiot and this isn’t helping anything. It’s not like Brian needs me to say that I’m awake for him to know it, so why should I even bother. When I look up at him he’s smiling at me. It’s a real smile that reaches all the way to his eyes. He gives me a wink and a little shove in the arm. “Not bad. You almost got it.”

I shrug because even if it seems great to him that I could almost imitate the sound he was making it still pisses me off. It’s not like I can’t say certain words. I’ve said other words just fine from the moment that I woke up, but everything else just seems locked up in my head. It’s all there but somewhere between my brain and my mouth it all fucks up and won’t come out.

“Come on Justin. Give it another try awake.” Brian says again. Great now he wants to play make Justin look stupid. I just shake my head at him and close my eyes again. I roll over and bury my head under the blankets. I don’t want to face him right now. This is easier to do with the speech pathologist. It’s her job to listen to me sputtering sounds out. It’s not Brian’s job, it’s not even his problem. He needs to leave well enough alone.

“Good idea. Give up that’ll make it easier won’t it?” He’s moved around to this side of the bed to annoy me now. I pop my head out from the blankets and look up at him. I give him my best defiant stare. He rolls his eyes at me and walks across the room.

“Mommy probably loves you this way. She can do all the talking for you and she can make all of your decisions. That’s perfect for her, she’s been doing it behind your back for years, she might as well keep on doing it forever.”

“FU…UUCKK…” I’m so fucking pissed at him. Who does he think he is talking to me like this. “YOU!” I can’t believe how pleased with himself he looks right now.

“Daddy dearest must really love this new change. It’s what he’s wanted for years! When did he start coming around again? Huh? I’ll bet he really likes this. This is the way he wanted you before. Well good for him, you can’t talk about your disgusting lifestyle. He must be on cloud nine.”

I’m out of bed and standing eye to eye with Brian before I even realize it. He looks so fucking smug that I want to strangle him. What kind of friend does this to someone?

“Shhhhhh uuutt UP Brian! Fuck you! Get the fuck OUT!!!!!!! NOW!!!! GO!!!!!!!”

He nods and starts for the door. I’m right behind him. I want to make sure he gets my message loud and clear. I want him gone. I don’t need this shit from anyone. He stops at the door and turns toward me.

“I promised Gus I’d stay until he got here. I’ll be out in the hall if you need me.”

“Get the fuck out of here Brian. I want you out of my sight.”

Brian reaches his hand out and touches my cheek. His eyes are filled with pain and he takes in a deep breath.

“Congratulations. That’s the most you’ve been able to say since you woke up.” With that he turns and goes out the door.