Of course I arrive fifteen minutes late and Ted is sitting at a table in the back sipping on a martini. He’s gawking at the table of guys across from him. He’s probably the oldest person here and I suddenly realize that probably makes me the second oldest. I’ve still got my looks though: poor Theodore Schmidt never even had that going for him. He finally pulls his attention away from that table of guys and sees me heading toward him. I pull out a chair and sit across from him.
Ted signals for the waiter. “Beer?” He asks me just before the waiter arrives. I shrug and he orders himself another martini and my beer. We sit there for a few minutes neither one of us really saying anything. Ted clears his throat and I give him one of my best annoyed looks.
“So Brian…” I feel like tuning him out, but I remember that I’m trying to figure out what it is that I do in my free time and for some odd reason I think Ted might be able to help me figure it out. “…I was talking to Emmett at the diner. He said you stopped going to see Justin.” He actually sounds surprised by this bit of news and that irritates me although I’m not exactly sure why.
“Yeah.” I answer. I don’t have anything else to add to this conversation so I just remain silent.
“Not going to talk about that huh?”
The waiter comes back with our drinks. I grab mine and take a nice long drink from it.
“Nope.” I finally answer him.
Ted nods and takes a drink as well.
“Emmett said you wouldn’t talk about it. I just thought it might help if you talked about it. You know put your feelings on the table so to speak.”
“Well what do you know? Emmett’s right about something for once.” I’m regretting that I’m here already. “You know Ted. I think you’ve been hanging out with Melanie too much. All of this talking and wanting to share your feelings. What are you a lesbian?” I scowl at him as I motion for the waiter to bring me another beer. “I thought you wanted to play pool?” He nods and stands up. I grab my beer from the waiter as I follow Ted toward the pool table.
I easily beat him four games in a row. Our conversation stays at the bare minimum and my alcohol consumption goes into maximum overdrive. After about eight beers, maybe it was nine, I’m not really sure I lost count somewhere, I switch over to Beam. I’m actually having a pretty good time. Ted seems to be too, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why. He’s losing and I’m pretty much only speaking to him when I feel the need to insult him.
“You want to play another?” I ask as I beat him for the fifth time. He shakes his head and I find myself laughing at him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this drunk before. He has been keeping up with me beer for beer, then shot for shot after he’d finished that martini. I think he switched over to beer after I’d made some crude comment about martini’s and olives or something. Shit I can’t remember what I’d even said, but it was insulting. At least I think it was insulting, shit I don’t even know.
“No more pool. I think I need to sit down.” He stumbles back to a table and I follow him. I’m not as steady on my feet as I’d like to be, but I don’t care really because I haven’t thought about Justin or Gus for the last few hours. Well until now that is. Damn that. I look up at the clock and see that it’s after 1:30. That of course reminds me that Justin’s sleeping right now. Fuck. I have got to stop doing this. I don’t want to think about him. In fact right at this very moment I don’t want to think about anything, so I order another Beam and sit across from Ted just sulking.
“Brian, how long have I known you?”
“Too long?” I reply with my usual wit and charm.
“Yeah, too long, that’s for sure.” Ted laughs lightly then his tone turns very serious.
“It’s not so bad to care about someone Brian.” He says that and I wonder what my face must look like right now. How did it give away my thoughts?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I mumble as I take another drink trying to numb myself from it all.
“Yeah… you do.” He shakes his head at me and looks at me full of regret. “You love him now, just like you did then, you’ll probably always love him.”
“The sky will probably always be blue and the grass will probably always be green. Probably but you never know.” Maybe just maybe I can get this conversation completely off track.
“I guess I never really saw it. Even when it was the only thing Emmett wanted to talk about. Especially after you kicked him out. He said it over and over again. Brian loves Justin. I always thought he was full of shit.” Ok he’s got my attention now. I’m not sure why I care what Ted has to say, but suddenly I’m mesmerized by his words. Maybe it’s because he’s one of the only people in our little circle of friends that hasn’t been shoving an opinion down my throat for the last eighteen years or so. Then again, it might just be because I’m too drunk to figure out a way to avoid listening to him.
“I took you at your word. Brian Kinney always tells the truth. If you told him that you didn’t care about him anymore I took that as the reality. I didn’t see what Emmett always saw, until Justin got hurt again. I really didn’t see it at first even then, but I do now.” He tips his bottle at me and takes another drink. I down the rest of my Beam and shake my head at Ted
“Blah…blah…blah… why does everyone want to talk? Talk…talk…talk…people fucking talk too much.” Ted stays silent and stares at me.
“So fucking what if I do love him? Fuck that. I need him. Fuck that too. He doesn’t need me, that’s for damn sure. He’s got mommy and Gus to take care of him. Fuck it all.” Shit. Everything is a bit cloudy in my head, but I’m almost positive that I just admitted to Ted that I love Justin. It’s one thing to admit it to myself or to Gus but that’s as far as it was ever supposed to go.
“Hmmm.” That’s all he says. Fucking Hmmm.
“What do you know about love anyway Ted?” Now I’m pissed.
“Brian. I’ve been in several relationships. I think I know more than you do. You’ve been in what? One? Why is that?”
“Why is what?”
“Why didn’t you get involved with anyone else after Justin?”
“I’ve been involved plenty since Justin.”
“I don’t mean tricks Brian. I mean why didn’t you find someone else to love?”
“Fuck you Ted.”
“I mean… It’s just that… well…”
“Well what Ted? Spit it out already!”
“It’s just that you weren’t so bad at the relationship thing.”
I snort. That doesn’t even deserve an answer. Ted is the only person alive that thinks I’m not so bad at relationships.
“I’m serious Brian.”
“That’s what I find so funny. You’re the only person who thinks I’m good in a relationship. I know I don’t think I am. I’m sure Justin doesn’t think I am, and everyone else always had their say during our relationship. Christ every time I turned around someone was telling me what I was doing wrong. How I should be treating Justin, except Justin, he just went along with whatever I said or did. He needed to become his own person. He didn’t need my fucking bullshit.” I stop and take in a deep breath. “He didn’t need me hurting him all the time.”
“Did you ever stop to ask him what he needed?”
I stand up and shake my head.
“I’m not talking about this anymore. Fuck it. I’m out of here.”
“Brian… Brian…”
Suddenly I whirl around and lean my arms down on the table to steady myself and to look him dead in the eyes so that he can understand everything I’m about to say.
“What do you want me to say Ted? I fucked up? Is that what you need to hear? Will that make you feel better about your life? Well fuck that! I didn’t fuck up. I‘d do it again in a heartbeat.”
I let out an exasperated sigh, as if I’ve explained this a million times before. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first time I’ve ever said it to him, I’ve said it to myself at least that many times.
“Just look at everything he accomplished on his own. His job at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, he’s had tons of shows at that damn art gallery.” I pause for a second and push away the thought that he’d been at the gallery for his show’s opening night just hours before he was hurt. “He’s been in more than one relationship since I ended it, he’s been happy. He needed to know he could do all of that. He needed to see who he would become without me.”
Ted is still looking at me as if he doesn’t believe a single word that I’m saying to him.
“I needed him to do that too, because I will not be responsible for ruining someone’s life and I won’t be depended on to make someone else happy. He had to do all of that on his own. Don’t you understand?”
Ted is staring at me now and he’s shaking his head.
“I don’t understand Brian.”
“Well fuck it. I don’t need you to understand. What I need right now is to go home.” I do need to go home. My head is spinning, in fact the whole room kind of has a little bit of a spin to it. I just need to get home and into my bed. I start toward the door and I hear Ted behind me.
“Brian… that’s not what I meant. I understand what you did and your reasons. I just don’t understand how you could do it. How could you live without someone that you obviously love so intensely?”
I laugh then and I’m not sure why. I just mainly focus on walking toward the door. Ted gets there just ahead of me and stops me.
“We can’t drive Brian. I’m calling Emmett or Michael.”
I groan and I know he’s right.
“Call Michael, I’ll be back.” I say as I head toward the bathroom.
To Be Continued.