I stand up and head for the door. What was I thinking? Yeah, I miss him, but he’s doing just fine without me. I’m doing just fine without him. He has his life, I have mine. Why, then… Why do I want what we had before? He doesn’t want it, not the way it was. Shit.

I walk out the door of his room and try to head to the elevators. I turn looking back through the window into his room. My feet won’t move. It’s like I’m bolted to the floor. So there I stand on the outside again, watching and wondering. It feels as if only a few moments have gone by. I look at the clock on the wall. I’ve been glued to this spot for nearly four hours.

The hand on my shoulder is unexpected and I turn rather quickly. Gus is here, shit it must be morning already. My son looks at me with concern in his eyes. He knows, he always has known, he was the only one who did. “How long have you been here?” I shrug, unsure really. “You love him, Dad…” I cut him off. “It doesn’t matter Gus.”

Gus guides me out of the hallway and we’re now seated in the hospital cafeteria. Gus brings me over a cup of black coffee. I sip it slowly and watch as he adds cream and sugar to his own cup.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I look at him blankly. “Talk about what?” He takes a sip of his coffee before answering me. We both know I’m just being difficult.

“Justin.” He says it matter of factly.

I stare off at the wall for a moment then shake my head. He gives me a look that lets me know he’s not going to let me off that easy. He’s the only person that truly knows me. He’s the only one that knows how deeply I still care for Justin.

“He still loves you too.”

I stared at him for a minute not sure what to say. I opened my mouth, but no words came out, so I closed it again and looked down at my hands.

“That’s not just an opinion you know. It’s a fact. We talked about it over dinner the night he was jumped…” I saw the pain in Gus’s eyes and I knew that look so well, I’d worn it myself seventeen years ago. I hoped it would be easier for Gus to let the guilty feelings of not being able to stop the attack go.

“There was nothing you could have done.” I’d told him this before, but he’s a lot like me in some ways, and I knew he needed to hear it again. I still need to hear it from time to time and that was so long ago.

“I know.” Gus sighs and cocks his head sideways to get a good look at me. “What I don’t understand… I mean… What I don’t get… Is how two people who obviously love each other can stay apart?”

I laugh bitterly. “I’m no good for him Gus.” I say it with a hint of a smile, not sounding too convincing somehow. It’s true though and I know it. I turned him into something he wasn’t back then, instead of letting him become the person he was. Luckily, he’d been able to find his true self again. At least I’d done that right, letting him go was for the best.

I repeated myself “I’m no good for him Gus.” This time my voice was low but resolute.

“Who told you that?” Gus was looking at me so intently.

“Everyone” I scoffed. Then in a more serious tone “and they were right.” I took another drink and leaned back in the chair. I was exhausted and I didn’t want to have this conversation. If it were anyone else I would have simply told them to fuck off and left the room. I couldn’t do that with Gus.

“Since when do you give a shit what everyone thinks?” I smiled at him.

“I don’t.”

“Then why? Why believe that you’re no good for him?”

“Because I’m not good for him. I never was.”

“I remember what it was like…”

“No you don’t.”

He sighed and picked up his empty sugar packet tearing at the corners of it.

“I know that you’re different without him.”

I sat straight up and stared into my sons eyes. “Gus, you’re too young to remember how things were when we were together, so let’s drop this okay?”

Gus shook his head. “No.”

“NO?” I said it a little louder than I intended. I was starting to lose my temper. I don’t want to talk about Justin. I don’t want to talk about the past. I don’t want to do this.

“Why are you here then Dad?” I didn’t have an answer for him. I simply shrugged.

“I know you’ve been here every night.” I shot him a questioning look. How could he know? This is the first time I’ve been caught, by anyone I know, looking in on Justin.

“I’m here every morning.” He answers my silent question. “I usually wait until you’re gone before I go in to sit with him.”

My coffee cup is finally empty and I stand up. “Go sit with him Gus. I’ve got to get going. I need to shower and change before I go to work.” He stands up and gives me a hug.

“I love you sonny boy.”

“I love you too Dad.”

He knew me better than anyone, and he knew it was time to let this conversation go. I knew him just as well though, and it wouldn’t be the last time we discussed it.

To be continued.