I’m sitting at my desk in my office with my hand on the telephone receiver. I know he’s not going to take my call, but for my own sanity I have to keep trying.

“Hi. Is he home?”

I hear a sigh and I close my eyes ready for what is coming next.

“No, but I’ll tell him that you called.”

Then I hear the dial tone. I swallow hard and let out a short breath. It wasn’t a surprise but it still caught me off guard, again.

Gus hasn’t returned any of my calls for a week. Lindsay is barely speaking to me, and when I do finally get a human being to answer the phone over there it’s always the same. She simply tells me that she’ll tell him I called before she hangs up the phone.

I lean back in my chair and push it away from my desk. Cynthia left hours ago along with nearly everyone else in the office. Apparently they all have lives and families to go home to I surmise as I head toward the outside world myself.

For the last week I’ve been trying to remember what it is that I do after work, or did do after work before I became Justin’s self appointed guardian. I know I had a life that didn’t include him for nearly ten years, and I don’t remember ever sitting around twiddling my thumbs looking for something to do. So now I can’t help but wonder why I can’t figure out my old routine or find a new one for that matter.

When I get into the jeep the clock on the radio shows me that it’s nearly 8:30. Justin’s probably bugging someone to go and get him a snack from the vending machine, like he’s done every night for the past few weeks after waking up from a brief nap. I shake my head and try to push thoughts of Justin out of my mind. It’s been over a week since I last saw him, but still every time I look at a clock I can tell you exactly what he’s doing. I could recite every minute of this new routine we’d worked ourselves into over the last few weeks of his recovery. I could, but I won’t.

I made my decision a few hours after Gus left the loft last week. I truly didn’t know whether or not I was going to see Justin after Gus finished his tirade at me. In the end I did exactly what I needed to do. I put a stop to all of it. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became.

We had an understanding. The day after he woke up I told Justin that I thought we could be friends. The look he gave me that morning told me that we could have been friends for a long time, if not for my stubbornness. Justin and I had really talked to each other, for probably the first time in our lives, when I was staying at the hospital with him. Well technically I talked and he listened but for the first time ever we communicated. Doesn’t take a genius to figure out where our original breakdown in communication started years ago now does it?

The night that Gus confronted me told me more than anything Justin ever could have said. I knew what Justin must be thinking after I really thought about everything Gus said. If Gus was seeing more than just a friendship, Justin was definitely getting that impression too. I had to make sure that I put a stop to it and I did, by merely staying away from him.

I guess in a way I’m grateful that Jennifer Taylor did finally show up to take control of everything Justin related. It gave me my life back. Justin doesn’t need me around to take care of everything if Mommy is right there ready and willing to do it. If she hadn’t, I would have had to talk to Justin about it and I know I would have fucked that up.

I find myself stopping off at the diner unconsciously. I suppose I must be hungry if I’m here so I get out and go inside. The place is actually pretty crowded for this time of night so I head to the counter to place an order to go.

“Turkey on whole grain, no mayo.”

I take off my coat and sit down. The waitress is staring at me and I give her a questioning look as she turns over a coffee cup and pours a hot cup for me.

“And?” She says.

“And what?” I ask.

“No cheeseburger today? Fries? Milkshake?”

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me suddenly. I just shake my head in response to her and pick up the cup of coffee. She shrugs and leaves to get my order started.

I can’t even fathom how many times I’ve been in here and ordered nearly the same thing to go in my lifetime without anyone ever remarking about it or even caring. In the last month I’d been in here exactly three times to get Justin his weekly fix of grease and calories, and now suddenly it’s part of my regular order?

This is exactly how it all happened the last time. In ways I didn’t even realize at first, he just kept slipping into my life. I shake my head to shove any thoughts of Justin out of my mind. It’s all over with now, I’ve made up my mind and that’s all there is to it.

This coffee has got to be the worst that I’ve ever had here. It’s got to be worse than the leftover sludge I drank a few of the nights I’d show up to give Justin a ride home at closing time. That seems like a lifetime ago and really it was.

I notice that the sugar packets on the counter are ready to spill over out of their little plastic container. I’m lost in these mundane thoughts when I feel an arm on my shoulder. I look back and see Emmett standing there looking down at me. I’m not sure I like the expression on his face it seems to be pity or maybe worry.

“Hey Em, how’s it going?” I smile up at him.

“You looked deep in thought. Is everything alright?” He takes the seat next to me and busies himself taking off his coat and getting settled in.

“Everything’s peachy.” I force another smile.

“I haven’t seen you at the hospital the last few times I went up to see Justin.”

If he’s waiting for me to answer that, he’s going to be waiting for quite awhile. I’m not going to discuss Justin with him. Hell, I’m trying to put him out of my mind and this isn’t helping me do that any faster.

“Is everything okay with you two?”

“Everything is fine with me and you saw Justin so you know everything is fine with him. End of story.”

“That’s not what I mean, Brian.”

I take a sip of my coffee and stare straight ahead. Finally I growl out an answer.

“I know what you mean and that’s none of your business.”

“I suppose it’s none of Justin’s business either?” His voice is dripping with sweetness now but I swear if I look at him I’ll see that his claws have come out.

“I suppose it isn’t.” I really have nothing else to say to him now. From the corner of my eye I can see that he’s ready to say more.

Lucky for me, the waitress appears with my takeout order. I grab my coat and my order and head for the door leaving Emmett and his conversation behind.

I nearly run Ted over as I hurry toward the jeep parked outside. He’s not even looking up and he mumbles an apology as I grunt my way past him. I’m almost to the jeep when I hear him acknowledge me.

“Brian?”

I turn and look at him. He’s got a look of indifference on his face and that’s a relief. I’m tired of getting concerned looks from people. Michael when he stops by the loft just because he’s in the neighborhood, Emmett just now in the diner, Lindsay and Melanie before they decided that I must be Satan himself to make Gus stop talking to me, even Cynthia has started to look at me like a worried mother does her child. For this reason alone, I actually like Ted right now.

“Yeah?”

“Are you doing anything tonight?” He says it so casually that you’d think the two of us get together regularly for tea.

“Why Ted, are you asking me out?” I can’t actually let him know this is the best offer I’ve had all week. I’m amusing myself knowing that he’s going to actually believe that I think he’s hitting on me.

“N-No.” He stammers and then he sees the smirk on my face.

“You shit. Forget it.” He starts toward the diner and I’m compelled to stop him.

“Ted.” He turns and scowls at me. “What were you going say?”

“I just wanted to know if you wanted to go play some pool at Woody’s, but I forgot that you’re an asshole.”

“What time?” I ask impatiently, as if it’s the last thing on earth that I want to do. As if my showing up will be the biggest sacrifice I’ve ever made in my life.

“Ten o’clock?”

“I’ll meet you there.”

To Be Continued.