I’m not sure where I’m going. I only know that I need to keep walking. I need to get as much distance between myself and Jennifer Taylor as humanly possible. I don’t really want to leave though, Justin is still here. I need to be here for him. I find myself outside of the hospital smoking a cigarette with the rest of the nicotine addicted in a small enclosed shelter that the hospital has created for those of us who need our fix, while we suffer from the stress that surrounds any reason for actually being at a hospital.

One cigarette turns into two and then into three. I shiver a bit wishing I would have thought to grab my coat from the room before I took off out of there. It’s not really cold for early December but I think I’d stop shaking if I had something warmer on.

I keep picturing Justin’s face that day so many years ago. The look in his eyes when I told him it was over. It was the right thing to do. I know it was. That whole year before I let him go was testimony to that. Everything I said, everything I did just hurt him. All of my friends kept telling me that, except for Ted, I think.

I remember Mikey was the first one to say something. We were out at Woody’s one night. Justin and Emmett were at the bar getting us drinks. Ted and I were playing pool as Ben and Mikey watched. Christ I don’t even remember what I said to Justin when he brought me my beer. I noticed him head off toward the restroom as we kept playing. That was when Michael took me aside and started in on me.

“Jesus Brian. Could you be a little bit shittier to him?”

“What are you talking about Michael?”

He just threw his hands up in some grand gesture and walked back to where Ben was. I never did figure out what I had done that was so terrible. When Justin came back out he seemed fine so I figured Michael was just exaggerating again.

The next time it happened was at Lindsay and Melanie’s. I was picking up Gus to take him shopping for some new back to school clothes. He was going into the first grade and I wanted him to look good. Justin was with me as usual. I do remember what I said that time.

“Someone has to help the kid with his sense of style. If I left it up to you guys he’d either dress like a bag lady or a bum.” A witty quip I thought in reference to Lindsay’s odd sense of style and Justin’s baggy garments.

I missed Justin’s expression but I did catch the sound of his voice as he grabbed Gus by the hand and started out to the Jeep. “C’mon Gus let’s get in the car.”

That’s when the girls let me have it.

“Brian! Can’t you be nice?” Lindsay asked seriously.

“He doesn’t know how. You’re such a shit. He deserves better than the way you treat him Brian.” Melanie stated as she turned away from me and went upstairs.

“You hurt Justin’s feelings… again.”

“He knows I’m joking Lindsay.”

“Does he Brian? Does he really know that?”

“He knows.”

I gave her a kiss and walked out to join Gus and Justin and everything was fine.

Emmett gave me his lecture next. It was one night at Babylon. I just finished in the backroom and Emmett was at the bar glaring at me as soon as I got back.

“Brian. You are going to fuck everything up!”

“What are you talking about? Where’s Justin?”

Emmett huffed and pointed to the dance floor.

“He’s out there somewhere. God Brian! Do you really have to flaunt it in his face?”

“What?” I turn to the bartender and order a double Jim Beam, and then I give Emmett all of my attention. “What are you going on about?”

“The fact that you took some guy into the backroom in front of Justin again.” He’s serious and I don’t even feel like being sarcastic to him for some reason.

“Emmett. Leave it alone. Our relationship is open. It’s allowed and Justin knows that, he’s fine with it.”

“He’s not fine with it Brian. Can’t you see that?”

“Then he needs to say something about it. He needs to be the one to talk to me about it. Not you.”

I downed my drink and went off in search of Justin. He gave me one of his biggest smiles when I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him in close to me.

I almost want to laugh now, just thinking back to it all. The little things that everyone said started nagging at me, and before I knew it I’d catch the sad looks on Justin’s face when we were alone together and I’d screw up somehow. I started to realize that he wasn’t happy. The talk his mother had with me that day hadn’t been the first time she’d told me that I wasn’t letting him live his own life, but it was the first time I truly listened to her. She was right. Justin was just going along with whatever I wanted and he wasn’t the same person that I met nearly eight years before. It all came down to one thing. He wasn’t happy and it was my fault.

My trip down memory lane is interrupted as a woman with red curly hair comes out and sits down next to me. She’s searching in her handbag for a lighter and I chivalrously flick my lighter on for her. She smiles at me gratefully and holds her cigarette in the flame as she takes a deep drag to light it.

“Thanks.” She smiles and I really look at her for the first time. She reminds me of Debbie and a little wave of sadness takes over inside of me. God I miss Deb. I can’t believe she’s been gone for almost two years now.

“You look like you could use a friend.” She states matter-of-factly.

“I probably could.” I hear myself saying. I’m not sure where that came from it’s probably because she does remind me so much of Deb and my trip down memory lane has me feeling sentimental.

“Want to tell me about it?”

“Got about seven hours?” I smile for a second, and then I feel my real emotions creeping too close to the surface.

“It’s okay honey.” She says and puts her arm around me gently patting my back. “Things aren’t ever as bad as they seem. You want to talk about it?”

I smile and stand up. This isn’t Deb and I’m not about to open my heart up to some stranger, but somehow I feel just a little bit better right now.

“No thanks. I’ve got to go.”

She smiles at me and waves as I go. “Thanks for the light sweetie.”

“Anytime.”

It’s freezing when I leave the smoke pit so I head back inside of the hospital to grab my coat. Jennifer is sitting next to Justin when I walk into the room and he’s still sleeping soundly. I move over and take one more look at him before I grab my coat from behind the chair that Jennifer is sitting in.

“I forgot my coat.” I say and head for the door.

“You don’t have to leave.” I can’t read her expression or her tone of voice. It doesn’t much matter to me anyway.

“Yeah I do.” I say as I open the door. “You’re here now to look after him, he doesn’t need me anymore.” With that I let the door shut behind me.

I feel numb as I leave the hospital. It’s colder now than I thought and a few snowflakes are slowly making their way to the ground. I shiver and suddenly feel like I’ll never be warm again. I’m physically exhausted and I know my body needs some real sleep in my own bed. I’ve spent the last two months existing first on no sleep at all and then on the restless sleep in a chair next to Justin’s bed. I just want to go home and sleep.

To Be Continued…