My eyes are still closed and I’m using the wall behind me to hold myself up. I hear Gus clear his throat as he approaches me. I open my eyes and stare straight ahead at the wall. I hate the way I’m feeling right now. I feel out of control and although Gus has seen more of my emotions than I’ll ever let anyone else see, this is one that I don’t want to show him. I’ve always had a nasty temper, but I’ve never gotten violent with anyone in front of Gus. A part of me is ashamed. I don’t want him to look at me and see me as some kind of a monster. I don’t want him to see me the way I always saw my old man.

Gus leans against the wall next to me. He holds the can of Coke out for me and I reach for it absentmindedly before taking a sip of it. He turns to face me and I close my eyes again as if to hide myself. I feel his hands on my shoulders and his forehead pressed against mine.

I can’t fathom why Jennifer Taylor would call Craig of all people. What was she thinking? It seems like a desperate attempt to keep me away from Justin, her way of protecting him maybe? As if I’m the one he’d need protected from.

“You okay dad?” Gus asks quietly.

I nod and he pulls back to look me over.

“You’re already bruising. He caught you just right.” Gus winces looking at my face. “Does it hurt?”

“Not as bad as my knuckles do.” I look down and see they’re a lovely shade of red and purple. “I shouldn’t have done that. Not with you here.”

“Dad, it’s cool. He started it… I say fuck him.”

I smile and most of the uneasiness I’d felt moments before was gone. He didn’t see me any differently than he always had. Even though I’m not a perfect role model he doesn’t think any less of me, he doesn’t see me as a monster, he doesn’t see me as Jack.

“He didn’t hurt you when he pushed you did he?”

“No. I was just surprised that’s all.”

“I need a cigarette.” Gus nods as he sees me watching the door to Justin’s room.

“But… you don’t want to leave him alone?”

“I don’t think he’ll come back, but...”

“I’ll stay. You should go home anyway for a little bit. Get some sleep… or whatever.”

I leave of course, but I don’t go to the loft. Instead I stop off at a bar a few blocks from the hospital. It looks like the kind of place my dad would have spent hours in. Nothing fancy just a bar, a few tables and a jukebox. After a few shots of Jim Beam, I’m not feeling that out of control anymore. I feel mellow and numb. It’s a nice feeling, one that I haven’t had in a few weeks. After a few more I feel even better.

I leave the bar smelling of stale cigarette smoke. I should go back to the loft and shower but I don’t know that I trust myself to drive. Instead I chose to walk back to the hospital. I need to check on Justin and Gus.

I stop in at a small bar just across the street from the hospital to take a piss. Another shot of Beam or maybe it was two and I’m ready to get back to my boys.

I smile at them when I finally make it up to Justin’s room. He’s awake and listening to Gus talk about something, but they both stop when they see me enter the room.

“Hey.”

I feel the floor move a little under my feet as I close the door behind me and I almost lose my balance. Gus is up in no time and seems to be guiding me to a chair.

“I can sit down myself sonny boy.”

He’s somehow gotten my keys in his hand now.

“Did you drive like this?”

I’m on the receiving end of one of Lindsay’s scolding looks, but it’s coming from Gus’s face. That’s weird and I’m almost ready to laugh, until I notice that he and Justin don’t seem to see the humor in this.

“I walked Gus. The jeep is…” I try to think exactly where the jeep is. “…it’s parked somewhere.”

“Justin?”

He’s looking at me now with his eyebrows raised as if to say “What?”

“Did you sleep good?”

He nods.

“You just wake up?”

Justin shakes his head and Gus answers for him.

“He woke up four hours ago.”

“Four hours? I wasn’t gone that long…”

Gus shakes his head.

“No… you’ve been gone for eight hours. I hoped you were sleeping too.”

“No lectures sonny boy. Okay? Shouldn’t you be at home getting some sleep?”

He nods and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

“I was waiting for you to come back.” He whispers as he hugs my neck. “Mom’s going to be pissed. It’s after midnight. I’ll tell her you went home to sleep and forgot to set your alarm. She just might believe it and not give you too much shit over it.”

I grin at him as he leaves with a wave. He’s a good kid. I know I drink too much, and I still occasionally enjoy the use of recreational drugs. I smoke and I’ve never consciously tried to hold back my foul language around him, but even with having me as his dad he hasn’t turned out too bad. Of course that may have more to do with Melanie, Lindsay and Justin than it does with me, but somehow I take comfort in the fact that he’s grown up to be a damned good kid.

I look at Justin and smile. He’s got his sketch pad out and he’s drawing now, not looking up at me.

“He’s always trying to keep me out of trouble. I’m gonna hear it from Lindz tomorrow I just know it.”

He doesn’t look up.

“Justin?”

Our eyes meet and I see that he’s angry with me. He looks exhausted and I suddenly feel guilty again. Was I keeping him from sleeping?

“I’m sorry. Do you want me go?” I try to stand up but this damn chair just slides back a little not letting me stand up. I lean forward and hold onto my knees to keep from falling forward.

He shakes his head no so I try to lean back and close my eyes.

“Maybe we should get some sleep.” I’m mumbling. I can hear him putting his sketch pad down on the nightstand. Then I feel an arm around my waist. I look up and see Justin gently trying to help me to my feet.

He guides me over to the bed and I sit on the edge of it, before falling backwards. He pulls my shoes off and lifts my legs up into the bed. He’s helping me undress and I feel guilty because I’m supposed to be watching out for him.

“I had a for shit day Justin.”

He nods and I close my eyes. I feel him get in the bed next to me.

“Night Sunshine.” I mumble.

He’s rubbing my hair softly as I fall asleep pressed up against him.

To Be Continued…