"Is It Actually A Wonderful Life?" 

Part two of a completely unnecessary Sailor Moon parody. 

By Lord Azurite 

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The four generals of the Negaverse, Jedite who was going by the name Jed, 

(A lot of thinking on his part) Neflyte who was known as Maxfield Stanton, 

Zoisite who took the name Zoey and Malachite who went on to be known as John 

Malachite were all sitting in their room at the Bayside motel. 

"You know I think Beryl just wanted to get rid of us for a week." Jedite 

said looking up from his poker hand. 

Neflyte threw in 2 chips and asked, "Gee, did you finally figure that out?" 

Malachite raised the bet 5 and said, "I mean, we all knew that for a while. 

It don't take a rocket scientist to figure out what she and Prince Darien do 

when we're out on missions." 

Zoisite who was nursing a black eye after the beating Jedite administered, 

folded and added, "I don't know what she sees in him. I mean, what's he got 

that my Kunzite doesn't?" 

Malachite's faced turned as red as the heart on the Ace he had in his hand. 

He called and everyone laid down their cards. Jedite had a straight, Neflyte 

had a pair of Queens and a pair of Jacks, and Malachite stood and did a 

strange dance that sort of resembled a ritual tribal sacrifice dance. He held 

the winning hand of 5 aces. 

"Hah! I rule supreme over all I survey." He said triumphantly. 

He looked at Neflyte and Jedite who were staring at him with raised 

eyebrows. Then he looked at Zoisite with eye so black and blue. He then 

slumped down into his seat and realized that what hey surveyed were 3 

pathetic generals with no skills whatsoever. He kept the remark to himself. 

"Well, It's time for lunch." Jedite said enthusastically, "I'll call room 

service." 

Jedite picked up the phone next to his bed and dialed the front desk, "Yes 

Hello? This is room- eh, What room are we in Malachite?" 

"315." 

"Room 315. Yes that's right. Now, I'd like an order of um let's see some 

toast for me, a chocolate parfait and some lemonade for Nef-I mean Maxfield, 

A plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat for Zoey and hey Johnny boy, 

what do you want?" 

"Send up a bottle of their finest Chardonnay." 

"And some Chardonnay for John. Okay. Thanks so much. Bye now." 

After Jedite hung up the phone Malachite proceeded to strangle him with the 

cord and said, "Don't call me Johnny boy!" 

Jedite's face turned blue, purple, pink, ochre until Malachite was inter- 

rupted by a knock at the door. 

"Hooray!" yelled Malachite dropping Jedite, "My Chardonnay is here!" 

Malachite swung open the door and pulled the whole cart in. He slammed the 

door in the bellhop's face and slipped him a buck under the door. 

Jedite had recovered but had a strange ring around his neck. He took his 

plate full of toast to his corner of the room and built a little castle which 

was promptly destroyed by the creature he called "The Mouth of the Negaverse" 

which he named himself might I add. 

Neflyte was content with his parfait and allowed Malachite to mix his 

lemonade and some of his Chardonnay making a strange concotion. Neflyte 

pulled out a newspaper and read the headlines. 

Words cannot describe what Zoisite did with her plum in a man's hat. I 

think she was trying to act like some detective. Don't ask me what goes on 

inside that dumb blonde's head. 

The 4 of them ate and drank contently until there was a knock at the door. 

Zoisite got up from whatever it was she was doing to open the door. There 

before her were the 5 Sailor Scouts in their human forms. 

"Oh!" They yelled, "They said this room was unoccupied." 

"Quite all right," Zoisite said as she shut the door. 

"Boy, those guys looked familiar." Rei said. 

The 4 generals continued to eat drink and be merry until the time came to 

go and do human stuff. They wondered what the 5 of them would be doing 

together at a hotel. She blocked it out of her mind for obvious reasons. 


The 4 walked down the street with 3 of them looking over Jedite's shoulder 

at the guide book he was reading. 

"It says here that there's a circus coming to town on the nineteenth." He 

said, "Maybe we should go to that." 

"Sounds good. Hey today is the nineteenth!" Neflyte exclaimed. 

"Let's go!" They all rallied in unison. 


At the large fair near the center of town they were greeted by a gang of 

strange creatures with oversized clothes and face paint. 

"I think it's a clown," Malachite said. 

"Hey Jeddy," Neflyte cracked a 'joke', "They look like you." 

Jedite picked up the closest object (which was a balloon animal) to strike 

Neflyte with which he promptly did. 

"Hey Mal er I mean John," Zoisite said in a sing-song voice, "How about we 

take a trot over to the midway where you can win me some prizes." 

Malachite groaned but reluctantly agreed because he didn't want to hear her 

go into a hissy fit. 

Jedite and Neflyte went their separate way. They 2 of them walked down the 

row of carnival rides until they came to the end. 

"Want to go in the tunnel of love?" Neflyte asked. 

Jedite eyes widened. His mouth dropped to the ground and he let out the 

most horrific, blood-curdling, inhuman scream you have ever heard. People 

fell to the ground holding their ears. Glass shattered and some little 

children's heads even exploded. 

When the decibels returned to normal level all that could be heard was a 

strange ringing sound. Jedite turned about face and ran as fast as humanly 

possible in any direction but towards Neflyte. 

As he ran and ran through the circus he ran into a green-eyed, red headed 

girl with a really strange accent. 

"Pardon me." Jedite apologized, "I didn't see you there." 

"That's all right." The girl said. 

"Hey," Jedite wondered aloud, "Aren't you Nef- I mean Maxfield Stanton's 

friend Molly?" 

"Yes I am. At least I think I am. Why? Do you know 'im?" She asked. 

Jedite frowned and said, "Unfortunately I do. He's over by the Tunnel of 
Love if you want to go see him." 

"What a perfect opportunity!" Molly exclaimed jumping up and down, "Just 

think me and him in the Tunnel of Love." 

She sped off faster than Jedite sped away from Neflyte. 


Malachite and Zoisite were over at a ball toss game and he was trying to 

win a large pink rabbit for Zoisite. 

"That's 3 balls and you only got two in." The carnie said. 

"Damn right I got two of 'em." Malachite retorted. 

"Whatever you say mister." he said. 

Zoisite scanned the game with her ultra-sensitive eyes and declared, "Hey! 

This game is rigged! It's not possible to get 3 in. He cheated us!" 

"What the hell do you think this is?" Malachite asked grabbing a hold of 

the carnie, "I just wasted $83 here and I'm gonna get what's coming to me." 

He threw the carnie across the fairgrounds and he landed in front of Jedite 

who was busily licking an ice cream cone. 

"This stuff is great!" he thought to himself, "Why don't we have anything 

like this back home in the Negaverse. Speaking of the Negaverse, I wonder 

what's going on back there." 


Back in the Negaverse, Queen Beryl and Prince Darien were re-decorating the 

great hall. 

"What do you think?" Darien asked pointing to a lovely boquet of black 

roses. 

"They're simply adorable." Queen Beryl replied. 

They had taken out the ceiling for a clear view of the stars. They painted 

the walls with a glossy coat of silver to reflect the brightness of them and 

blind anyone the queen disliked. The floor was now linoleum and there were 

pool, air hockey, poker, blackjack, and craps tables in the center and a spa 

facing the south window into which the Queen and Prince climbed into. 


Jedite was wondering about everything that might be happening in the 

Negaverse and decided he really didn't want to know. 

"Oh damn!" He declared looking at a melting ice cream cone in his hand, "I 

didn't know these things melted." 

He walked down the midway and ran into Zoisite and Malchite who were busily 

looking through a pile of stuffed prizes that Malachite had "won." 

"I hate this place," said Malachite standing amidst the pile of oversized 

toys. 

"Me too," Zoisite added, "All they do here is rip you off." 

Jedite also decided to add as he stared at his cone, "The food is defective 

too." 

"It seems to me that the only person actually having a good time is Neflyte 

wherever he is." Zoisite said. 

At Neflyte's name Jedite's mouth again dropped and he ran around screaming 

like coyote. Malchite stuck an arm out and clotheslined him. Jedite fell to 

the ground still screaming. 

"There's something wrong with that man." Malachite declared. 

"If you can call him a man." Zoisite said laughing at her own joke. 


Neflyte and Molly were riding a small metal boat through a bunch of badly 

drawn hearts and thingies on the walls of the Tunnel of Love. 

"Ain't this romantic?" Molly asked. 

Neflyte looked at her and smiled a half-assed grin. 

"Ugh, I hate this place." Neflyte thought. 

The 2 of them continued on the bumpy ride with Neflyte praying to the Nega- 

force to kill him. It wasn't because he didn't enjoy Molly's company. He just 

hated this ride. 


Eventually around 5 o'clock the 4 of them met up. Jedite was still jittery 

and screamed when Neflyte showed up. Malachite was having a little problem 

suppourting all the prizes that he "won." Zoisite was trying to make herself 

look beautiful and Neflyte was simply worn out from running around with Molly 

all day. 

They walked down a street and came to the Bayside motel. The clerk at the 

front desk looked at the enormous amount of stuffed animals Malachite was 

carrying and imagined them coming after him. 

"No, no! Stop!" he screamed as he pulled out a gun and started to shoot 

the animals. 

The 4 ran as fast as humanly possible to the elevator. On the way up Jedite 

noticed that Neflyte was holding his hand. Jedite pulled himself out of his 

grasp and punched him hard across the jaw. 

"Damn thay guy is gay!" Jedite exclaimed. 

They left Neflyte laying in the elevator and went to sleep in their nice 

hard motel beds. 

"I don't think I can go 5 more days." Malachite told Zoisite. 

"We'll get through if it kills us." Zoisite said. 

"More like if it kills me." Jedite said sitting up in bed with a fire ax in 

case Neflyte made an advance while he slept. 

The light was turned off and they fell asleep. Tomorrow would be a better 

day they thought as Jedite continued his watch. 

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