"Is It Actually A Wonderful Life?" 

Part one of a completely unnecessary Sailor Moon parody. 

By Lord Azurite 

============================================================================= 

Greetings one and all, I am Lord Azurite. This is my first attempt at a 

parodized SM fiction story. It originally started as something serious but as 

it progressed I realized it was pretty lame so I took on a more comedic plot. 

In this story, Queen Beryl has a new plan to catch the Scouts: learning about 

human culture. To accomplish this she takes Jedite out of Eternal Sleep and 

ressurects Neflyte. Malachite and Zoisite are still at it with their little 

relationship. Oh that reminds me, in my story Zoisite is a female. I used a 

poor choice of words up above "comedic plot." This story lacks plot. It's not 

my fault. I wasn't getting enough sleep. Now, on with the show -er parody. 

============================================================================= 

Our story begins in Queen Beryl's throne room where she is lecturing the 4 

generals on her new ingenious plan to get rid of the Sailor Scouts. 

"I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner!" She exclaimed, "We should 

just figure out what they do in their time off and learn more about them." 

Jedite looked up from a book he was reading entitled "Roger Freebirth's 

Flip -n- Learn Song Book for the Wee Piano Player" to ask, "I must ask o 

glorious and beautiful Queen with hair as red as 1000 flamin' volcanoes, what 

will be accomplished by knowing about what they do when they aren't screwing 

with our plans." 

The Queen thought for a moment and realizing that she didn't have any clue 

as to what it would accomplished decided to blast Jedite for questioning her. 

"There is probably a logical reason," Malachite said sucking up to her. 

"Now, you four will be. . ." The Queen stopped and counted the generals. 1, 

Jedite was lying on the floor laughing to himself for some reason (God knows 

what). 2, Zoisite was hanging on Malachite's shoulder whispering in his ear. 

3, Malachite said, "After the mission. I don't have time right now and this 

is the only uniform I have I can't rip it." 

"Where the hell is Neflyte?" the Queen asked. 

Just then, Neflyte walked into the throne room via an entrance to the left 

of everyone wearing a bathrobe with a towel around his right shoulder and 

with a toothbrush in his mouth. He trotted over to Zoisite and Malachite but 

tripped over the still giggling Jedite. 

The Queen laughed hysterically at this and fell off her throne. Zoisite and 

Malachite looked up from whatever it is they were doing. (Gotta keep it semi- 

clean for younger readers.) Then they looked down at Neflyte struggling to 

stand and joined in the maniacal laughter. 

The laughter echoed throughout the Negaverse. Jedite saw what happened and 

began to laugh insanely, and I mean insanely (you know the way he laughs). 

Neflyte was busy treating a carpet-burn he got from the tiles on the floor 

and hating everyone in the room. 

A few minutes passed and everyone seemed to regain their composure. The 

only person who was still giggling and trying to subdue it was Zoisite. She 

had always made fun of Neflyte and this was just perfect. 

"Now then," Queen Beryl began, "You 4 will be stripped of your powers for 1 

week and you will live amongst the people of Tokyo to figure out what they do 

in their free time." 

Malachite said, "It sounds like a good plan to me." 

The Queen glared at him menacingly, "No it doesn't. It seems like a 

perfectly unnecessary, stupid plan to you. I can see righ through you Mal, I 

know you're sucking up. I hate people like you. Suck this!!!" 

Queen Beryl waved a hand and dropped a few feet of ceiling on Malachite. 

Zoisite was still trying to subdue laughter, Neflyte was now fully recovered 

and wearing his General's outfit, and Jedite was, well, we won't talk about 

Jedite was doing. 

"Now then," The Queen said, "You will be staying at the fabulous Bayside 

hotel near the ocean. You're rental car is a blue Volkswagon Jetta, and your 

mission is to just interact with the humans." 

"I thought our mission was to find out what they do." Jedite said returning 

to the 3 others. 

"DO YOU QUESTION ME AGAIN?!!" Queen Beryl yelled summoning up some dark 

power and blasting Jedite repeatedly around the throne room. 

Zoisite couldn't hold out any longer and she exploded in a fit of laughter 

at the sight of Jedite scampering about dodging Nega-energy and Malachite 

struggling to un-bury himself. Queen Beryl grew exceedingly angry and cursed 

like a sailor. 

"Damn it all!" She screamed, "Why can't you people be more like Prince 

Darien?" (Oh yeah, he's in this too.) 

Evil Darien, Endymion or whatever you feel like calling him walked out of 

the shadows and stood at his Queen's side. 

He bent over and whispered in her ear, "Just think. Those four will be gone 

for a whole week. Imagine what could be accomplished in that time." 

The Queen's mind wandered off thinking about. . . things. Neflyte was 

trying to kill Zoisite for her annoying laughter, Malachite was holding 

Jedite above his head by his collar cursing at him for not helping hime get 

out. 

Without looking up, the Queen waved her hand and the 4 of them disappeared 

and she and Prince Darien went to do . . . something. 


All four of them had calmed down by now. They roamed around the streets of 

Tokyo in full Negaverse garb. 

"Malachite," Zoisite said sheepishly, "People are staring at us." 

"Oh don't take it personally," Jedite encouraged, "People just aren't used 

to seeing someone who had undergone a sex change." 

"Why you litte. . . rrr, ZOI!" Zoisite yelled but nothing happened. 

"We don't have our powers." Neflyte reminded them. 

"I think we should prioritze ourselves with finding some appropriate 

clothes." Jedite said. 

"For one you have a good idea." Zoisite said still recovering from the last 

remark Jedite made. 

The four of them walked along down a city block and came upon a nice litte 

clothing store at the corner called, "Suicide Funk." 

The four entered and came out a few minutes later wearing "modern" clothes. 

Jedite was dressed in baggy jeans with a chain hanging out of his pocket, a 

shirt that said "Suck This" with an arrow pointing you know where, much 

facial jewelry and a "Nike" hat turned backwards on his head. 

Neflyte wore a plain Maxfield Stanton type outfit only slightly tighter 

than the normal one because they didn't have his size. 

Zoisite wore hardly anything at all. A reeeeealy short skirt and one of 

those green/black shirts that stop just below the chest. She wore a bunch of 

necklaces and thousands of nose earrings. 

Malachite was dressed the funniest of all, he wore black dress pants, a 

white dress shirt and a pair of glasses. The 3 other generals laughed un- 

controllably at the sight of him. 

Malachite took Jedite by an eyebrow ring and thrashed him around a bit. 

Jedite stood and instead of fighting back ran as fast as he could accross the 

street and started drooling next to the window of a store. 

The 3 others came up behind him and Zoisite asked, "What is it? What do you 

see?" 

Jedite struggled to talk, "Pa- pa pa piane pa pa o pianoes!" 

His eyes scanned the store and there, in the corner was his idol signing 

books and joking around with some humans. 

"Oh my God!" Jedite exclaimed, "It's him, it's him!" 

"Who?" The 3 generals asked in unicin. 

"The author of my flip and learn piano book," Jedite said shaking in his 

oversised shoes, "Roger Freebirth! So this is what humans do! They too 

worship the only man who can play Robertson's symphonies with any feeling!" 

"Who?" They all asked. 

Malachite proceeded to smack Jedite silly but he was to quick. With light- 

ning speed Jedite ran into the store, pulled out his copy of the book, cut 

in line and spoke something to Roger who was almost in shock at the sight of 

him in his outfit. 

A few moments later Jedite came out of the store holding the book close to 

his heart. The 3 generals looked up at him from their game of "Fish." 

"How'd it go?" Neflyte asked. 

Jedite turned to them with watering eyes and said, "I got the autograph." 

He began to cry, "This is the happiest day of my life!" 

"Aw, baby Jeddy finally got the bottle handed to him." Zoisite said in her 

childish voice. 

Jedite stopped crying and his face turned red. He rushed at Zoisite and 

knocked her to the ground beating her senseless and speaking in strange 

tongues. You could sort of make out Jedite's words, "Roger is my idol! I hate 

you dammit, I hate you! What'd you do if I went off and made fun of you and 

your obsession with Shania Twain!?! Huh? Then what?" 

Malachite and Neflyte walked down the street to the huge building with the 

name "Bayside Motel." They looked at each other with the same thought in 

their heads, "It's gonna be a long week."