'I can't believe the idiot got himself killed. Baka, baka, baka. I won't cry, I refuse to. But every time I think about him...Oh, Gods.'

Nephrite brought his hands to his face and sobbed. He had managed to keep his composure in front of Beryl, but at a cost. Now he was mentally exhausted and completely at the mercy of his grief.

Nephrite took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He stood up from his armchair to pace the length of his chambers, silver tears still making their way down his cheeks.

Nephrite's pacing brought him into his bedroom and he flung himself on the bed.

'This can't be happening to me. He-he can't be DEAD!' Nephrite collapsed, sobs wracking his muscular frame.

~~~
Wish I’d told him how I felt, may be he’d be here right now...
But instead...
~~~

He had pretended to accept his new duties with glee, but Jadeite... How could he do his job, go through the steps that his koibito had taken, without thinking about-- Nephrite shuddered. Queen Beryl-- no Nephrite would never call her Queen again, not if he could help it, not after she had killed his beloved in such a heartless manner.

~~~
I pretended I’m glad you went away
These four wall closin’ more every day
And I’m dying inside
And no one knows it but me
~~~

Nephrite hugged a pillow to his chest. The tears still came, but there were fewer now. Soon they stilled and stopped coming altogether. His first job better bring in plenty of energy, so that he could mourn. He had to be beyond suspicion before he could let his feelings out fully. Nephrite took a few deep breaths to end the sobbing.

~~~
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I’m cryin’ inside
And nobody knows it but me
~~~

Memories of lost opportunities, and sweet times, when both men felt at peace with each and the Negaverse. Nephrite let out a shuddering sigh.

Why hadn’t he told Jadeite earlier? They hadn’t had enough time before...

Too many chances gone, and all Nephrite’s happiness, all his reasons to live, all gone.

~~~
Why didn’t I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
~~~

'Could I kill myself and be done with it? Heh, would Beryl ever allow one of her Kings to do such a thing?' Nephrite thought wryly, 'Although, if Zoicite’s wrong, and he can be revived, I want to be around when they do it.

I wouldn’t want itoshii to think I’m a coward.'

~~~
Now my world is just a tumblin’ down
I can say it so clearly
But you’re nowhere around
~~~

'In good times and bad, I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to hold you after a scolding from Beryl, and tell you, it was alright, you'd do better and destroy the Senshi next time. I told you too late. I spent too much time teasing you. Jadeite...' Nephrite sniffled, wiping at another tear that stubbornly rolled down his cheek.

~~~
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
~~~

The images, so newly formed, of Jadeite pleading with Beryl, begging to let him tell her what he had found, the valuable information he could give her, and she just... just... she had encased him, capturing the vulnerable look that the auburn-haired King thought only he would ever see, in clear diamond crystal. It was all Nephrite could do to keep from screaming aloud.

~~~
I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside and nobody knows it but me
~~~

'I'm going to have nightmares about this for months, probably years.

Beloved, I'll wake up in the middle of the night, crying out for you, and you won't be there, you won't be there for me ever again.'

~~~
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night as if I thought
You'd hear me
Yeah my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me
~~~

Several more sobs escaped and made their way out between Nephrite's lips, gasps for breath and bubbles of grief clearing a path out of his body.

'How can I live like this? Hiding my true feelings behind a mask? When you were with me, koibito, I could hide my feelings behind a facade of indifference, I knew that you were there, I could flirt, and tease you when we were alone, even if most of the time I knew you disliked me for it...'

~~~
How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
~~~

'What can I do? You're gone, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I told you I would always be there, but when you needed me most... Oh, Jadeite, beloved, I failed you.'

~~~
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know
I'll be lovin' you still
~~~

'I'm so sorry. Koibito, I hope you can forgive for not being there for you. Be safe until we can see each other again. I'll miss you.'

~~~
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm nissin' you
And nobody knows it but me
~~~

All reserves drained, Nephrite barely had the energy to damp down the light globes before falling into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

'Ai shiteru, Jadeite,' was his last thought before slumber overtook him.

Almost unheard by the exhausted King, so hushed that later he would think it only a trick of his mind, a quiet voice echoed back,

'Ai shiteru, Nephrite.'
*****