dpluto

"The Dark Kingdom Baby-Sitter"

by Dark Pluto

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the rights to Sailor Moon or any other

characters created by Takeuchi Naoko. Please don't sue me! I only have $8.92 to my name. It's not worth it! I did, though, create Jade. (Well, her personality, at least.) If you are going to use her, please give me a little credit. Thanks. I do not own any rights to Carrot Top, nor do I want any.

Warning: This is my very first attempt at a fan-fic. Well, at least it's the first time that one of my fan-fics has gotten past the first paragraph. If this bites the big one please don't yell at me.

Rating: PG

Ch. 1: A Little Bundle of Joy (And Youma Flesh)

"Jedite, Neflite, Zoicite, Malachite! Come here," Queen Beryl shrieked. Immediately the 4 Generals appeared in the Throne Room. They bowed and waited for Beryl's orders.

"I have a new trainee for you," Beryl said in her usual sadistic manner. "Her name is Jade. I find her abilities quite promising. If well trained she can be a great asset to the Dark Kingdom Army." "Which one of you will train her?"

As usual the Generals took the orders quite differently. Multiple

thoughts spun through their heads at the same time, confusing more than one of them. Jedite, being the denser of the 2 blondes present, just smiled and nodded hopping he wouldn't have to deal with the trainee. ~Great! Another Zoicite! I wonder if Malachite likes 3somes.~

Neflite's ears perked up immediately as soon as he heard the new trainee would be a woman. ~Great! Another Zoicite!!~ (Hey what Mal doesn't know won't hurt him) ~Maybe I could take her out for some lemonade after.~

Zoicite, as usual, began thinking of new and twisted ways of torturing Neflite using the new trainee as bate. (What she had in mind, we won't mention...)

But despite the simple thoughts of the others, Malachite knew immediately what was going to happen if he had to train the new candidate. ~Zoi-chan is going to get jealous. Neflite will have a field day with that and all hell is going to break loose. Jedite, well Jedite won't know what is going on, so at least I don't have to worry about him. My poor Zoi darling. Tonight I'll make it all bett....~

Sharp screams then shattered Mal's pleasant thoughts, and the repulsive odour of burning youma flesh came emanating from the hall.

"JADE!" Beryl screamed almost breaking the mirror in Jedite's pocket, "How many times have I told you to leave the youma alone.

"Sorry Aunty Beryl," a sweet voice called from the hall, "I just wanted to play with it!"

"AUNTY BERYL?" the 4 Generals chimed in unison.

"Yes," the Queen said. "This is my niece Jade." In walked a little girl no older than 9, wearing a frilly black dress, and carrying the head of a youma in her arms.

Her red eyes lit up immediately with delight when she saw her next play

thing. She dropped the youma head, letting it roll, and ran full speed toward Jedite. She latched onto his leg and looked up at him with hearts in her eyes. "Aunty Beryl, Can I keep him!??"

Ch. 2: Cradle Robbing and Other Fine Pastimes

"You...you want us to train her," Jedite slowly stammered while he gently tried to pry the child from his leg.

"Isn't she a bit young," Neflite joined in.

"Aunty Beryl!! I want to play," Jade cooed. Beryl was a little shocked at the spore's...I mean the darling's cries, but tried to remain calm.

"Come here Jade," she said, trying to sound as nice as she possibly

could. As soon as the tot was safely out of the way, Beryl blasted Neflite and Jedite clear into the Silver Millennium and back again.

"NEVER QUESTION MY ORDERS!"

"Yes my queen," Jedite and Neflite muttered from a heap in the corner.

"Obviously the little dear has taken a liking to Jedite," Malachite said, almost mocking Jed. "He is also a very capable teacher, so I feel he should train Jade." ~I'll do anything to keep that...that thing away from me. She makes Rini look almost angelic...almost.~ Mal thought.

"I agree with Malachite," Zoicite grinned.

"Ditto," Neflite said, still in a pile in the corner with Jed. A swift kick to Nef's head was all the reply Jed could give. "Ouch! What was that for you..."

"NEFLITE, JEDITE! ENOUGH!" Beryl wailed. With that cry, Jed's spare

mirror in his other pocket broke.

"But my Queen," Jed uttered "Malachite is a much more capable trainer than me."

"It matters not. I shall let Jade decide." "Jade. Who would you like to train you."

Jade, with eyes taking up more than the usual 3/8ths of her face, almost

stuttered in excitement.

"Aunty Beryl, can he train me?" "He's cute!"

Jed blushed.

"That one's a bitch," she said pointing to Zoi. "He smells like alcohol," she cried, pointing to none other than Neflite. "And he looks like Grandpa Joe," she said giggling.

Mal was not amused. He had seen Grandpa Joe.

Jade ran over to Jed and grabbed his hand. "Come on! Let's go!" She

screamed. Not knowing what exactly to do, Jed lead Jade off in the direction of the training grounds. Stifled snickers could be heard in the background as Jed walked away.

"Jeddy's got a girlfriend."

"Cradle robber!"

"I thought Neflite was bad!"

"Do I ask you who you sleep with? Well I already know, but..."

"Hey! Shut your mouth and get to your AA meeting Neflite! You know they hate it when you're late."

"Can it blondie!"

"Its better to be a blonde then to be the one who screws an underage

red-head! With a bad Brooklyn accent may I add!"

"I wouldn't be talking you're dating Grandpa Joe!"

(::And in a whirl of cherry blossoms and energy blasts the scene fades to black::)

Ch. 3: Bed Time Bribery

A slightly nervous Jedite led Jade down the hall to her sleeping

quarters. It had been a long day of training and they both were exhausted.

"Jeddy tuck me in!" Jade said in a nauseatingly sweet voice. "And I can't get to sleep without a glass of water and a bedtime story."

"Why me? Why me?" Jed mumbled under his breath, as he tucked in little Miss Devil-Spawn and got her a glass of water. As he went to leave the room Jade cleared her throat,

"Bedtime story please."

".I...Ummm...Am a little busy tonight Jade-chan. Maybe tomorrow?" Jed pleaded. Hearing that, Jade jumped out of her bed and ran toward the door. "AUNTY BERYL!! JEDITE IS BEING..."

SLAM!! As a reflex Jedite closed the door, and caused Jade to smash face first into it.

"#&^%#@!! Please say she bounces...Please say she bounces."

But Jed had no such luck as the little rodent crashed to the floor. "Beryl is going to kill me!!"

A quick whirl of cherry blossoms obscured Jed's vision as Zoicite

appeared.

"Kill you for what?" Noticing Jade lying on the floor, she quickly

shut her mouth. "Your right...She is going to kill you." Zoicite began to disappear when she felt something tugging at her boot.

"Please Zoi. You gotta help me!!" Jedite said, putting on his most

adorable puppy face.

"And why should I?"

"Because if Beryl kills, maims, or otherwise finds me incapable of taking care of the spore then you're gonna have take care of her." Zoicite looked at Jed in shock. Partly because of his use of big words and partly because she knew it was the truth.

"Look on the bright side," Jed exclaimed. "At least she won't hit on you. Malachite may be a whole other story though.."

"Fine I'll help you!!!" was all Zoi could cry as the thought of the

little fungus touching her Mally-chan entered her mind. Zoicite knelt down and cast a healing spell over Jade. For added security she also threw in a spell that erased Jade's memory of her meeting with the

door.

Jade woke up slowly and looked at Jedite with large, adoring grey eyes.

"Jeddy, will you tuck me in?" Her momentary bless was soon ruptured when she saw Zoicite. "What the hell is this bitch doing in here?" She screamed.

"Well, she came to tell you a bedtime story, Jade-chan" Jed replied in his sweetest voice.

"I want you to tell me a story Jeddy! Please."

".I...Ummm...Am a little busy tonight Jade-chan. Maybe tomorrow?" Jed pleaded. Hearing that, Jade jumped out of her bed and ran toward the door.

"AUNTY BERYL!! JEDITE IS BEING..."

SLAM!! Once again Jedite closed the door right on Jade's face. "NO! NOT AGAIN!" Jed screamed.

"This is going to be a long night," Zoicite said as she knelt down to heal Jade yet again. "Once, all right I don't blame you. Twice, YOU MUST BE A &*^%ing moron!"

"DON'T START ZOICITE!"

Ch. 4: A Once in a Lifetime Event ~or~ You May Already be a Winner in the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes

"JEDITE REPORT!" were the words that awakened Jedite from his not so

peaceful slumber. He had spent half the night reading bedtime stories to

Jade. Then, since she wouldn't let him leave the room, he found a nice place at the foot of her bed to fall asleep at.

Jedite got up and quickly teleported to Beryl's chamber. "Yes, my Queen" he said as he bowed.

"I wish to hear a report on Jade's first day of training." The Queen

commanded.

"All went as you ordered, my Queen." Jedite said, trying to block the events of the previous day out of his mind.

"Good." Beryl replied. "I expect her ready for tomorrow. Neflite will brief you on your assignment. You will be going to Earth."

Jedite grimaced. Jade was nowhere near ready to go to Earth. But

nonetheless he teleported to Neflite's chamber to be briefed. When he arrived Neflite was observing the stars, drinking a glass of lemonade. Jedite cleared his throat. Neflite looked up startled, but got right to work.

"Your assignment is to ::hiccup:: kill one of Earth's ::hiccup::

strongest warriors. He ::hiccup:: is called ::hiccup:: Carrot Top." Neflite pulled out a picture of the comedically challenged red-head to show Jedite.

"Wasn't Aaronite (pronounced Aaron nite) assigned to this job?" Jedite asked.

"Yes, but after numerous ::hiccup:: failures, Beryl ::hiccup:: disposed of him."

"Was this before or after she made him her bed-toy?" Jedite said. He was a little more than nervous.

"After." Neflite remarked, grimacing. "Tomorrow morning you will

::hiccup:: take Jade and go down to ::hiccup:: Earth to ::hiccup:: kill

Carrot Top. Beryl ::hiccup:: will not tolerate ::hiccup:: another failure."

"Yes sir." Jedite replied. He hated being the least ranking of the

Generals. That meant he always had to take orders from a certain drunk, star gazing pedophile.

He quickly returned to Jade's room. He was happy to see that she was

awake and ready to go. He did not want to see what she was like in the

morning.

"What are we going to do today, Jeddy-chan?" Jade asked as she assumed her usual position of latching onto Jed's leg.

"We are going down to the training area so you can practice your target shots." Jed said, hoping she would be good and just go. For once his wish was granted. Jade was eager to show off her tricks and maybe add some more burnt youma heads to her collection.

When they arrived at the target range, Jedite set Jade to work. Jed knew perfectly well he would never dispose of Carrot Top with Jade around, so he needed an idea quick. As usual, he couldn't think of anything, so he figured a little help from a willing General wouldn't be a bad idea.

Once the Demon-spawn had become engulfed in obliterating youma, Jed

called Zoicite. In her usual whirl of cherry blossoms she appeared.

"What do you want?" She asked dryly.

"I need to get rid of Jade while I go kill Carrot Top." Jed stated.

"Wasn't Aaronite assigned to that job?"

"Yeah, but he couldn't do it so Beryl made him her bed-toy then got rid of him." Jedite said.

"So what the hell do you want me to do? Baby-sit the little spore?"

Zoicite asked.

"Great idea Zoicite. I'll be leaving early tomorrow morning."

Zoicite frowned. Tomorrow Malachite was taking her to a book burning. He would be pissed if she couldn't go. Zoi, never wanting to disappoint her Mally-chan, then quickly came up with an idea.

"Beryl would know if Jade stays in the Dark Kingdom. It would be smarter to just drop her off at an Earth day care."

"No way," Jed started, "no one on Earth could handle Jade except for

maybe a Sailor Scout."

Then a once in a lifetime event happened. Jedite had a thought, an evil, malevolent thought. (The best kind.)

"Zoicite, watch Jade for a minute. I'll be right back."

Ch. 5: Wanted: Part-Time Baby-Sitter, Must be Good with Demonic Satan-Spawn and Must Like to Piss Off Authority

Jedite reappeared in his quarters. He knew exactly what had to be done. If his plan worked he would be able to get rid of Jade long enough to kill Carrot Top and maybe kill a Sailor Senshi or two in the process. There was not a doubt in his mind that Jade would give any human a massive coronary, so maybe dumping her off with the Scouts would get rid of them for sure.

"Which Scout should I bless with Jade's presence?" Jedite thought.

Suddenly his eyes widened and he almost passed out from sheer bless. "Rei can have her! I never liked that bitch anyway." Jed picked up the phone that had conveniently materialised in front of him and began to dial the Temple.

"And how did you manage to get her number?" A smooth voice behind him asked. Jed immediately hung up the phone and turned around.

"Hi Malachite. She's got a thing for blondes. What can I say?" Jed

replied. Somehow he wasn't intimidated by someone who looked like he could be Beryl's grandfather. Mal growled and blasted Jed into the wall.

"I am your superior. You will respect me..." An hour and 20 bruises

later, Jed managed to untangled himself and Mal was content with his lecture. After one final blast for good measure, Mal left. (He had to show up sometime in the story.)

Once again Jed picked up the receiver of the phone. He quickly dialled Rei's number and hoped for the best.

RING! RING!

Jed's luck was back on track. No one answered. All he got was the

answering machine.

Hi, you've reached the Cherry Hill Temple. We're not available to take your call right now.

If you would like to have a fire reading done press 1.

If you would like to arrange an exorcism press 2.

If you would like to have a marriage, funeral, or Bar Mitzvah sanctified by our head priest press 3.

If you would like to speak with Rei, Grandpa, or Chad leave your name, number, and a brief message after the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

And if this is Jedite....I mean Jed Ight. STOP CALLING ME! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'LL CALL THE COPS.

Jed slammed down the phone. "Wow what a bitch. I only called her once after I left the Temple and she acts like I'm stalking her. So much for a second date." He frowned. He never really got a first date.

"JEDITE! GET THIS PARASITE OFF OF ME!" Zoicite appeared right in front of Jed. She didn't even bother to add the cherry blossoms. She was covered in youma blood and had Jade attached to her ankle.

"Jeddy! Why did you leave me? Zoicite was mean." Jade cooed. Instantly she let go of Zoicite's boot and grabbed onto Jed.

Zoicite quickly regained her composure. "And who, may I ask, were you

calling when you should have been watching the...." Zoicite voice trailed off as Jade began to form an ice crystal in her hand.

"You can't do that," She whined, "Ice crystals are my weapons!"

"Where did you learn to do that?" Jedite inquired.

"Mally-chan taught me." Jade replied simply.

THUD! Zoi hit the floor, and hit it hard.

"Good girl Jade." Jed said as he handed her a cookie.

"Maybe I can take her to Earth after all." He thought.

Ch. 6: Carrot Top and Other Things to be Afraid Of

Jedite was secretly proud of Jade. Not only did she royally piss off

Zoicite, but she actually made her faint! After that little incident Jed made sure to keep Jade happy. Now it was time to take her to Earth.

"Queen Beryl was right." Jed thought. "She does have potential. Maybe I can have her kill Carrot Top while I go get my hair done and pick up some chicks." His happy thoughts almost obstructed him from his task and a impetuous kick in the ass by Malachite got him back on track.

Jed quickly appeared in Jade's room. She took her usual position

attached to his leg and they teleported down to Earth. They appeared in the middle of the park. (You know the one. It's where absolutely everything happens.) Today there was a comedy festival going on by the pond.

Jed knelt beside Jade and tried to explain their job. "We have to do

Queen Beryl a favour." He began. "There is a man here that hurt our Queen very badly. He is one of Earth's strongest warriors. We need to kill him." Jed pulled a picture of Carrot Top out of his pocket. "His name is Carrot Top.

Get him, Jade! Go get him!"

Jade took off. She rounded the corner quickly, but stopped dead on when she saw what she was up against. She began to quiver. For the first time in her life, Jade was petrified. This Carrot Top was more horrific than she had thought. Jed knew this was going to happen. He himself was a little scared of Carrot Top. The red-headed devil stood up on the stage smashing himself in the head with a plastic mallet that squeaked. No ordinary human was that stupid!

Jed began to comfort Jade who was wailing so loud she made Serena look like a mute.

"He...he...he's so scary!" Jade stammered.

"I know Jade, I know. But you have to kill him for the good of the

Negaverse. Do it for Aunty Beryl."

"Not even she could make me go anywhere near that thing!" Jade screamed.

She was beginning to draw attention.

"Hehe." Jed chuckled nervously. "She's a little scared of Carrot Top." He explained to the on-lookers.

"I don't blame her." A few of them muttered.

"Ok. Jade. If you won't do it for Aunty Beryl. Do it for me." Jed said. A bolt of courage shot through Jade. Jed was counting on her. She had to do something.

Jed gave her a little push and started her off toward the small trailer where Carrot Top had retreated to.

"That must be his tactical base." Jedite thought.

"This is it." He said slowly. "He will know that something is up if I go in there. This Carrot Top may be un-amusing, not funny, and just plain stupid, but he isn't a complete idiot." Jed explained. "He knows perfectly well that no one over the age of 12 finds him funny. So you will go in there and finish him off. Understood Jade?"

"Yes sir, Jeddy-chan." She said, new courage flowing through her veins. She headed off toward Carrot Top's trailer.

Ch. 7: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED CARROT TOP! YOU....KICK ASS!

Jade stepped inside slowly. She half expected to find Carrot Top

torturing one of Beryl's minions for the sheer enjoyment of it, but was

completely off. Carrot Top was nothing more than a day glow orange pile of moon dust on the floor. The Sailor Senshi stood around it waiting for it do disappear.

"What the hell?" Jade exclaimed. "That was my job!"

"Who are you?" The Senshi asked at the same time.

"I am Jade. And I was supposed to kill Carrot Top!"

Jade started to wail at the top of her lungs. Even Sailor Moon grimaced. This of course caught Jed's attention. He ran full speed into the trailer, toppling over Chibi-Moon. (Who had appeared out of nowhere about a season early for the sole purpose of appearing in this fic.) As would be expected Jed fell flat on his face right in front of Sailor Mars.

"Nice Jedite. You always could make an entrance...AAAAARGGGG! Let go of me you little brat!"

"Don't you talk about my Jeddy that way, whore!" Jade had a death grip on Sailor Mars' ankle. It wasn't all too painful but it was an annoyance. We all know how much Mars likes annoyances. She quickly shook Jade off of her leg and was about to kick her in the head.

"Will someone please tell me what's going on?" Sailor Mercury asked.

Jedite got up and shook himself off.

"Well," He began, "We were sent here to kill Carrot Top. Supposedly he was one of Earth's strongest warriors."

"Hell no!" Sailor Venus broke in. "We thought he was on your side."

"I don't think so! No one in the Dark Kingdom is that stupid." Jed

retorted.

"Except for Neflite." Jupiter added.

"Except for Neflite." Jed said. "Hey..."

They all stood around the pile of orange moon dust for quite a while

before Sailor Mercury broke the silence.

" If he isn't from the Negaverse and he isn't on our side, where is he from?"

"Does it matter now?" Sailor Moon asked. "I want to go see Darien, so I'm outie." With that she took her leave from this fic.

"She's right. The comically challenged dweeb is gone. I think its safe to leave now." Sailor Jupiter said. The rest of the Senshi nodded their heads and left.

Only Jed and Jade remained staring at the remains of Carrot Top.

"So what we gonna tell Aunty Beryl?" Jade asked.

"That we killed him, of course." Jed answered.

"Good enough for me." Jade said.

And with that they both disappeared back into the Negaverse.....

End Note: I hope you liked my story. Please send all comments, suggestions, and flames to DarkPluto67@hotmail.com. If you do decide to diss my story, please give me a good reason. "Because it's stupid" doesn't cut it. I know it's stupid. That's why it's funny. Thanks.