Suicide Letter

I laid down before wondering about the next.
those voids of time are an enemy to me.
I was given too much time to think.
about the days before and when, what and why.
about the days to come and where, who, and how... and if.
about that day.
about that hour.
about that minute.
about that second.
about that very moment in life,
that i would never grasp again,
wasted in spite, damn.

I stood there then, instrument at hand,
whether to use the key between life and death.
wondering if my happy, unappreciated life will view before me...
just before the viewing ends all in all.
too surreal, i thought. too surreal, too real.
the pity feeds itself with pity on pity.
the anger is more of self than others,
why this could not have been handled better rather than
why could not this have happened?

the cruel reality of eternity and unreliability of the temporary.
must i burn in hell just for this moment?
Just so that people will falsely mourn for me for a while and move on?
like a sick, final drug of the temporary unexperience...
the chance was taken. only too late to stop.

I stood there then, barely believing, barely living.
what a feeling, trying to record all the events just so that it will be forgotten in my death.
the pain is overcome by the surreality.
my soul is raining.
my life is draining.
my tears flow with self-pity and anguish.
damn this world. damn my selfishness.
a prayer for awakening. a plead for change.
Father, too late for me, it is.
....

I laid there then, rotting with maggots feeding on my hide.
a sick, sad representation of what i had done.
the usual shock and tears filled my former life-companions.
But i knew better, not at that time but before my death,
that this would all pass.
man is unreliable, can't even miss me for etenity in sorrow.
my intelligence damned me.
the knowledge was too much to bear.
my mother.
my father.
a late farewell to thee from thine cursed son.
to my beloved, oh beloved.
if only you could see me see you before my death.
holding me near,
embracing me in the way i longed while i lived.
if only i could see you see me in my death.
touching my cold cheek the way i longed for yours.
your soft kiss, the way it made me feel right about the world.
...
the scene would be too much for me to bear my beloved.
all the world would be dark in a scene full of love and sorrow.
save me. save me as you once did as we kissed.

i lay there now, my corpse at least, six feet under the ground.
with only the memory of you keeping company.
but you don't care now, ten years later from when you last saw me.
it is the memory of you and those around me then that i live with.
i live in the past. slow, flashes of us dancing in the graveyard, alive.
haha... the thought chokes me and fills me with sadness.
i loved you.
but i lay here now, my corpse at least, in a place where memories die.
along with my soul.
dying in eternal flames of wrath.
it hurts so bad and never goes away even for a second. not a moment.
and yet i can still find sorrow in my heart.
for the crime i have commited.
for the past.
the present.
and the eternal future.

...

this is why i will never commit suicide.