Some of my funny and not so funny one liners
By John Cody Note Most Of The Following are E-Mails That Were Sent to Me And Are Not Copywright by The Author
Sign in a restaurant window in LA all bloods welcome except on crip days.
Why is it that all babies before they are potty trained, look like they have a potato in their diaper?
Why is it when your son or daughter asks you what you think about their date, we lie and say, "oh they seem real nice."
(Wife to her husband)
"I know that kissing makes it hard for you Peter why don’t you try having your dentures fixed?"Long distance relationships really do work. The longer they are, the longer they work
A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. What’s a man going to do? Anything his wife tells him to do.
JIM and MARY
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One daywhile They were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumpedInto the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and Pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic Act,he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he Now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good News and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, You were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've Regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you Saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I'm so Sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him hey’re to dry.
Romance Never Dies
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep But the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he Reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, He reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you use to bite my neck". Angrily, He threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed “Where are you going?" She asked. To get my teeth!" He replied.Retirement
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply For Social security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the Counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers License to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized He had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very Sorry but he seemed to have Left His wallet at home. "I will have to go home and comeback later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt Revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair On your chest is proof enough for me," & she processed his social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his Experience at the social security office. His wife replied, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."If you Read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into regular workout routine. A must read!
Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothingand swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history
of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him
with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&&&& Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
Black and white - An ode to times long gone, For older folks only - (Under 40, you won't understand)
You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV set, "Good night, David; Good night, Chet". Dependin' on the channel you tuned You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June. It felt so good, felt so right. Life looked better in black and white. I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane. Father Knows Best, Patty Duke Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night-- Life looked better in black and white. I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives Good guys always won the fights. Now nothing is the way it seems In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too much fight, I want to go back to black and white. In God they trusted, in bed they slept. A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their vows. They'd never make the network now. But if I could, I'd rather be In a TV town in '53. It felt so good, felt so right Life looked better in black and white. I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white
I'm Fine. How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me, I'm just as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I hate to think about. I'm overweight and I can't get thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. And arch supports I need for my feet. Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I'm all right. My memory's failing, my head's in a spin. But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. Old age is golden I've heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, My glasses are on a shelf, until I get up. And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf? The reason I know my Youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went! But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up has been. I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead, So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed. The moral of this as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old. It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin, Than to let people know the shape we are in.
copyright © 2000,2003 by john cody