Beg, Borrow & Deal, Episode 1: Jumping Ahead

by Sting7 -- 09/18/2002

The newest entrant into the reality series horserace comes from the unlikely ESPN, the sports channel programmed into the television remotes of every 25-40 year old male in America. The show is Beg, Borrow & Deal, and it premiered Tuesday night.

The rules are simple, two co-ed teams of four late twenty- early thirtysomethings are given a list of tasks to complete, each one in a different state, as they travel from Manhattan to Alcatraz Island. Road Rules, basically. But, here is the twist. The contestants are not allowed to handle money at any time. Food, transportation, cell phones - all must be provided by the kindness of strangers. The teams are allowed to use FAVORS, but with caveats. They must use the benefit of that favor within 12 hours. The prize the teams are shooting for is a sweet one -- an all expense paid trip for two to the championship sporting event of their choice. SuperBowl, World Series, Stanley Cup, whichever they choose!

The Teams:

RED: Josh, Juliet, Bubba, and Kelli

GREEN: Julian, Aubrey, Tony, and Katie

The shows begins as the lucky eight are awakened from a dead sleep and informed that they have made the show. Yippee! And the game begins. The teams are assigned, similar lists are given to each team. Immediately, the teams start strategizing about which tasks would be easiest to do. And most fun.

Green Team notes that one challenge is to be photographed with a Olympic gold, silver, or bronze medal. Yeah, sure! Everybody knows an Olympian! Oh, wait! shrieks Juliet. I know Summer Sanders. Her team members look at her slack-jawed as she proclaims she'll just call Summer and it will be cool.

The Red Team spends an inordinate amount of time complaining about the cold and trying to get out of it. Julian says he has a friend in town and we'll just crash at his place for awhile. The Red Team arrives at said friend's house and said friend, Brian, has the nerve not to be home. Imagine.

Juliet calls Summer Sanders, who actually won two golds, a silver and a bronze medal in 1992, and is the co-host of NBA Inside Stuff, and has to leave a message. The humanity. Later, Juliet tries again and gets Summer Sanders. Oh, yeah, what I'll do is meet you on this here street corner, and we'll take the pictures, and I go on with my glamorous life. Sweet! Juliet's teammates can't believe their luck. Bubba looks a little skeptical.

Ultimately, they get to the aforementioned street corner and there is Summer Sanders! Hugs, hugs. Summer says let's get cracking, I have a glamorous life to lead. All four members are photographed. MISSION COMPLETED.

ESPN's Rich Eisen, a SportsCenter anchor, and host of this program, reminds us with a bemused grin that the successful team gets to use a producer's cell phone and talk a little smack to the other team about their completed mission. The Green Team's Josh calls the Red Team's Aubrey, who grins through Josh's accomplished faux-humility schmaltz about how they knocked out a mission justlikethat. "Good for you guys!" the beauty enthuses, and she's almost convincing. After she hangs up, with her eyes rolled back so far she can probably see her thoughts, she recounts the conversation.

Red Team's Tony says he won't fall for Josh's smack. Aubrey declares that she truly believes that the first team to score isn't necessarily the team who wins.

Back at Victory Lane, Josh decides the team needs a name, because he knows Sting7 is gonna get really bored with typing Red Team... Green Team� Red Team. So, they ask Olympian, television personality, and creative genius Summer Sanders what she thinks. She recalls that the mascot for the 1992 Olympics was named Cobi� Team Cobi! Yayyy! And Team Cobi was born.

Hearing that Team Cobi is already on the board spurs the Red Team into action. They have decided that they want to take on the challenge of playing a prison basketball game. Tony is all over this one. He recognizes the likelihood of serious elbowing and ribbing, but that's okay with him. (I state for the record that Sting7 would want absolutely nothing to do with this mission). Pushy Katie says her parents live in Elmira, which is in the vicinity of a prison apparently, so she'll just call her folks.

Meanwhile, Julian's aforementioned said friend, Brian, comes home and the Red Team hangs while they wait for Katie's parents to come swoop them up. Aubrey is getting a bit anxious with all the waiting. Katie is coming off like she is very used to her parents getting her out various jams. Katie tells/threatens her mother that she'll have to sell her body to random strangers if mother does not perform her eternal parental duty and get her out of trouble again.

The gold van pulls up.

Hugs, hugs, meet my parents. Katie's parents look a bit shell-shocked, but are gracious. Tony decides he is hungry and schmoozes a woman who looks old enough to be his mother into buying food. The rest of the team wait in the van, with no idea where Tony is. Aubrey is fairly bristling. The first restaurant Tony and his sponsor hit is closed. "Erm, there's a deli over there! Would that be okay, sweetie?" Tony drips. My stomach lurches. In the deli, Tony intuits that everyone loves Cheerios, but has a hard time finding a "good" milk. Eventually, Tony makes it back to van and appears to be the only one eating. Katie is on his case almost immediately. Seeing Tony take a swig of water from a bottle, she whines, "Is that the water we all are supposed to be drinking? Would I like some? Nooo thank you, because there's Honey Nut Cheerios swimming in it!"

Good point. Eww.

Tony tells her to just have a good cry about it. In Elmira Heights (somewhere along the way, Katie's folks said ixnay to staying in their house), the team land at a high school friend's parents' house and the Red Team sleeps there.

With one victory under their belt, Team Cobi charms a British couple into buying them train tickets to New Jersey. That done, Juliet and Kelli use their feminine wiles to score a ride for the team to the Meadowlands Arena. The mission: shoot a basket in the Meadowlands. They encounter a security guard. What do you want? Explanations are futile, no haps. Team Cobi tries to regroup in the lobby when a media relations person, Helen Strus, takes pity on them and bring them to her office. She schools them on how to play "the game," she provides, names, numbers, contacts, references. Team Cobi is in awe of her. The team needs a place to sleep. Strus, a woman of the 21st century, offers them a ride to Secaucus, in a spot with lots of hotels and malls. What a break!

But, maybe not. Josh and Bubba decide the best approach to talk their way into a hotel room for the night is to be earnest. Turn on the charm. Bubba, use that drawl. Josh, work the puppy dog eyes. The girls are assigned food duty. Hotel after hotel, no after no. The team is starting to get discouraged. They are working an Embassy Suites when Bubba hears a fellow Southern accent. The dreaded Southern Thang ensues and the family of strangers give up one of their two hotel rooms for the team! Kelli finds the Southern Thang strange, but accepts its benefits. Nighty night.

The Red Team continues to chill at nameless high school friend's nameless parents' house, taking full advantage of The Run Of The House. Rich Eisen clarifies that the team can stay at the house for 12 hours and use whatever is in the house (with the owner's permission, obviously). That includes phones, beds, food, still no money. Kelli says her Dad knows the mayor of Elmira Heights, and the mayor used to work for the prison and voila! Kelli confidently calls (someone, not clear) and hits a female brick wall. After some pleading, Kelli advances to an "I'll call you back."

Aubrey's antsiness intensifies. Festering, she snaps, "If she doesn't call back in the next five minutes I say we get out of here." Aubrey starts filibustering to research which colleges are in town for a different mission, but Kelli protests. Tony notes that just 24 hours ago, Aubrey was the most positive and enthusiastic member of the team. This change is somewhat jarring for him.

Team Cobi invoke the name of Helen Strus with a New York Giants representative. Their next mission is to catch a 35-yard pass from an NFL quarterback. The representative sounds entertained by Josh's plight and promises to get back in touch. Team Cobi head to Giants Stadium uncertain if things will work out. Josh calls the rep from the lobby and it's a go!

Along the way, they bump into Giants cornerback, and Angie Harmon's hubby, Jason Sehorn. He chats amiably with the starstruck Team Cobi. He also offers them a ride if they can wait three hours. Uh, sure! Ride with Jason Sehorn? Yeah baby! They also chat with running back Tiki Barber, who graciously autographs everything they stick in front of him. Now, its time for the challenge. The quarterback is Jesse Palmer. Juliet digs him.

Kelli notes that the challenge sounded easy, until they counted off the 35 yards. It looked like a mile! Kelli was afraid she wouldn't even be able to see the football until it was hurtling toward her face, Marcia Brady style.

Bubba goes first. Bubba says he doesn't want to just stand there and catch, he wants to run a route, dammit! He runs the route, here comes the pass, boom! He catches it on the first try! His teammates feel a surge of confidence. Looks easy enough. Kelli goes next, after a few tries, she catches the pass! Two down.

Josh is next. Josh confides he is not really a sports guy. Yeah, he's a big guy and all, but... naw. Josh awkwardly drops pass after pass. Mercifully, he finally circus-catches a pass and he is done! Juliet tells us that she plays tons of beach football with guys and they always tell her she is SO GOOD! Well, she's clearly not on a beach, as we watch her drop pass after pass after pass. Jesse's arm is fixing to fall off. Juliet drops so many passes that she has attracted a crowd. The New York football Giants!

Josh says he was beginning to wonder if they were going to complete this mission. A Giants trainer is tapping his foot and clearing his throat.

With every drop, she cusses lustfully. This generates snickers from the Giants. Kelli admonishes them that Juliet needs encouragement! Yeah, whatever, they murmur. Drop! (expletive expletive) snicker-snicker-snicker. Jesse gives her a little pep talk. And, spurred on by the cute quarterback (and the magic of television), she catches the pass! Cheers erupt! A somewhat sarcastic one from the Giants. Now we can train, for Pete's Sake. Mission Completed!

That makes the score:

Team Cobi: 2

Red Team: 0

Speaking of the Red Team, they are still at Katie's nameless high school friend's nameless parents house. Aubrey is about to blow. Tony has a talk with her outside. Aubrey says she wants to be doing something. Tony says they will. Aubrey says she would never come down on her teammates, she will come down on herself because she isn't doing anything to help them, but she feels helpless because she doesn't know anything about upstate New York and� and� (sniff-sniff) the water works start. There, there, says Tony. When we get to your neck of the woods, you can shine. Now shut up.

NEXT WEEK: Red Team appears to escape from New York, they are wearing Philadelphia Eagles stuff and catching footballs. Team Cobi appears to hit a snag, tempers are flaring, Bubba says Kelli is acting bipolar.