One of Them Nice, Metallic, Magic Combs

The number of really decent, respectable people per square feet of land in the Money District has greatly diminished since it got all moneyed-up, thanks to the efforts of the really smart people who brought all the money in. But no thanks to them, you can barely talk to anyone, or call anyone up on the phone, or even trust a complete stranger enough for you to give him or her your home phone number, without having this nagging fear at the back of your mind they’re plotting to take your money off you.

I’ve just last night received an “advanced christmas gift” from one of the “money institutions you are sure you can trust not to rob a cent off you.” I was so excited about it I had practically almost forgotten to pay the delivery boy money for his services. When I opened it up, it turned out to be one of them nice metallic “magic” combs, except that it was only on picture. The real thing I could get, the “gift” said, for “free”, after I’ve personally handed over to them basically two army-size duffel bags full of my hard-earned money.

That was pure insanity. Magic combs can be bought on sidewalks and selected pedestrian overpasses around the city for only ten pesos. I immediately pitied whoever genius that came up with a sort of scam like that, but when I thought about it, he was no more miserable than those who would subscribe to such wasteful dispatch of money.

In the first place, stuffing the bank up with money wasn’t really as easy as transporting to them money neatly, conveniently placed in bags. There was something they refered to as “affilite business establishments“. This included about a dozen clothes store, some ten or eleven beauty “enhancement” salons and restaurants, four coffee shops, a car rental service, two “competing” fitness gyms, two record stores, a bead shop, and three of the most expensive hotels in the Money District. Parting with money to pay for the products or serivces of the said establishments was practically giving the bank the money it neeed in exchange for the “free” magic comb. In fact, losing money to these establishments was the only way one could fulfill the bank’s requirements.

I had already crumpled the letter attached to the gift and was ready to dump it out of my window and into my next door neighbor’s backyard, when a gust of wind coming from my P7,899.95 electric fan blew on my hair. Looking at my reflection through my P399.75 mirror, I saw that my hair did not only get messed up, it was tangled up in a way that couldn’t be fixed by any ordinary comb. That was when it occurred to me that about the only thing I needed was one of them nice, metallic, magic combs.

© Jay Santos 2003.