Spring 1999 to Spring 2000Poetry

Spring 1999 to Spring 2000

The day before church

Devil got a blue dress

Prom next year

She is ready

Ecstasy tonight

Job gets god from heroin

Sits at home

Crying to Nirvana

Bad chemicals some might say

Mary got a date with a football player

Rapes her in the back of his Mustang

He will remember to put a notch in time

by telling his buddies all about it

Jesus and his mom get beaten by Dad's brown belt

Next year his mom will divorce him

Tomorrow they will all go to church

January 18, 1999

Fuck you Mother Teresaä : The saint next door

Why must I die on this cross for your sins?

Am I sane among the mad?

Or mad among the sane?

Why do people who work in the social services get paid so little?

And why are they overworked and understaffed?

And why do I need you to care anymore?

It's my cross.

January 21, 1999

Subjectivity or relativism is your only defense in the onslaught of new information. As you get older, you will become set in certain ways of thinking. Safety will kill you faster than the unknown will. The unknown is something to accept like death. When you have accepted your death, the countless desires that fester in your head will slowly ebb away.

I no longer feel like a child

Things have more meaning for me

Or maybe I have gotten used to my shoes

Desires like the ocean

Suffering inherent

Give up your desires and give up your suffering

Too much of a challenge for you?

I know it is for me

February 15, 1999

Stop Lying. Tell everyone how you feel. Let them see no falseness. You will feel so much better when you start being true to yourself. I exist in your head. YOU ARE ONLY LYING TO YOURSELF. You will never escape from your subjective perceptions. You will never escape from your schemas (experiences that create your view of reality) and instruments of information acquiring (your five senses). TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH. Love yourself. Tell me the truth so that we can save each other.

February 5, 1999

The stranger

Sitting in a strange land

I tell you of your legs

But you can not walk

They rape your mind

You must think

Your friends will be made into the blood of the monster

The walls crash into your false center

Someone will give you drugs

They fucked her good

Told all their friends about it

The dots are getting harder to connect

The water is getting dirty

No more will you see me out there

A lying mask

February 9, 1999

I really don't care anymore. This righteousness will always be a lie. I have accepted death. It’s a pointless existence without absolute truth. A world I think in is numbing me slowly. I know nothing and assume I know everything.

PS: Fuck you, I don't want your dogma. Keep it in your decayed mind. I enjoy the suffering of existence.

I want to communicate to you how fucked up this world is. How much we must reduce the physical and emotional suffering that will always be inherent in the human condition. When I talk to you, I am talking to myself. I am trying to affirm my existence.

February 10, 1999

Box

When I was living from paycheck to paycheck without a home, I was an emotional mess. I felt discarded by my family and society. I came to the realization of my aloneness. Then I came to understand the emptiness of their futile lives. The ones who are bumping into each other in the dark, the ones who control the switches but not the knobs of the doors, the trampled small people who litter the ground, the witch who cackles in the corner, and the one who holds the blade.

Let me help you out. Throw all your music away. They can't tell you anything you don't know already. Think for yourself. The universe is inside your head.

I hate you all. I hate your stupid boring tedious comprehensible phrases you learned from the TV. The way you talk at people instead of to them. I think most of all I am growing tired of people faking. The wearing of the mask. Security huh? I wear mine too.

Tired masks for the dead

You will forget to feel

You are becoming the robot stare

Devil countdown

Burn those witches

They were whores of the land

You forget how to live your life

You have died

Soulless without meaning

I hate you all

Think and Change

February 15, 1999

"Don’t lie to yourself, it gave you pleasure"- Rob Zombie

Your lives of lies bore me

entertainment is to fill the emptiness you feel

I want to hold and love you

tell you its all alright

CANT GET THE MASK OFF

CANT GET THE MASK OF ILLUSSION OFF

The infinite frustration and paradox of suffering

February 18, 1999

Obscenity: Why not?

Heaven can be smelled in the orgies that begin at dawn.

The clothes are losing their hold on their bodies. Exposed seductive chocolate and vanilla candy, the constraining wrapper, the chorus of kissing sounds rise out from this mass of desire, Athena's lips are not going to retrained on this throbbing rose filled shaft.

I have this agitation which I can not exorcise from my mind and body. I feel as if nothingness and absolute truth (confirmation of my existence) lurk somewhere ahead. These feelings are always clawing, scaring, and destroying pieces of me which of know not of. I feel stuck in some cosmic sitcom comedy, in which everyone is in on the joke but me. People are cardboard cutouts, sometimes I want to poke and push them over. I can not go to sleep, I can not distract my self, I can not run away from this numbness, this agitation. This feeling that the world is a whore and I have been duped somehow into this suffering and madness of existence.

Agnostic always

I feel as if these feelings are simultaneously true, false and without meaning.

February 26, 1999

Paralyzed, I could not help but analyze my thoughts, my choices, the endless information that is pouring through my senses, I am going insane, I am losing touch with the world, I am moving into a state of global awareness, sins from the past, the thread of culture, the hell on earth, the numbness, the mindless ones, alone, the subjectivity, the levels, the physical, the psychological, and the physiological, there has to be an end to this, I feel I don't know what is happening on the inside the outside, the paralyzing truth, the awareness of infinite memory, I know I must die for your sins, I am the one who must feel for you, I must pick up the flag that has been dropped by men on their way up the mountain, This is the only way, the only way. I must live to create. I will create for you.

February 27, 1999

They forget that to lose themselves in others is noble. It means you must lose the ego. But for it to happen both people have to be ready to receive. Communication will only work between equals.

Satan's crumbs: the dime store blues

Whose to know you hate your self

Can a bird find what is lost from the sky

Sickness some might find and keep

A beating and then they scream at you for their pleasure

Go to school tomorrow

Open the vehicle door and see Dad shooting heroin

Hell is what the name is

Fuck off idealism keepers

Ideas will route themselves and suffocate your life

They don't want you to do anything about it.

Just sit on the shit with cum on your hands and pants, and don't you think I am just a little bit vulgar yet. Whores will be there and so will the smell of death.

March 14, 1999

It will not happen fast enough. The world will not bend at my will. I must construct new realties- Its time I got serious about writing novels, plays, and stories.

Nothing outside yourself will ever make you happy. The world has always existed within. Money will burn, relationships end, and time erodes material things like sands in an hourglass. God is the attempted word we use to frame the unknowable. If I told the truth, would you forget it? If the truth were told would you forget it? What will heal your wounds when you always scar? See that monkey in the center with the stolid posture and that black book under his hand. The us monkeys are going to go out and destroy the thems. Have mercy for the sinners. You were born into sin. You were conceived by sin. The birds paint themselves in cars and shop around for other mates. This is the show of god. The world which evades me. The world which I will never be able to classify and sort into enough boxes. This is my suffering game. I cannot be god. I am Satan or maybe I am in the process of remembering who I am- god.

March 20, 1999

I want to end the world's suffering. I want the truth known. I want the dualism to end.

"cut away our smiles…the more awake I am the more I sleep…I went to god just to see and no one was looking at me… each thing I show you is a piece of my death… no salvation no forgiveness" - Marilyn Manson

Multitudes of voices and perspectives move into my consciousness like the ocean tide sickening my self.

Pestilence and plague of the minds

Blow it all off until hell. You killed yourselves. I am no longer responsible for your problems. I am no longer going to save you from yourself. I am not your savior. I am going to get down from this cross and enjoy what I can.

I fell into myself when my nipple was removed. The harlots of Babylon cry for my redemption into madness. Words are killing me. Thoughts are choking my happiness. Awareness is numbing my love.

April 10, 1999

Why am I doing this? Why have I chosen this career which puts me daily into suffering? Do I enjoy suffering? What am I trying to accomplish? The reduction of suffering in others. Can I continue to be a sponge? I must learn how to dissipate the suffering without burdening myself with it. I will live for the smiles and laughter of children. I will live so that I can experience the sensual delights the world has to offer but remembering that I am not of this world. My awareness will rest in the subjective water of being. I will continue for the benefit of the species. I will continue so that my intelligence and awareness will expand. I will accomplish an impression upon both the material world and the awareness that permeates all of humankind. I will live to experience literature, classical music, art, and the altered states of consciousness, which break down the boundaries of the dualism for understanding to occur. The path that will never end, the place which will always be here.

Pestilence of the mind, the drought of certitude, and the plague of scars will not stop me from this decision I must make. There will never be any growth without challenge. If the words do not leave, they will become the rancid meat that poisons my consciousness. There can never be any change without action. I can trust myself along the way because no one can hold my hand across a narrow bridge that will cross the dark canyon. I must create the other side like the features of the land which do not change. Roads that are built in time can be destroyed by such actions.

April 26, 1999

Fortunate enough to be given the voice that desperately wants the change. Awaken my brothers and sisters.

May 23, 1999

There are those of us who through genetics and our experiences in the world have become too "sensitive". What do I mean when I say sensitive? As crazy as it sounds I worry about you….I worry about the human race, the earth, the universe, the children, and the schools. When the change does not occur fast enough some of us will volunteer our lives, join cults, or be locked up in mental hospitals; others will find that this sensitivity begins to fade as time blunts the senses and tires the mind. I find myself in the latter category. I found that I could not change others and my environment as much as I wanted so I realized that I could change my own life. A life of service and self-actualization. A quote that I sometimes think about is: "Give me the power to change the things I can and to accept the things I can't". I love you all…and really want this thing to work for us.

The more we talk (communicate), the more we can understand what we have to do to make the change. Each of you wants things to change but does not know how. My advice. Do what makes you happy. Give up anything that you don't enjoy…. Its both profound and simple if you think about it…It’s the people you meet, the experiences that are shared, and the bliss that awaits you. This hedonistic philosophy of mine can be regulated by only one statement: Do what thou will but harm no one.

May 29, 1999

When I forget my convictions, Babylon is infecting, righteousness is forgotten, love is going, status is increasing, and money is on my mind. I am dying. It's time to put Bob and Ziggy Marley on the CD player.

"There is a train coming people so get on board….You don't need no ticket…Have pity on those whose chances grow thinner"- Ziggy Marley

Are you getting Ja message people? We need brother and sisterly love.

July 13, 1999

Then I got ready to enjoy this life. They eat each other out in the wild with the music on. This is the reality of existence, survival. Ideas frightening and fighting for the pyramid's eye. Paper and bomb armaments, marketing to your soul in the hopes that you make the right buy, and this is just getting interesting. Novelty is expanding your consciousness and intelligence, but what about your capacity for love.

What does it mean to be intelligent?

Does intelligence mean the ability to process information or the capacity of humanness you afford those you meet?

Give up your anger. Give up your love. Give up your feelings. Give up your life.

You want to forget the self.

You want to kill your mind (self).

You want to listen to them, when they tell you how to think.

You want to wear what they tell you to wear.

You want to buy what they want you to buy.

You want them to take responsibility.

You want to keep them from seeing you are weak.

You want to forget what I said.

August 3, 1999

A profound thought:

If video games constitute a reality for the individual, how will this virtual world effect their values?

If a person enjoys killing in a video game, how does this effect their values in the real world?

How can virtual worlds change people's schemas?

If the purpose of the game is to mimic reality as much as possible, how can it not effect a person psychologically?

August 6, 1999

1.8 million people are in prison in the United States-- CNN August 15, 1999

I am

Lonely cried

Abandoned on pavement

Guilt

Angst

Anger

Hate

Without redemption

Broken and eaten away

Here for you

September 12, 1999.

Please call me by my true name so that I can wake up.

Tear the masks off the shelves.

Please call me by my true name so that I can wake up.

Embrace the destruction of suffering

Please call me by my true name so that I can wake up.

And you were there holding my hand smiling.

October 18, 1999

I am waiting for the day when certain types of music will be no longer needed…out of control…the world is out of control…dirty water obscures the dots…. connect them…and you and I are scared about the future.

"At least if she goes to jail, she will learn a vocational skill" - 7^th Heaven

You have the write (right) to feel as you do. This is the trial of the mind or the dark night of the soul. You have the privilege of experiencing this because we have the resources to allow you to do so. Fight to live with the truth or sink in the emptiness of lies. So mote it be, thy will is done.

"I see the dead in their eyes, transforming the skies" - Rob Zombie

This is my therapy….this is how I get my feelings out….How dare you say my feelings are invalid…they hold up in my subjective experience. This is my love for the world, which we share. This is my consciousness, which I will not hide from those without compassion. So mote it be, let my will be done.

Less than fifty years ago….a country exterminated millions of human beings…If you are not concerned, I am sorry.

Shallow is the perfection in each of us that justifies the inspiration that the excesses of psychological warfare, which are the beginnings of the gross magnification of the isolation and injustice, we see. To find a place to hide and our hearts are faking in this hell.

Why the time jumps some of you might ask?

Because life is great! I am not overanalyzing the externally induced junk sickness. Let me tell you some of the things that are going down. As graduate school goes on, I am finding more friends who believe in the same things that I hold dear. I am developing meaningful relationships with those around me without the persistent feelings of alienation I usually feel. Even though there are those times when I wish we would help each other off with the mask. I am becoming an initiate of the O.T.O. otherwise known to some of you as the illuminati. Heady stuff I tell you, very psychological. I am going to concerts, enjoying my studies, having fun with friends, going to clubs, making money (which is energy that is being attracted to me because I am doing what I love), and expanding my consciousness in every which way. Taking a happiness trip this time. Watching the daises change colors without all those hang ups of the previous years. Getting tired of the wasted games by pulling the strings and smiling. I love you all and want all of you to get on the bus with me. Its hell, so work on yourselves. Its all right to over analyze, it thickens the ego(self)god(soul). I and I in this together.

January 27, 2000

As I look around me, more people are waking up to the fact that life is about getting high. When some of you make the distinction between what is typically thought of as a "high" on drugs with life, you will understand what getting high is about. Every part of your body is in awareness, a kaleidoscope of pleasure dripping from your cells and being. Pain is for the past and animals. Why should you choose suffering for your existence? What would it take to get you into the game called happiness? When are you going to get into the present? What has not worked for you up to today does not have to be your future. You have the power to choose.

The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou disirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not though the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not though the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes. - written by Bahaullah, Persian prophet

March 25, 2000

Bob Marley was a Prophet, and you did not hear it. The itiations are ever igh en you open thy self to di music. When are you oing to open your heart to the IRIE heights.

Timothy Leary is speaking to me in death through his life works. I have attuned myself to the fifth circuit of his model and am moving forward into illumination. The second time is the lifetime, when the blind folds have been removed. You know that it's been an illusion. Alice in Wonderland and the Matrix are a comparison.

Let's get transparent. Do you realize that the days of manners are over. People are telling the truth. They are being authentic in how they feel. You realized that when you lie to others, you are lying to yourself. Then we awoke together holding each other's hands. Do you remember? Can you remember what is true? That we are all one. Time does not exist. A construct of humankind. Are you going to take the white pill or the pink one?

April 16, 2000

Disobey all authority. RESIST! Learn to think for yourselves. Are you going to be one of the walking dead still hooked up to the matrix? Learn to live, give up your programming. This is an order from the authority of your higher self. Some people are protesting in the streets but don't go there. They only want to reprogram you with their emotional realities. Gather together a few of the people you love.

April 20, 2000

What one needs is sound common sense to take reasonable measures according to the physiological indications. One needs elasticity. It's simply spiritual socialism to tie oneself down to fixed doses whether one needs them or not. Nature is the best guide. We had got on to the game. ------ Aleister Crowley

Mail to: jaymaudib@yahoo.com