PERSPECTIVES

Title: Perspectives, 2/2
Author: Jaye (Copyright June 2004)
Codes: VOY C/Kellin (implied), C/7 (implied), J/C NC-17

Disclaimer: Star Trek and all related characters and concepts 
are the property of Paramount. No infringement is intended or 
profit made. This is NC-17 for adult themes, strong language 
and sexual situations. If you aren't interested (or aren't 
old enough), don't read it.

Archive: Not without my permission, so please ask first. Okay 
for Trekiverse and Chakotay!Fest. Please keep the text 
(especially the disclaimer) intact.

Feedback: Yes, please, especially suggestions for 
improvement. E-mail is reader8901@fastmail.fm

Summary: It all depends upon your point of view.

Note: Written for the 2004 Blue Alert Contest. First part set 
at the end of "Unforgettable", Parts 2 and 3 occur some time 
after "Endgame" and mentions events from "Star Trek: 
Nemesis".

***************

PART TWO (CONCLUSION)

Kathryn scooted into the seat in front of the Midas Array II 
commscreen. She was running late. It was mid-morning on the 
first anniversary of Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant, 
and of course the ship's former captain was in high demand.

Starfleet had "encouraged" her to make appearances on quite a 
few of the media outlets, to chat up the glamour and 
adventure of the journey. Despite the subtle rebukes she knew 
she would be getting from her fellow admirals, Kathryn had 
preferred not to sugarcoat things, giving as realistic a 
portrait of life in the Delta as she could.

There had also been ceremonies scheduled---the only one of 
which she truly wanted to attend was this afternoon's 
memorial for the fallen members of the crew.

All the events in the preceding days were overblown examples 
of Starfleet pomp and circumstance that she wished she'd been 
able to avoid.

Like some of the others managed to.

Not that she could blame B'Elanna, Tom and Chakotay. The PR 
folks had focused on building the legend of Kathryn Janeway 
from the moment Voyager charged through the wreckage of that 
last Borg sphere. The others didn't resent her for the 
overwhelming attention, but they also didn't like hanging 
around on the fringes of the spotlights.

She probably wouldn't see those three until the memorial, and 
the gala tomorrow that crewmembers still in Starfleet were 
"reminded" to attend.

The only people who were getting out of it were out of range. 
For the senior staff that meant Harry, off somewhere on the 
Enterprise, and Seven, on the Copernicus.

Kathryn had talked to Harry last week. She'd been thrilled 
for her former Ops officer when he'd gotten a long-overdue 
promotion to full lieutenant and a posting aboard the fleet 
flagship.

He seemed happy, despite missing his Voyager family. But they 
all kept in regular contact, and Harry was planning to spend 
a month on Earth soon.

Seven was not so easy to reach, but the Voyager folks rotated 
through chats with her via the second Midas Array every two 
weeks.

Kathryn was glad she'd be able to see Seven on the 
anniversary, since Seven as much as anyone had helped them 
survive to see home. She also wanted to check in with the 
younger woman. Two and a half months ago, the last time 
Kathryn's turn had come up, Seven had barely touched on 
personal matters, saying only that it was a "difficult 
transition".

She wasn't surprised. Chakotay had been having his own 
problems adjusting, but then he had his family and friends 
nearby for support. B'Elanna for one had been a great help.

Chakotay and B'Elanna had finally formalized their 
relationship by adopting each other as brother and sister. 
Chakotay had also been named one of Miral's guardians. Of 
course, the fact that B'Elanna often played "the uncle card" 
for baby-sitting services was just coincidence.

More surprising was the fact that Chakotay and Tom were now 
far better friends than they'd ever been in the Delta. They'd 
always had some things in common---B'Elanna, the 20th 
century, piloting---but their bond had become much deeper on 
Earth. B'Elanna had also been behind that stroke of 
brilliance by suggesting Chakotay help get Tom out of his 
funk over Harry's departure.

Both men had changed a great deal since their first clash on 
Voyager's bridge. Chakotay had mellowed and Tom had matured, 
and now the two often whiled away a few hours on "guy stuff" 
when B'Elanna wanted a break from marital bliss.

In fact, Chakotay had appropriated Tom for the last few days 
to check out a pet project of the older man's. Kathryn bet it 
had something to do with piloting. Tom didn't get to fly all 
that often anymore. Instead of staying in Starfleet as 
Kathryn would have predicted, Tom had become B'Elanna's 
partner in a ship-design firm. She handled the engines, he 
took care of the aerodynamics. Their success wasn't all that 
surprising, considering how long they'd been collaborating.

Tom still knew better than to push B'Elanna too far past the 
"p'tahq" stage, though. Fortunately for the state of his 
hide.

B'Elanna had settled into planetside life with apparent ease. 
She'd become more cautious since Miral's birth, insisting on 
testing innovations in a secure holodeck rather than winging 
it the way they had to on Voyager. And she'd confided to 
Kathryn how proud she'd been of Tom when he'd decided he 
couldn't risk his life playing test-pilot all the time now 
that he had a family to think of.

Kathryn was also looking forward to seeing the Doctor and 
Tuvok later today. The EMH had become the chief medical 
officer on Jupiter Station, in part to watch over his 
creator's fragile health. He was also continuing his crusade 
for holographic rights.

Her old friend had recovered from his neurological disorder, 
but had decided to stay on Vulcan and resign from Starfleet. 
Like many of the crew, he didn't want to leave his family 
again; it was only logical. He had taken a post training 
diplomatic staff for Vulcan embassies, and offering analyses 
of people and situations using his insight into other 
species.

Kathryn had an inkling Chakotay might also be doing the 
latter for Starfleet, unofficially. She'd recognized the 
style of a few reports with other admirals' names on them, 
the kind that are actually crafted anonymously by someone 
else.

She wondered if he'd been forbidden to discuss his work 
outside the classroom with her.

Chakotay. She almost sighed at thoughts of him. He'd been 
better the last few weeks, smiling at more than just Miral's 
antics. Kathryn had never needed to offer him a shoulder to 
cry on, but she had lent him a sympathetic ear a few times as 
he'd talked through his feelings about the breakup.

Those occasions had been rare, and, she thought, unplanned on 
his part. Most of the time they talked of other things.

They'd been spending a good deal of time together, visiting 
museums and restaurants, or just relaxing at his cottage or 
her apartment. She introduced him to her mother and sister, 
and she met his sister and cousin. And of course they visited 
with a lot of their old crewmates.

And as Chakotay came alive again, Kathryn found old feelings 
for him reawakening as well. But not exactly.

Chakotay wasn't the stoic, stalwart first officer anymore. 
Then again, she wasn't the anxious, sometimes angry captain 
either.

As Chakotay came to terms with losing Seven, his early 
brooding silences gradually gave way to animated discussion. 
The topics ranged without limit, and the free-form 
associations twisted and jumped conversational tracks to keep 
her on her toes. She found herself looking forward to their 
time together, far more than any of the dates with eligible 
bachelors she continued to go on.

Kathryn had also been glad to see his pain begin to 
dissipate. She enjoyed watching his dark eyes twinkle with 
mischief as he teased B'Elanna, or sparkle with mirth as he 
tried not to laugh at the latest "Voyager Vittles" Chell had 
whipped up at his Chicago bistro.

Kathryn found herself admiring his physique when he wore 
jeans to work in the garden, or when a trip to the beach 
called for shorts and a form-fitting tee. Or the way he 
looked in the sober new uniforms, not as bold as Voyager's 
version, but still suiting his coloring.

But mostly Kathryn basked in the way Chakotay had always had 
of focusing intently on whoever was speaking to him, of 
making them feel like they were the only person in the 
universe.

She began to wish to see something else in his gaze, an 
expression that she most closely associated with New Earth, 
and a tale that spoke of devotion and friendship, and---just 
possibly---love.

But those were idle fantasies she tried not to indulge. 
Sometimes it was simply wiser to let the past stay buried.

For though she'd never admit it aloud, some part of her 
wasn't really sure she could handle the thought of being 
compared to Seven. After all, Chakotay must have done that at 
some point before actually dating the younger woman, and 
obviously found Seven more desirable company.

Kathryn's thoughts were interrupted as the screen in front of 
her flared to life.

"Hello, Kathryn." Seven was looking better than she had the 
last time Kathryn contacted her; the circles were gone from 
under her eyes.

"Seven, it's good to see you." Kathryn examined her 
correspondent more closely. "You're looking well."

"Yes, my situation has been improving." She smiled softly. 
"Not quickly, but steadily, I have come to adapt."

"But are you thriving?" Kathryn asked.

"I believe so." Seven leaned forward slightly. "Have you been 
reading our reports?"

"Yes, it sounds like you have your hands full." The 
Copernicus had been meandering in its path to the edges of 
the Delta Quadrant, following up on sensor readings that had 
translated to some fascinating spatial anomalies. Kathryn was 
also glad to read how impressed Seven's new captain was with 
his astrometrics chief. It sounded like they'd already 
managed to build a solid working relationship.

The two women chatted for a few minutes about Seven's work 
and the mission. When Kathryn realized their session was 
almost over she said, "I'm glad I could talk with you today. 
I wanted to let you know you'll be missed at the gatherings."

Seven's expression softened. "I too wish I could be there to 
see everyone." She glanced down at her hands as a faint blush 
rose in her cheeks. "I do have plans to mark the occasion."

"Oh?" Kathryn's curiosity leapt to the fore. "How will you be 
celebrating?"

"It's not a celebration, per se. Roger---that is, Commander 
Stewart, the chief engineer---has been asking if I would 
relate some experiences from Voyager. I thought tonight would 
be an appropriate occasion." Seven looked a bit uncomfortable 
as she rushed through the end of the sentence.

Kathryn suddenly realized Seven wasn't entirely confident of 
Kathryn's reaction. "That sounds most appropriate." She 
frowned as a sudden thought crossed her mind. "Did you want 
me to not mention it to Chakotay?"

"No, that is, he already knows." Seven raised an eyebrow at 
Kathryn's surprised expression. "He and I spoke during the 
last contact via the Array."

"I didn't know." Kathryn also wondered why Chakotay failed to 
mention the meeting. Then again, he and Kathryn hadn't really 
had a chance to do more than wave in passing since she'd 
gotten swept up in anniversary plans.

"It was...awkward at first." Seven looked away a moment, then 
back. "But in a way it confirmed for me that I made the right 
decision."

Kathryn wanted to ask if Chakotay had reached the same 
conclusion.

"Kathryn," Seven's voice brought Kathryn back from her 
speculation. "There is something you should know. Before 
Chakotay and I...became intimate, he told me about his former 
loves. Both you and B'Elanna were on that list, as two people 
he'd have been happy to spend the rest of his life with, if 
the universe had been different."

Her eyes held Kathryn's as she said softly, "Now it is."

The screen went blank. Kathryn stayed for a while, staring at 
her reflection in the darkened surface.

Thinking about the past, the present...and the future.

************************************************************
************************************************************

Kathryn smoothed her skirt over her hips before walking into 
the ballroom. She would have felt much more comfortable in 
trousers, but she didn't think the admiralty would have 
appreciated her wearing a tuxedo to the gala.

Her thoughts were still whirling over Seven's revelation, 
which seemed to be tacit approval if Kathryn wanted to pursue 
a relationship with Chakotay. So she wasn't sure whether to 
be grateful or annoyed that both Chakotay and Tom had managed 
to avoid getting caught alone with her since they'd returned 
from their mysterious jaunt.

Something was up, she just knew it. Tom seemed to be 
practically dancing in place he was so excited, while 
Chakotay had that indrawn look that meant he was 
contemplating his options.

She probably wouldn't get one word out of them at this media 
circus, but there was a smaller room with a private garden 
that the crew and family were planning to retire to after the 
main event. There'd be no escaping her then.

Kathryn's shoulders straightened as she patted her hair one 
last time, flung open the doors and strode into the sea of 
colleagues, friends and photographers.

************************************************************

A silent groan accompanied Kathryn's surreptitious slipping 
off of her shoes. She'd forgotten how uncomfortable high 
heels were, since she'd finally switched to flatter-soled 
boots when she made admiral.

At the time she'd been grateful that no one---particularly an 
amused and *tall* former first officer of hers---had pointed 
out the irony that she was finally wearing sensible shoes 
when she no longer needed to be running after or away from 
hostile aliens every few weeks.

She leaned back in her chair with a sigh, admiring the 
softly-lit garden. Her former crew and their loved ones were 
arrayed in small clumps, catching up, reminiscing...renewing 
the bonds that had gotten them through seven long years 
alone.

The ones who were absent---to off-world assignments, or 
faraway homes, or worst, permanently lost to death---were 
remembered, and missed, and mourned by those they had left 
behind.

It was a bittersweet event, this private celebration, as it 
should be.

"It's hard to believe it's been eight years," Chakotay said 
softly as he sat down next to her, "it seems like just 
yesterday I was keeping B'Elanna from kicking your ass."

Kathryn gave him a sidelong glance. "And just what makes you 
so sure I would have been on the receiving end? I'll have you 
know a pissed-off half-Klingon Maquis is no match for a 
stressed-out Starfleet captain."

Chakotay chuckled. "Especially a caffeine-deprived one?"

"Damn straight." Kathryn kept watching him from the corner of 
her eye, determined not to turn and ogle Chakotay full on. He 
cut a dashing figure in his traditional tux, and she'd 
noticed quite a few appreciative glances being shot his way 
at the official party. She'd been hard-pressed to remind 
herself that she shouldn't whip out her patented death-glare-
--after all, she and Chakotay were just frieends.

And she wasn't yet certain she should try to alter the status 
quo.

She took advantage of Tom and B'Elanna's arrival to shift her 
chair. She picked up the drink they'd brought her and took a 
sip before setting it aside. She leaned her elbows on the 
table, propping her chin in her folded hands. "All right, out 
with it. What have you two been up to?"

Sets of blond and black eyebrows rose. Tom glanced at 
Chakotay, who shrugged and waved his hand as if to say "Go 
ahead".

Tom leaned back with a Cheshire-cat grin. "Well, let's just 
say we picked the wrong people to finish 'Insurrection 
Alpha'."

"*What*?" B'Elanna's eyes narrowed. "You two spent the last 
few days writing *holoprograms*?"

"No," Tom shook his head, "I've just been living in them. 
B'El, these things are *incredible*. You can play any 
character in the scenario, and it's not just different based 
on the choices you make each time. The plotlines for *each 
character* are unique. Each program is a whole self-contained 
universe, and you get to try out dozens of unique 
lifestyles."

Tom's eyes were wide. "You could buy one program and spend a 
year exploring it. This is *way* beyond Captain Proton, or 
even Fair Haven, or anything else I've ever seen." His 
expression suddenly turned sly, "And Chakotay is about to 
become the most famous holoprogrammer in the quadrant."

"No, I'm not," Chakotay said quietly. "The authorship is 
going to remain confidential." Kathryn could see he was 
uncomfortable with Tom's praise as he continued, "I don't 
want people to see me as the Doc's competition. I 
deliberately tried to make the programs as different from his 
as possible."

"And why was Tom the only one you showed them to?" B'Elanna's 
question interested Kathryn as well. She felt a little hurt 
that Chakotay had kept his project a secret from his two 
dearest friends.

One of Chakotay's hands crept up to loosen his bow tie and 
collar. He cleared his throat, looked away, then muttered, 
"Because Tom's an easier audience."

"Excuse me?" Kathryn sank back in her chair, stunned. 
B'Elanna's expression was the same.

"You know what I mean, Kathryn." Chakotay's hands spread. 
"Tom just likes to play. He doesn't mind if he gets punched, 
drenched, dumped, or anything else as long as he can stay in 
the game. You and B'Elanna, well, let's just say that these 
are rough drafts and Tom is better at roughing it."

He shrugged. "Besides, he *is* one of the best 
holoprogrammers I know, and I wanted an honest assessment of 
the coding."

"They're really that good?" B'Elanna didn't look quite 
convinced. "No offense old man, but a storyteller and a 
holoprogrammer are two very different things."

"Not really," Kathryn commented. She glanced at Chakotay, "A 
holoprogrammer is just an author who crafts his universes in 
photons rather than words."

"Exactly." Tom nodded. "Honestly I thought the one set on a 
space cruiser could be used by Academy cadets. It covered 
covert ops, equipment failure, first contacts, a mutiny...all 
within a very different framework from the Federation. The 
aliens even have their own languages and forms of writing---I 
stole an alien shuttle, but when I had to guess at their 
navigation controls I ended up engaging the lasers and blew a 
hole in my own ship."

They all chuckled over that. Then Kathryn reached out to 
hesitantly touch Chakotay's hand, a bit anxious about the 
answer to her question. "But what made you decide to take up 
a new career?"

"It's not so much a career change as insurance," Chakotay 
admitted. "I, uh, wanted to be financially secure."

"You're going to be more than secure, you're going to be 
swimming in latinum, trust me on this," Tom said, then 
grinned mischievously. "And I know the perfect investment for 
all that filthy lucre. A little design firm headed by the 
*nicest* couple you'll ever meet..."

Chakotay ignored the bait. Kathryn tensed as he glanced at 
her uncertainly before saying softly, "I'm thinking of 
writing a book on the DMZ, and I'm pretty sure the admiralty 
is not going to like what I have to say."

Kathryn gasped. She was fairly sure Chakotay's impression was 
correct, but... "You don't really think they'd take 
disciplinary action, do you?"

"I don't know, but I figure better safe than sorry." He 
sighed. "I'll be putting in a formal request for interviews 
and access to Starfleet memoranda and other materials; I 
guess I'll find out then what the fallout will be."

"Well, you're always welcome to join our firm---" The twinkle 
in B'Elanna's eyes betrayed her attempt to lighten the mood. 
"---just not as a pilot. We can't afford to keep replacing 
our ships."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," Chakotay said dryly as the 
others laughed.

Kathryn let the conversation continue around her as she 
considered Chakotay's plans. She didn't doubt Tom's 
assessments of his former superior's work; Chakotay had the 
eye for detail so necessary in an XO, and his narrative 
talents were well-documented.

Did it matter to her if Chakotay left Starfleet? Or worse, 
that he probably wouldn't mince words when pointing out the 
Federation's missteps in dealing with the Cardassians, and 
later the Dominion? After all, she'd served Starfleet all of 
her adult life.

Yet, she couldn't deny that mistakes were made on all sides, 
and the Federation had more than their share. And despite 
Chakotay's Maquis convictions, Kathryn knew he'd be as 
objective as possible in telling the tale of the DMZ.

Of course, in her heart of hearts Kathryn knew she really 
didn't give a damn what Chakotay did with his life, as long 
as he spent that life with her.

That realization first came as a shock to Kathryn, but 
somehow it simply settled into her consciousness with a sense 
of rightness that couldn't be denied.

Funny how some things sneak up on you even when you half-
expect it.

A puff of hot breath next to her ear was the only warning she 
was being hailed. "Earth to Admiral Janeway, come in 
Janeway."

Kathryn leaned back, flustered by Chakotay's nearness. 
"Sorry, I was a million miles away." Not really, but she was 
still formulating a plan of action involving the man sitting 
next to her, searching her face with worried brown eyes.

"We lost you for a while there." He indicated the empty 
chairs. "Tom and B'Elanna decided to test out the dance 
floor."

Making one of the split-second decisions that had made her 
famous in two quadrants, Kathryn jumped to her feet. "Sounds 
like a good idea."

"Do you want your shoes?" Chakotay asked. She almost laughed 
at his dubious expression as he considered her bare feet.

"No, thank you," she replied, grabbing his hand and tugging. 
"I trust you."

"At least I know the Doc's still here," he said as he very 
carefully maneuvered into position.

***************

Kathryn let herself drift with the music, easily following 
his lead, touched that he was carefully sliding into his 
steps so as not to accidentally crush her vulnerable toes. 
She also was fighting the urge to sink further into his 
embrace. "I talked to Seven today," she said casually.

"Oh?" The reply was equally off-hand; Kathryn couldn't tell 
if it was an act, or genuine lack of particular interest. 
Chakotay's carefully neutral next question didn't provide any 
clues. "And did you wish her a happy anniversary?"

"Not in so many words," she admitted, leaning back slightly 
to watch Chakotay's face. "But I did tell her she would be 
missed."

His smile was wistful. "That's true enough; it doesn't seem 
quite right without having her and Harry and the rest here."

They danced a few minutes in silence, then Chakotay said, 
"Seven told me she was thinking of having dinner with the 
Copernicus's chief engineer...Stewart, I think."

"Yes, she mentioned it to me, too." Kathryn studied his eyes, 
looking for a return of shadows. "How do you feel about 
that?"

"Okay...I think." Chakotay's shoulders moved in a slight 
shrug. "It's not like I have any say in the matter...but it 
didn't bother me as much as I expected. I told her to move 
forward, without regrets. And I actually meant it."

He chuckled. "But don't tell B'Elanna that. She's been 
champing at the bit to play matchmaker. She's trying to fix 
me up with one of her staff. Maybe more than one---I keep 
ducking out before I hear their names."

Kathryn's pulse sped up, but she kept her voice steady as 
trepidation and anticipation raced through her veins. "And 
are you ready to start dating again?"

"Not quite---but soon." Chakotay smiled down at her. "I may 
be starting a new chapter in my life, so a new love seems 
appropriate."

"Chakotay, when you *are* ready, give me a call." There, she 
said it. And she managed to keep her eyes up and blush down. 
Quite an accomplishment when your heart's trying to beat its 
way out of your chest.

"What, you have somebody you want me to date as well?" 
Chakotay's tilted head and puzzled expression told Kathryn 
that he really had no inkling of the changes her feelings had 
undergone.

"Yes..." She took a fortifying breath. "Me."

The blank surprise might have been laughable if Kathryn 
weren't so terrified. "You," was all he said as he stopped on 
the edge of the dance floor.

"Yes," Kathryn repeated, worry rising. "Surely it's not 
*that* much of a shock." She tried a grin. "You're quite the 
catch, Captain Chakotay."

The smile faltered as he simply kept staring at her. Finally 
he let her go, turned and walked down one of the garden 
paths.

Kathryn took a step after him, but then winced at the sight 
of the stones lining the walkway. She hurried over to the 
table, slipped on her shoes, and followed.

***************

He hadn't gone far, but she'd almost passed him when he said 
softly, "Over here."

His voice led her off the path, around a hedge. Someone had 
created a hidden bower; Chakotay was standing at the edge of 
the grass, gazing at a night-blooming flower, its scent heavy 
in the air.

Kathryn stepped up to his side, laying a hand on one of his 
crossed arms. She could feel his tension. "Talk to me, 
Chakotay."

"I don't know if I can do this again," he said, the words 
staccato-sharp. Then he sighed and seemed to will himself to 
relax. "I've always tried to look forward, Kathryn, to accept 
what I can't change and move on without regrets. Our time 
passed long ago. This feels like a step back to me."

He turned, and in the faint light Kathryn could see his 
confusion. "I don't understand. After all these years, why 
now?"

"Because the universe has changed, Chakotay." Kathryn rested 
her other hand beside the first, lightly grasping his 
forearms. "We're not moving backward because this isn't New 
Earth, and we've both traveled a long hard road since those 
days. I'm not the same person, and neither are you. But I 
would like to know better the man you've become, and have you 
come to know me."

Her grip tightened; in frustration or desperation, she 
refused to consider. "I'm not trying to rekindle something 
that was lost years ago. I want a relationship with you in 
the present, right here, right now."

He moved away, then whirled to face her. "And what about the 
future? I'm not Mark, Kathryn. I won't be content to be your 
shore-leave boyfriend and dog-sitter when you're off 
gallivanting about the universe. The Voyager scientific 
assessment won't last forever. What are you planning to do?"

"I don't know," Kathryn admitted. "Whatever's needed, I 
suppose. But I can tell you that seven years in the Delta 
satisfied my wanderlust."

"For now," Chakotay retorted.

"Yes! For now," Kathryn decided to go on the offensive. 
"Maybe you're right, next year I could get bored with seeing 
the same stars every evening, or there could be a ship and 
mission that are so incredible I won't want to resist."

She approached him slowly, hoping he couldn't see the tears 
in her eyes. She could sense she was losing him, and didn't 
understand why. "But that doesn't mean I would just up and 
leave, Chakotay. You know me better than that."

Kathryn had reached him now, and once more laid a hand on his 
arm. "You know me better than that," she repeated, then 
lifted her head to hold his gaze. "So what are you really 
afraid of?" She swallowed as she watched his expression 
soften, and felt his hand rest upon her own.

"I don't know whether I'm cursed or blessed to always be 
attracted to strong women," Chakotay mused. He seemed to be 
looking into the past. "Sveta, Seska, you, Riley, Valerie, 
Seven...even B'Elanna in a way, and probably Kellin. But I 
have to wonder, if things never work out because I need more 
from a relationship than they do."

Chakotay admitted, "I'm not sure I want to take the risk 
again. I've always been at a disadvantage with you, Kathryn. 
On Voyager's bridge because you had a higher rank..." He 
paused. "...and personally because I've always believed that 
any feelings you had for me were a luxury, not a necessity. 
That you would never love me as much as I loved you because 
you didn't have anything to lose."

The words hung in the air, then faded.

Kathryn didn't know what to say. She couldn't deny that from 
Chakotay's point of view, she'd easily set him aside over the 
years as a potential lover, as a friend, and even as a 
colleague.

But he didn't know what it had cost her. Just as she could 
never know the price he paid for staying by her side, 
supporting her even when she rejected him on every level.

Keeping a promise he'd made once upon a time on a planet far, 
far away.

"Chakotay, I'm not sure what to tell you." She looked away a 
moment, trying to gather her thoughts. "You're right, on 
Voyager everything took a backseat to getting us home. 
Including my personal life."

Her voice saddened as she recalled how lonely she'd felt 
sometimes in those seven long years. "And I guess it did seem 
I didn't need you, or anyone, really. But not because I was 
strong enough to stand alone." She looked up at him. "But 
because I was so afraid not to."

Kathryn wanted to break their stare, take back her 
confession, but Chakotay's soft gaze silently encouraged her 
to continue. "Sometimes it felt as though I had no one in the 
universe to talk to, who could understand just what it was 
like to be captain of a ship so far from home."

She smiled slightly in gratitude when Chakotay didn't offer a 
protest. He seemed to understand that whether or not what she 
said was actually true, she had *felt* it was. That was all 
that mattered. "And there were times I got so tired...I just 
wanted to curl up and hide, or fly away somewhere I didn't 
have to see day after day the faces of the people who 
depended on me...and the ghosts of those I had failed."

She straightened her shoulders. "But that is the past. 
Chakotay, I grieved when I lost your love." Her voice firmed 
with her conviction. "And if you're willing to take the risk, 
I'll do my best not to take you for granted again."

She could feel her heart beating the seconds, marking the 
minutes as they simply stared at each other. Her throat 
closed with the thought that he might just walk away. She 
knew she'd get over this---Chakotay was right, she *was* a 
strong woman---but honestly, she didn't want to try.

Because she had an inkling that she was wrong about life on 
Voyager. That maybe, here and now, she was going to discover 
all that she could be.

Kathryn felt the tension leave her completely when Chakotay 
finally smiled and leaned down to nuzzle her cheek with his. 
"So," he asked teasingly, "you're sure you want to take on a 
probably-soon-to-be-ex-Starfleet officer? It could be a while 
before the funds start coming in from the holoprograms, and I 
have expensive tastes."

Her heart lifted at his playful tone. He trusted her enough 
to know that she'd already considered the career 
ramifications of their relationship. "If you're to be a kept 
man, Chakotay, I want to be the one who keeps you."

"Then I'm willing to try, Kathryn." When he lifted his head 
she drew a breath in anticipation of their first kiss, but 
instead he dropped a light peck on her forehead, and then 
lifted her hands to brush his lips lightly across the 
knuckles. "But we take it *slow*."

Kathryn gave a frustrated snort that was half laughter, as 
Chakotay grabbed her hand to lead her back to the party. He 
was going to tease her unmercifully, she just knew it.

Of course, he probably hadn't accounted for the fact that she 
was more than ready for his games. But the sharp swat on a 
very fine tuxedo-clad behind probably put him in the loop.

His grin back at her promised revenge.

She couldn't wait.

************************************************************
************************************************************

Kathryn sighed in relief as she stepped through the door to 
Chakotay's cottage, the bad mood brought on by having her 
lunch meeting dragging into a dinner meeting sliding from her 
like a cloak.

The last six months had been an adventure. She and Chakotay 
*had* gone slowly, officially dating for four months, one 
week, six days and twenty hours before they actually made 
love.

Not to say the journey wasn't completely enjoyable. She'd 
never had so much fun getting to first base...and 
second...and third. Or even just spending time together.

In one sense they'd continued much as they had before, taking 
trips to visit places of interest or old crewmates, meeting 
for meals before or after work, just relaxing on one or the 
other's couches.

But there was a new closeness, an intimacy that was expressed 
in soft touches and speaking looks. Kathryn often took 
Chakotay with her when she visited her mother in Indiana; 
they would then make the hop to Ohio to see his sister and 
cousin.

They'd had a few arguments. Some about the past---there were 
lingering hard feelings on both sides that it actually felt 
good to resolve. But mostly they had sniped at each other 
during Chakotay's dust-up with Starfleet. The admiral in 
charge of PR had taken one look at Chakotay's book proposal 
and issued an ultimatum: scrap the idea or consider his 
career over. So he walked, confident that the holoprograms 
would provide a steady enough income to cover him until the 
book's publication.

Of course, once the news of Chakotay's departure hit the 
Academy---and those admirals who'd been availing themselves 
of a little tactical briefing on the side---the proverbial 
shit hit the fan. Three days after his dismissal Chakotay was 
getting calls about "forgetting that little 
misunderstanding".

Chakotay had had a tense few days, debating whether to cut 
his losses or go back. Kathryn had tried to offer support 
without too much pushing---she knew he loved teaching, and 
she didn't want to see him lose out because of his stubborn 
streak.

Eventually he'd offered to return on his own terms, and 
Starfleet accepted them.

Otherwise, Kathryn and Chakotay were just dealing with the 
usual bumps of a developing relationship: likes, dislikes, 
quirks, pet peeves, where to go, what to do, when to spend 
time apart, etc.

And Kathryn walked around with a smile on her face and joy in 
her heart. And the man she loved often on her mind.

She continued to muse over her good fortune as she dropped 
her bag on the armchair by the door. She bent over, bracing 
one hand on the back, to unfasten and slip off her boots.

As she straightened she suddenly felt a hand sliding through 
her hair, loosening it from the bun she'd taken to wearing 
once more. She smiled as she glanced over her shoulder. "You 
really hate that thing, don't you?"

"It seems worse than before," Chakotay agreed as he continued 
smoothing the strands. "Now it makes you look...matronly."

She turned and placed her hands on her hips. One eyebrow rose 
and she tried to glare at him while struggling not to laugh. 
"*Matronly*?"

"Mmmhmm," he said absently as tucked a dangling strand of 
hair behind her ear. "Nothing like the sexy lady I know lives 
under the uniform."

Kathryn's incipient grin turned into a tender smile. She'd 
been hesitant the first time they'd been naked, painfully 
aware she was not quite so...perfect or perky...as she'd been 
in her youth.

And that Chakotay's last relationship had been with someone 
at least a decade younger than herself.

But she never saw anything except love and desire in his 
eyes.

"I love you," Kathryn said as wrapped her arms around 
Chakotay's neck, stretching into a kiss. Her senses swam as 
they always did, Chakotay's scent and warmth surrounding her 
as much as his embrace. She shivered as his lips traveled oh 
so slowly across hers, to return with a wily tongue that 
outlined her mouth, seeking entrance.

She yielded with a moan, felt his tongue tangle with hers, 
his arms tighten around her. Her fingers slid into his hair, 
holding him close.

It was so easy to lose track of time, to spend minutes just 
kissing, caressing, sharing breath, renewing their 
connection.

Chakotay's sigh brushed cool against her tingling lips as 
they parted. She opened her eyes to the sight of him smiling 
down at her. "Hello there," he said softly.

"Hello yourself," she murmured as she smiled back, one hand 
lifting to touch his cheek, thumb brushing a dimple.

His fingers tightened slightly on her shoulders, gauging 
their tension. "Still dealing with the fallout from the 
Romulans?"

"Yes." She grimaced. "I'm having a hard time accepting that 
we're just going to leave the entire Reman people as slaves 
in those horrible mines."

"So the restored leadership isn't interested in anything the 
Federation has to say?" Chakotay asked as they walked to the 
couch.

Kathryn settled down into the cushions, half-leaning on her 
lover, his arm secure around her shoulders, calming herself 
to the rise and fall of his breath. "They just gave us the 
equivalent of 'Mind your own business' and cut off 
communications entirely."

"It never seems to change, does it?" After a pause Chakotay 
confessed, "Sometimes I hate the Prime Directive. You see so 
many people who need help, and your hands are tied because 
they're just over some invisible line." He sighed. "And you 
can only hope that the principle is worth their suffering."

Kathryn nodded in silent agreement, her forehead brushing the 
side of his neck. "It's days like this that make me think 
about retirement."

Chakotay tightened his arm around her. "I know you haven't 
been happy, Kathryn."

She looked up, startled, but said nothing.

Dark eyes held her own. "It's been clear to me for a while 
that you're just going through the motions at work. Your 
heart hasn't been in it since Voyager was put out to 
pasture."

"Don't you mean put in dry dock to begin transformation into 
a museum?" Kathryn asked sharply, but it was merely a 
diversionary tactic.

"Whatever. The point is, you're unhappy." He studied her 
face, and she could sense his worry. "Do you want to go back 
into space?"

So he was concerned that her need to explore might have 
reasserted itself, as he'd predicted months ago, at Voyager's 
anniversary.

For just a moment Kathryn was tempted to say yes, to test his 
devotion and see if he would follow her once more. To have 
some verifiable, quantifiable means of proving *she* was the 
love of Chakotay's life.

Not because she was uncertain of her place in his heart, but 
because some part of her wanted to know he would make that 
sacrifice for her happiness.

But it wasn't worth the hint of uncertainty she could see in 
his eyes, the suspicion that maybe there was a ship or 
mission that she couldn't resist and she didn't really need 
him after all.

So she simply told the truth. "No, right here, with you, is 
where I want to be."

"I'll take your word on that," he murmured, his eyes 
clearing. She smiled happily to herself as she snuggled back 
into him. That trust---especially after he'd had so many 
disappointments in his life---was one of his most precious 
gifts to her.

Kathryn felt him drop a kiss on the top of her head. "And I 
have a suggestion about Starfleet," he mentioned idly.

"Oh?" Her eyes narrowed as she sat up again; he had that 
crafty look on his face that he'd only acquired since he 
started spending more time with Tom. "And just what have you 
been plotting?"

"Nothing," he protested.

His wide-eyed innocence wasn't convincing, but it was darn 
appealing. She restrained herself from kissing him again 
until she knew what he was up to. "Out with it."

"You know I'm going to cut down on my classes next semester 
to do more work on the book." He waited for her nod, then 
continued, "I thought you might pick up the DQ lecture and 
first-contact seminars."

"And why would I want to do that?" Kathryn asked dryly, 
knowing the catch was coming but not sure what form it would 
take.

"Well, it just so happens that Nikei Ristal is going to start 
considering candidates to replace him as chief of Starfleet's 
research division. If you wanted to, you could probably spend 
some of your free time on campus poking into the 
labs...decide if you'd like to throw your hat into the ring," 
Chakotay said with a nonchalant air.

"Without being distracted by another long-distance situation 
I can do absolutely nothing about," Kathryn said as she 
nodded slowly. She was already superficially acquainted with 
a lot of the projects Ristal was overseeing; she'd been 
keeping up with all of the science reports coming through the 
admiralty.

"I'll definitely have to consider it, despite the fact that 
you're really just trying to manipulate me into taking over 
your workload." A sudden thought tilted her head. "Just how 
do you know Ristal's thinking of retiring? There hasn't been 
a peep on the office grapevine."

"Trade secret," Chakotay said with an enigmatic look that 
soon turned smoldering. "So what do you say to an early 
night?"

She wrapped her arms around his neck once more, leaning in to 
nip at his lower lip. "I have a feeling I'll like all your 
ideas this evening. Tell me more."

"I'd rather show you." With that, he swept her up in his arms 
and carried her off to their bedroom.

***************

Kathryn sucked and licked at Chakotay's neck, feeling his 
groan reverberate against her until he swung her to her feet.

They just stared at each other a moment in the soft light of 
the lamps.

Then Kathryn reached up as Chakotay leaned down and they were 
kissing again, all heat and spice. Her nipples sprang 
achingly erect as her sex softened and warmed, her juices 
beginning to flow in anticipation.

Kathryn shuddered, her skin tightening even more as 
Chakotay's hands moved to rest against her throat. Fingertips 
teased her nape, while the palms stroked the sides of her 
neck. Slight calluses---a hint of roughness in contrast to 
the gentle touch---made her moan, her exhalation captured by 
his mouth.

He caught her lower lip between his teeth. A delicate bite 
made her arch into him for more. His tongue slipped back 
inside, teasing hers. When his retreated hers followed, and 
she shivered again as he sucked on the welcome invader into 
his domain.

They were both panting when she pulled away to kiss and nip 
along his jaw and down his neck. She lapped at the hint of 
sweat pooled in the hollow, savoring the salt taste.

She felt his fingers gliding along her torso, unfastening her 
uniform jacket. She reluctantly stepped back to let the 
sleeves slide down her arms. His hands covered her chest, 
palms pressing and rubbing her nipples through the remaining 
layers. She gasped and closed her hands around his shoulders.

But the heat she could sense underneath the thin cloth of his 
shirt soon beckoned her. Her fingers curled as she ran them 
down the center of his chest, opening buttons as she went. 
The cloth parted and her hands slid inside to rediscover the 
smooth tawny expanse she often used as a pillow.

Kathryn lifted her head to watch Chakotay's face as she 
explored, her nails running lightly over his ribs, thumbs 
reaching to flick at his nipples. His mouth was slightly 
open, quick breaths hitching when she teased sensitive skin. 
His eyes were dilated almost black, searing as they stared 
into hers.

She slid her hands higher to measure the breadth of his 
shoulders, pushing the shirt away to bare Chakotay to the 
waist. She was acutely aware of his strength, male, primal. 
He was hard, dense muscle and bone, but his skin was soft 
under her fingers and he too shivered under her touch.

Then his own hands were caressing up her sides, pulling off 
the Starfleet turtleneck. She lifted her arms, glad to be 
free of its confines. She almost chuckled at the touch of 
mischief in his grin as he used the return journey to slide 
the straps of her bra down her arms. Somehow he also managed 
to undo the clasp without her noticing, so by the time her 
arms were back down at her sides she was as bare as him.

The sight of his hands---long and broad and golden-brown---
against her pale flesh made her gasp and clutch at his 
wrists. He leaned in to kiss her once more and Kathryn opened 
to him. His fingers stroking her breasts and plucking at her 
nipples while his mouth feasted on hers sent her senses 
spiraling into a haze of desire. Her own hands slid up to 
grip his biceps, holding on.

As Chakotay lifted his lips from hers she opened her eyes. He 
continued to fondle her as she felt his mouth blaze a trail 
against her skin, along her cheek, behind her ear and slowly, 
so slowly, down her throat.

Her hands slid along his shoulders and up his neck to tangle 
in his hair. The soft strands slid through her fingers, one 
thumb tenderly stroking across his tattoo.

Kathryn felt his hands move to span her waist as his mouth 
finally reached her right breast. He delicately licked at the 
underside, barely brushing the engorged tip. She groaned as 
her fingers tightened in his hair as she tried to move him 
where she wanted him to be.

He ignored the message. Instead, he surprised her by pulling 
back, much to her dismay. But then he swiftly undid her 
trousers, pushing them and her underwear to the floor.

She wasn't quite sure how he did it, but he managed to get 
all of her clothes off---including her socks---before she 
even blinked. Next thing she knew she being turned and 
pressed into the bed.

Kathryn stared up at Chakotay's face as he leaned over her a 
moment, his elbows braced on either side of her. She opened 
her legs to cradle his hips, the cloth of his trousers a 
delicious friction against her inner thighs and wet sex.

The predatory look in his eyes made her moan softly. The next 
sound was much louder as he dipped his head to suckle at her 
breast. Her skin was bathed in hot breath, surrounded by lips 
and teeth and tongue that caressed and nipped and pulled and 
lapped until all of her focus was on that single point of 
sharp pleasure.

Then she gasped at the sudden shock of air against her 
abandoned breast as he slid over to treat its twin with the 
same loving attention.

Kathryn barely realized she was running her hands over his 
skin, offering what pleasure she could until her brain could 
remember how to function. She seemed a creature of instinct, 
a wanton who spread her legs wider and arched up into him, 
seeking more contact with her mate.

She was acutely aware of him moving slowly down her body, 
hands exploring her curves, mouth laving her flesh. He nipped 
her low on her navel, just above her mound, startling a soft 
scream from her lips.

He lifted his head, and the gleam in his eyes told her she 
was in trouble of the most wickedly delightful kind.

It was the most natural thing in the world to succumb wholly 
to passion, to simply entrust herself to his care.

Kathryn couldn't help shivering and arching once more as she 
felt his nose brush against her curls, nuzzling her, taking 
his time. His hands grasped her hips, and she trembled as his 
thumbs stroked the sensitive creases at the tops of her 
thighs.

She could feel the moisture inside increasing, gathering, and 
she made a low noise in her throat that didn't sound quite 
human.

His answering growl vibrated against her nether lips. She 
gasped, and at that instant felt his tongue press against her 
inner walls.

She was dizzy, all the blood rushing down to the juncture of 
her thighs. She moaned continuously, sparks leaping along 
nerves teased and tantalized by Chakotay's mouth. He sucked 
and lapped, swallowing her juices as her body kept providing 
more.

Her body began to writhe in his grip, as she tried to urge 
him higher. Her clit was almost painfully aroused, pulsing, 
ready for the touch that would send her over the edge.

But Chakotay wasn't finished. He gently but firmly held her 
down and open as he continued to explore her depths, until 
her hands were twisted in the sheets, her body shaking, 
tension winding her tighter and tighter until...

She screamed. Loud and long as his lips suddenly sucking and 
pulling on her clit sent her rocketing into ecstasy. She was 
barely aware of her hips bucking into his mouth, her thighs 
clamping, her body arching off the bed.

All she knew was the white-hot blankness of completion.

She fell back against the mattress, breath heaving, covered 
in sweat. And opened her eyes to a sight that made her groan. 
Chakotay was standing beside the bed watching her as he 
slipped off the rest of his clothes.

Chakotay was magnificent, her lover, her beloved. He was trim 
and taut, muscled but gracefully so. His body was smooth and 
strong, broad shoulders and chest angling into a trim waist 
and hips, powerful legs, only a hint of the curve of one very 
fine ass available to view.

He was fully erect, dusky cock a length and thickness that 
always made her mouth water with thoughts of the bittersweet-
salt taste of his cum. Fine dark hairs were sprinkled just 
around his cock and balls, the rest of his body a sleek 
bronze.

Sweat gleamed against his skin, highlighting the flow of 
muscle even when he was standing still.

Kathryn bet she didn't look quite so...unrumpled. She was 
sure her makeup was smudged and her hair a hopeless tangle, 
her limbs sprawled in careless disarray.

And yet, she didn't move to fix her hair or hide her body. 
Because Chakotay was staring at her, chest heaving, his cock 
dripping with evidence of his arousal.

He wanted her. Lust and love and possession and need all 
tangled up in his heated gaze.

And she wanted him. They had the deep feelings, the 
tenderness, the love. But right here, right now, she wanted 
the pure animal passion. To claim and be claimed in the age-
old dance of mating.

So she spread her thighs and tipped up her hips, showing 
Chakotay what she wanted. What was his to take.

She shuddered; his eyes on her were as arousing as a touch, 
sparking her desire once more, moisture once again flooding 
her achingly empty sheath.

She lifted her arms to him and groaned his name.

And in an instant he was there, filling her. His tongue 
ravishing her mouth while his hot hard length plunged into 
her to the hilt. She gave a short cry of welcome and lifted 
her legs, wrapping them high around his back, wanting him as 
deep as possible.

They were moving together in a rhythm pounded out in the 
sounds of their slapping flesh. Her nails dug into his 
shoulders, and she felt one of his hands tugging on her hair 
to bend her head back.

Grunts sounded in her ear and puffed against her skin as 
Chakotay's mouth slid open and hot against her skin. His 
other arm wrapped around her back, lifting her to him. He was 
surrounding her, consuming her, and when his lips returned to 
hers she matched his passion, thrusting her tongue into his 
mouth each time he speared her flesh, her nails raking down 
his back.

Sweat beaded and dripped down their bodies, the patterns 
constantly shifting with the slide and press of hands.

It was too much, too hot to last. Kathryn hunched upward just 
as Chakotay shifted his angle. His pelvis pounded into hers, 
slamming against her mound.

Her orgasm shocked through her, robbing her of breath. 
Through the roar of blood in her ears she heard him shout her 
name, through the shuddering of her body felt his cock 
against her spasming walls, felt the heat of his seed flood 
her.

She was sated. And complete.

************************************************************

The water caressed the tops of her breasts as Kathryn sighed 
and settled deeper into Chakotay's embrace, her back to his 
chest, his legs on either side of hers. This was the second 
bathtub he'd built for her, but this time it was indoors, 
connected to their bedroom.

Still, the ceiling was transparent (at least from inside), so 
she could stare at the stars while she bathed. It was ironic: 
when she was a child, lying on her back in an Indiana field, 
she would stare at these same stars and desperately want to 
be among them.

But decades later, she knew that she belonged exactly where 
she was. There were other challenges in her life now, other 
types of exploration, and other joys.

Funny how things change. If a time-traveler told that young 
Kathryn Janeway that someday she'd be staring up at Earth's 
stars, utterly content, she'd have laughed in their face.

But the woman she'd become, who'd traveled such a hard and 
long road to find home again, saw things very differently. 
The universe had indeed changed.

Or maybe, just the way she looked at it.

Kathryn smiled and slid her hands over Chakotay's encircling 
arms. She knew in her heart of hearts she had made the right 
choice. "I love this view," she said quietly.

She felt a kiss on her temple. "I love you," Chakotay 
replied. "How about you marry me and move in here so we can 
share this view all the time?"

Kathryn turned in the bath, careful not to slosh water over 
the rim. "Are you sure, Chakotay?" She wanted to promise that 
she wouldn't want to leave Earth again, or that they'd always 
be together, or that she wouldn't forget her earlier vow not 
to take him for granted.

But she knew better. So did he. Life just doesn't come with 
guarantees.

"I'm sure." Chakotay smiled and reached out to cradle her 
cheek in his palm. "Whatever the future holds, Kathryn, I 
want to move forward with you...with no regrets."

"Then I'm willing," she leaned in and ghosted her lips across 
his, then gave him a wicked grin. "But this time, we go 
*fast*."

THE END