NO CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION

Title: No Cause for Celebration, 1/1
Author: Jaye (Copyright December 2002)
Codes: VOY C PG

Disclaimer: Star Trek and all related characters and concepts are the property 
of Paramount. No infringement is intended or profit made. This is PG for 
language. 

Archive: Drop me a note first so I know where it's going. Please keep the text 
(especially the disclaimer) intact.

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Summary: Chakotay and Kathryn are at a crossroads.

Note: Set six months after "Hunters".

***************

Chakotay sat on the couch in Kathryn's quarters, stacking his share of the crew 
evaluations they'd spent the evening working on. Once the padds were in a neat 
pile he stood and stretched the kinks out of his spine. He turned to leave, then 
paused and shifted back. He affected a casual air. "I've saved up some holodeck 
time and replicator rations, and I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner 
with me tomorrow night, and maybe some dancing?" He held his breath.

Kathryn stopped in the middle of her own padd-collecting. She sat back, her 
brows drawing together. "You mean a dinner party?" She asked carefully.

"No, a date. Just the two of us." Chakotay said firmly, settling into place as 
if standing at parade rest. Or perhaps bracing for a blow.

Kathryn dropped her eyes. She'd fielded his offers before, and knew the drill. 
"I don't think that's a good idea. The crew---"

"Couldn't care less. You've relaxed the fraternization regs, so the Fleeters 
can't complain. And my people never gave a damn about them anyway," Chakotay 
interrupted her, refusing to be put off this time. He felt his jaw set and his 
fingers clench, and forced himself to relax. "So how about it?"

"I'm the Captain, Chakotay." Irritation brought Kathryn to her own feet, hands 
on hips. "I can't just take up with someone on a whim."

"The longer we spend in the Delta, the more I think that's one pretty lame 
excuse." Chakotay held his ground. "Who do you think is going to censure you out 
here? We're all alone, with decades of travel ahead of us. No one's going to 
think less of you for having a personal life, Kathryn."

"It's not that simple." Kathryn began to pace. "We're not just any ship, we are 
the *only* Starfleet vessel in this quadrant. The sole representatives of the 
Federation and all it stands for."

"And you think that having dinner with me will somehow send that august 
establishment plunging into chaos?" Chakotay grimaced at the sarcastic words as 
they rolled off his tongue, but her attitude rankled. He was weary of evasion.

"Of course not." Kathryn flung one hand out in a familiar gesture. "But you must 
admit that the standards have to be higher because of our circumstances. And as 
Captain, I need to be...impeccable, unimpeachable."

"On *and* off duty? No one can do that, they'd go crazy from the strain." 
Chakotay's face softened as he took a step toward her. "I care about you, 
Kathryn, and I don't like how you're trying to 'define parameters' so there's no 
room for anyone, anything except Voyager."

"I'm not." Kathryn stopped and faced him. "I just don't think it's the right 
time for me to consider taking such a step."

Chakotay considered his usual retreat for a moment, then his mouth thinned in 
exasperation. He lifted his hands to her, palms up in query. "Then when, for 
spirits' sake?"

Now Kathryn's temper flared. "I don't know." She stepped into his space, chin 
belligerently raised. "You said I had plenty of time, Chakotay. So why are you 
pushing me now?"

"Because you've given me the brush-off too many times. I want to know why."

"My engagement---"

"Has been over for months," Chakotay retorted. "You can't use that as a 
smokescreen anymore. You've known about Mark's marriage since the Hirogen 
array."

"Yes."

Kathryn's clipped voice gave Chakotay pause. He considered her 
uncharacteristically shifting eyes and shuffling feet. "There's something more 
to it, isn't there?" Chakotay felt behind him for a chair and carefully lowered 
himself into it, gut twisting, mind racing. "The contact with Starfleet 
Command...it...reminded you that you were sent to capture the Maquis, didn't 
it?"

There was no answer, but Chakotay could read the tension stiffening the slender 
shoulders. He spoke slowly, feeling his way. "It's not that you don't want to 
get involved, it's that you don't want to get involved with me." Realization 
dawned. "You're worried about what the people back home will think."

Kathryn's expression was a mix of appeal and insistence. "How can I not? I sent 
the logs and my reports on how far the Maquis had come, but..." She trailed off.

"But you didn't get the chance to find out if that was enough to redeem us in 
Starfleet's or the Federation's eyes," Chakotay finished grimly. "That's the 
reason you're holding back? You should have told me months ago."

She shrugged uncomfortably. "I figured if enough time passed my feelings on the 
matter would change. Or we'd find a way to make contact again."

"And your tame Maquis would earn the stamp of Starfleet approval. What were you 
hoping for? Full pardons, recognition of our field commissions?" Incensed, 
Chakotay stood and strode over to Kathryn, yanking up her chin. "Official 
permission to fuck your First Officer?"

Kathryn jerked away, stung. "Maybe I just care a little more about appearances. 
Some of us don't have the excuse of falling in with a bunch of---" She stopped, 
wide eyes filled with horror at what she'd been about to say.

"Of what?" he ground out, eyes blazing. "Renegades? Criminals?" He stared at 
her, reading the truth in her eyes. The anger faded from his as sorrow took 
hold. "You should have told me," he said again.

"Chakotay, I'm not just thinking about myself." Anxiety was clear in her gaze as 
Kathryn cautiously approached to stand in front of Chakotay once more. "We 
*will* get back to the Alpha Quadrant one day. And if I were...intimate with one 
of the Maquis, I could be accused of losing my objectivity. Of letting my 
emotions cloud my judgement of your crew. Of being biased."

"How could you not be? We've been together too long already to be anything less 
than a family." Chakotay rested his hands on Kathryn's shoulders as he searched 
her face. "Kathryn, I once told you that I wouldn't sacrifice the present for a 
future that may never be. The Maquis---my friends and family---lie murdered and 
mourned half a galaxy away. Voyager and the people aboard her...they're my home. 
This moment and the next are the only life I have."

He raised a hand and caressed her cheek as his eyes held hers, trying to reach 
her heart, make her understand. "And it's such a fragile thread connecting us 
all, Kathryn. We've faced death too many times on this journey."

His expression turned solemn as he sighed. "I don't know if we'll ever get back 
to the Federation. Or what my fate will be once we reach there. But I have a 
chance for happiness, to love and be loved. Here, and now."

Chakotay swallowed. This was the moment of truth. "I'd like to share my life 
with someone...with you, Kathryn. Will you take a chance with me?"

For long moments they stared at each other, silence hushing the room. Then 
Kathryn broke the spell, stepping back out of Chakotay's reach. "No," she said 
quietly, "I'm sorry, Chakotay, but I don't think that's wise. The possible 
consequences are too great." She reached out a hand to rest in the center of his 
chest. "I can't change that belief in a day. Surely you can understand why I 
need more time before I even think about getting involved with someone?"

"Yes, I understand." His throat ached and his eyes blurred as he raised his 
hands to cup the pale, delicate jaw. Chakotay placed a soft kiss on her lips, 
then brushed another across her forehead. This time *he* stepped away, and felt 
the moment when they lost their connection and he stood alone. "And I'm sorry, 
but I won't wait any longer for you."

Shock opened Kathryn's eyes and mouth. "But---but why not?"

"Because I would gift my lover with many things, Kathryn, but my self-respect 
was never one of them." Chakotay's voice was quiet but firm.

"What are you saying?" Her eyes were narrowed, her hands clenched defensively.

"That if you can't accept me for who I am, then waiting another week or month or 
year won't make any difference." Kathryn's guilty expression simply confirmed 
his assessment and he felt a twinge deep within. Their moment of possibility 
passed, forever becoming the road not taken. "What we could have together can't 
be very important to you if it takes a Starfleet commission or Federation pardon 
to make you willing to feel something for me."

Kathryn protested, "I do care for you, Chakotay."

He nodded. "But not enough." Chakotay straightened under the burden of regret 
for what would never be. He knew he'd carry its weight for a time, but he also 
felt a buoyancy of spirit, the freedom of discovery. He was going to walk a new 
path. Only the spirits knew who waited for him around the next bend. "I want 
someone who loves me, who'll build a life with me now. And risk whatever the 
future holds, hand in hand."

"I'm sorry," Kathryn whispered, her own eyes misty. "I should have told you."

"At least now we both know where we stand." Chakotay forgave her with a soft 
smile, and silently asked absolution in return. It was granted with a hesitant 
hug that both of them gradually relaxed into. They were friends. But from this 
moment on, only friends.

Chakotay broke the embrace, catching Kathryn's hands. He squeezed slightly as he 
said, "I still expect to see you spending more time with people off-duty." His 
smile widened. "I want to see you happy, even if it's not with me."

Kathryn's face reflected her wonder. "You really mean that."

"Of course I do." Chakotay grinned at her and made his way to the exit. "So 
don't disappoint me." She was still wearing the same bemused expression when the 
panel slid closed. He hoped he'd given her something to think about, at least.

***************

Calling up Sandrine's was a just a spur-of-the-moment whim. Chakotay knew that 
people were converging at the resort for one of Neelix's shindigs, but he wasn't 
in the mood just yet.

Despite his brave front to Kathryn, Chakotay didn't know what his next step 
should be. He'd been so long focused on starting something with her that he 
hadn't really looked at anyone else.

He also wasn't sure that anyone would be interested in looking at him. He was, 
after all, a bit older than most of the people aboard. Chakotay sighed as he 
slid onto a stool. Sandrine came up to him.

"And what can I get you this evening, Commander?" the French proprietress purred 
as she set her elbows on the bar. She leaned forward provocatively to hear his 
answer.

Keeping his eyes firmly away from the hologram's boldly flaunted cleavage, 
Chakotay opened his mouth to answer. Then closed it, confusion washing through 
him. "I'm not sure, Sandrine, what would be appropriate."

"Are you celebrating your joys or drowning your sorrows? Perhaps I can recommend 
something, mon brave."

"I'm not sure what to call the occasion, an ending or a beginning." 
Embarrassment tinged his cheeks at explaining himself to the hologram. "Captain 
Janeway and I have decided that romance is definitely not in the cards."

Sandrine perked up at that. "So you are, how does Monsieur Thomas say, 'on the 
market'?"

"I suppose so." Chakotay shifted warily. "Why?"

"Because I have just the thing." The woman darted toward the other end of the 
room, then stopped and fixed him with a glare. "You will not move," she ordered.

Chakotay raised his brows in response to Sandrine's adamant command, but nodded. 
he was curious what had her so animated.

A moment later she returned to set in front of him a tall fluted glass, a padd 
and a small bottle of champagne. "What's this?" he asked, trying to read the 
label.

"Dom Perignon, an excellent year." She popped the cork and quickly caught the 
sparkling liquid in the glass. The she turned on the padd and slid it over to 
him. "And a list of people who would like you to...keep them in mind when you're 
in the mood for some company."

Chakotay lifted the small instrument. His eyes widened as he read the list, 
scrolling down to see them all. "There are more than a hundred names here," he 
said in awe. Then his brows drew together as he set the padd down. "Just how 
long have you had this, Sandrine?"

"Since the first time Monsieur Thomas brought you all here to meet me." Sandrine 
shrugged. "I was asked to deliver the items if you ever mentioned that you 
were...ready for a change."

"Well it's a very gracious gesture, but..." Chakotay paused to take a sip of the 
golden beverage, savoring for a moment the subtle tingle and taste. And the fact 
that at one point in this journey he'd unknowingly been a very popular man 
indeed. "I think this is a little out of date."

One finger indicated some of the names etched in glowing letters. "These people 
are already in established relationships. They have been for quite a while."

Sandrine gave him a very Gallic, knowing smile. "Mon cher Commander, this list 
is updated on the first of every month. No one's ever been asked to be removed." 
She leaned in to whisper, "Those couples would be very happy to have you join 
them, in whatever...combination strikes your fancy."

Chakotay jerked back and blinked, stunned. After a moment of absorbing the 
information, he took another sip of champagne and lifted the padd again, 
speculating. "Well, that's certainly, um," he cleared his throat, "flattering."

"Oui, and it makes me wonder just how you've managed to engender interest in 
such a vast array of personalities." Sandrine eyed him. "Besides the obvious, of 
course."

He didn't answer but quickly sought to bring the conversation back to safer 
territory. "I guess I'll take some time to...consider my options."

"You do that," Sandrine purred. She leaned in again to murmur, "And be sure to 
note that I have added *my* name to this list. Remember, the French are famous 
for their skill in the art of love."

Chakotay hastily lifted his glass in a toast to force the lascivious lady back 
to her side of the bar. "To new possibilities," he said.

THE END