ANNIVERSARY

Title: Anniversary
Author: Jaye (Copyright October 2002)
Codes: VOY J/C NC-17

Disclaimer: Star Trek, Voyager and all related characters and concepts are the 
property of Paramount. No infringement is intended or profit made. This is NC-17 
for m/f sex. If you aren't interested (or aren't old enough), don't read it.

Archive: Drop me a note first so I know where it's going. Please keep the text 
(especially the disclaimer) intact.

Feedback: Sure but be kind, or at least constructive, especially since this is 
my first attempt at heterosexual fanfic. E-mail is reader8901@fastmail.fm

Summary: Chakotay talks with Kathryn a year after their return from New Earth.

Note: Set exactly one year after the ending of "Resolutions" (which I haven't 
seen, so sorry for any inconsistencies). As mentioned above, first attempt at 
het sex, so if there's a glaring error or faux pas please let me know. 
Originally written for the 2002 Blue Alert Contest.

***************

Chakotay took a deep breath, seeking calm. It didn't work. The churning in his 
gut continued to mirror the whirl of his thoughts and the turmoil in his heart 
and soul.

But he'd lived with his unsettled feelings for so long now that they were 
familiar, his usual state of mind. He'd become inured to the roller coaster of 
hope and disappointment. In the last few months the track had changed, leading 
him into the reluctant acceptance of painful truths.

Over time he'd managed to eliminate the signs of this internal journey from his 
face and eyes. Even his body language had calmed, the alert bristle of 
anticipation settling into the serenity he projected to the universe. And to the 
woman whose cabin door he stood contemplating.

Tonight was the final time he would feel this uncertainty, the painful searing 
of unanswered hopes. He could endure it for a little longer, even enjoy the burn 
along his soul as proof of life. Chakotay knew that he would miss it in the 
darkness and silence that would come after.

Despite the nervous thud of his pulse through them, there was no tremor in his 
fingers as he pushed the chime.

***************

Kathryn felt herself relax into the chair behind her desk. He was here.

She'd been in an agony of ambivalence since Chakotay had requested this meeting 
yesterday. She knew what today was, what it meant to both of them. Kathryn had 
revisited the memories of New Earth often in the last 365 days.

She closed her eyes, which this evening had restlessly wandered file after file 
on her terminal as she sought distraction. Her fingers released their death grip 
on a long-empty coffee cup. She quickly stood to cross to the area in front of 
the couch, nervously running her hand through her hair, making sure the short 
brown strands were in place. She had chosen to remain in uniform. She 
desperately needed the armor of Starfleet discipline.

"Enter," Kathryn called, ruthlessly crushing her excitement. The pleasure that 
always kindled at thoughts of Chakotay had no place here. It couldn't.

This was business as usual, Captain and Commander, or friend to friend. Nothing 
more. At least, that's what she told herself.

In the seconds between her order and the activation of the door Kathryn felt the 
memories of New Earth wash over her. The frustration of her failed experiments, 
the pain of separation from her crew and the agony of permanent exile from Mark 
and her family.

But then a plasma storm had destroyed her scientific equipment.

At first she thought she'd never recover from the loss of her dream for a cure 
and a return to Voyager. But in time Kathryn understood she had been blessed 
with so much in exchange.

The storm had forced her to shed the Captain's mask she'd worn for years. Also 
gone was the engagement to Mark, the shield she'd clung to so desperately. Her 
ways of hiding from herself, from the truth. And from Chakotay.

Chakotay. The exotic name murmured through her mind like a caress, warm and soft 
and strong. Like the man himself. He'd been there for her back then. While she 
closed herself off from everything but research, he'd been building them a home, 
a life---even a bathtub. So patiently waiting for her to remove the blinders 
from her eyes. To accept what they'd lost forever, to see what they'd gained. 
And when she'd finally done so she'd been amazed. An echo of that wonder 
shivered through her.

The sheer freedom of those months was unique in Kathryn's rigidly mapped-out 
adult life. She'd been left without class schedules or duty rosters, procedures 
or protocols, without a clear course of action.

But she did have a guide into this strange new world: Chakotay.

He'd been everything she needed: a friendly ear or shoulder when Kathryn wanted 
to talk, a cheerful distraction when she courted depression, an enthusiastic 
teammate when she at last set the past aside to enjoy the present. Which 
included a future alone together on the planet that was both their doom and 
their salvation.

They'd grown so close in those months of carefree companionship. Every day held 
new delights of exploration. Not only of their new world, but also of their 
friendship.

Kathryn also knew how close they'd come to being more than friends. But she'd 
never told Chakotay. Even now she couldn't decide if the regret of missed 
opportunities was better than the pain of love acknowledged, then abandoned.

The attraction she felt for the Maquis rebel had sparked the very first time 
they'd met on the bridge of Voyager. When she'd sensed both his power and his 
restraint, when she'd looked into his dark eyes.

Then they'd blazed with anger, but it was tempered with respect for her. And 
Chakotay recognized from the beginning that their crews needed to work together. 
Kathryn had marveled that even as an enemy Chakotay had sacrificed his ship to 
protect hers and risked the wrath of his crew to support her destruction of the 
Caretaker's array. She knew how lucky she was when he agreed to become her First 
Officer.

Over the months on Voyager Chakotay's eyes softened, the fire banked to embers 
offering warmth and humor, unswerving loyalty and a simmering awareness of her 
as a woman.

On New Earth that glint of attraction became more apparent. Things heated 
between them so gradually Kathryn had been shocked when she recognized the 
change in his dark brown eyes. Not the renewed flash of anger, but the unveiled 
smolder of sensuality. Of desire carefully held in check. Chakotay's gaze hinted 
at a passion she knew would be all-consuming.

Kathryn felt an answering flare of want and need in herself. In comparison her 
feelings for Mark, even for Justin, were like candles lost in a bonfire's blaze. 
She both feared and craved the conflagration. If---no, she admitted, when---they 
came together Chakotay's love would sear her to the soul. And like a brand, she 
would wear its mark forever.

So she hesitated. Even after Chakotay's Angry Warrior story, which spoke of 
emotions greater than mere passion. Even after she'd known the warmth and caring 
of his gentle touch so briefly upon her skin.

Each day she thought, tomorrow would be better. Easier. She'd be more certain of 
her feelings then, and his. More sure that she would survive the flames intact.

Kathryn felt like one of the maidens from ancient times, who tossed themselves 
into volcanoes believing they were diving into the arms of the god who dwelled 
within. She teetered on the precipice, longing to feel the rush of heat but 
still afraid of the fire's embrace.

But she left things too long. Before her confession came Tuvok's hail, releasing 
Chakotay and her from their prison paradise and returning them to the lives 
they'd left behind on Voyager.

And to more reasons for not getting involved romantically with a man who called 
to her without words, on levels she didn't dare to contemplate. Sometimes 
Kathryn despised her own cowardice, for never mentioning what might have been 
and for cutting off Chakotay each time he tried to broach the taboo subject of 
their almost-relationship. For neither crossing nor burning the bridge between 
them.

She knew when Chakotay was about to force the issue by the look in his eyes, all 
the unspoken emotions lighting their endless depths. It had been so painful to 
distract, to evade, to change the topic by subtly, ruthlessly pulling rank. 
Reminding them both that she was a Starfleet Captain, with a book of rules she 
had chosen to enforce despite the personal cost.

Kathryn knew she trampled on a fragile, precious thing each time she ignored 
their deeper feelings. At first she'd allowed Chakotay as close as they were on 
the planet, vaguely hoping to maintain the status quo. Tormenting herself with 
his untouchable proximity, so near yet completely lost to her.

But it was too hard. To be that hand's-breadth away from the man she might have 
loved, his strong embrace, his soft lips, those beautiful eyes that both pleaded 
and demanded.

She was only human. So she took the easy way out, slipping once more behind her 
mask of command, the shield of her engagement. Finding projects to keep her 
unavailable, and work to keep them busy when they had to spend time together. 
Each deliberate step away from Chakotay tore raggedly at her spirit, as if he 
were being physically ripped from her heart. Yet she continued to smother her 
feelings, to deny they ever existed.

Kathryn watched Chakotay fight her actions, trying to find his way around the 
barriers she imposed. But she blocked him at every turn. Eventually all those 
fiery emotions faded from his gaze, veiled and buried and banked once more.

She began to fear Chakotay's love had truly died to ashes, even if that would 
make life easier. On both of them.

***************

The door slid open before Chakotay and he stepped within. He regarded Kathryn 
gravely, uncertain how to react to her uniform. Either she needed the protection 
of duty to continue to resist their attraction, or she cared so little now that 
there was no reason to change her evening routine. No urge to mark the 
anniversary of the end of their sylvan idyll on New Earth.

He wondered if Kathryn ever hated the uniform, felt the need to set fire to the 
red-and-black fabric in defiance of all it stood for. Sometimes he seriously 
considered it, destroying the physical representation of the Starfleet way of 
life. And the rules and regulations Kathryn as Captain had decreed precluded her 
from having a relationship with anyone in her crew.

Occasionally Chakotay indulged in a daydream of turning in his resignation, 
sweeping Kathryn into his arms, and silencing her protests with the most 
passionate of kisses. Of peeling her to the skin, pulling her from the shell of 
her captaincy. Freeing her to accept the love and passion he ached to share.

But Chakotay knew his own sense of obligation, not to mention Kathryn's, would 
not allow such a scenario. No, that particular fantasy would never come to pass.

He often wondered why he'd fallen so hopelessly in love with her, this woman of 
steely determination and delicate form. How it came to be that her smile 
brightened his spirits, her scent stirred his ardor, her imagined touch haunted 
his dreams. Why Kathryn Janeway alone had the power to lay claim to his mind and 
heart and soul without ever truly sharing her own.

He watched her now as he walked across the room, admiring the way the light 
gleamed gold and auburn in her brown hair. The edges of cheekbones and chin were 
more prominent than usual, as if she were tightening her face, firming her 
defenses. Her gaze was clouded, impossible to read beneath the professionalism. 
As it had been since the second they'd resumed their places in the chain of 
command.

He straightened his shoulders and offered a smile. "Hello. Thank you for seeing 
me tonight."

"Of course, Mr. Chakotay."

His eyebrows rose at the choice of address. A subtle gambit, adding a touch of 
formality to his name. Not a warning, just a simple drawing of the line to 
remind him not to cross it.

Chakotay almost chuckled at the irony. This day of all days he must shine a 
torch on things that lay hidden in shadows. Just once. He watched Kathryn give a 
small wave toward the couch. "Please sit down. Would you like something to 
drink?" she asked, ever the gracious hostess.

"No, thanks." Chakotay stepped forward, determined but not aggressive. He would 
never force himself or his feelings on another. That was the point of this 
meeting. Love was clasped hands, not the bruising grip of a captor. He watched 
the woman who held his heart perch on the far left cushion. She sat stiffly, as 
if poised to jump away any second.

He breathed a silent sigh and moved to seat himself. Instead of joining her on 
the couch, Chakotay chose to settle on the coffee table before it, directly in 
front of Kathryn, his knees falling outside of hers. He slowly reached out and 
gently gathered up her hands. They were cold, and he immediately cupped his own 
around them, his thumbs stroking along the backs.

Chakotay waited for the moment to settle around them, letting the silence 
declare its importance.

In the quiet, the end of hope and the beginning of its aftermath rose up in him. 
The fierce blast of pain and regret squeezed his breath and seized his heart. 
But he just closed his eyes and endured. Then he lifted his head and stared into 
Kathryn's eyes, hiding nothing of his feelings from his own.

"Kathryn, there's something I need you to know."

***************

She couldn't bear it. The warmth of Chakotay's hands on hers, the intimacy of 
their positions, the emotions that blazed openly in his dark eyes once more. And 
the determination stamped on his handsome face.

Kathryn knew she wasn't ready to hear what Chakotay had to say. It didn't matter 
if he was here to make a declaration, deliver his demands, announce an 
ultimatum. Despite a year's wait, she still doubted her resolve to turn him 
down. She needed a physical separation to maintain her emotional distance. She 
leapt to her feet, pulling her fingers free of Chakotay's light grasp. She 
quickly moved behind the couch, resting her forearms along the back in an 
attempt at appearing relaxed.

Her eyes ran over Chakotay, unconsciously noticing his casual black slacks and 
button-down shirt. The color, a deep blue, made his skin glow. Though he was 
never a man to deliberately play on his sex appeal, he was definitely a sight to 
kindle the senses. She took a moment to quiet her desire and her nerves before 
she trusted her voice enough to ask, "What is it?" Kathryn winced at hearing the 
defensive tone.

A touch of weariness, of resignation briefly flickered through Chakotay's 
expression before he looked up at her and quietly said, "You don't have to run 
away anymore. You win."

Kathryn's brows drew together in puzzlement. "What are you talking about?"

He indicated the barrier she had placed between them and gave a rueful half-
smile. "You can stand down. Lower shields. End evasive maneuvers. I'm here to 
tell you that it's over. Before it ever really began."

Kathryn knew that this was what she should want to hear. But Chakotay's words 
didn't match the look in his eyes. The dark gaze that caressed her face with 
such tenderness did not speak of endings, or defeat. She straightened, 
uncertain. "I'm not sure I understand."

***************

Chakotay paused a moment to gather his nerve. He was about to destroy something 
he had planned to treasure for the rest of his life. Only the knowledge of the 
changes he had witnessed over the past months kept him on this difficult course. 
He replied carefully, "A year ago we were building something very special. A 
relationship that touched me more profoundly than I ever expected or experienced 
before." He shrugged and stood. "At least, that's how it seemed to me."

He walked to the viewport and stared at the stars, remembering that heady time. 
In the reflection he saw Kathryn turn to face his back. "On New Earth, I was 
happier than I'd ever been in my life. It didn't matter that we were trapped 
there for the rest of our days. In you I found everything I would ever need or 
want: friend, helpmeet, partner...beloved."

The moment he murmured the word he turned to see its impact on Kathryn. One pale 
hand rose to her chest, but he didn't know if the gesture was to echo his 
feelings or ward them off. Though Kathryn's eyes had turned stormy, he wasn't 
sure what emotion stirred in their depths. It hurt him to realize he knew her so 
little, now.

Chakotay crossed his arms and leaned his shoulders against the bulkhead. It was 
a defensive gesture; he keenly felt his vulnerability at Kathryn's lack of 
response. He cleared his throat and continued. "But I never told you how I felt, 
all that I hoped for; not really. I didn't think I should. You'd lost so much 
more in our exile than I had. I wanted to be your friend before asking for more. 
And I suppose I was waiting for some sign that you wanted our relationship to 
change, as well."

"But you ran out of time," Kathryn said, her voice as hushed as his own.

"Yes." He gave a small grin. "Tuvok's timing was as impeccable as always." He 
sobered and sighed. "So we came back to Voyager, to rosters and policies, to 
uniforms and rules. And you stopped being my companion and turned into my 
captain once more."

Chakotay looked full into Kathryn's face and hoped she saw in that moment that 
he'd noticed every single one of her efforts to keep him at bay. But his voice 
held no recrimination, only sorrow. "And so you began to slowly draw away from 
me, Kathryn. I've watched you close yourself off from everyone in this crew so I 
couldn't complain you only shut me out. You've buried yourself in work, hidden 
behind your command and all those damn protocols."

He struggled for a moment to calm his breathing. His emotions simmered so close 
to the surface. He dropped his arms to his sides, unconsciously opening his 
hands to her. "It's been such a hard year, Kathryn. Because despite all your 
brushoffs and evasions I kept hoping you'd give me that sign. That you'd tell me 
that it didn't matter where we were, what roles we had to play. That you wanted 
me as well...that you loved me."

***************

There was an echo of hurt in Chakotay's soft words, a wounded edge to his tone. 
Kathryn knew then that he had hidden his pain from her long before he began 
concealing his desire. And so much more.

Love. The knowledge of Chakotay's love blazed through her mind, her heart. So 
now she was sure of his feelings. And yet she would do nothing. Because she 
still feared being destroyed by those emotions and her own, so intense and 
overwhelming.

Kathryn had loved, been loved before. But those relationships were nothing like 
this. They didn't make her flush with desire, burn with hunger...with need. Make 
her fear she would be utterly consumed, until there was nothing left of her 
except the scorched and blackened shell of what she had been.

The loss of control, of self, was terrifying. She wouldn't give in to it, for to 
speak of her fears would be to admit her weakness. And that was one thing 
Kathryn would never accept, on-duty or off.

She had to be strong, she had to stand alone no matter who was with her. She had 
learned that lesson the hard way as she watched her father and fiancé die 
together, so many years ago. As she had lain in her bed at her childhood home, 
too devastated to even contemplate suicide.

In the long struggle to come back to herself, Kathryn had sworn never to be that 
vulnerable again. Ever. She would be content with safer, less volatile emotions.

Even if it cost her Chakotay, her Angry Warrior. She was too afraid of the fall 
into the heart of the volcano. She would still cling to her precipice, high 
above the flames.

Chakotay's admission hung like smoke in the air between them. She let it 
dissipate in silence.

***************

Chakotay watched a dozen expressions ghost across Kathryn's face, but none of 
them settled long enough for him to recognize them. He could try to guess at 
what she was thinking, but her actions were absolutely clear. Her silence spoke 
volumes.

In a way, it was a relief. To know he was right to trust his instincts. His body 
relaxed, and he refused to wonder if it was the release of tension or a slump of 
defeat. He pushed himself away from the wall. "But that signal never came. I saw 
you less and less, as you drifted ever further out of my reach." He gave a self-
deprecating smile as he crossed to sit on the couch. "It took me a while, but I 
finally got the message. I realized that it was time to let you go."

Kathryn followed him, sitting on the opposite end. When she spoke her voice was 
rough, curiosity mixed with some indefinable emotion. "Why? Why now, Chakotay?"

He kept his eyes on his hands. There was no way he could look at Kathryn at this 
moment. He was too close to grabbing her and screaming his need to know why she 
couldn't return his love, or simply howling with grief over what would never be 
his.

***************

Kathryn followed Chakotay's gaze, resting as well on strong bronze hands twisted 
together in tension. His profile, all sharp angles and shadows, echoed the same 
internal struggle, but his voice was calm, reflective. He sounded like an 
ancient storyteller spinning yarns around a cookfire under Earth's starry skies.

"My people know much about loss. Sometimes it seems our history is nothing more 
than one long retreat, from the cities and temples and palaces of our forebears, 
from the jungles and woodlands, plains and deserts that were our homes. From the 
planet that nurtured us and where our ancestors' bones lay buried, and later 
from the worlds we chose to cherish as our own."

She watched as Chakotay's head lifted and he stared into some distant vision of 
the past before he resumed.

"But they learned how to survive, how to be stripped of everything you had but 
to hold fast to who you were. They learned to let go, and to move on. How to 
grieve without shame, and live without regret."

Chakotay briefly glanced her way, and Kathryn wondered if she spied the glitter 
of unshed tears. She barely breathed, anxious to hear each word as it was 
formed.

"Kathryn, more than a year ago I made a promise to you." One dimple flashed 
briefly in another small smile. "The only one I knew you would accept back then. 
I have passed a year of hoping that you would accept more from me...that we 
could share our feelings, our lives and futures."

He looked at her then, and Kathryn felt the heat of his gaze like a physical 
touch. But as they stared at each other she sensed him withdraw. His eyes were 
as serious as she'd ever seem them. "I've come to understand that my feelings 
only cause you pain. That somehow my need for you makes *you* retreat."

He leaned forward a little, earnestness in every line of his body. "Kathryn, I 
fell in love with a vibrant, fearless, passionate and compassionate woman. But 
that's not who you are anymore. And I think I'm to blame for making you hard and 
harsh, isolated and alone."

His eyes searched hers. "I never wanted that kind of life for you. And to force 
you to keep on this way is breaking my vow to make your burdens easier. So I'm 
giving you the only thing that I can think of to bring you back to yourself, by 
giving up my love for you."

Kathryn felt an icy mantle descend over her and wondered if she was in shock. 
Something in her expression must have alarmed Chakotay, because he immediately 
reached out and cupped a corner of her jaw, tilting her face up more toward the 
light.

She didn't know what she felt. She knew she should be filled with relief at the 
end of the constant struggle between her need to succumb to Chakotay and her 
determination to resist such a profound surrender. Maybe even a spark of 
gladness, that she could once again view him only as a friend, not a threat to 
her very being.

But all she could think was that Chakotay must not have ever loved her at all, 
to be able to give her up so easily, so soon. She knew her reaction was 
unreasonable. It wasn't fair to him, but then none of this had been. And though 
she refused to examine the emotions too closely, she *was* angry and hurt and 
bitterly disappointed that he would abandon her. That he could.

Her tone reflected her thoughts as she jerked away. "So you just wave your hand 
and 'poof', you fall out of love? That doesn't sound like quite the grand 
passion you've portrayed."

***************

Chakotay leaned back, as if trying to evade her sharp words. He felt his own 
control slip a little as he grated, "Don't you *dare* belittle this, Kathryn."

He launched off the seat, then froze, fists clenched and breathing hard in his 
agitation. His tongue burned with the angry accusations and bitter diatribes 
crowding into his mouth. He was sickened by their acid bile. He closed his eyes, 
seeking calm. It wasn't Kathryn's fault she didn't return his devotion. 
Punishing her wouldn't make him hurt any less. And surely they'd both suffered 
enough this past year.

He had taken a risk when he chose to nurture the spark of love. The pain and 
sadness he would face were the inevitable price he paid for learning that his 
feelings were unrequited. But his emotions were *his* problem. He had to learn 
to live with the situation, just as his foremothers and forefathers had risen 
above much greater disappointments over the centuries.

His voice was still shaky as he replied, "No, it won't be that easy. Since New 
Earth I've had a year of hoping for things that will never be. So now begins a 
year of mourning."

He stared sightlessly into space, unable to meet Kathryn's eyes as he explained. 
"That is the way of my people. To grieve with all they are, to acknowledge 
profound loss, not hide from it. So I will take the time to lay my love to rest, 
to honor all that you could have meant to me, Kathryn. I will call up every 
dream I had of a future with you. Morning sun in your hair, moonlight silvering 
your skin. Creating a life together, sharing our histories, building a home, 
filling it with love. Dancing, your head nestled under my chin. Kissing you, 
sweet and soft, hard and hot. Desire and passion, endless days and nights in 
your embrace. The sight and sound, the scent and touch and taste of you. Holding 
our children in my arms. Growing old together, watching the passing years whiten 
your hair but never dim your bright eyes."

Chakotay sighed, and his voice was husky with the pain that was to come. "I will 
bring each one to life, one last time. And set them aside forever, so you're 
free of their burden upon your soul. My vow to you is as strong as ever, 
Kathryn. I will always be your friend." He couldn't bring himself to say, But as 
you wish, just your friend.

***************

When he finally turned back to her, Kathryn could see that the fire in his eyes 
was already being suffocated by grief. Even as she watched all the emotions 
snuffed out, leaving only their afterimage burned on her memory.

Chakotay offered her a small, sad smile. "And maybe, when this year is done, you 
will again be the Woman Warrior I once knew. I truly hope so." Then with a last 
look he began to walk away. Slowly, but his back was straight and shoulders set 
with determination to see this through.

Kathryn felt the chill envelope her, freezing her from the outside in and back 
again. At that moment she truly believed she would never be warm again. Not when 
she'd so thoroughly, deliberately smothered her own feelings.

She had just witnessed the most amazing act of love. A sacrifice so profound she 
could barely conceive of it. Chakotay was incapable of half-measures. If he 
cared for her as truly as he said, then he had been waiting for more than a year 
to offer her the whole of his generous heart, the totality of his being. The 
mind, body, soul of this most remarkable man---they had all been hers for the 
asking.

But when Kathryn refused to even acknowledge the gift, Chakotay had gone one 
step further: he was now setting out to crush his own hopes, his dreams, all 
that he lived for.

Because it was the only way she'd left him to express his love. He was going to 
willingly cast himself into the crucible, to burn away the man that he'd become 
on New Earth. So she could return to the woman she had been then.

Chakotay would stifle the bright fire of his feelings, re-make it into the 
small, easy glow of friendship, the warmth and humor that was no threat to her.

Because he believed that Kathryn had lost a part of herself, and he wanted her 
to find again her true nature.

Tears began to spill down her cheeks, their hot trails shocking her skin. She 
had spent more than a year being afraid of loving Chakotay because she thought 
that in joining with him she would lose her sense of self, her independence.

Instead, it was Chakotay who would be reduced to ashes.

The horror of what her cowardice had wrought made her shiver. And in that moment 
Kathryn realized that she still stood on the precipice, but if she let this love 
die then she would forever be trapped there, looking down upon an abyss of cold 
and lonely despair.

Wrapping her arms tightly around her body, Kathryn closed her eyes and reached 
into herself to find some spark of courage, to coax forth some buried ember of 
the Woman Warrior who'd so captured Chakotay's heart.

And she found it protecting her love for Chakotay, the tiniest of flames still 
feebly flickering deep in her soul.

The sudden fear that Chakotay would leave, that he'd walk out the door believing 
she'd never cared for him, fanned it back to life. It spread throughout her, 
warming her core and erupting outward.

She would fling herself into the volcano's heart, willingly, freely, knowing now 
she was wrong to have ever feared the flames.

Loving Chakotay could never destroy her, no matter how intense or overwhelming 
the fire raged between them. Because he would destroy himself before he ever 
hurt her. He loved her strength, and only wished to add his own to it. Her voice 
rang out in the quiet cabin, halting Chakotay in his tracks.

"It's a year and a day," she said.

***************

No one else's voice could have stopped him. His mind had already been reaching 
forward, outside this cabin. He'd been reminding himself to keep his face serene 
as he left despite the devastation of his soul, to protect their privacy from 
any chance-met witnesses.

But Kathryn always held his attention, even in this moment. Chakotay supposed 
that would be true even after love was gone. He turned, crinkling his forehead 
in confusion.

Chakotay almost forgot Kathryn's words, so stunned was he by the woman who was 
now rising from the couch and approaching him. She seemed to glow, her cheeks 
flushed, her smile wide and joy-filled. And her eyes...he had not been able to 
read them so clearly since New Earth. But even on that planet they'd never held 
such emotion, blazed so brightly with it.

Hope sparked in his soul, but he hesitated. He'd just made a solemn promise, and 
didn't want to make the situation between them worse by misinterpreting 
Kathryn's feelings. He could be deceived by his own longings. "What is?"

Kathryn stopped before him and slowly, carefully, reached out one hand to rest 
upon his chest. He closed his eyes a moment and swallowed, trying to keep his 
breathing steady. He looked at her again when she began to speak, and watched 
the emotions transforming her beautiful face.

"In Irish legends, the time for waiting, for hoping." She moved a fraction 
closer. "I'm part Irish, so you have to grant me this extra day." He could see 
the salt-shine of tear stains on her cheeks, and the glimmer of more pooling in 
her eyes.

Kathryn placed her other hand beside the first; he could feel their faint quiver 
through his shirt. Her voice echoed the tremor. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. For never 
giving you that sign. I wanted to---I wanted to be with you---but I was too 
afraid to take the risk. I love you. Please, don't tell me I'm too late."

Chakotay couldn't answer. He was too overwhelmed by the emotions raging through 
him. The flash of anger at all the pain she'd put him through soon burned out in 
the flare of love and joy at knowing Kathryn was finally his.

As he struggled with his answer he saw fear enter the blue-gray gaze as Kathryn 
began to draw away. He quickly brought his hands up to cover her own to keep her 
in place. Chakotay's heart warmed to see his love smile at him once more. This 
time he knew the moisture spiking her lashes came from tears of joy.

He tipped his head until he was a breath away from her lips. "I love you, 
Kathryn," he whispered, then kissed her.

***************

She felt the softness of Chakotay's lips brushing agonizingly slowly along hers. 
He pressed gently, seeking a deeper connection. Kathryn opened her mouth with a 
choked groan of relief. She feared she'd again left things too long, that her 
Angry Warrior wouldn't forgive all the agony she'd put him through, tonight and 
over the last year. Kathryn vowed to herself that Chakotay would never again 
doubt her feelings.

Desire kindled in her belly as Chakotay explored her mouth with his tongue, 
teasing the inner walls, stroking her palate. She learned the sweetness of his 
own, making her own forage into the heated depths.

Kathryn felt Chakotay's heartbeat quicken under her hands. Her fingers fluttered 
and were immediately freed. Chakotay's arms encircled her waist, drawing her 
into his strong embrace. Her own hands immediately went to his hair, burying 
themselves in the shiny dark strands, tilting his head to deepen their kiss.

They were breathing for each other, short gasps of air as their mouths stayed 
locked together. Their bodies strained to be closer, the passion of the last 
year and the attraction of long before unleashed at last.

Kathryn's hands dropped to grip broad shoulders as they finally broke apart, 
panting with need. Chakotay immediately cupped a hand around her nape, tilting 
her head back as his lips traveled up the tear tracks on her cheeks, his tongue 
darting out to taste the salt. She closed her eyes as he gently kissed them 
closed. She almost started crying again at the tenderness in his touch.

Instead she blinked a few times, then let her fingers discover the texture of 
his shirt as they drifted under the collar and down to the buttons. She began 
slipping them from their holes, concentrating on each centimeter of smooth 
bronze flesh she revealed.

Chakotay groaned as Kathryn started to explore his skin, slipping underneath the 
dark blue cloth even as she continued to unfasten it. He shuddered and pressed 
his forehead to hers. When she was done she lifted one strong wrist up for a 
line of kisses before releasing the cuff. After repeating the process with the 
other, she pushed the garment off Chakotay's shoulders, letting it slip to the 
floor in a whisper of sound.

Kathryn caught her breath. She'd forgotten, or more likely made herself forget, 
how beautiful Chakotay was. He was smooth and tawny and powerful, the muscles 
well-defined but not exaggerated. Her fingers itched to explore the taut 
abdomen, the sleek chest with its small dusky nipples, the carved shoulders and 
arms.

But it was Chakotay's face that set her afire with need. His expression had 
softened into a kind of wonder as he watched her admiring him. His eyes, deep 
and dark, now held a light in them that wrapped her in warmth and heated her 
blood. Oh yes, it was obvious that Chakotay loved her. And that he wanted her 
fiercely.

Kathryn lifted his hands again, raising his fingers to brush her lips against 
the backs. Then, very deliberately, she rested them on her chest, at the seam of 
her jacket. She raised her brows, invitation clear.

***************

Chakotay set his fingertips into the opening of the red-and-black cloth, 
marveling that this was actually happening. He slowly parted the jacket and 
skimmed his palms over Kathryn's shoulders as he pushed it to the floor.

He laid his hands along her ribs and stroked down to slender hips. Sliding his 
fingers under the hem of the gray turtleneck brought him into contact with soft 
skin. He reversed the motion, drawing the shirt up as Kathryn lifted her arms to 
ease the process.

When her face re-emerged she was wearing a white bra and a sexy half-smile. 
Unable to resist, Chakotay leaned forward and claimed her lips once more, 
gathering her close, feeling the slide of skin against skin and the aroused 
points of her nipples through the cloth.

Releasing Kathryn's mouth, he kissed a trail to one neat ear, closing his teeth 
lightly around the outer rim as he explored the whorls. He made his way down to 
the lobe, drawing the morsel of flesh into his mouth.

His skin shivered as Kathryn's fingers stroked from his nape along the tops of 
his shoulders. He felt her clutch at his biceps as he shifted to the tempting 
bit of skin behind her ear. A brush of his tongue and a careful suckling seemed 
to startle a moan out of the woman in his arms. The sound was low and urgent, 
kindling his desire even more. He whispered, "How far do you want this to go, 
beloved?"

At her silent urging Chakotay leaned back until he could see Kathryn's face. Her 
expression melted into tenderness as she reached up, stroking his cheek with her 
fingers, then trailing upward to carefully trace the lines of his tattoo.

"Chakotay," Kathryn murmured, as her gaze heated into passion once more, "I want 
this to go to the bedroom...and all the way." As she looked into his eyes 
Chakotay watched hers dilate further, so the black overwhelmed the blue. "Now."

"As you wish." Chakotay smiled at her, mischief brightening his face. He leaned 
down and lifted Kathryn into his arms, chuckling at her gasp of surprise and 
delight. He carried her to the bed, and set her down again to stand at its foot.

***************

She'd been swept off her feet---literally. The strength and gentleness of 
Chakotay's embrace reminded her for a moment of their first clash on Voyager's 
bridge, so long ago.

But now was the time to make new memories.

Kathryn quickly removed her boots and socks, envying Chakotay as he simply 
slipped out of his casual shoes. As she glanced over at her soon-to-be lover she 
was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to see him, all of him, this instant.

She reached out and caught his hands on their way to his trousers. "Allow me," 
she said, and watched Chakotay's eyes turn so dark with desire she could no 
longer separate iris and pupil. She was mesmerized a moment, at the fire of love 
and passion burning so brightly there. For her.

With a low sound in her throat, Kathryn wrenched her gaze away and went back to 
undressing Chakotay. The closure of his trousers swiftly yielded to her fingers, 
and a spark of playfulness inspired her. Sliding her hands under the waistband 
of the pants and what she bet were boxers underneath, she pushed both down at 
once. She carefully freed his erection, but she yanked the clothing off so fast 
after that she wondered if she'd left friction burns.

Without raising her gaze, she grasped bronze fingers and drew Chakotay forth, so 
he stepped out of the garments completely. Then she released his hands and 
lifted her eyes to gaze upon the man who'd so completely claimed her heart.

No wonder the maidens were glad to fling themselves to their dooms, if they 
thought he was waiting to catch them.

The low lights were reflected in Chakotay's glossy black hair. The planes of his 
handsome face displayed the masculine beauty of his tribal heritage as obviously 
as the tattoo. His eyes, so dark and deep and endless, were lit from within, 
shining forth all of his feelings for her. The fullness of his lips beckoned, 
and Kathryn longed to feel their soft warmth against her skin. But not just yet.

The strong column of his throat flowed into powerful shoulders, leading in turn 
to arms that spoke of strength and hands that promised tenderness.

Kathryn's mouth watered as she contemplated the smooth expanse of her lover's 
chest, which led the eye down to a taut belly and sleek hips. Chakotay's cock, 
full and erect, rose proudly from a background of soft-looking strands of black, 
the only hair on his body. She licked her lips, contemplating its length and 
girth. His legs matched the rest of him, carved and curved with muscle beneath 
golden-brown skin. His feet were set shoulder-width, and when her eyes made 
their languid journey back up she found his cheeks heated with the hint of a 
blush and a mix of arousal and amusement in his eyes.

"May I return the favor?" he asked, tilting his head as his smoldering gaze 
flicked over her own half-clothed body.

"Oh yes," Kathryn breathed and saw his humor incinerated by desire.

***************

Chakotay took a deep breath, reminding himself to savor the moment. He closed 
the gap separating them and went first to Kathryn's waistband, undoing the pants 
and removing them, leaving her in bra and briefs.

He took a moment to decide that he no longer detested the uniform, now that he 
*could* remove Kathryn's. He reached around her to unclasp her bra, drawing the 
straps down and away. Her skin was creamy and smooth, accented here and there 
with a scattering of beauty marks. He smiled to himself as he thought how 
appropriate the description was.

Kathryn's breasts perfectly suited her slender frame, and his hands rose of 
their own accord to cup them. His thumbs stroked the dark pink of the aureoles, 
teasing the peaks with the edges of his nails. Her approval was expressed in 
gasps and the grasp of her hands on his forearms.

Chakotay leaned down a moment to press a kiss above her heart. As he 
straightened he slid his hands down her sides to her panties and removed them. 
His eyes feasted on the downy brown triangle the motion revealed.

Her legs and arms had an airy grace to them, the lightly-muscled limbs drawing 
his vision along their smooth lines. Her waist was slim, while her hips and 
belly showed a feminine roundness that pleased the eye.

Chakotay traced his hands up Kathryn's midriff to skim the outsides of her 
breasts, then onward to her shoulders and along delicate collarbones to her pale 
throat. He was amazed at how different she seemed without the Starfleet armor. 
Softer, as if she'd consciously relaxed to let some inner vulnerability show.

She gave him a kiss, then took one of his hands in hers and led him to the bed.

***************

Kathryn laid back on the coverlet, and felt Chakotay's weight send her deeper 
into the mattress. He wasn't crushing her, though she would have welcomed it. 
Instead he was perched on his elbows, his legs straddling hers.

His fingers tucked a few strands of hair behind her ears, then he shifted to 
continue exploring her body. He rubbed his cheek against hers, then drifted down 
to travel her jawline with his lips.

She was learning the satiny contours of Chakotay's back, feeling his shoulder 
blades rise and settle as he moved down to devour her throat.

That was the only word she could think of to describe it as she moaned and 
arched into the tender assault of lips and tongue and teeth. Chakotay claimed 
its length, then returned again, his open mouth drawing on her flesh in one long 
erotic caress.

His journey to her breasts was an exquisite exercise in patience, as he nuzzled 
his way to the valley between them and leisurely mapped the expanse of one, then 
the other, never quite reaching Kathryn's nipples, which were achingly tight 
with arousal.

She finally gave a frustrated sound and sank one hand into his hair, centering 
his wicked mouth over one taut peak. She could feel his smile against her skin 
as he responded with a sound of his own, something between a chuckle and a 
growl. Then he proceeded to suckle the pebbled flesh, mixing kisses and licks 
with fleeting nips.

The sensations were incredible, and Kathryn was shocked by her own loud moans. 
When Chakotay laid a wet trail from one breast to the other she arched into him, 
hands trembling. She could sense the liquid from her core gathering, hot and 
damp between her legs.

As if he sensed her readiness, Chakotay moved downward, sliding his knees 
between hers as she opened for him, burning for his touch. He rubbed his cheek 
against her mound, startling her with the unexpected caress.

Kathryn arched again, urging him to her, eager for consummation. She felt his 
lips and tongue exploring her most intimate places, learning their texture and 
shape. She almost screamed as he sucked at the bud of her desire.

***************

Chakotay teased Kathryn's flesh, his tongue swiping against the moist inner 
walls to taste her essence. One hand stroked her hip and stomach, soothing, 
while the other approached her core, carding through the soft brown hair and 
circling her center.

He didn't want there to be any pain in their joining, so he carefully eased a 
finger into his beloved's body. He caressed and prepared secret places, pleased 
to feel her hips lifting to his touch. He added another finger and began pumping 
to an ancient rhythm, his mouth drawing on her clitoris in time with the 
movements of his hand.

The clench of muscles around his fingers soon rewarded him as Kathryn shrieked, 
her body rising off the bed as she was lost in the throes of orgasm. The 
tightness of her internal grip made his body ache to be buried within its hot 
depths.

He coaxed her reactions to continue, feeling them shiver through the body 
beneath him. When she was done he withdrew his fingers and lapped up the 
glistening fluids. He felt her shudder once more and raised himself up to lie 
chest to chest.

Kathryn looked so beautiful he simply stared, burning the image into his memory. 
Her face was flushed and glowing, her hair slightly damp with sweat. Her eyes 
were soft with pleasure, dreamy and sated. When her gaze met his she gave him 
her crooked smile, shook her head and whispered, "Wow."

Chakotay chuckled and brushed his lips against hers. He was thrilled when she 
laid her palms against his face to hold him there, deepening the kiss. They 
shared flavors, tongues mating in a primal dance.

He was caught by surprise when Kathryn flipped them, straddling him without ever 
breaking the kiss. Her hands moved down to tease his nipples while she rubbed 
her wet center tantalizingly along the length of his engorged shaft. He groaned, 
deep in his throat, and lifted his hands to cup her buttocks and stroke the 
backs of her thighs.

Kathryn lifted her head and with a wicked smile descended on his throat and 
shoulders, her teeth working at the skin. He moaned and tilted his head back to 
give her better access, shivering in pleasure.

***************

Kathryn licked at the hollow of Chakotay's throat, the salt of his sweat 
tingling on her tongue. With hands and mouth she began to roam his torso, loving 
the feel of the warm silky skin under hers. He glowed against her pale fingers, 
the contrast of their coloring exciting her.

Chakotay gasped when she licked his left nipple and cooled it with a breath. 
When her mouth surrounded it once more he gasped and lifted them both as his 
back bowed in reaction.

She followed the curves of his pectorals, sliding her chin along the valley 
bisecting them. Her fingers flowed along the gentle waves of his abdomen and 
ribs, as her mouth continued down the center to reach his navel. Kathryn bit the 
tender flesh there, sucking strongly, leaving her mark, reveling in his groans.

She lifted her pelvis, carefully rising to bypass Chakotay's cock and lower 
herself onto his strong thighs. The dusky length of his manhood jutted proudly, 
the head glistening with the precum that had beaded and dripped down along the 
thick vein.

Kathryn gripped Chakotay's hips. Just before she pounced she glanced up to see 
his rapt face, his eyes smoldering as he watched her, his lips slightly parted. 
Licking her own, she first sampled the texture of his scrotum, nuzzling behind 
it and feeling his legs shift restlessly between her straddling thighs.

She smiled as she heard him groan, "Spirits, Kathryn." A short trip brought her 
to the base of his shaft, and she leisurely traveled upward with her lips and 
tongue. When she grazed the underside of the glans with her teeth he moaned and 
bucked despite the way she was holding him down. She sucked the precum from the 
slit, scooping her tongue into the tiny opening, enjoying the salty-sweet 
flavor. With a last kiss she moved upward once more to claim Chakotay's lips, 
thrusting her tongue against his.

Her moan disappeared down his throat when he sucked her tongue into his mouth, 
playing. His hands teased her breasts, flicking her nipples and running his 
fingers just underneath their weight.

Grabbing his shoulders and gripping his hips with her knees, Kathryn let herself 
fall to the bed, rolling them so Chakotay was on top once more.

She broke their kiss and stared into his eyes. "Now, Chakotay."

***************

His body was quivering with anticipation heightened by all the stimulation. He 
wanted to plunge into Kathryn, to brand her as his own.

Instead, Chakotay slid his arms underneath her slim back, his hands cradling the 
back of her head. He initiated a tender kiss as he slowly eased his way into his 
beloved's body, sensing the slickness and heat of the passage yielding to his 
advance.

When his cock rested deep within Kathryn he paused and tipped his head up, 
watching her face for any sign of discomfort. Instead his gaze was met with an 
equal mix of passion and tenderness.

He started to move slowly, sliding out of and back into the niche that seemed 
crafted for him alone, so perfectly did their flesh merge together. Chakotay 
felt Kathryn's hands grip his shoulders as her hips began to lift to meet his 
thrusts.

They sped up, finding a new tempo as the fire burned hotter in them both. They 
panted and clutched, striving to get even closer as the burn of release built in 
their veins.

Chakotay held on, his strokes strong and sure, as he waited for Kathryn to lead 
the way. He felt the slender body in his arms gather itself.

Suddenly Kathryn was screaming underneath him as her head flung back, her arms 
and legs tightening around him even as the slick walls of her passage contacted, 
demanding his own release.

He felt the liquid fire in his veins race to his center, only to rush out of his 
cock as he plunged forward again and again, spilling his hot seed into Kathryn 
with a roar of ecstasy.

Chakotay sensed her still grasping him, externally and internally, as he bowed 
his head upon her breast, sated and spent, his mind and heart and soul at last 
at peace.

***************

Kathryn felt Chakotay's lips again brushing a kiss over her heart and wondered 
again if she was in shock. Never in her life had she made love like this, with 
such passion and excitement, with such a powerful climax. She was still enjoying 
the aftershocks, even as her legs relaxed their grip on Chakotay's hips.

She thought she had been satisfied by her previous lovers, but now she knew 
better. Desire had blazed through her blood, driving her to match Chakotay on 
every level. The buildup of tension had been an agony of anticipation, the climb 
up the precipice. At the moment of completion she had flung herself screaming 
into a firestorm of pure pleasure. And now she was suffused with warmth and 
wonder.

Her hands wandered to Chakotay's head, stroking soothingly along his nape and 
smoothing his hair. She hoped his experience had been as profound, that he had 
felt the same white-hot forging of a bond between them.

Kathryn had her answer as soon as Chakotay shifted to look into her eyes. His 
own held a mix of warm tenderness and fiery passion, blending into love. He 
smoothed the hair away from her face once more, gently running his fingers over 
the contours of cheek and jaw. His voice was a soft stroke of velvet as he said, 
"I love you, Kathryn, my fierce Woman Warrior." Then Chakotay smiled at her.

She lifted her hands to cradle his face, dipping her thumbs delicately into his 
adorable dimples. "I love you, Chakotay. I hope the Angry Warrior has found all 
that he hoped for." They kissed, then Kathryn drew back to stare into her love's 
eyes. "Will you marry me?"

Kathryn almost laughed at Chakotay's shocked expression. But after a moment he 
raised a brow and she could see the mischief sparkling once more. "For a year 
and a day?" he asked silkily.

She gripped the back of his neck firmly, and struggling to keep her face solemn 
replied, "You obviously have a lot to learn about Irish legends. When the lovers 
come together, they plight their troth for forever and a day."

Chakotay kept Kathryn close as he reversed their positions once more. He sighed 
as he leaned up, kissed the tip of her nose and said, "Then that's how long 
you'll have me, Kathryn. We have a lifetime of dreams to make come true."

Kathryn relaxed against Chakotay's chest as she sensed him wrap the covers 
around them like a cocoon. She felt his hands stroking her back, his arms 
encircling her in warmth, in love. She said, "So the Woman Warrior and the Angry 
Warrior built a life together among the stars." She felt Chakotay's smile in his 
kiss upon her brow. She snuggled closer to him and sighed, "How I love a happy 
ending."

THE END