When I Couldn’t See by Angel of Ice Disclaimer- Gundam Wing and “Thank You For Loving Me” are owned by Sunrise and Bon Jovi. I have no claim to them although I think Gundam Wing is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Heck, who needs sliced bread when you can have Gundam Wing??? A/N- The concept probably has been done before but when I was listening to this song, it totally inspired me to write this. This is a reflective piece, with Zechs thinking about Noin after they’re married and all she has done for him. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I stood in the shadows of the doorway, leaning against the wall, watching her hold our firstborn daughter. Meluana, we named her. She had insisted on it because it was her own mother’s name. And her mother had died to save her when she was only a child. I gave a silent prayer of thanks to the senior Meluana. For if she hadn’t sacrificed her life for her daughter…I would still be lost. If Lucrezia Noin had never entered my life, I don’t know where I would be. Probably another anonymous soldier on the cold battlefield, who’s existence only focused on bitter survival. I would be condemned to spend the rest of my life the way I deserved, alone and haunted. Having her enter my life was a miracle, in which I now believe in.  It's hard for me to say the things I want to say sometimes There's no one here but you and me And that broken old street light I had never meant to have her come into my world. Even when I was only a young teenager, I was prepared to live as a trained warrior, which meant no human emotion would be allowed. I had accepted the fact that I would never fall in love, because love was weak. Therefore, I was caught in surprise when I started having those feelings towards the raven-haired cadet who befriended me when nobody would. Because even though I resolved to stay distant, a deep part of me longed for human companionship. Now I believe that every person needs love. I see the way Heero looks at my sister, I see Duo and Hilde laughing…I saw the way Treize smiled at Lady Une. Every person needs the warmth…even me. I had never thrived on light though. My entire life was drenched in darkness and revenge. I wore solitude as a cloak. Hence my life was changed dramatically when I fell in love with Lucrezia Noin. Lock the doors We'll leave the world outside All I've got to give to you Are these five words She became my light. And then, my existence wasn’t so bitter after all, it lost a bit of the darkness it had captured for so many years. She was my saviour, my reason, my hope and my everything. I would’ve and still would do anything for her. But alas, under the circumstances, I could not. Or rather, I would not. I did not believe myself to be worthy of this golden light nor did I want to taint it with the blood my life was flowing with. She was too pure. Even though she was a soldier as I was, she wasn’t meant for it. She had a heart that would never even fathom destructing an entire planet. And the fact that we were soldiers blocked any chance of love. It was just not part of a combatant’s fate. I focused my entire existence on the revenge I had vowed for so long and the protection of my dear sister, Relena. I pushed her away so much, I still feel guilty to this day. Thank you for loving me For being my eyes When I couldn't see For parting my lips When I couldn't breathe Thank you for loving me But it was for her own good. It was what I believed for so long. I invited the blackness into my life and pushed out every snatch of light. It was then that I became so restless. The darkness of my life and the Zero System was probably what led me to my ultimatum of destroying the earth. I saw the horror in her eyes as I threatened to kill her…I still dream of it sometimes. And every time I did, I would wake up in a cold sweat, glance at her body next to make sure that she was still alive and then, I would hold her close and whisper in her ear as she slept…that I never meant to try. And that I was sorry. But sorry would never be enough. I knew that and as much as she tried to convince me that she understood and forgave me, a simple inclusive apology would never make up for the hell that I had brought upon her and the rest of the world. I still owed life so much in apology but instead of punishing, it gave me her. The gift of her love is a gift that I will never take for granted anymore. And during the time where I hid under the pretense of death, I dreamed of her. Out of a desperate whim, I bought a ring for her. The months after, I mocked myself for purchasing it and for even thinking about asking her to join my life. I swore that I would never give her the ring, and I put the small box away. It did not see the light for months. I never knew I had a dream Until that dream was you When I look into your eyes The sky's a different blue Cross my heart I wear no disguise If I tried, you'd make believe That you believed my lies And when it finally surfaced, I had returned from the “dead” and the whole showdown with Dekim Barton was over. Relena had approached me with the Martian Terraformation Project and I agreed that I would go. I wanted to, for once, build something instead of tear it down. Then I had asked Noin to come with me. I felt foolish and selfish for doing so but she did come. And on the shuttle to Mars, she finally convinced me that she would truly never leave my side. It was then that I gave her the ring and asked her to marry me. She had kissed me and cried and I had held her and thought that for once, maybe my life would be good again. It wasn’t until another five months that we were married. It was a small communion, set on the dusty grounds of Mars. The Gundam pilots, Relena, Sally, Lady Une, Dorothy and Hilde had all attended. I did not notice them though, my entire attention was bestowed on the remarkable and beautiful woman who was promising to spend the rest of her life with me. Thank you for loving me For being my eyes When I couldn't see For parting my lips When I couldn't breathe Thank you for loving me And then finally, we belonged to eachother. Our first time was beautiful, I cannot begin to describe it so I won’t even try. She was blazing that night, the perfect fire. I had never loved her more and would then never love her any less. She was the most valuable thing that I owned and would ever own. I had given in and fallen in love. And I will never regret doing so. Her light enfolded me. Whenever I felt the guilt and pain would never cease to torment me, she would be there. She would say in that harsh but tender tone that I had to stop blaming myself for things that were destined to happen. It was war after all, she always told me, and that lives had to be lost. She would time and time again rectify the ghosts that would pay their visits. Our marriage wasn’t always easy. Life was not a cliché fairy tale. There were things we needed to fix, promises that needed to be made, confessions needed to give. I had to work to provide her with the love she deserved and she had to work to help soothe my agonized soul. Some nights were spent in tears and silence but most were beautiful. And it was that way just because she was there. You pick me up when I fall down You ring the bell before they count me out If I was drowning you would part the sea And risk your own life to rescue me Three months after our wedding, we found out she was pregnant. She was thrilled but I was a little apprehensive. What if this child turned out the way I did, I thought but she laughed and kissed me and asked if my life was truly that horrible right now. I shook my head and returned her kiss and then she sobered and told me that we would raise this child right. It would be our way of setting everything correct. If this child succeeded, my debt to the world would be paid. Nine months later, I was cursing pregnancy and childbirth in general. It was actually pretty amusing now that I look back on it. I turned from Zechs Merquise, ace pilot to Zechs Merquise, panicked father-to-be. And when the actual labour began, I think Noin was calmer than I was. But she gave birth to our beautiful daughter, Meluana. She had my hair and her eyes. It was the perfect blend. I had held Meluana in my arms and prayed that this child would never have to face the horrors of war. I vowed to make sure my daughter never would have to see the pain of battle. Then I had kissed Noin on her forehead and promised that I would never stop loving her. Lock the doors We'll leave the world outside All I've got to give to you Are these five words And I never would. She was my everything. She opened my eyes to the beauty of life when I couldn’t see. She showed me that I could help build life, rather than destroy it. She showed me love and I intended on making every single ounce of pain she had experienced, up to her. Lucrezia Noin was my light. Without her, I would be blind and lost. I would be nothing. She had given me everything, for which I would never again take for granted. So all this, I thought as I stood here, watching my wife. She was truly beautiful, both inside and out. She sat on the couch, rocking Meluana to sleep. The lights were all turned off but the faint streetlights of the Martian roads shone through the window, illuminating her figure on the couch. I leaned away from the wall. Thank you for loving me For being my eyes When I couldn't see You parted my lips When I couldn't breathe Thank you for loving me Her soldier’s senses heightened as she looked up in my direction, then softened with a smile. “What are you doing, lurking in the shadows like some sort of alley cat?” she joked as I walked towards her. With my hand, I brushed those infuriating bangs out of her beautiful face. “Thinking” I replied as I sat next to her on the couch and gazed at the bundle in her arms. “Meluana’s asleep?” I asked. Noin nodded and leaned against me. I put my arm around her and drew her close. It all amounted to this, everything we had gone through led to this sense of love and contentment. I kissed her softly. She smiled and stood up to put Meluana in her crib. I waited until she was done tucking our daughter in, then kissed her as she walked back into our small living room. When I couldn't fly Oh, you gave me wings You parted my lips When I couldn't breathe Thank you for loving me... “Thank you for opening my eyes” I said to her. She laughed, “Well, who else would be willing to do it?” she asked as I grinned and drew her closer to me. As our lips met once again, I thanked God for bringing me this beautiful light. This angel who helped me to see love and life. “Thank you. For Everything." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~