.Reflection. by Angel of Ice Disclaimer- the last time I checked, I didn't own Gundam Wing. This time....I still don't.........oh the misery A/N- I loved writing "The View From Here" so much, I decided to write another reflective piece. This one's like a companion piece to "The View From Here" but it doesn't have much to do with it. Anyways, go ahead, read, think....whatever. I'm a little frustrated right now because of the lack of places where I can buy GW merchandise where I live. And my mom won't let me order it on-line...[goes off and grumbles] ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Noin sat on the couch in her apartment. She sat there stonily, staring at her hands, imagining that they were covered in blood, which they were, metaphorically speaking. Her hands looked so clean, how could she ever had killed so many people? She shook her head, trying to rid herself of those thoughts. Think about our newfound peace she told herself, but to no avail, Even with our new peace, there'll always be fights. After all, if there wasn't, who would need the Preventers? She sighed and looked away from her hands. She tilted her head and gazed out her porch window. She had forgotten to close her curtains, but it didn't matter. The stars twinkled merrily in the sky, they did not echo Lucrezia Noin's depression. The very same stars that could be seen in space. Space. The word ran through her mind. She slowly got up on shaky legs and walked towards her balcony window. She slid the window-door open and stepped outside. Noin took a deep breath and breathed in the night air, it was soothing. She gazed down at the city below, celebrations were still going on, even after two weeks. Sometimes she wished she could join them, but she knew she couldn't. She was a soldier, the mere appearance of her would scare the civilians because she would bring back memories of the war they so desperately wanted to forget. So Noin stood on the balcony alone, staring at the city. She looked up at the sky, the clear velvety black sky with its stars. And the moon......so pale. She bit her lip as tears threatened to fall. Stop it Noin, don't be weak and cry. Crying would admit to her wavering faith. But still.......the moon. It was so pale. It looked so much like......reminded her of............... She reached out an arm, imagining she was touching his silky moonlit hair. She drew her hand back sharply. You're starting to go unstable.......she scolded herself as she fought another wave of tears. "I'm fine" she told herself but a deep part of her disagreed. Noin leaned her back against the glass pane separating the balcony from the insides of her apartment. Then she slid down onto the ground. He's gone, she thought, No he isn't! Remember.......he's alive....he's just out there somewhere. She looked down at the cold stone of the balcony floor, then back at her dark surroundings. Somehow she felt safe in the shadows, like they would protect her from fear and the utter loneliness she felt sometimes. Ever since he had gone, she had no one to turn to. "Damnit Zechs, why did you have to self-detonate?" she whispered raggedly, "Do you know how much I miss you?" she asked the dark sky, searching for an answer. A sign, maybe. She had received a sign when he had self-detonated, the memory of his hoarse voice over the com-link still shook her to this day. But now she was doubting it, maybe it was just an illusion created by her grief-ridden mind. Noin bit her lip, she was beginning to doubt everything. Peace, war, Zechs.....she no longer knew what was right or what was wrong. If there was even a such thing as right and wrong. She felt so used, so betrayed. Zechs had betrayed her by going against everything he had once believed in, by leading the White Fang. Hearing his familiar voice threaten the destruction of the beautiful earth hurt her too much to describe. Just as he was hurting her now. Great, he can hurt me even when he's a million miles away and presumed dead, she thought bitterly to herself. But she didn't hate him. Sometimes she wished she could but she never seemed to be able to. Because how could you hate the one you loved? She didn't know what to think about anything anymore, all the thoughts were swirling in her head like some sort of vortex, coming out to haunt her and bite her conscience. Especially her thoughts about him. I should've told him that I loved him before he blew Epyon up, even if he's not dead, he must be so alone. She yearned to join him, wherever he was. She had vowed to stay by his side for eternity and yet, here she was, breaking that vow. He needed her, at least she hoped he did. Because God knew how much she needed him. Noin knew she sounded so obsessed but the truth was, she had dedicated so much of her life for him, it blended and became the point that he was pretty much most of her life. For as long as she could remember, almost everything she did was to benefit Zechs somehow and that just caused life and Zechs to blend into the same mirage. Noin tilted her head back, leaning it against her cold patio door. She gazed into the night sky, so peaceful. Back when the war was still going on, the sky was usually dotted with bright lights, which one could easily mistake for stars but in reality were battles occurring. Yet people continued to say it was merely starlight, they refused to meet the truth that earth and space were falling into chaos. Now that they were united again, as the Earth Sphere Unified Nation, Noin knew she didn't have to worry tremendously about having to see the bright lights up in space again. Yet deep inside, she knew it wouldn't be long until something occurred, rebellion. Haven't people by now learned from the past wars? No matter how stable peace seems, there will always be rebellion. There's no doubt about it. And people know that. Because after all, they welcomed the Preventers, even though we had weapons and still relied on military action. Because deep inside, they knew that one day, sooner or later, they would need the Preventers. They knew rebellion would soon follow. Noin sighed as she finished that train of thought. Her dark eyes scanned the sky, searching for some sort of sign again. Nothing, just dark silky velvet. Noin wrapped her arms around her knees and hugged them for warmth. Her eyes refused to look at the moon, for fear that she would lose her control if she did. She tried not to think of Zechs, and instead tried to focus her mind on the joys of their new peace. You should be happy and celebrating. Peace has been attained and even though rebellion will spark eventually, there probably won't be another war until after your lifetime. You don' t need to kill mercilessly anymore, you can protect the peace you worked so hard to obtain. And Zechs is alive, your intuition is never wrong, you learned that during the war. So why are you crying? You'll be with him one day, just not now. She wanted so badly to listen to that voice in her head. She believed in everything it said but a deep part of her could not help but let out a low cry. This new peace.....it seemed so surreal. Zechs had once told her that peace shouldn't come too easily and if it did, it would be false. Noin knew this peace had not come easily, an entire year of war, but she felt that there was strings to this, something unsteady. She closed her eyes, feeling tears of hot fire gather behind her eyelids and burn. She had been trained to be a soldier as long as she could remember, to push down ethical values and self-identity, to be yet another nameless successful soldier on the battlefield. They had told her it wasn't necessary to pursue self-identity during war, just to survive and live to fight another battle. Like a human fighting machine. Like Heero. Noin pitied the boy, he had been trained so ruthlessly. She herself was allowed more comforts to cling to, love. Heero had never felt all of those things, he had been just trained to fight. Almost like Noin but she actually vaguely remember a time before she had to worry about war, just whether she would be able to steal a loaf of bread for her dinner. Heero had been trained to be the perfect soldier ever since he could remember. Noin's heart went out to him, she held no grudge towards him for being the one Zechs fought when he self-detonated. It was pre-destined, pre-ordained that the two would end the war, who could alter destiny like that? She knew that Heero was self-righteous, he had not truly chosen the path he took. Deep beneath all the blood, he was just an innocent teenager Noin had grew beyond that. She knew what she was doing, she had a choice and she chose to fight. To take lives and crush them beneath her saber or canon or whatever she was using. She wondered for the millionth time since the war started, why she had listened to that man and enrolled in Lake Victoria Academy. Just so she could see space? She had seen it alright. It was as beautiful and breath-taking as she first imagined it, but even its brilliance was dimmed beneath her cause. All that blood, tainting the endless space sky, giving it almost a reddish hue to her. Or maybe that was Epyon she saw that gave it a red tint. Epyon, the name rang through her mind as a detestable yet awe-inspiring artifact. The system within it had driven Zechs to the point of insanity, yet she knew she couldn't blame the Zero system entirely. Zechs played a part in it, and allowed it to take over his mind and as Howard put it "to tamper with his soul". She admired Epyon yet hated it with every fiber of her being at the same time. It was the cause of the Artemis war, yet it also both it and the Eve war. Even though the Eve war had officially ended when Treize resigned, to Noin and everybody else, it felt as it still lived on, just intermingling with the Artemis war to form one tremendous war. Noin shivered as the cold wind blew past her, making her skin shiver beneath her flimsy pajamas. The wind was so much like him also, constantly moving, always changing, never remaining in the same place. Or side, as it had been with Zechs. She squeezed her eyes shut and delved deeper into her thoughts. Who am I? echoed throughout her mind. Once she thought she knew who she was, a proud soldier fighting desperately for peace. But now that peace was here.....now who was she? Or maybe she never knew who Lucrezia Noin was in the first place. Zechs wasn't the only one who wore a mask. She did too, just not physically. She hid herself and put on the ruthless soldier-esque demeanor, sacrificing everything she had believed in to fight. She had staked everything on him, and now look where she was now. Cold, shivering and lonely on her apartment balcony, staring out at the festivities below and knowing she was not welcome. Her morals, values, ethics had all vanished during the war. She had killed without second thought, only to mourn for a minute or two after, but nothing more. She no longer knew where she stood or most importantly of all, who she was. Maybe if Zechs was here, she could find the answer in him. Maybe her identity was some part of him, also. Yeah, that could be it she thought and stared out at the city lights. Maybe the war was over, but she was still here, a survivor yet not surviving the aftershocks. The deep aftershocks that ran through her soul and struck her heart like lightning. Almost the way he had. Noin got up to her feet. "Enough of this self-pity" she murmured to herself as she opened her window-door and stepped inside, giving the night sky a final look as she walked back to the warmth of her apartment. Yet to her, it felt as cold as it did outside, maybe even colder. The bright lights assaulted her eyes as they were still adjusted to the dark. She shielded them and wandered to her bedroom. She ended up standing in front of her dresser, staring at her reflection in the mirror. "Who am I?" she asked out loud, talking to her reflection as if it would give her an answer. "Who is Lucrezia Noin?". Her existence had mainly been for war before but now there was no war, so where did her existence lie? Who needed her, what use was she to this world? Noin stared at the tall woman in the mirror, the silky raven hair, pale skin and deep purple eyes. She did not seem to recognize herself all of a sudden, like she was a soul trapped in a body and yearning to be free, to get its first taste of this new world.    She may be Preventer Fire now, a peace-keeper but she was just hiding behind the identity. She didn't know whether or not the identity fit her or it was just another mask to block her from the cruel reality of the world. Noin reached out a now trembling hand and touched the mirror glass. She traced her hand along her reflection, apprehensively, as if it would dart away and she would lose the only sense of self she ever had. She pulled her fingers away and touched them to her cheek. Cold yet there was a faint wetness on her fingers. Her eyebrows furrowed as she leaned closer and ran a hand along her reflection, mainly its eyes. Her hands came away wet. Her reflection was crying. I'm going crazy, aren't I? she thought as she stumbled away and into her living room. She fell back onto her couch, where she had started this whole reflecting back business. She closed her eyes in exhaustion and didn't notice the tears falling down her cheeks as she drifted off to sleep, a deep sleep where she caught a glimpse of Zechs and true happiness. In her dream. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ A/N- well how was it? I really get a kick out of writing these reflective pieces and if you ask me, I think this one's better than "The View From Here". But then, it's only a matter of opinion so please review and tell me what you think.