Disclaimer: I am just a poor soul who dreams up odd little stories. I own only the ideas on this page; everything else belongs to Paramount.Rated NC17If it’s meant to be ….
First Place in Blue Alert Existing
Since the end of the debriefings, over six months ago, Mark and Kathryn had a standing Thursday night dinner date. Sometimes Kathryn would join him and Marlea at home with their two-year-old twins and once Kathryn had actually cooked for him, but mostly they spent a few hours just talking over dinner in some quiet restaurant.
They had seven years to catch up on and two busy careers to keep the conversation lively. Kathryn had been a busy woman since her return to the Alpha Quadrant, but lately she seemed to be more distracted than over worked.
Mark watched her toy with her food, drifting away again; there was much more on her mind then gift suggestions for his kids, even if she asked for them.
“Kath?” Mark reached across the table, taking her hand and stilling the slowly swinging fork. “Are you still with me?”
“I’m sorry, Mark. I was just thinking.” She smiled and fussed with her food. “Maybe I shouldn’t go.”
“Go? Oh, to the bachelor party?” Mark laughed “You’re the best man, you have to go.”
“It’s a silly tradition and I’m not a man!”
“Yes, I’ll give you that one, but you are his best friend and you did promise to be there.”
“I don’t even know why he is letting Tom do this.”
“My guess is he is just humoring Tom and he needs you there to keep him sane.”
“And the rest of them out of jail!”
“Well, yes, that would be probably be good too.” Mark laughed “From what I can see your former crew knows how to let their hair down. Having a famous admiral in tow can’t hurt their chances with the local authorities. Besides, how bad can it be? It’s the night before the wedding isn’t it?” Kathryn nodded as she sipped her wine. “All the more reason for you to go.”
“Why is that?”
“You can make sure they never leave the hotel, or at least make it back in time for the ceremony.”
“Would it be so bad?”
“Kath?”
“Oh, nothing. I guess I’m just in a lousy mood.” Kathryn pushed her plate away bringing the waiter immediately to her side.
“May I take that for you, ma’am?”
“Yes, I’m finished.”
“Sir?” The waiter turned toward Mark who just nodded and pushed his unfinished dinner toward the waiter. “Coffee?”
“No.” Mark answered quickly before Kathryn could respond. “I’ll take the check please.”
“No coffee? Have I been that bad a companion tonight?”
“Not at all. I just want to get out of here.” Mark paid the waiter. “I’ll buy you all the coffee you want, but let's take a walk on that beautiful beach first. OK?”
Kathryn looked out the window toward the sun slipping beyond the horizon and nodded. She and Mark used to walk on this beach a lot, it held good, warm, secure memories. He reached for her hand and Kathryn let him lead her out across the patio and down the wooden steps to the beach. For a long time they walked silently along the shoreline.
“Will you come with me?” Kathryn stopped and leaned against him.
“Where?”
‘‘To the party.”
“The bachelor party? I’m no expert but, I don’t think you’re supposed to bring a date to them.” Mark chuckled.
“Well, I’m not supposed to be a woman either but I am.”
“OK, sure, I’ll just ask my wife if I can go on a date with my former fiancé. That should work.”
“Marlea, isn’t one bit threatened by me!” Kathryn stood back with her hands on her hips. “It’s not any different than having dinner with me every week.”
“Well, with that group it just might be. After all I don’t think Marlea would quite understand bailing us out of jail.”
“We won’t go to jail! I’ll be there to keep them in line…” Kathryn blinked several times and bit into her lower lip. “and you’ll be there to keep me in line.” Kathryn turned and walked away from the shore line.
“Hey.” Mark turned her around to face him. “You’re serious about this. You really don’t want to be part of it.”
“No.” Kathryn sighed as she slumped down into the said. "I guess I really don’t.”
Marked watched her for a few minutes, a tiny figure huddled against herself, hugging her knees, so lost on this vast white beach. This was a Kathryn even he had only had occasional glimpses of, the vulnerable Kathryn that she kept so tightly locked away. He sat down beside her.
“What happened between you two anyway?”
“Nothing.” Kathryn rested her head on his shoulder.
“I’ve see how your smile brightens whenever you tell me a story about him, how you come to life when he enters a room. I hear the reverence in your voice when you say his name. I’m not imagining this, Kathryn, I know you too well for that.” He put his arm around her shoulder. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine but don’t lie to me.”
“We’re friends.”
“Yeah, so you keep telling me.”
“It’s true.”
“OK, so you’re just friends.” Mark held her tightly to his side. “Now tell me why?”
Kathryn was silent for a while but Mark knew her well enough to know she was only searching for the words; he waited.
“I was the Captain.”
“Not good enough, Kath. I know you never approved of shipboard romance but seven years is a long time and you had no guarantee you would ever make it home.
“That’s the point. At first I was sure we would get home, I pushed everyone to believe in it. It kept us going out there and at times there was very little else. By the time I was ready to accept that we may never see the alpha quadrant again, it was too late.”
“Too late, how? Was there someone else in his life?”
“No- well, occasionally, but nothing serious.”
“Some one in yours?”
“Nothing important there either.”
“Nothing important? I take it that means being Captain didn’t completely isolate you.”
“As far as the crew was concerned it did—at least the type of isolation you’re talking about!” Kathryn gave him a playful push and a laugh that was clearly forced.
“So the alien of the month was a better solution than the man you are clearly in love with?”
“No, it only made it worse.”
“Kathryn, tell him.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Of course you can, you owe this to yourself…. You owe it to him to be honest with him before it’s too late.”
“The wedding is a little over a week away—it’s already too late.”
“No it isn’t. If it’s meant to be. If he feels the same way the timing won’t matter.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“It still won’t matter. If he truly loves her this won’t change a thing. You’ve never been a coward, Kath. Knowing is better than spending the rest of your life wondering if it could have been different.”
“He’s on assignment, he’s not even due back till the day of the party.”
“You’re an important Admiral, I’m sure you have access to proper transmission codes. Hail him.”
“Oh yes. ‘Starfleet headquarters to Voyager. Level 10 priority transmission. Captain Chakotay, I love you. Admiral Janeway out.” Although her voice dripped with sarcasm watery pools fill the sad blue eyes. “ I don’t think so.”
“Think about it, Kath.”
“I’ve done little else for months.” She pulled away and looked up at him. “Will you come with me? I’m not sure I can get through this alone.”
“Of course I will, Kath." He shook his head. “You know I could never say no to you.”
“That’s what I love about you.” Kathryn gave him a sad smile.
“I love you too, Kath, but…" Mark stood up, brushed off the sand and offered her his hand. “Right now I better get home and think of a way to explain our date to my wife without ending up in divorce court!”
~~~^^^~~~
A week later, Kathryn showed up at the bachelor party on Mark’s arm, it raised a few eyebrows but no one openly questioned it.
“About time you got here.” Tom greeted them and promptly dragged Kathryn to a table in the center of the room. “OK everyone, she’s here get in line.” He eased Kathryn into a chair at the table and handed her a stack of papers.
“What’s all this?”
“It the ‘Bachelor oath of secrecy’. Each of these guys has to sign it and as best man you have to witness each signature.”
Kathryn looked over the document shaking her head as she passed a copy to Mark to read.
I will not, in any way, take pictures with people of the opposite sex, those who look female and may have had a sex change or any animals while the Bachelor party is in progressI will act like I am five and promote immature behavior including loud, obnoxious outbursts.
I will consume alcoholic beverages and promote drunkenly misconduct in the safest and most appropriate fashion.
I will back up my fellow-Bachelor Brethren and always provide wingman-ship, even if it means hanging with an ugly fat bearded lady for a few hours!
A Bachelor Brethren who has too much alcohol or has poor taste and is speaking with fat, ugly chicks for more than one minute must be escorted back to the group of Bachelor Brethren for protection and to save himself from embarrassment (which would have possibly occurred the following morning).
Before signing the document below, I will say out loud, "What happens at the Bachelor party STAYS at the Bachelor party!"
“Oh dear god what have I gotten into?” Kathryn whispered to Mark as each man recited the oath, solemnly signed his paper and submitted it for her signature.“I’m not sure, but I’m sticking with you- at least I won’t get accused of hanging with fat ugly chicks!”
Most to the party passed uneventfully, stupid and thankfully harmless practical jokes and drinking games were the order of the night. Kathryn sipped her wine and managed to slip quietly into the background for most of the evening.
Mark excused himself early, explaining to everyone’s delight that his wife only allowed him to date until midnight. When the whoops and hollers subsided, he handed Kathryn over to Chakotay who promised to safely deliver her to her room.
Mark had only been gone a few minutes when the room suddenly went dark.
“Gentlemen...” Tom’s voice boomed across the darkness. “oh and lady…” He aimed his wrist light directly into Kathryn’s face as he bowed unsteadily in her direction. “please turn on your wrist lights and shine them toward the stage.” Tom turned and shined his light on makeshift platform. “Let's have a big welcome for Shata the Orian slave girl!”
Kathryn couldn’t hold back her laughter as Harry and Tom tried to help the scantily clad green woman onto the wobbly stage.
“I don’t know about you, but I think I’m ready to go.” Chakotay slipped into the chair beside her.
“And pass up this wonderful entertainment?”
“It’s difficult but I’ll manage.”
“Won’t they miss you?”
“I doubt it.” Chakotay took her hand and led her out of the darkened room.
“Shata the Orian slave girl?” Kathryn rolled her eyes as they made their escape in the lift.
“Every bachelor party needs a stripper –or so I’m told.”
“Well, maybe but the least he could have done was get a real Orian; Her green was peeling off.”
“I don’t think they’ll notice.”
They laughed as they walked along the corridor Chakotay’s arm wrapped snugly around her shoulder. It was a warm, friendly gesture worthy of they long relationship, an expression of caring they were both happy to finally be free to express.
“So, what is with you and Mark? Or shouldn’t I ask?”
“Nothing, we’re just friends.”
“Friends that have dinner every week and, well, forgive me, but tonight looked suspiciously like a date.”
“Oh, have you been checking up on me?”
“You know better.” He laughed. “I don’t have to check up on you our crew never miss an opportunity to let me know what you’re up to. I’m sure they do the same for you!”
“Yeah, they are very good at that!”
“Sooo?”
“Nothing, really. We have dinner once a week, sometimes with Marlea and the kids. And tonight, well I was a little uncomfortable and he came along so I didn’t feel so out of place.”
“Out of place with this bunch, how could you be out of place?”
“You may not have noticed but, I’m not really one of the guys.”
“Yeah.” Chakotay stepped back and smiled. “And in that dress I’m sure no one missed that point!” He looked her up and down. “What’s under that thing anyway?”
They had reached Chakotay’s room and Kathryn thought not a moment too soon.
“Here you go.” She smiled as she neatly avoided his question. “I’ve done my duty as best man and delivered the groom to his room safe and sound.”
“You always were part captain, part mother.” Chakotay smiled as he bent to kiss her cheek.
Kathryn closed her eyes savoring the feel of him as he pulled her close, his soft lips grazed her cheek, his warm breath sent a shiver down her spine. She wondered if he could feel her heart pounding as her arms held him to her just a moment to long.
Chakotay pulled back slowly. They were two old friends sharing a warm embrace in the middle of a public hallway—why did it feel like so much more? Kathryn felt warm and soft and inviting, her arms held him tightly against her, reluctantly he lifted his lips from her face.
Kathryn’s one hand moved up behind his head, a gently pressure holding him still, their faces just inches apart. Even with her eyes closed, Kathryn could picture his face, those full moist lips only millimeters from hers; she stopped breathing. His warm breath caressed her face and when she opened her eyes she saw her own passion reflected in those deep brown pools; she knew she couldn’t just walk away.
“I don’t want to be your captain or your mother.” She whispered as she increased the pressure slowly lowering his face to hers.
It was gentle; the first touch of her lips to his, he didn’t respond but he didn’t move away so she continued. Her lips moved slowly against his mouth savoring the moist luscious lips she had so longed to caress. A swell of emotions carried her forward, she knew at any moment he could end this, but before he did she needed, just once, to taste him. Kathryn’s tongue gently traced the fullness of his mouth, slipping past his slightly parted lips to tangle with his surprisingly eager tongue.
Chakotay’s arms tightened around her, his tongue brushed past her teeth and flicked hers. He was lost in the moment and in this moment he held everything he has always longed for. He could feel her heart beating against his chest as his hands gently explored places he’d touched only in his dreams. Kathryn’s body trembled in his arms and nothing existed but his need to posses this woman. Why had he ever thought he could live without her; nothing else in his life mattered if he couldn’t have Kathryn.
Pressed tightly against him Kathryn could feel his response throbbing against her belly, her body trembled, a low moan tearing from deep in her throat. How had she lived with out him –how would she…. Kathryn pushed away a thought. She concentrated instead on the feel of him, the strong arms holding her trembling body, big hands spreading fire with every gentle touch, his tongue dancing with hers…
Chakotay stepped back breaking the kiss, holding her shoulders until she steadied herself and opened her eyes.
“Come inside.” One hand left her to open the door behind him.
“I should go…”
“Kathryn, please...”
Kathryn walked past him into the room and stood motionless only a few feet from the door. She heard him close the door, then the click of the old fashion lock as it tumbled into place. He was behind her, she knew, close but not quite touching her then his hands caressed the bare skin of her shoulders his lips pressed warmly into the back of her neck; Kathryn sighed.
Chakotay’s fingers moved down her arms dragging the straps of the dress with it. The searing pleasure of his mouth as it moved over her skin only made her hunger for more. There was something that told her this couldn’t happen but she pushed it away and reached behind her quickly opening the fasteners on her dress letting let it fall as she turned to face him.
Chakotay’s hands fell to his side as Kathryn moved out of his grasp. For a moment he though she would push him away yet again. Instead she turned to face him. His breath caught as the dress fell away leaving her standing naked, except for skimpy black panties, and four-inch heels.
Chakotay stood still drinking in the sight of her. His eyes caressed every inch of her exposed flesh traveling the curve of her neck to the smooth full slope of her breasts, slowly he followed the nearly flat plain of her stomach to edge of the lacy panties; he need to touch her. The creamy white of her breasts rising and falling, as she concentrated on her own mission, drew him like a magnet. With a barely perceptible touch, his fingers grazed the dusky pink nubs watching them tighten as she pressed them forward arching into his hand.
The touch of his gaze was dizzying Kathryn could feel the heat of his eyes as they roved her body. Kathryn struggled to concentrate on freeing him from the confines of the fabric that denied her equal pleasure. The sudden electric shock of his fingertips as they moved over, barely touching her nipples broke her concentration eliciting a small sound; she arched instinctively into his touch. Chakotay’s mouth followed his fingers and Kathryn was nearly lost to the sensation. She pushed him back breaking the contact and he stared at her confusion clouded his smoky eyes.
“I need to touch you, Chakotay, help me.”
Kathryn anxiously fumbled with the buttons on his shirt. Chakotay stopped her. It was Kathryn’s turn to hesitate but the heated look in his eyes reassured her. He quickly shed his clothing, smiling as he brought her hands back to rest on is chest.
Kathryn’s small hands roamed hungrily over his naked body, ever so lightly her pale white fingertips grazed over his golden flesh. Bending slightly, she touched her mouth to a flat nipple feeling it stiffen and earning her a small groan. His hands tangled in her hair, his body shuddering as her mouth continued to explore him. Kathryn let herself slip lower, falling to her knees at the perfect height. She nuzzled the course hairs with her nose, her slim fingers dancing lightly over his erection. Kathryn pulled her head back and looked up at him, with a crooked smile and wanton eyes she watched him as her tongue stretched out to dance along the bulging head.
Chakotay felt himself swell even more as he watched her tongue reach toward him, the anticipation alone nearly pushed him over. Kathryn’s fingers caressed him as her tongue danced in fiery licks around his pulsating member and then the warm velvet of her mouth closed around him. Chakotay gritted his teeth, his head fell back and his hands once again tangled in her hair. His hips rocked involuntarily as she dragged him to the edge and held him there. He wanted her to continue, he was desperate to stop her; Chakotay forced himself to step back. Slowly he drew Kathryn back to her feet and held her still as he fought to regain control.
Kathryn knew how far she had pushed him; she smiled as she watched his face. Eyes close, he struggled for control one breath at a time. Kathryn felt him trapped between their bodies, throbbing hard against her belly. She was tempted to reach between them but that would end this far too quickly, she forced herself to be still. Finally, she worked one hand free and reached up to gently trace the deep blue lines on his forehead.
When he dared to open his eyes, she was watching him, delicate fingers caressing his face, crooked smile and lustful eyes. He kissed her, gently at first growing demanding as his mouth moved over hers easing it open, sucking his own taste from her tongue. Chakotay's hands skimmed over her naked skin feeling Kathryn quiver under his touch. He lifted her out of her shoes and carried her to his bed. Chakotay placed Kathryn on the bed and stepped back, he needed to see her, wanted to know, by sight and touch, every inch of her.
Kathryn lay unashamedly naked across his bed, the pure creamy white of her skin covered by only the tiniest of black lace panties. Her body tingled in anticipation as she watched his slow advance. The golden fingers lightly caressed her face slowly moving down her neck, across her shoulder. Her chest rose and fell with short breaths as his fingertips caressed the sides of her breasts. Kathryn groaned as his mouth covered her nipple, his tongue stroking, teasing fueling the desire coursing through her. Her fingers dug into his head holding him to her, her back arched forcing her breast deeper into his mouth; he slowly sucked her. Her hips bucked in a futile effort to make contact, but he held his body just out of reach. Kathryn whimpered with growing arousal, desperately her own hand moved down her body to the junction of her thighs, her fingers gliding easily through her abundant moisture seeking to quench her frantic need.
Chakotay lifted his head smiling at her impatience; his fingers caressing her breast as he slid lower watching the slim knowing fingers, learning the pattern that caused her body to writhe. Kathryn moaned spreading her thighs wider, crying out when he abruptly lifted her hand away, but then he blew soft warm air against her quivering flesh and she gasped. He lowered his face to her; his tongue stretching out to lap the fragrant essence of her in long strong stokes.
Kathryn gasped, her hips jerked upward urging him on. He pushed her back to the bed, holding her there as his mouth devoured her most sensitive flesh, his tongue tasting, exploring, driving her higher then easing her down. Kathryn’s head tossed side to side her hands grasped the air, the sheets, wildly trying to hold on. She cried out as his tongue thrust into her again and again. Her hips wildly bucked against his restraint, his fingers plunged into her as he mouth closed over her aching center. Kathryn’s world shattered as she screamed his name, her body bucking with such force he had to fight to stay with her.
Kathryn was gasping for breath trying to force her heart to slow its beat, when it began anew. His tongue eased across the too sensitive flesh, she wanted to stop him but unbelievably it started again. All to rapidly he had her shamelessly begging, frantically pulling at his hair trying to drag his mouth away, needing desperately to know the feel of him throbbing inside her.
Chakotay lifted his face. Following the urgings of her tugging hands and whimpering pleas he moved up her body, but he wouldn’t let her hurry him. Slowly he kissed his way up her smooth belly, licking her breasts as she tossed, groping at him, her legs reaching up trying to pull him to her.
Kathryn’s hands clutched at him, snaking between them and stretching out until her fingers final contacted his penis. She raised her hips and with determined fingertips she guided him toward wet heat. Unable to force their joining, she groaned in frustration and wrapped her legs around him. He had moved slowly up her body until his lips once again captured her mouth, then he gave her what she begged for. His hips pushed forward penetrating her fully in one smooth thrust.
Kathryn gasped and he stilled allowing them both to concentrate on the sensation created as her tight hot walls slowly stretched to fully encase him. Kathryn rocked her hips and he moved gently with her. When she increased the motion and he began slowly thrusting. Her nails dug into his back, she pulled her mouth from his, moaning then hissing her desires hotly into his ear. He was pumping, harder, faster at her urging; she matched him until her whole body stiffened then flew into a wild frenzy, clenching and unclenching around him until he could hold back no longer and cried out as he spurted his hot fluid deep inside her.
Chakotay rolled to his side taking her with him. They murmured the long forbidden words, the feelings, the fears the promises, too long unspoken. Inquisitive hands touched and stroked smooth moist skin until they drifted off to sleep.
Kathryn stretched aware only of a safe, warm feeling of contentment as her mind slowly returned to a conscious state. She didn’t know the last time she felt this peaceful and right now, she didn’t care all she wanted to do was savor it.
It was the movement on the other side of the bed that finally startled her into full awareness and the memories of the previous night raced and collided in her mind.
Oh god what had she-they done? Kathryn lay still hoping to buy some time to compose her thoughts. How did he feel this morning? Did he hate her? Last night she certainly would have leaned more toward love, he had said as much, but in the cold light of day – his wedding day…
Chakotay shifted interrupting her thoughts. Instinctively, Kathryn’s eyes opened; he was watching her. Deep sad brown eyes bore down on her shattering the remnants of her warm glow of contentment, fading out her momentary bliss as reality slowly settled in.
“It was wrong, Kathryn—we had no right.” He eyes held tightly to hers. Gone were any signs of the long friendship they shared, of the love they had once hoped for and so recently professed, there was nothing left but a cold empty void.
Kathryn was the first to turn away; she couldn’t bear the pain in his eyes nor the knowledge that she had put it there. She grabbed the blanket off the foot of the bed and wrapped herself in it. Quickly, she gathered her discarded clothes and escaped into the bathroom.
Kathryn looked in the mirror. What kind of woman had she become? Chakotay, sweet honorable Chakotay, was getting married in just a few hours. She had seen his despair, felt his pain and yet she couldn’t bring her self to condemn what they had done. Kathryn leaned closer and examined her reflection; she didn’t look evil, yet she didn’t feel remorse.
The noise in the outer room forced her away from her thoughts. She pulled on her clothes, splashed water on her face and took a deep breath as she exited the bathroom.
It was darker out here; Chakotay hadn’t bothered with the lights. He was standing by the window staring out into the cold gray drizzle of the foggy early morning.
“Chakotay….” Kathryn took a tentative step in his direction, he didn’t respond. Instead he rested his head against the window pane and sighed. Kathryn picked up her shoes and moved toward the door.
“Maybe we didn’t have the right to make love, Chakotay, but I will never believe it was wrong.” Kathryn opened the door. “I’ll see you at the ceremony.” She let the door close behind her.
~~~^^^~~~
When Kathryn arrived in lower lobby there was a small crowd milling about in front of the chapel doors. She squared her shoulders and put a smile on her face. As she came closer to the crowd she realized something wasn’t right. Mike Ayala spotted her and came forward
“Admiral, we have a problem.”
“What’s wrong, Mike?” He didn’t answer just guided her into a small room. “Mike, what is it?”
“Chakotay….’
“What’s wrong?” Her voice was louder then she meant it to be and the panic was evident. “Has something happened to him?”
“Shh, Admiral.” Mike closed the door. “He’s OK. Well, I’ve seen him and he’s fine but something is definitely wrong.”
“Mike, you aren’t making any sense. What is going on?”
“I mean he’s OK. But he left.”
“He left? Left what?”
“He came down here and … I don’t now what happened. He was nervous and well I expected that. But then he went down the hall to where Seven –er- Annika was getting ready and…”
“And what?”
“I wasn’t there but Irene said he barged in demanding to speak with her…
“Irene?”
“No, Seven-er Annika.” Mike took a deep breath. “The wedding is off. He told Seven he couldn’t marry her and he left.”
“Ohmygod!” Kathryn let herself fall into the chair. “Where is he?”
“I don’t know where he is but Irene has been looking for you.”
“Me?!”
“Yes, Seven kinda lost it she… I don’t know, but Irene wanted you to help.”
“I have to find him.” Kathryn opened the door nearly colliding with Irene on her way in.
“Oh, Kathryn, thank god you’re here.”
“Irene!”
“Annie needs you.” Irene gently pushed her toward the door. “I don’t know how to handle her.”
“Mike, find him!” Kathryn ordered as she left.
Kathryn tried to pull her thoughts together as Irene guided her past the curious crowd outside the empty chapel. No one seemed upset by this turn of events but many looked confused. B’Elanna tried to ask her something but Irene kept moving almost pushing Kathryn through the door.
The room was a mess, very, very different from the neat and orderly presence Kathryn had come to expect of Seven. It wasn’t just untidy, some one had set about creating this havoc she waded through. The bed had been striped, its coverings strewn around the room, Kathryn stepped over the discarded breakfast dishes.
“She’s locked in there.” Irene pointed toward the closed door as she shook out the white dress and put it back on the hanger. “When she finished here she locked herself in there.”
“Seven.” Kathryn knocked on the door. “Seven, let me in-please.” The door clicked and Kathryn took a deep breath before she turned the knob.
Seven stood with her back to the door, her long blond hair disheveled, hanging loose where her wedding veil had been ripped from it.
“Seven.” Kathryn paused just inside the door.
“Admiral, I apologize. Irene should not have brought you here.” Seven straightened her shoulders but didn’t turn around. “It seems I am not a suitable companion for Chakotay after all. There will be no wedding.”
“Yes, Seven, I heard the wedding has been … postponed.”
“Not postponed, Admiral.” Sevens normally stiff Borg voice softened. “Chakotay can never marry me.”
“Did he say that, Seven?” Kathryn worked to keep the panic out of her voice. What had he told Seven?
“He said that he has been blinded by his own dreams that his eyes have now been opened to how unfair he has been to me and that he was wrong to ever let it get this far. He is sorry but he can not marry me.”
Seven turned around to face her and Kathryn saw the pain and anger clearly on her tear stained face. Did she know what they had done? Kathryn wondered briefly if she would meet the same fate as all those innocent objects lying smashed and scattered around their feet.
“I tried to be the woman he wanted me to be.” The big blue eyes filled with tears. “What did I do wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Kathryn’s heart ached for the heartbroken little girl that stood before her. Mygod what had they done?
“Did he tell you that? You saw him last night, did you know he would do this?”
“No, Seven. We didn’t talk about you last night.” Well that certainly was the truth. Clearly, neither of them had even considered Seven or her feeling last night.
“Then why?” Seven slumped to the floor reaching out and dragging Kathryn with her.
“I don’t have answers for you, Seven.” Kathryn held her while she sobbed the last of her tears.
Kathryn looked around, she knew the catalyst for this catastrophe but she wasn’t sure she knew the reasons. There were voices behind her, Irene was explaining to someone.
“Admiral.” The Doctor carefully stepped through the rubble and crouched beside them. “I’ll take her from here.”
Kathryn nodded and Seven allowed herself to be transferred to the doctors waiting arms.
“Seven, Irene has packed you things. We’re going to take you home now.”
Kathryn watched as the doctor wiped Seven’s tear stained cheeks. She nodded and nearly smiled for him. Well, Kathryn thought at least here was someone who truly loved her. Seven would do well in his care.
Kathryn returned to her room. As she packed and changed she tried his room but got no answer. She called the desk but he had checked out over an hour ago. Kathryn left a message at his house, she checked with B’Elanna and tracked down Mike Ayala but no one knew where to find him.
~~~^^^~~~
Kathryn tried for days to contact him, but obviously he didn’t want to be found. No one had spoken to him; at least no one who was speaking to her. All her messages went unanswered and finally she planted herself outside his house until he arrived. She watched him go inside and took a few minutes to steel herself before ringing the chime.
“I know you are in there.” Kathryn rang the chime again. “Open the door! – Please.”
The door opened and he stood quietly looking down at her with empty eyes.
“May I come in?”
Chakotay didn’t answer he just stepped back and allowed her to enter. He closed the door behind her cutting off most of the light in the room. The house was as cold as the void in his eyes; Kathryn wrapped her arms around herself and surveyed the room.
“May I?” Kathryn didn’t wait for an answer she flicked on a small light and made her way across the shadowy room. “Going somewhere?” She closed the open suitcase and sat beside it on the couch.
“I do have a ship to run.”
“Not for another three weeks. I distinctly remember making sure your leave was approved.”
“The honeymoon ended before it began.” He sat in the chair across from her. “I’m returning to Voyager tonight. I’ve taken an assignment. We leave for the Guerlain colony tomorrow.”
“You’ll be gone for six months!”
“Closer to eight actually. I thought it would be better that way. Give Annika some room, let people get used to the idea.”
“I see and did you think you would just leave without even telling me?”
“I didn’t think it was necessary, you are usually so well informed as to my whereabouts.”
“Well no one is talking right now. Is this you new style? Just walking out on people?”
“I didn’t walk out on Annika. I may have been a bit short on explanation when I called off the wedding but we’ve spoken since and she understands why I have to do this.”
“I wasn’t talking about Seven; I was talking about me. I know you have gotten my messages.” Kathryn gestured toward the console across the room. “You’ve been avoiding me for days. Don’t you think we have something to talk about here?”
“No.”
“No?” Kathryn leaned forward “I certainly do!”
“What’s done is done, Kathryn.”
“Ignoring this isn’t going to make it go away, Chakotay.”
“You’re the one that has turned that into a science. Why should it be any different now?”
“Are you telling me this means nothing to you? Can you just walk away as if it never happened?”
“There is little point in talking about this, Kathryn. No amount of words will undo it. No apology will change it and no amount of excuses will make it right.”
“I’m not making excuses and I’m not trying to undo anything. I do think we should talk about what happened that night.”
“There isn’t anything to say. Apologizing for your behavior won’t change anything.”
“I didn’t come here to apologize. I came here to see if you were all right and…”
“Well, I’m not but I will be. Thanks you for your concern. Now if you don’t mind I have to finish packing and close this place up.”
“I do mind. What the hell do you mean My Behavior?”
“Kathryn, it doesn’t matter now…”
“It does matter. If I remember correctly, I wasn’t alone in that room and I don’t recall holding a phaser to your head.”
“You’re right, Kathryn, I was there, I allowed it to happen.”
“You allowed…?” Kathryn couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She stared at him. Kathryn wasn’t sure what she had expected but she was sure this wasn’t it. He was still speaking in a flat quiet tone but his words no longer registered in her spinning mind. She got up and walked past him to the door. “If it eases you guilt to blame this on me, go right ahead.” Kathryn stopped with her hand on the doorknob. “I’m used to carrying your burdens. Have a safe mission, Captain.”
Voyager left on schedule the next day. Kathryn tried several times to reach him before they were out of com range but the ‘Captain was not available’. Of course, she could have pulled rank on him, made it an official transmission and demanded he respond, but this wasn’t about Starfleet. No, Starfleet had been the source of enough problems between, this time it was just Kathryn and Chakotay and if he didn’t respond, well that should have been answer enough.
~~~^^^~~~
They had their regular weekly dinner with the Marlea and the kids, by Kathryn’s request. Kathryn had even done some of the cooking, when she wasn’t being jumped on or dragged off to play with one of the twins. The kids really loved their Aunt Kathy, she was one adult visitor who always took the time and energy to play with them. She crawled into forts and piled up blocks she promised to teach them to climb that big tree outside when they were just a little bit bigger.
Kathryn had gotten steadily better in the months since Chakotay was gone. She had told Mark the whole story shortly after Voyager left but never mentioned it again. It was just Kathryn’s way of dealing with it and Mark didn’t ask.
Marlea was putting the twins to bed. Mark and Kathryn were crawling around the living room picking up toys. Tonight she seemed down but maybe she was just worn out from playing with the kids. He thought she just looked tired.
“What?” Kathryn smiled at him as she reached under the coffee table for a plastic shuttle.
“Are you OK?”
Yes, a little tired and…”
“Coffee anyone?” Marlea put the tray on the coffee table.
“Of course.” Kathryn laughed, tossed the shuttle in the toy box and got comfortable on the couch. “When have I ever turned down coffee?”
“Never.” Mark sat on the floor next to the chair Marlea had chosen.
“I’m glad you two came here tonight. I haven’t seen you in a while, Kathryn and the kids miss you too.” Marlea gave Mark a gentle shove. “This lug usually keeps you all to himself most of the time.”
“He has been my savior sometimes, but I wanted to have dinner here for a reason tonight.” Kathryn sat back on the couch and sipped her coffee. “Thanks for lending me your husband and your kids.”
“Any time believe me – they love you and I could sure use the break.” Marlea nudged mark urging him to pursue Kathryn’s earlier comment.
“This reason seems serious.” Mark tried to draw her out carefully.
“It is.” Kathryn concentrated on her coffee cup.
“This reason has something to with Chakotay doesn’t it?” Marlea knew the entire story and she knew Kathryn. That far away look could only be for one person.
“Well, I suppose it does but mostly it has to do with me and some changes…” Kathryn bit her lip then looked up and smiled. “I’m pregnant.”
There was a stunned silence. Marlea and Mark shared a quick look then turned back to Kathryn.
“That’s wonderful, Kathryn.” Marlea smiled and Kathryn returned it. “You will make a great mom.”
“It’s gonna be great, Kath.” Mark moved to the couch and hugged her. “You know that right? And we’ll be here to help with anything you need.”
“So that’s why I wanted to be here tonight. I need to actually say it, to tell somebody—well besides the Doctor. You know him he just lectures me on over working and …” She laughed and sipped her coffee. “...too much coffee.”
“Well I’m glad you started with us. But, Kath…?”
“I don’t know, Mark. You know he never answered me when I tried to contact him. I didn’t know then but…” Kathryn shrugged. “I guess I'll deal with him when he gets back.”
“I would think he would be a bit shocked, but I also think he will want to be part of this child life.” Marlea cautioned. “You know him better than me of course but, he seems like the type of person who wouldn’t just walk away from this.”
“Well, I was a little taken back myself. I’m almost fifty years old, we had one night together—I mean these things just don’t happen that easily.” Kathryn shook her head. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t believe it.”
“I would.” Mark took her hand. “No matter what differences you two have had, he’s a good man, Kath, he has to be or you wouldn’t love him and he knows you probably as well as I do. Regardless what happens between you two, I think you have to be prepared for him to want to be part of this child’s life.”
“I guess I’ll deal with that if it happens.” Kathryn smiled and winked at Marlea. “I could always just tell him its yours Mark.”
“I’m not that nice!” Marlea laughed. “I will lend him out for somethings but I do have my limits.”
“Why do I put up with you two?” Mark just shook his head.
“Cause you love us, silly.” Kathryn hugged him and then Marlea. “And I don’t know what I would do without the two of you.”
~~~^^^~~~
Kathryn paced her office. Everything had gone so well these past months, she felt fine, no one so much as questioned the baby at least not to her face. Kathryn had told her mother shortly after Mark and Marlea. Gretchen had been a little shocked but the joy of having a grandchild soon over came that. She had eventually told the whole story to her sister and to B’Elanna, she assumed both Tom and Harry knew, at least the bare facts, from their reactions and of course the doctor was aware. Owen had made her aware of his thoughts but asked for no conformation making it clear that his only concern was that she was well and happy. But now…
Voyager had returned home almost a week ago. Kathryn had been receiving data collected on the mission for weeks. She knew of course the moment the ship entered orbit and how and when the crew had been debriefed. Although she had processed much of the raw data herself and was currently working on overseeing the design of the infrastructure for the planned colony it had not been necessary for her to have direct contact with any of the crew. That was until this morning.
Admiral Harrison thought it advisable that she be present for part of the Captain’s report on the geological conditions of planet. Admiral Paris had done his best, claiming she was heavily involved in design and all ready had access to all the necessary data but in the end they send for her.
“Kathryn, I don’t think this is necessary. I tried to avoid this…” Owen met her in the outer office.
“It’s OK, Owen. I…”
“Admiral Janeway, is there something wrong?” Admiral Harrison spoke gruffly but when she turned to look at him she could see he was actually concerned.
“No, Admiral. Everything is fine.” Kathryn gave him the best smile she could muster. “Owen was just about to bring me up to speed on the earlier proceeding.”
“Nothing to concern yourself with, Kathryn. Just the usual procedure and protocol so far. The important stuff hasn’t even started. Owen is an old worry wart.” The older man’s gruff manner had disappeared, replaced by softer conspiratorial tone and a mischievous twinkle. “Come in and get comfortable.”
Kathryn hadn’t looked directly at Chakotay when she entered but she could almost feel his eyes on her as she crossed the room and took her place at the table. Owen posed a few opening questions which gave Kathryn a chance to compose herself as well as to study Chakotay’s reaction. To say he had been shocked was an understatement but he managed to pull the mask into place quickly. He had answered all their questions professionally, taking perhaps a few extra minutes to answers hers. His eyes burned with a million questions of his own but he voiced none of them. A few hours later he had been dismissed; Kathryn remained seated until he left the room.
Now, many hours later the building was nearly empty but Kathryn still paced her office.
“Excuse me, Admiral, but no one was in your outer office.”
His voice startled her even though his eventual appearance was to be expected; Kathryn didn’t turn around, instead she watched his reflection in the window.
“It’s 0100, Captain, my assistant left hours ago.”
“You probably should follow his example.”
“I’ve never required as much sleep as most people.”
“I remember.”
The reflection of their eyes met and for one long heart stopping minute they stood in silence. Then Kathryn squared her shoulders in an all too familiar gesture and turned to face him.
“Is there something I can do for you, Captain?”
“This isn’t an official visit, Admiral.”
“Really, then what is it?”
Kathryn stood watching him, no expression detectable on her face. Chakotay wanted to reach out to her. He remembered the last time he touched her and his eyes fell to the round belly that somehow defied her stiff admiral like stance. He had been in contact with B’Elanna. She had politely answered his questions about Kathryn and even informed him that Kathryn was overseeing this project but she never mentioned this.
“Captain?”
He realized she wasn’t going to make this easy for him; why should she? After all he had been the one to shift all the blame to her and run off to lick his wounds. He had been the one to refuse her transmissions.
“Captain, it is the middle of the night. If you have something pressing to discuss then let’s get on with it. If not I suggest you take yourself else where so we can both get some rest.”
“I’m sorry, Admiral.” Chakotay shook himself out of his stupor. “I shouldn’t have intruded. Permission to leave?”
Kathryn held his eyes for just a moment then she nodded her permission and turned back to the window. The door swished open then slid closed; Kathryn let her shoulders slump. Not quite the joyous reunion she has secretly hoped for all these months, but they she never really believed it would be. She felt the tears well up in her eyes, this time she didn’t fight them. Kathryn rested her forehead on the cool glass and let the months of sorrow and loneliness consume her.
Chakotay watched Kathryn turn away; he didn’t deserve anything else. He moved away triggering the door but couldn’t bring himself to leave; he stepped back and let the door close. Kathryn’s stiff stance faltered, her forehead rested against the glass. It was then he heard the barest of sounds that tore at his heart yet filled him with hope. Kathryn was crying.
He crossed the room silently standing only an arm’s length behind her. Her shoulders shook with silent sobs, her clenched fist pressed against the window.
“Kathryn.” He spoke softly but she jumped at the sound of his voice, her head snapping up to glare at his reflection.
“How dare you!”
“I’m sorry.” He placed his hand tentatively on her shoulder. “I didn’t mean to intrude. I just couldn’t leave that way.”
“Why not?” She turned to face him her hot wet tears flowing freely down her face. “You didn’t have any trouble leaving eight months ago.”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have left like that but eight months ago there wasn’t this.” He both hands on her rounded belly. “Well, I didn’t know there was…”
“This hasn’t changed anything. It hasn’t changed who we are and it certainly hasn’t changed what we did!”
“No, none of that has changed. And it hasn’t changed the fact that I was wrong, Kathryn. Wrong to try to blame you, wrong to leave, wrong to refuse your transmissions and when I finally woke up to that, being afraid to face you didn’t make it right for me not to contact you. All I can tell you is how very sorry I am.”
“So am I.” Kathryn closed her eyes and turned away trying to hold back the fresh that tears filled her eyes.
“Kathryn.” He turned her face toward him and brushed the escaping tears. “You have every right to refuse to even speak to me, but I have to ask you one question.”
Kathryn opened her eyes and glared at him. She didn’t think she could stand hearing him actually ask. Her mouth opened to protest but no sound came out.
“No, Kathryn, there’s only one important question here and its not what your thinking.” He moved both hands to her face. “Kathryn has any of this changed the way you feel about me?”
Kathryn let out the breath she was holding her eyes overflowed with tears. All the mixed emotions of the past months flashed in her eyes. All the loneliness, the guilt, the wounded pride-did it matter, had it hurt her more than she loved him? All the while he held her eyes and waited. She closed her eyes and shook her head ever so slightly. There was only one answer.
“No, Chakotay.” She opened her eyes. “None of that has changed the fact that I love you.”
For a second he just continued to stare, her words slowly sinking into his frightened heart. Chakotay’s own eyes filled with tears as he pulled her close.
“I love you, Kathryn. I always have.”
The End