It was 1400 hours when Kathryn woke, Chakotay was sitting at her feet just watching her. He had let her sleep for two hours. She might get mad, but she needed it.
"Morning, sleeping head." He greeted her as she got her bearings.
"Far from morning, I would guess and more than an hour." She tried to look mad but she really felt much better for having slept.
"It's 1400--two hours--sorry." Chakotay flashed her his dimples. "I spoke to Sam. Naomi is finished with her lessons at 1500 hours it you want to see her."
"I said an hour, but since you tried to be helpful, I'll let you slide this time." She got up and replicated a cup of coffee. "I think I'll call Naomi and invite her up here. What do you think?"
"Good idea. I know she would love it and I should check on a few things, so you two could have some time."
"Captain Janeway to Captain's Assistant Wildman." She hit her comm badge and winked at Chakotay.
"Assistant Wildman here, Captain." The reply was eager and almost instantaneous.
"Naomi, I was wondering if you would like to join me for tea after your lessons."
"Yes, Captain. I would love to. Shall I meet you in the mess hall?"
"No, I thought we would have a private tea--in my quarters--say 1530?"
"Yes Captain! I'll be there at 1530." Her voice reflected the uniqueness of an invitation to the Captains quarters.
"See you than--Janeway out." She smiled to herself and looked up to see him smiling too. "She's a special kid."
"Has to be, she's the Captain's Assistant." They both laughed.
"Chakotay, tell me about this attack." She caught him totally off guard with this turn in the conversation.
"You read my report and Tuvok's what else do you want to know?"
"Many things, things none of us could know--like why they would attack us, knowing we are tactically superior---and they did know it. But I guess I want to ask---you let them go, ---Why?" She motioned him to sit beside her.
"I just did. I felt I had to." He got quiet while her tried to put it into words. "Don't misunderstand, I didn't want to. What I wanted to do was blow them out of the sky--no- I really wanted to beam over and kill each one little by little--with my bare hands--slowly and painfully. And no one on the bridge---not one member of the senior staff would have tried to stop me." His face was full of something she had never seen there before--hate-yet hate was not a strong enough word--not powerful enough to cover the fierce look on his face.
"You didn't. You let them go." She spoke softly, touching his hand to bring him back from wherever he was.
"You would have."
It was a simple statement, but it touched her more than any other explanation. It was her turn to comfort him and she reached out and took him in her arms. He was actually trembling and she knew it had cost him to do it her way.
Later when they were both calm and in control again, he went off to take care of business while she prepared for Naomi. She planned on spending about an hour with Naomi and then Chakotay was going to take the bridge and allow her a short time with Tuvok.
She set the low table in front of the couch and replicated a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Kathryn brushed out her hair and applied light makeup. It wouldn't do not to look her best when Naomi arrived. How she handled this meeting was going to have a very big impact on how Naomi herself handled the events of the last few days. She straightened her tunic and the door chimes.
"Come." She called out as she returned to the living room. The door swished open to reveal an apprehensive Naomi. "Hi Naomi, come in." Kathryn tried to sound relaxed.
"Hi." Her eyes swept over Kathryn, searchingly. "Are you OK?"
"I'm fine, come in and sit down." Kathryn led the way to the couch. “Milk and sugar in your tea or would you prefer a glass of milk?"
"Milk and sugar please. Your quarters are very nice." Naomi inspected the room.
"Thank you." Kathryn brought the tea and set it on the table. "So, how are you?"
"I'm OK. I get scared sometimes but mom says it's OK to get scared." She was looking to Kathryn for conformation.
"I'll tell you a secret, Naomi, I get scared sometimes, too." Kathryn took a bite of her cookie. "Your mom is a very wise woman."
"Captain, were you scared with those men?" Naomi looked away. "I'm sorry---mom said maybe you wouldn't want to talk about that."
"It's OK. Yea, I was scared." Kathryn turned Naomi to face her. "I think everybody is a little scared when they don't know what's going to happen." She wanted to be as honest as possible without frightening the child.
"Did they hurt you?"
"It wasn't very much fun." Kathryn searched for a way to be honest without traumatizing the child. "Yes, I was a little hurt, but as you can see--I'm fine now."
“I'm sorry, I left you all alone down there." Naomi looked as if she were going to cry.
"Don't be. You did exactly the right thing." Kathryn wanted to embrace the child. "You followed my orders and you know how important that is -and Neelix needed you to bring him home."
"Everybody says that--I did the right thing--but I still feel bad. I wanted to help."
"When you do what you're supposed to -then you do help--In this case following orders was the best way for you to help me." Kathryn smiled. "If you still want to help me, there is one other thing you could do."
"What can I do?" Her face lit up.
"Could you give me a hug?" Kathryn held out her arms and Naomi rushed into them.
After that Naomi was visibly happier and the rest of their time was passed talking about lighter topics. They chatted about her school work and her latest adventures with Flotter. Kathryn told Naomi all about the time she flooded the forest where Flotter lives when she was just six years old. They ate the whole plate of cookies before it was time for Naomi to leave. As Naomi ran back from the door for one more hug, Tuvok arrived. Kathryn looked up to see him standing in the doorway.
"Come in Tuvok. Naomi was just leaving." She kissed the top of Naomi's head and smiled as she released her.
"Bye Captain, Bye Mr. Vulcan." Naomi called as she scurried out the door.
"Please come and sit." Kathryn motioned Tuvok to the couch. As long as they had been friends, she knew he was still slightly uncomfortable in her quarters. Kathryn offered him a drink which he declined and seated herself on the couch. He crossed the room seating himself only after Kathryn had taken her place.
"How are you, Captain?" The speech was as formal as ever but Kathryn knew him well enough to see behind the mask.
"I'm OK, Tuvok--not 100%--but OK, for now." She reached out to him and was surprised when he took her hand.
"Your appearance is much improved from the last time I saw you. I know you are a strong woman, Captain, and you will over come these difficulties." He surprised her again by reaching up to touch her face. "Remember I am here if I can be of any assistance at all---Kathryn."
This unexpected show of emotion, the intimacy of his actions, so surprised her, she let her own control slip and she could feel the tears slide from her eyes. Tuvok brushed them away with his fingers and she smiled at him. For all his stoicism, Kathryn knew Tuvok was a profoundly private person and fully understood the deep personal violation she felt. They sat facing one another, his hand resting on her cheek for several minutes, before she spoke.
"Thank you, Tuvok." She placed her hand over his. "You are right -I am strong and I will survive--but it will be made much easier with the help of my friends."
After a short time, Tuvok excused himself and left Kathryn to her own thoughts. His reaction had been a very emotional one---especially for Tuvok. Although on the surface this surprised her, she knew Tuvok to be a very caring friend--she had just never seen him display as much emotion --to make himself as venerable as he had today. This she decided was a gift to her--an effort to reassure and comfort her. It was successful. She had had a very successful afternoon, now she needed to prepare to face the rest of her crew.
Kathryn decided against wearing her uniform to dinner. There would be time enough for the crew to see the Captain was alright--they probably knew that already. What they needed to see tonight was that the woman behind the Captain was OK. She selected a dark blue dress chinched at the waist and flowing to just below her knee, matching low heel and to give herself a boost matching satin underwear. She still had an hour before Chakotay was due back to take her to dinner, so after laying out her clothes, she filled the tub with perfumed bubbles and relaxed. She was still there when Chakotay returned.
He
rang the chime several times and was getting worried when her got no answer.
Tuvok indicated her to be in good form, but he couldn't help the knot in
the pit of his stomach. He keyed in his override and entered.
He glanced quickly around and found everything in order, but no Kathryn.
Entering the bedroom her found her dinner clothes laid out on the bed-still
no Kathryn-so he proceeded to the only other room. The bathroom door
was open so he peeked in. There he found her sound asleep in a tub full
of cold water and dying bubbles. She looked peaceful enough, but
it had to be cold and how she didn't drown he didn't know. He crouched
down next to the tub and gently touched her shoulder.
"Kathryn--sleepy head---wake up." He smiled at the shocked expression on her face when she realized where she was. "Time to get out." He laughed as he handed her a towel. His laughter was short lived however. As she got up to wrap herself in the towel, his eyes fell upon the bruises still evident on her body and the horror of the last few days returned in his eyes. He quickly averted his eyes and turned away, but not before she saw the change in his expression.
When
Kathryn saw his expression change, she knew in her head that he was reacting
to the marks on her body and that they would fade away in time, but her
heart wondered if he would ever look at her and not react to what had happened.
As much as everyone was worried about her recovery--she was worried about
his. Kathryn stepped out of the tub and stood next to him. She reached
up and turned his face back to her. In his eyes she saw pain and disgust--it
frightened her. She left him and went to dress for dinner.
“Kathryn." He called to her before entering her room. She had been in there a long time, he heard her dry her hair and move things around, but now it was quiet again. "Kathryn, are you ready?" He entered to find her sitting on the bed, fully dressed and ready, just sitting.
"Huh? Oh yes, I'm ready." She stood and started toward him. She watched him carefully and stopped at the strange expression on his face. "Chakotay, is something wrong?"
"No, nothing. You look beautiful, I don't want to share you." *Poor choice of words* He thought and tried to cover with a smile.
"Shall we than?" Her smile as uncertain as his.
Together they exited the lift and took their customary table in the mess hall. From here they were visible and accessible to the crew without intruding too much on their off time. Neelix personally served them their dinner, whatever it was. It was quite colorful and unusually tasty with stringy yellow stuff set off by fluffy orange and something in a greenish/gray that was more solid.
"Captain, it's good to see you. You look very nice tonight. How are you feeling?" Neelix inquired as he delivered some sort of red drink, which went 'perfectly with their dinner'.
I'm just fine, Neelix and how are you doing?" She hadn't spoken to him since her return.
"I'm good as new, Captain." He hesitated becoming quite uncomfortable. "Captain, I'm sorry. I should have been more helpful. I..."
"Neelix, nothing to be sorry for, it wasn't your fault. You were injured and in need of medical assistance." She reached out and patted his hand.
"Yes, well, just the same-----I'm sorry...." He fussed around the table a bit.
"Thank you, Neelix." She smiled at him, she knew what he was trying to say---or not say. "As they say--All's well that ends well. As long as we are all fine now, then I'm happy."
Several other crew members stopped by to say hello and Neelix quietly retired to the kitchen. They had finished their meal and were on their way back to her quarters for coffee when Tom and B'Elanna came into the mess hall.
"WOW." Tom stopped in front of the Captain. "WOW-you look great!" B'Elanna smacked his arm. "Well she does."
"Thank you, Tom." Kathryn laughed. "Does this mean I don't usually look so good?"
"Well no---it's just that--Wow -you look great." Tom was a little flustered.
"Don't mind him, Captain. You do look great, but he's an idiot." B'Elanna swatted at him again.
"Well, thank you, both--I think. I'll just accept the compliment and not question it." The smile on Kathryn’s face actually reached her eyes, she was so amused with these two.
They were standing in the middle of the room, and beginning to draw stares from the other crewmen. Tom was rubbing his arm where B'Elanna had smacked him and they were all beginning to feel a little foolish. Chakotay took Kathryn's arm and began to steer her away.
"B'Ella, you take yours over there and feed him and I'll take mine and put her to bed." Chakotay said quietly, then smiled and winked a B'Elanna as he left--Captain in tow--leaving the younger officers with their mouths open.
"Yours?" Kathryn raised her eyebrow, hands on hips, as the lift door closed.
"Yes, mine." He took her in his arms and kissed her.
For a second she resisted, then succumbed to her own desire and returned the kiss. He was well aware of her reluctance and made no move to push her any farther. Breaking the kiss, he held her until the lift stopped. She jumped back from him as the doors opened. No one was outside the lift, which caused her to laugh at her own reaction. He followed her down the corridor into her quarters. Once inside the door he spun her around and kissed her again.
"You do look great, you know." Sensing her nervousness, he released her. "Shall we have that coffee now?"
They took their coffee to the couch. Kathryn sat nervously on the outside edge, staring intently into her coffee cup. Chakotay watched her for a few minutes before placing his cup on the table and seating himself behind her on the end, so that he was able to wrap his arms around her and lean her back against his chest. He held her there gently, not speaking until she began to relax.
"Kathryn,
I won't hurt you. I'll never push you to do anything you're not ready
to do. I just want to be here, to help in any way I can." He
spoke softly, still cradling her in his arms.
"Chakotay,
I'm scared." It was barely a whisper.
"Of the Kamarians?"
"No---well--yes, them too, but I can handle that." She took a deep breath. "Of me----of you--of the way you looked at me tonight in the bathroom." There was a catch in her voice and he knew she was crying.
"Don't ever be afraid of me, I love you Kathryn. I couldn't bare to think you were afraid of me." He knew what she meant, he had hoped she had missed the look of revulsion that crossed his face. He couldn't help it, he hated what they had done to her and seeing those marks made it all too real.
"I know you love me---I love you too--but what if this changes everything?" She turned and looked at him. "What if you can never look at me- without seeing them--what if the sight of me always repulses you?" She put her fingers to his lips to prevent him from interrupting. "What if I never get over this? If every time you touch me, I cringe, I pull away because of what THEY did. What if we can never make love again?" She buried her face in his chest trying to hold back the tears.
"Kathryn." He lifted her chin so that she would look at him. "I am repulsed by what they did, not by you---never by you. They hurt you----raped you---to know that -sickens me, I can barely say the words. To see those marks; it's like ripping my heart out. I hate what they did to you--I hate that you suffered--then and now. I want to make it go away, to hold you until you're better-to kiss each spot and take the pain away. I want to make love with you." There were tears in his eyes now, too. "I know you're not ready for that--not physically or mentally---when you are, I will be here---whenever that is." He pulled her close.
He stayed with her then and held her through the night. Brushing away the tears and trying to exercise all the demons---his and hers. He was glad she allowed him to stay, yet it frightened him to see the weakness this had exposed. He wanted everything to return to normal, but he knew it wouldn't. Kathrynhe would never be quite the same and neither would he. They had survived this and although they could never go back they would go forward together, of this he would make certain---not the same---maybe better.
They spent the following day on the holodeck, sailing and walking the beach. A picnic lunch under a shade tree, some swimming and an afternoon nap, all in all a very relaxed and restful day. They opted for a quiet dinner in Kathryn's quarters and retired early to be will rested to return to duty the next morning. The doctor wanted her to take another day off, had ordered it in fact, but never really expected she would. She would be on the bridge before alpha shift began as always, but had promised to retire to her ready room to rest during the day. This night was better than the preceding one---less restlessness--fewer wakeups--the nightmares had eased slightly--just a little change each day, something to bring hope. They were actually both sleeping peacefully when the computer gave her wake up.
"CAPTAIN THE TIME IS 0500 HOURS----CAPTAIN THE TIME IS 0500 HOURS."
Kathryn rolled out of bed and headed for the shower. *Another day in the life of...* She thought as she adjusted the water. *Back into the Captain suit and back to work. Well, this will be better. I KNOW I can be the Captain, that hasn't changed.* She felt good; she needed to go back to work. After her shower Kathryn replicated coffee and woke Chakotay, before dressing and heading to the bridge. The Captain stepped off the lift onto the bridge well before the other members of alpha shift. It was good to be back. She felt she had been away a very long time, instead of a few days she had been gone.
It had been a quiet night and gamma shift had nothing to report but the usual routine diagnostics. Lieutenant Somers had the bridge and the Captain relieved and dismissed him, taking the padd of reports her offered.
"Thank you, Mr. Somers---dismissed." She turned to take her seat.
"Captain?" Somers voice hesitated.
"Yes, Lieutenant?" She gave him a curious look; they had finished their business.
"Welcome back, Captain." He appeared genuinely happy to see her.
"Thank you, It is certainly good to be back." She smiled at him now. This would be a better day.
The Captain greeted each member of the alpha bridge crew as they took their positions and each had a warm welcome for her. The last to enter the bridge was Commander Chakotay.
"Good morning, Commander." She smiled up at him. "Nice of you to join us today." The twinkle in her eye and the crooked smile were not wasted on the Commander. Nor were they missed by any of the bridge crew.
"Good morning." He gave her his best dimpled grin. "Nice to have you back, Captain." *And so good to see a real smile on your face, all the way to your eyes. The comfort, the confidence, that sparkle in your eyes, this is my Kathryn.* He chuckled to himself as he took the seat beside her.
End Chapter four.