Stories and Misc
WARNING NOT SUITABLE FOR SOME PEOPLE
A GIRLS FIRST TIME
NIGHTMARE #1 After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation." NIGHTMARE #2 The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother" NIGHTMARE #3 One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!" This is VERY IMPORTANT! if you do not read the entire message YOU MUST read the last several paragraphs.. DO NOT HESITATE! Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not. 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shiny and skin smooth. 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! > 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! 7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. 8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. 9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. 10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a national antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Subject: Burglar story I heard him trying to break in.... I ran to the cabinet...grabbed my automatic....slammed the clip in....and chambered a round.... I was sooooooo scared as I snuck thru the kitchen to the back door... I grabbed the flashlight that was plugged into the wall.... I opened the door as slowly and quietly as I could.... I Tiptoed to the side of the house where I heard him still working on the front door screen... I turned the corner and put the Flashlight and Gun in his face and I yelled... HANDS UP!!!!!!!!!!! As he turned to face me...........
SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF? 1. Smarties 2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp 3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down 4. Baseball is Canadian 5. Lacrosse is Canadian 6. Hockey is Canadian 7. Basketball is Canadian 8. Apple pie is Canadian 9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass 10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass 11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon MaKenzie King who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...Go figure.. 12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany. 13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone. anywhere. EVER. 14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour. 15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught. 16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on. 17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company. 18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes. 19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo. 20. We don't marry our kin-folk. 21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. 22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it. 23. A Canadian invented Superman. 24. We have colured money. 25. Our beer advertisments kick ass BUT MOST IMPORTANT! 24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!! 25. And we don't bomb our allies. oh yeah... and our elections only take one day. Pass this on if you are proud to be Canadian!!! I AM CANADIAN!!!
Don't know how many Catholics there are out there receiving this message, but in case anyone is interested, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways.. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses. May everyone be blessed who receives this message. Theresa Prayer cannot be deleted. REMEMBER to make a wish before you read the poem. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. This is a powerful novena. Just send this to four people and let me know what happens on the fourth day. Do not break this, please. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of reward. (Did you make a wish?) If you don't make a wish, it won't come true. Last Chance to Make a Wish. May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be..... May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.... May you be content knowing you are a child of God.... Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you....
A GIRL'S FIRST TIME!!! (Assume you are a girl if you are a boy) It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all,it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
Vehicle's 2003 Handbook > > > 1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Albertan driver avoids using them. 2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit. 4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended. 5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with B.C. or Sask, plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose. 6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles. 7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway. 8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Alberta during rush hour, especially in Calgary. 9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Albertan driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even > >someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim. 11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Alberta is the home of high-speed slalom-driving; thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert. 12. It is tradition in Alberta to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green. 13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger. 14. Remember that the goal of every Alberta driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary. 15. In Alberta, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned. Thank You, The Alberta Registrar of Motor Vehicles
