Title: Come What May

 

Author: Rising Sun

E-mail: jagrslc@yahoo.com

Updates on the FF of Rising Sun: jagrslc-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

FF archived at: http://www.geocities.com/jagrslc

 

Rated: PG-13 (NC-17 available)

Classification: Story/Angst

Summary: Mac and Harm go undercover and use their heartache to solve the case.

Spoiler: Measure of Men

Disclaimer: JAG characters portrayed belong to JAG, CBS and Paramount Television. No copyright infringement intended.  All other characters depicted are purely fictional and any similarities to actual people are purely coincidental.

 

Author’s Notes: Thanks to Karen for the beta read.

 

Feedback: Would be nice.

 

Story Written October/November 2001

1400 LOCAL
RABB RESIDENCE

Harm was scared. 

He knew that under severe pressure Mac's modus opperandi was to run.  And the pressure did not get more brutal than this.  The last time he could remember Mac facing such stress was when his plane went down.  That run had taken her to the Indian Ocean. 

[FLASHBACK]

Harm had finally made contact with her after leaving messages and e-mails. "Mac, a TAD assignment?  What's going on?"

She got defensive "It's not just me, Gunny's here too."

[Yeah-right.] Harm thought but said, "Only because you're there."

Mac heaved a mental sigh to collect her strength to deal with this man "needed to clear my head" she said.

"How long are you going to be gone?" He asked.

"Until they replace me." She replied.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

He could not afford to loose Mac like that. He had to do something - but WHAT!

He would grieve later. Right now his priority was Mac. In the gloom of the room he could just see her form curled up in a fetal position.

[Ironic] he thought. [She's in a fetal position and we have lost our baby.]

The doctors had babbled something at him but if called upon to recall he'd be hard pressed to repeat.  All he knew was that Harmon David Rabb, HR, to everyone had never lived to see the light of day.

[My son is dead.] He was feeling a pain that no language could describe. He wanted to curl up and die. That was probably Mac's thought too.

=======================================

She was scared.

[If ever I needed a drink, today is the day] she thought.   The doctors had explained that one out of one hundred pregnancies ended in stillbirth and that just like her case the cause will never be found and that later miscarriages accounted for twelve percent of all stillbirths in America.  Statistics! They meant nothing!  My baby is dead!  God help me, my baby is dead! 

Harm had brought her home and she had headed straight for the bedroom, closed the curtains, left all lights off and curled up on the bed.

That had been two days ago.

She heard Harm walk in and felt him stare.

[My son is dead.] She thought and a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Mac" He called. There was no emotion to his voice.

She didn't reply.

The ritual played out.  "Mac we need to talk, honey."

Still no reply and as with the days before, "Mac please." He begged, "Talk to me."  Every time he entered the room to check on her to get her to eat.  There was nothing from her and he eventually walked out.  Till the next time he entered the room and the rite played out in dreadful accuracy.

She just stayed in bed.

=======================================

ONE WEEK LATER
RABB RESIDENCE

Mac had finally emerged from the 'tomb' the day before. She and Harm spoke but it was far from communication.

That morning she had an announcement.

That morning Harm's worst fear became manifest.

That morning Mac ran.

"I'm leaving." She announced in a deadpan voice.

"Leaving?" fear gripped Harm. "Don't leave."

Her eyes narrowed at the plea. "Don't ask. Don't tell." She quoted military policy at him.  "I'm leaving will be back... when I am back."

He opened his mouth to object but changed his mind. Then changed it again and objected. "Mac you can't leave. I lost a baby too.  Stay. Let us talk, we can get counseling. We need each other right now. In sickness and in health remember our wedding vows?" He needed all his persuasive skills this day.  "Mac if I have to beg I will. Don't go, stay... please"

He could see her waiver. "Harm" she softened "I need this time alone. I will be of no use to you my job or myself if I stay.  Please understand.  I need this time."

[Well, he'd tried.] He thought then mutely nodded.  He followed her to the front room where she had packed her duffel bag.  “Where are you going? Will you call?” He needed contact no matter how fragile.

 

She needed to run.

 

She tried to be gentle; “I need to be incommunicado.”

 

A tear rolled down his right cheek.  “Mac I love you. We need to go through this together.  I’m begging you Mac stay!”

 

This was harder than she had imagined. She regretted this scene and wished she had gone with her initial thought of leaving while he slept. She said nothing… what was there to say? She was devoid inside of anything that could identify her as Mac the wife, Mac the mother, Mac the lawyer or even Mac the human. 

 

She reached up wiped the tear away turned, grabbed her car keys and walked out.  

 

Harm waked through the house listening to the sounds of silence. He drifted into the nursery that had never been used and broke.  He fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands. He had lost his child and now his wife had walked out. He had reached the point where the cross was too much to bare and there was no one to help carry.  His dam of pain broke and his soulless howl of torture shattered the silence of the house. 

=======================================

DAY ONE
1610 LOCAL
LOUVET ESTATE, SAINT LUCIA

She had considered Red Rock Mesa but knew that Harm could find her there and she did not want to be found. She headed south.

Her contacts in the Caribbean had been well forged and she arrived on the tiny island, jumped into the jeep that was waiting for her at the Airport and headed North-East for Louvet Estate, a 605-acre property located near the community of Aux Lyon: population 1,200.  The estate had been part of a large sugar estate in the early 19th century, and the ruins of the sugar era still present were to provide a base camp for her.

She arrived; set up camp then perched herself on a cliff and let the crashing waves hypnotize her.  Time passed in a gentle flow and she began to relax.  She was rewarded with nature's evening ritual of sunset and was spectacular as is everything in nature.  In the tropics twilight is none existent and the setting sun gave way to night abruptly.

Mac just sat in the warn night listening to the sounds of the darkness. There for the first time since she lost baby HR, she cried.  She just sat on the cliff side with nature and her creatures as witness and mourned the loss of a life that had never begun. 

Eventually remembering the warnings of her friend that this was snake country she got up and headed back to camp.

=======================================

DAY TWO
0725 LOCAL
LOUVET ESTATE

Mac had not slept that late in a long time. In fact it had been a while since she had had an uninterrupted nights sleep.  The lullaby that nature sang had worked wonders.

She went exploring.

She found a number of natural attributes such as a waterfall she judged to be 100 feet high, two rivers, a collapsed blowhole, a wetland area, a variety of geological formations and of course the beach she had seen on her way in.  In her explorations she discovered that the beach was also a nesting site for birds, iguanas and the infamous Fer-de-Lance, which she spied once slithering along the under growth.

=======================================

DAYS ONE TO FIVE
LOUVET ESTATE

For the week she spent on the estate Mac had done nothing more strenuous than swim.
She swam and lazed around the base of the waterfall.
She swam and lazed in both rivers. 
She swam and lazed on the beach.

Her cycle of existence became wake up, swim, eat, watch the sunset, sleep then start the cycle all over again. Ah life in the tropics.

The nights however brought with them not only the dangers of venomous snakes and irritating mosquitoes but the reliving of the nightmare of loosing HR.  Harmon David Rabb III had been called HR from the time they had agreed on the name.  The unborn was so much a part of their lives both of Harm and herself and the JAG corps. The actual experience of carrying that baby could never be conveyed by mere words.  Neither could the horror of the loss be put into words.  She could not do that again.

Mac knew many languages and none sufficed.

For every night Mac spent at Louvette she asked the crickets the same question "Now what?" She got the same answer.  "It's blowing in the wind."

She didn't know if she ever wanted children again.  Did she even want to be with Harm? The loss had made her rethink her place in the scheme of things.

One day as she explored the area, 605 acres cannot be explored, as it should be, on foot in one day, a paper fluttered her way.  It slammed into her shin and as she took a step it stayed there.  She reached down to deal with it when a phrase caught her eye. The phrase expanded into a sentence and it into a paragraph.  It read, "You are a child of the Universe no less than the trees and the stars you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should."

The night crickets had been correct, the answer was "It's blowing in the wind." She continued exploring.

As the rest of the days and nights unfolded Mac slowly took control of her shattered heart and scattered wits.  She would never be the same, but she would survive as she always had.  But what a cross to bear!

Then the final day arrived and she closed down the camp, jumped into the jeep and headed for civilization.

She felt rejuvenated, but sad.

She would always feel sad.

 

==========================================

 

SUNDAY - 1509 LOCAL
RABB RESIDENCE

Harm walked into the kitchen. "Hey"

"Hey" she replied and looked at the bags in his hand. "Coming or going?"

He looked down at the bag. "Coming... with you gone, no baby even the resident spirit seemed to have gone to ground, the place felt more like a mausoleum than a home.  When did you get back?"

"An hour ten minutes ago, I return to work tomorrow. There are cards, notes and voice mail from friends and family on our loss."

"OK" He acknowledged. "I return to work on Tuesday, but figured "I'd return today instead."

"Mmm." She replied. "Want some?" she held up a cup of coffee.

"Sure." He dumped the bag and sat on the stool at the counter.

They drank.

"Mac." Harm broached the topic "We need to talk."

"I know ... we will. I promise." She touched his cheek gently.

 

“Mac” He paused. He didn’t want to pressure her on their first day back.  “I missed you, this place was made of at least two people.  I was so worried about you.  Life without you is hell and under these circumstances it is worse than hell.  If such a thing is possible.”

“I missed you too… but I had to get a grip on myself, start the healing process before I could even start to heal us.” She struggled to explain.  “I know what is needed. I know what you need, but if I am shattered, how can I help?”

 

“That’s why I’m here.” He whispered.

 

She nodded. “I know.  I’m sorry Harm.  I won’t run I promise but I need just a little more time.”

 

He could refuse her nothing and at least she was not going to run so he agreed. “OK”

 

==========================

SIX MONTHS LATER

1625 LOCAL
JAG HQ - MAC'S OFFICE

 

Mac kept her promise and had not run but she hadn’t stayed put either.  It had been a hectic time not to mention a brutal six months.  Mac had returned to JAG and had faced two extreme reactions to her loss. The first had been an overwhelming outpouring of sympathy from everyone and empathy from Harriett.  Then there had been the opposite response where some people didn’t know what to say and so they didn’t.  They acted as if Mac had never been pregnant and never mentioned it or the loss.

 

The workload had expanded considerably and Mac at first was relieved when two days later she had to go to Italy. That way she managed to dodge the talk with Harm.  The next six months, however, had her investigating, conducting Article 32s and court-martials in Utah, Russia, California, Puerto Rico, Washington State, Greenland and back to Italy.  The schedule had been atrocious and was such that she had not the time to brood about the loss since her two-week hiatus in Saint Lucia.  Now she was tired.

Harm popped his head into Mac's office. "Hey beautiful."

"Hey sailor. Come in."

He entered and sat in the offered chair.

"What brings you here."

"What indeed ... Webb." He replied.  "I'm here early so I thought I'd say hi."

Mac rolled her eyes. Her intercom buzzed. She picked up the handset.  "Hello? ... Yes sir." She hung up.  "Seems I'm wanted too."

=======================================

1636 LOCAL
JAG HQ
THE JAG'S OFFICE

Webb, AJ, Harm and Mac sat around the coffee table in the Admiral's office.

"Colonel... Webb here is requesting your assistance again."  AJ folded his arms  "He has already received permission of the Captain's boss but for it to work he needs you.  I've told him that the yea or nea is yours to call. Some of his missions have been too hair brained for my liking."

"The Congresswoman can spare you?"  Mac enquired.

"Apparently so." Harm replied.

"So what's the mission Webb?"  Mac prompted.

"We suspect the Millennium Center..."

"The Millennium Center?" Mac interrupted.

"They provide getaways for couples but we think it's a cover to recruit persons to assist them in the sales of small arms.  They target military folk with their mumbo jumbo and somehow get them to assist in the theft of arms for the Center to sell."

"And Harm and I are to go in as a vacationing couple and an easy mark?"

The room suddenly went quiet.  Mac felt the room temperature change.  She looked from man to man to man each looking away and suddenly becoming shifty as if the seat had suddenly got hot.  AJ passed her the case file.  She scanned it then said softly.  "It's for couples who have recently lost a child?  That's what you call mumbo jumbo Webb?"

"Mac" Webb said.

Mac ignored him and looked to her CO. "Sir I know I... we are uniquely qualified having lost a baby ourselves but..."

"I know Mac which is why I leave this decision to you." AJ said "This is strictly a voluntary mission."

"When do you need an answer?" She inquired.

"Tomorrow this time." Webb answered.

She nodded "Sir with your permission."

"Dismissed Colonel."  She left.  AJ contemplated what they had just done.

 

This woman had lost her first child eight months into the pregnancy.  There had been no chance for the character to be formed and be known by all.  She seemed to have handled it as only Mac could.  He had hesitated but the workload had been demanding and she had only just returned from her last mission, which had taken her to Italy.  Now here they were barely six months after what he considered a tragedy asking her to her to use that anguish to the advantage of a mission.  This had to be a new low for even Webb and where did that leave him?

 

He felt unclean. 

 

=======================================

1740 LOCAL
JAG HQ
MAC'S OFFICE

She stood at the office window and stared at nothing.  She had actually been feeling upbeat when Harm had visited her but one hour fifteen minutes seventeen second earlier.  After that encounter with Webb and his mission she felt numb.  God I miss my baby! A tear ran down her cheek. She had been in this state of grief for months now. She ignored herself and Harm and all she could think of was that she had given birth to a stillborn.

Harm stepped in. "Mac..." he stopped as she held up a hand.

"Not now Harm."

 

“OK” He said and turned around took two steps turned on his heel and returned. “How about now.” He smiled.

 

She gave a halfhearted smile. It pulled at his heart.  "Mac we need to talk this can't go on."

"We will but not now." She repeated.

 

Mac we have to face this. It’s been six months!” He argued.

 

She turned to face him.  “First of all… be it by coincidence or by design on my CO’s part I have barely had time to breath.  My caseload has been such that I have barely spent one month if that long in DC. I have been crisscrossing the country and the globe.  Secondly this is neither the time nor the place for such a discussion.”

He stared at her for a couple of seconds; “Alright… but we can’t sweep this under the carpet for much longer.  These are the events that make or break people and relationships.  I don’t… I can’t loose us over this Sarah.  We have been through too much. Let me in. Together we can overcome this.”

 

“I know.” She whispered.

 

He sighed in resignation. “See you at home.”

She continued to stand at the window and to relive the memories of the last fourteen months.  The joy of finding out she was pregnant, the agony of losing the baby eight months into the pregnancy and the wall that seemed to have come between herself and Harm.

=======================================

DAY ONE - FRIDAY
1634 LOCAL
THE MILLENNIUM CENTER

Mac and Harm had first flown and then driven to the Millennium Center in silence.  The wall was getting taller and thicker. 

Harm pulled up to a large gate. After being checked in by security they proceed up the long drive to the main building.  They were checked in and placed in one of many cabins.  The clerk at the front desk informed them that breakfast was from 6:00 to 7:00 lunch 12:00 to 1:00 and dinner 6:00 to 7:00. Their first session was at 9:00 that evening.

=======================================

1700 LOCAL
THE MILLENNIUM CENTER
RABB'S ROOM

"They move quick don't they?" Harm observed after tipping the porter.  "An appointment tonight!" He began checking for bugs.

"Well we are on the weekend package." Mac pointed out as she assisted in the search.

"You realize that that is the most you and I have said for this whole trip?" He indicated that he had found one in the telephone at the bedside table.

"Yes." She nodded to indicate that she understood and continued the search. "Harm, I have hopes for this sabbatical.  I do love you but since the death of HR I don't know how to snap out of this depression."  She signaled to him that she had found no additional devices.

He moved over to her.  "I know sweetie.  I'm in pain too.” He paused they’d never discussed how they coped. “Mac in the beginning I spent most of my energy resisting you.  I don’t know why … you are a force of nature and once in love with you I was just postponing the inevitable.” She was listening to him.  “Now that I have acknowledged that you are the other half of my soul I can now function.  I don’t know which pain was worse … the loss of HR or the loss of you.  I know this much I cannot handle both.” He confessed. “I hang my hope on you and these folks here that you and I together and with their help we will find the path back to each other."

He hadn't touched her; he just stood close. She took the final step and hugged him.  "Oh Mac." He breathed and hugged back. There had been very limited physical contact between them after the death of Harmon Rabb III, HR to his parents. It felt good to just touch.

 

“Oh my darling,” she said “I love you and you are absolutely correct that we do need help. If this is hell I don’t need to die to see it.”

 

Harm still held on to her deriving strength from the contact. “I love you too.”

"We should unpack," She said, “Then explore this place."

=======================================

1738 LOCAL
THE MILLENNIUM CENTER GROUNDS

"Assuming that the device you found is still in place it seems that we'll have to discuss the case out on the grounds."  Mac whispered.

"How sick can a person be?" Harm observed. "Those folk expect to hear us doing what...?"

"I don't think they want to hear you and me doing the wild thing. I think that by bugging the rooms they get information they need for leverage or at least an idea of where to look."

"OK assuming that to be so which one of us is to be the weak link?" 

"Me." Mac said. "And before you start.  I have the Article 32 I have the court martial and I lost the baby."

"I lost him too..." He whispered, “…and by the way I was up on murder charges once.”

"I know but for this mission I am the weak link. OK?” she touched him.  They had been doing that more since they arrived at the Center and he liked it.

"Mac in all seriousness do you know how to play weak?"  Harm asked.  They both chuckled.  "Do you realized that this is the first time you and I have smiled at anything recently?  If nothing else this place seems to be working in our favour."

"Yeah." She angled her head. "Did I hear the gong for dinner?"

"Let's go check out the other couples. Oh maybe I'll do that and you can eat." Harm teased her about her appetite.

"Droll sailor droll. Are you saying that I have a conflict of interest here? My need to eat verses my need for information?" She smiled.

 

“Hey you said it.” Harm replied.

=======================================

SESSION ONE - 0900 LOCAL
DR. ANDREA CLARK’S OFFICE

Now that she was actually faced with the situation Mac was not so reluctant to talk.  She walked into the Counselor’s Office. It was set up with a chair for the Counselor and a sofa and three other chairs arranged so that groups could all face each other.

“Hello.” The Counselor welcomed her. “I’m Dr. Andrea Clark.  You may call me Andy. Please… have a seat.”
Mac was tentative all this was undiscovered territory. “Hello.” She took a seat and surveyed her surroundings.  The wall was covered with diplomas, certificates, degrees and citations.

Andy looked at her file. “I see here that you are a Marine Colonel. What would you prefer I call you?"

“Mac will do.”

“Fine.  Well Mac let me start by offering my condolences on the loss of your baby.  It is a difficult experience but together I hope we can find some closure for you.”

Mac gave no reply.

Andy continued, “Tell me… by the end of this weekend what do you wish to accomplish?”

Mac thought a moment about the question. “There is a wall between my husband and I …  a communication barrier between us. We talk but say nothing.  I suppose what I really want is for us to be as we were before HR died.”

“What happened after the death of HR? How did you feel?”

“How the hell do you think I felt!” M ac snapped.  “I lost my baby!  This was my first pregnancy.  It was a manifestation of the love between Harm and I.  This baby was wanted! “

“And you lost it. You felt angry.” Andy probed.

“Damn straight!” Mac confirmed.

“You are trained for action, Mac.  Being faced with this emotional overload, what did you do?”

Now there was a question.  “I ran.” She whispered.

“Pardon?”

“I ran.” Louder this time.

“Literally or figuratively.”

“Literally. I know a place in the Caribbean - I went there.” Mac elaborated.

“You keep saying I. May I assume that your husband was not with you?”  Andy asked.

“You may.”

“So you lost you first child and in an effort to understand what happened you sought solitude.” Andy summarized.  “How did Harm feel about this?”

Mac shrugged “He wanted me to stay and talk.”

“But you didn’t.”

“I needed space.” Mac said.

“Why?” Andy asked the simple yet loaded question.

“I needed to heal before I could face Harm…” She trailed off and then added, “I felt smothered. Harm can be very over protective and I knew he was going into that mode. I couldn’t deal. I needed space … air… to get out.”

“But he offered to talk. Why not talk with him? You say there is a communication barrier, was that there before the baby?” Andy questioned.

“No before HR. We talked about any and everything. Harm has seen me at my best… he’s seen me at my worst.” Mac replied.

“Then why run, Mac?”

Mac looked stunned. Her sharp legal brain went into over drive as it focused to addressed the challenge.  She faced the demon.  “It’s a case of abandonment. I did it to him before he did it to me! I know Harm loves me but my experiences with men don’t always allow me to believe it and my instincts don’t always advise me correctly.  I’m beginning to realize that more harm than good may have occurred.”

With that break through the session came to a close; “Mac. You have another session this afternoon, this time with Harm present.  I want you to find a quite spot on the compound, there are many.  Think about what we have been talking about and tomorrow we will talk again. You will be with a different Counselor for this afternoon's session.”

“A different one?”

“Yes, each person has their own counselor, as we are not allowed to share information given in confidence in an individual session with the other partner without that partners express permission. So to be seen to be doing the right thing were have different Doctor’s run different session so as to eliminate the possibility of problems with confidentiality we have different therapists for individual and couples therapy sessions.”  Andy explained.

“OK.” Mac accepted.

“Good day to you and I will see you tomorrow for our morning session.” Andy stood.

Mac left. She walked down the hall in a daze. She had never worked so hard on her emotions and God knew how many sessions were left to go.  She felt the urge to run. It felt almost like a craving for a drink. So simple… Just grab her bags and walk.  But then she thought of Harm she felt her love for him spread from her heart and through her system. May be she could hold on.  Yeah it would be like a mentor for AA. Harm would be her rock for this. Yeah! Her step lightened.

=================================================

SESSION ONE - 0900 LOCAL
DR. ANDRE CLARK’S OFFICE

Mac had gone to her therapy session and Harm had his own reality to deal with. He had suggested the need for counseling sessions and now here he was.  He took a deep breath and walked into the office.  It looked like a typical psychologist’s office… well if TV was any measuring stick, with sofa, desk, chairs and countless degrees and citations on the wall.

He flopped down into a chair ignoring the sofa.

“Well Commander, welcome.” Dr. Clarke said. “I’m Dr. Andre Clarke… everyone calls me Andy.” 

“Hi.  Every one calls me Harm.”

“OK.  Now that we have got that little detail take care of we’ll start with a relatively simple question.  Why are you here? At the end of this session and at the end of the weekend what do you hope to accomplish?  Well actually that’s more than one question isn’t it?”  He smiled.

“I… we lost a baby. But in the process I am losing my wife.  Therefore I suppose the carte blache answer is that I want Mac back.” He replied. “I know that it won’t be the same… it never can be but I love my wife and I think she still loves me.”

“How did you feel at the prospect of loosing first HR and then Mac?” Andy asked.

“Like I’d been kicked in the head.  She ran. No matter what I cannot bring back our baby and I don’t seem to be able to keep my wife.” Harm revealed. “It’s been six months, we don’t talk we don’t make love, we are like two strangers in the damn house!”

“Have you talked with her about how you feel on this matter?”

Harm gave a snort.  “She won’t talk about anything!  Not the baby not us… nada. She buried herself in her work.  It's like living with a ghost.  She's there but not really there.”

“And you Harm what did you do? When she ran did you go with her?”

 “No she made it clear that she wanted to be alone.  I was left behind.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Empty.  I love my wife despite all that has happened… I don’t want to lose her.” Harm confessed.

“Have to you told her this?”

“No.”

“Any particular reason why?” Andy queried.

“She seemed too fragile to tackle.” He answered.

“Harm, I am hearing a lot about Mac but not about you.” Andy stated. “I ask you why you do something and you answer me about Mac.  I want to hear from you.  Now why do you think you keep thrusting Mac at me?”

That gave Harm a moment for pause.  Andre Clarke gave him the time he needed to think it through.

Finally he spoke. “I’m scared of my emotions. When Mac left I broke.  I reached the point where the cross was too much to bear I felt soulless, unloved, unwanted not needed.  I need that. I married the woman I love so that we can take care of each other… but that crumbled with the death of HR.” A tear ran down his cheek. “I felt numb. I had no emotions to give. If I felt this bad I could only imagine what Mac was feeling.  I had to be strong for her. She needed me. She carried HR for eight months and HAD to be feeling worse.  I felt empty.  I love my wife despite all that has happened… I didn’t want to lose her… but I did.” Harm confessed. 

Andy passed him a tissue. “So… the next question is this… why have you not told her?  Don’t tell me about her fragility. You need to understand why YOU haven’t pressed the matter with her.”

With the preliminary breakthrough in place the next question didn’t take as long to address.  In a few moments Harm was answering, “If I pressed her…” He gulped. I was afraid she’d run.  When she ran the last time I had been on her about counseling. I was afraid she’d run again.  I couldn’t… can’t face that.”

Andy’s watch vibrated indicating that the session was ended.  Why was it always at these points that the session chose to end? He really needed to review with the others the time line on these sessions. Weekenders needed more intense sessions.

"Harm, you will have an afternoon session, this time with Mac in attendance. You may decide to talk with her then or not. You must decide. My older brother Dr. Andrew Clarke will take your therapist for that session.

=================================================

SESSION TWO - 1500 LOCAL
DR. ANDREW CLARK’S OFFICE

Mac’s eyes narrowed at the nameplate on the door. “You say that you were with Dr. Andre Clarke?”

“Uh huh.  Why?” Harm replied.

“I saw Dr. Andrea Clarke and now we are facing Dr. Andrew Clarke?”  She observed.

“The family business.” He grinned as he held the door open for her.

“Welcome. Call me Andy.” Dr. Andrew Clarke introduced.

“Of course, what else would we call you?” she smiled.  “Harm and Mac.”

“Have a seat please.” He indicated the sofa and chairs, similar to the other offices. He noted that Harm sat on the sofa while Mac chose one of the chairs.

“So! Anyone care to start?” Andy offered.  Neither said a word.  “That’s ok. Just offered the opportunity in case someone had a burning issue.  Your file indicates that you lost a baby… but not much else.  Harm… “ He focused on him “As a Military person trained for action, how was that experience for you?”

“I died.” He said simply. “I just curled up into myself and shut down. I functioned and that was all.”

“Mac, is that an accurate description of how you felt?” Andy asked. She nodded. “How did you deal with that emotional upheaval?” 

“She ran.” Harm said bitterly.

“From the sound of your voice you were not happy with that? Tell her.”

“…and then some!  She left me just when I needed her most!  I begged her…” He paused as Andy pointed at Mac. Harm adjusted his focus. “I begged you to stay and talk with me!  Oh GOD!” He broke. “Why?! Mac why?!”

The outburst from Harm took Mac by surprise.  “I told you then… I needed time to heal myself …”

“But what of me Mac! What of me? I lost a baby and the woman I loved namely you!” He paused.

Mac had been meditating on the question of why she ran and had not come up with a way to explain.  Now faced with a rampaging Harmon Rabb she still couldn’t.  “I’m sorry.” She said simply.  “It seemed like the thing to do at the time for me… I realize now that it may not have been right for us.” She shifted position from the chair to the sofa.

“Oh Mac.”

“Harm what did you do while I was gone?” She suddenly realized that he knew where she had gone but she had not a clue of what he had been up to.

Andy remained silent; the session had taken on a life of its own.

Harm stood and moved to the window and looked out. He couldn’t look at anyone. “You and Bud always assumed that when I saw you I was thrown by the resemblance to Diane.  That is partly true … the truth of the matter is that I fell in love that day.  You held out your hand and said “Mac” and I just stood there and gawked. There I was with my DFC given to me by the President and I couldn’t think of two works to string together. Remember that command from the Admiral? Don’t get involved? That was one command that arrived to late the damage was already done.”

He paused. Mac said nothing. He continued. “You think falling in love at first sight would lead to you and I getting together? HA!” He gave a bitter chuckle.  “It took me nearly ten years to do right by you.  Why you bothered with me I don’t know.  But you did … we got married … and we were expecting a baby!”

He warmed to his theme. “Pregnant! Do you have any idea what that means to a man who has had a stepfather but no actual father?! I was ecstatic! I spent my best moments were lying with you feeling the baby move.  Then I began to panic… what if I was away on assignment when you were due?!” He took a deep breath. “But I had faith and I began to live in the future.  I imagined what the birthday would be like.  I’ve heard that mother’s to be can dish out much abuse and I was actually looking forward to counting the number of languages that you could abuse me in.  We knew it was a boy but I fantasized about him taking your looks. But then he died.  I lost my baby. Then I lost my wife.” He paused.

 

Mac remained silent.

”The day you left I broke. I had been numb but with you leaving my pain asserted with a vengeance.  My heart broke, my soul shattered and I howled as a soulless beast of Satan.  I lay in the nursery in a catatonic state for three days.  Bud… God bless him used his key and came looking for me.  He found me in the room... I had not shaved in three days, bathed in three days and I had done my toilet right there. I was a mess literally. He cleaned me and the room and took me to La Jolla to my mother.”

Mac could not believe what she was hearing.

“I just sat in the guest cottage. One day Frank came to check on me in time to find me playing Russian roulette. He managed to get the gun away from me I don’t know why. There was absolutely no reason to exist any more.  Frank later told me that he arranged a suicide watch.” He snorted; “Can you imagine what my poor mother was going through at that time? Every day she would come over, talk read spend time with a living corpse.  One day I answered her.  Every day after that got better and now here I am today…” He nearly let slip on the mission.

“Oh Harm” She was mortified. She joined him at the window and leaned her head on his shoulder.

He caressed her cheek. “Mac it’s been six months since HR died.  I’ve missed you. We talk but say nothing … I’ve missed my friend and my wife.”

“Honey when HR died I felt like my soul had been ripped from me. I was gutted with noting to give.  I – I didn’t know what to do.  Being alone to handle crisis had always worked for me… and I intuitively turned to that modus operandi.” She said. “I missed you too… but I didn’t know how to get back to us.

“I know I felt the same… but I suggested counseling.” At the mention of the Doctor, they suddenly turned around to face the Doctor.

“I didn’t want to talk about my business with strangers.” She revealed.

“And now?” Andy asked.

She inclined her head. “I was wrong.”

Andy nodded.  “We are scheduled to meet tomorrow at the same time.  During that time I want you to consider this situation from the others’ point of view.  So Mac put yourself in Harm’s shoes as it were and Harm you in Mac’s.”

“Excuse me?” Mac said.  This counseling gig was getting more and more difficult. Granted she had learnt much and benefited even more but this switching of roles thing had her hesitating.

”There is a lot of unresolved emotion between you.  In an effort to address this situation and to resolve the anger you both feel you need to understand your partners experience … in other words from the opposite point of view.”  He explained. 

To Mac he said: “Let me elaborate a bit more. Harm will look at the situation from your point of view and in an effort to help him understand why you ran.”

Then to Harm he continued: “Mac in tern will then look at her running from your point of view it will help her understand what it did to you. How you felt not being able to fix the problem and then being left alone without any answers. “  He ended by saying “The therapy usually has the effect of bring empathy and understanding into the situation and will allow you to let go of some of the hurt and anger.  Which is what you both want.”

There was no reply.

“That is what you want? At least so your files indicate.” Andy pressed.

“Yes it is.” Harm looked at Mac.

“Yes.” Mac nodded. “Yes. It just a bit harder than anticipated.”

”Anything worth fighting for is.” Andy conceded. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yes.” Mac confirmed “Andy we have made progress and I thank you.”

“I’m glad.” The Doctor replied.

=======================================

 

2300 LOCAL
THE MILLENNIUM CENTER
RABB'S ROOM

Mac stood and stared out the window at nothing in particular.  Actually she saw nothing for her mind was focused elsewhere.  The counseling session had taught her much, but what it had really done for her was show her that it was time for the Marine to return.

It had been six months since the death of their first-born and although she would never completely be over the loss she had got to the point where she could finally go on with her life.  She'd only needed to be in a place like this to finally realize it.

+  +  +

Harm emerged from the bathroom and spotted Mac at the window.  His heart ached. 

Ached at watching Mac struggle with the loss of their son.
Ached with love for her.
Ached at feeling so helpless.

He moved over to her and stood behind her as close as he could without actually touching.

She leaned back.

================================

 

DAY TWO - SATURDAY
0411 LOCAL
THE MILLENNIUM CENTER

Mac stirred she was restless.  She made a move to get out of the bed.  Harm woke.

Despite having relocated the phone to the shower.  Harm still whispered.  "Hey... what you up to?" He inquired softly.

"Going for a jog and to check the place. It was too late to see the grounds last night." She explained.

"I'll come with you.  How far are you going today? The usual 10 miles?"

She snorted.  "The usual...15."

=======================================

0503 LOCAL
THE MILLENNIUM CENTER - THE GROUNDS

Under the guise of jogging Harm and Mac had explored the grounds of the Center.  There were a number of abandoned buildings that could be used as storage. They made a note to return that night to further investigate.  It was not possible to slip into them during the day when the risk of being spotted was greater.

 

Finally they moved up a hill and took a break. There Mac sat along the tree line of the hill and was able to survey the property giving her a different angle on the place.

The Millennium Center was located on a serene property. There were well-manicured lawns, trimmed fruit trees and a small pond and the colonial ruins set along a series of small hills.  Truly a sanctuary. All that could be heard that early morning was the wind and the birds.  Surely one could not deny the existence of God in such a setting?

She glanced down at her husband who had stretched out with his head in her lap.  They had been through hell, but it looked like they were going to be ok.  Who would have thought that Webb and one of his hair brained missions would turn out to be their salvation?

"Comfortable Sir?" She smiled.

Harm was too content and replied with only an "mmm".

She surveyed the scene again.  "Harm if nothing else comes of this assignment you were right.  It did bring us back to each other."

He opened his eyes. "I love you Mrs. Rabb, but for the love of God never run out on me the way you did.”

"I love you too Mr. Rabb and one day we will have that family."

"I know." He whispered. "With time." 

She as about to reply to him when voices floated up the hill. "Kruger I tell you I saw two of them come up here!" A male said.

"Damit!" Harm complained, "A man can't even pay attention to his wife without some interruption!"

"Shhh" She said. “We’re not here to play around no matter how pleasurable.”

"Look the boss said NO ONE is to go traipsing around the place.  Bruce how could you let not one but two of them go exploring?"  Kruger accused.

Harm sprang up at the voices and with only an exchange of looks between them; he and Mac took cover among the trees.  Soon the two men appeared.

"So! Where are they?  You sure you saw folks up here!"  Kruger's voice floated across to the two Rabbs.

Bruce was tired of defending what he had seen. "Just check the stock pile make sure it's safe for tomorrow night after that we'd better and return. I for one will be glad when these guys collect at 11:00. "

"Nervous?"

"You're not?  We have been doing this for two years and all of a sudden the big boys what to come and see?! COME AND SEE WHAT!"

"Keep your voice down they maybe around."

"Oh for Pete's sake! Make up your mind. Either they are or they aren't!" It was too early in the day for this!

"OK let's go." The two of them moved towards the basement of one of the ruins as Harm and Mac adjusted their positions to observe without being observed.

=======================================

0530 LOCAL
THE MILLENNIUM CENTER - THE GROUNDS

Once the two were gone Harm and Mac made their way to the ruin to inspect the stash.

"Who would have though that the arms were so close?" Mac marveled. “We don’t need to return tonight.”

"They are moving the arms but we don't know on what day and who will be here." Harm said as he examined the stockpile."

"We are here for two more nights, all we can do is contact Webb and stake out the place." Mac said.

"Or contact Webb and let him stake out the place." Harm amended. "We'd better get back before they REALLY come looking for us."

She nodded in agreement.

 

=======================================

DAY THREE - SUNDAY
2312 LOCAL
THE MILLENNIUM CENTER

Everyone was late and Mac was irritated. 

She and Harm had found another hill to climb and had risked using the cell to call Webb.  They had kept the conversation short and cryptic.

At 2308 Mac was convinced that Webb had not understood one word that Harm had said.  Then he had arrived and confirmed that he had men spread out.

Now four minutes and thirteen seconds later she was just as convinced that the cell transmission had been intercepted and a trap was closing in on them as they waited.   The hunter becoming the hunted.

=============================================

2332 LOCAL
THE MILLENNIUM CENTER

Finally Kruger and Bruce appeared.  They went straight to the hidden stockpile.  Bruce looked at his watch.  "I don't like this."

[YOU don't like this.]  Mac thought.

"Chill." Kruger admonished, "You worry too much. It's not the first time a collection has been off time."

Bruce shrugged "I suppose." He moved away and sat near a hedge almost landing on Mac.  All the observers held their collective breath.

The two remained unaware of the audience.

Bruce checked his watch.

[It's 2345 twit!]  Mac thought.

"Its 23:45 where are they" He almost wailed.

"There." Kruger pointed I see headlights.

Sure enough the lead headlights of a convoy appeared.  The truck pulled to a halt in-front of the ruin that hosted the arms.  "What the hell happened!!!"

Bruce started then. "Sir. I didn't realize that you were on board."

"Really." An Australian accent floated across.  "And who were you expecting?"

"Sir we knew you were coming... we should have realized that you would be in the first vehicle." Kruger tried to pacify the boss.

"I just get nervous that's all sir."

As the conversation ensued the arms were being loaded.  Webb had seen and head enough and he gave the signal for the teams to move in.

The Australian accent had sounded all too familiar to Harm and he made a beeline for the muscular man.  The voice was even more well-known to Mac and she watched the slow motion movie as Harm took a running tackle at the man.

They rolled along the ground.  If she had not understood the reason fraternization was not allowed in the same chain of command she did now.   She watched helplessly as Harm and Mic rolled round each trying to gain control of the other.  If she got involved in this it had to be well timed. She picked her moment and shot.  She hit Mic Brumby in the shoulder blade in the back. He fell and Webb's people grabbed him.

Mac ran to Harm.  "You ok?"

He nodded "Yes. You shot!? I could have taken him"

"Yes dear." She replied, "But Mic's back is so broad it was a sure hit."

Webb joined them.  "He ok?" he asked Mac.

Before she could reply Harm butted in "I'm not dead Webb so don't ask as if I'm not here."

"Yep you're ok." Webb concurred.

Mac moved over to Michael "Mic" Brumby.  "Why?"

"The economy.  Everyone needs a second form of income." He was flip with his response.

 

“Mic it’s me. Mac. Give me a better answer than that.” She tried again.

 

Webb walked over to the former lovers.  “Mic here has been a bad boy.  After he returned to the Royal Australian Navy he took to drinking and carousing a bit too much. A woman can affect a man that way. Any way he got booted out and like many ex-military he turned mercenary.”

 

Mac swirled to Webb. “You knew it was him?” She ignored the inference that she was an influence on this outcome.

 

“We suspected.”

 

Mac swung and punched Webb dropping him like a stone.

 

“That’s my girl.” Mic smirked.

 

She stopped him short.  “You stay out of this. I’ve already shot you and I can do more.” She was livid.

 

Webb managed to get to his feet while holding onto his bleeding nose. “WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE!” he roared.  AJ had once punched him now Mac who was next Rabb?

 

“What is it?! WHAT IS IT?!” She moved up to him – he instinctively stepped back and was stopped by a truck. Mac was so furious that when she spoke only Webb and Harm heard.  “I’ll tell you what is it with you people… you waltz into JAG asking for my assistance for no other reason than you know I’m in the grip of the worst crisis of my life and you aim to use it to your advantage.  If that were not enough you nearly get my husband killed as he executes this mission and what is your pierce de resistance!  You knew … YOU KNEW! That the person we are tracking was my ex-fiancé! The fact that none of this sounds remotely twisted to you is an indication of just how much humanity you have lost assuming you were ever human to being with.” She trembled with anger.

 

Webb just stared at her.
 
 "Take me home." Harm growled at Mac in disgust.

Mac moved to her husband’s side to do as he asked.

=============================================

MONDAY
0312 LOCAL
RABB'S RESIDENCE

There really was nothing left to do after the raid but grab their bags and leave.

"Despite what it harbored that place was good for us." Mac admitted.

"I had all that I need with me all the time." Harm said.

"You did?"

"Uh huh ... you see ... I had searched and searched for years and years to find the one to love.   And all I'm going to do is I wrap you in my arms so tight and give thanks to God above that I found you.  All I will say I love you."

"That is quite a mouthful NAVY." She said, "I love you too. Just keep us away from Webb."

"Yes dear." He patronized.

THE END