Title: Harm and Mac Songbook: Me Myself I

Author: Rising Sun

Rated: PG-13

Classification: Agnst

Summary: The Rabb's lose Harm III.

Disclaimer: JAG characters portrayed belong to JAG, CBS and Paramount Television. No copyright infringement intended. All other characters depicted are purely fictional and any similarities to actual people are purely coincidental.

Spoilers: The Measure of Men.

Performing in this saga:

Joan Armatrading sings "Me Myself I"

Peter, Paul and Mary sing “Blowing in the Wind”

No knows who wrote Desiderata.

Feedback: Would be nice.

Author's note: Thanks to Karen for the Beta Read.

The HMS series is written in a manner that allows for each story to be read as a self-contained story or as part of an arc. This story is part of a potential quintet:

* HMS26a - Having My Baby Rated

* HMS26b - Me Myself I

* HMS26c - I Believe

* HMS26d - Isn't She Lovely

* HMS26e - If

Story Written October 2001

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1400 LOCAL

RABB RESIDENCE

Harm was scared.

He knew that under severe pressure Mac's modus opperendi was to run. And the pressure did not get more brutal than this. The last time he could remember Mac facing such stress was when his plane went down. That run had taken her to the Indian Ocean.

[FLASHBACK]

Harm had finally made contact with her after leaving messages and e-mails. "Mac, a TAD assignment? What's going on?"

She got defensive "It's not just me, Gunny's here too."

Yeah-right Harm thought but said, "Only because you're there."

Mac heaved a mental sigh to collect her strength to deal with this man "needed to clear my head."

"How long are you going to be gone?" He asked.

"Until they replace me." She replied.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

He could not afford to loose Mac like that. He had to do something - but WHAT!

He would grieve later. Right now his priority was Mac. In the gloom of the room he could just see her form curled up in a fetal position.

[Ironic] he thought. [She's in a fetal position and we have lost our baby.]

The doctors had babbled something at him but if called upon to recall he'd be hard pressed to repeat. All he knew was that Harmon David Rabb, HR to everyone had never lived to see the light of day.

[My son is dead.] He was feeling a pain that no language could describe. He wanted to curl up and die. That was probably Mac's thought too.

=======================================

I sit here by myself and you know I love it

You know I don't want some one to come pay visit

I want to be by myself I came in this world alone

Me Myself I

=======================================

She was scared.

[If ever I needed a drink, today is the day] she thought. The doctors had explained that one out of one hundred pregnancies ended in stillbirth and that just like her case the cause will never be found and that later miscarriages accounted for twelve percent of all stillbirths in America. Statistics! They meant nothing! My baby is dead! God help me my baby is dead!

Harm had brought her home and she had headed straight for the bedroom, closed the curtains, left all lights off and curled up on the bed.

That had been two days ago.

She heard Harm walk in and felt him stare.

[My son is dead.] She thought and a tear rolled sown her cheek.

"Mac" He called. There was no emotion to his voice.

She didn't reply.

The ritual played out. "Mac we need to talk honey."

Still no reply and as with the days before, "Mac please." He begged, "Talk to me." Every time he entered the room to check on her to get her to eat. There was nothing and he eventually walked out. Till the next time he entered the room and the rite played out in dreadful accuracy.

She just stayed in bed.

=======================================

ONE WEEK LATER

RABB RESIDENCE

Mac had finally emerged from the 'tomb' the day before. She and Harm spoke but it was far from communication.

That morning she had an announcement.

That morning Harm's worst fear became manifest.

That morning Mac ran.

"I'm leaving." She announced in a deadpan voice.

"Leaving?" fear gripped Harm. "Don't leave."

Her eyes narrowed at the plea. "Don't ask. Don't tell." She quoted military policy at him. "I'm leaving will be back... when I am back."

He opened his mouth to object but changed his mind. Then changed it again and objected. "Mac you can't leave. I lost a baby too. Stay. Let us talk, we can get counseling. We need each other right now. In sickness and in health remember?" He needed all his lawyering skills this day. "Mac if I have to beg I will. Don't go stay."

He could see her waiver. "Harm" she softened "I need this time alone. I will be of no use to you my job or myself if I stay. Please understand. I need this time."

Well he'd tried. He mutely nodded, grabbed his car keys and walked out.

=======================================

I want to go to China and to see Japan

I want to sail the oceans before the seas run dry

I want to go by myself as there's room enough for one

Me Myself I

=======================================

DAY ONE

1610 LOCAL

LOUVET ESTATE, SAINT LUCIA

She had considered Red Rock Mesa but knew that Harm could find her there and she did not want to be found. She headed south.

Her contacts in the Caribbean had been well forged and she arrived on the tiny island, jumped into the jeep that was waiting for her at the Airport and headed North-East for Louvet Estate, a 605-acre property located near the community of Aux Lyon: population 1,200. The estate had been part of a large sugar estate in the early 19th century, and the ruins of the sugar era still present were to provide a base camp for her.

She arrived; set up camp then perched herself on a cliff and let the crashing waves hypnotize her. Time passed in a gentle flow and she began to relax. She was rewarded with nature's evening ritual of sunset and was spectacular as is everything in nature. In the tropics twilight is none existent and the setting sun gave way to night abruptly.

Mac just sat in the warn night listening to the sounds of the darkness. There for the first time since she lost baby HR she cried. She just sat on the cliff side with nature and her creatures as witness and mournedthe loss of a life that had never begun.

Eventually remembering the warnings of her friend that this was snake country she got up and headed back to camp.

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DAY TWO

0725 LOCAL

LOUVET ESTATE

Mac had not slept that late in a long time. In fact it had been a while since she had had an uninterrupted nights sleep. The lullaby that nature sang had worked wonders.

She went exploring.

She found a number of natural attributes such as a waterfall she judged to be 100 feet high, two rivers, a collapsed blowhole, a wetland area, a variety of geological formations and of course the beach she had seen on her way in. In her explorations she discovered that the beach was also a nesting site for birds, iguanas and the infamous Fer-de-Lance, which she spied once slithering along the under growth.

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DAYS ONE TO FIVE

LOUVET ESTATE

For the week she spent on the estate Mac had done nothing more strenuous than swim.

She swam and lazed around the base of the waterfall.

She swam and lazed in both rivers.

She swam and lazed on the beach.

Her cycle of existence became wake up, swim, eat, watch the sunset, sleep then start the cycle all over again. Ah life in the tropics.

The nights, however brought with them not only the dangers of venomous snakes and irritating mosquitoes but the reliving of the nightmare of loosing HR. Harmon David Rabb III had been called HR from the time they had agreed on the name. The unborn was so much a part of their lives both of Harm and herself and the JAG corps. The actual experience of carrying that baby could never be conveyed by mere words. Neither could the horror of the loss be put into words. She could not do that again.

Mac knew many languages and none sufficed.

For every night Mac spent at Louvette she asked the crickets the same question "Now what?" She got the same answer. "It's blowing in the wind."

She didn't know if she ever wanted children again. Did she even want to be with Harm? The loss had made her rethink her place in the scheme of things.

One day as she explored the area, 605 acres cannot be explored, as it should be, on foot in one day, a paper fluttered her way. It slammed into her shin and as she took a step it stayed there. She reached down to deal with it when a phrase caught her eye. The phrase expanded into a sentence and it into a paragraph. It read, "You are a child of the Universe no less than the trees and the stars you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should."

The night crickets had been correct the answer was "It's blowing in the wind." She continued exploring.

As the rest of the days and nights unfolded Mac slowly took control of her shattered heart and scattered wits. She would never be the same, but she would survive as she always had. But what a cross to bear!

Then the final day arrived and she closed down the camp, jumped into the jeep and headed for civilization.

She felt rejuvenated, but sad.

She would always feel sad.

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Don't wanna be the bad guy

Don't wanna make a soul cry

It's not that I love myself

I just don't want company

'cept Me Myself I

Me Myself and I

Just Me Myself I

=======================================

SUNDAY - 1509 LOCAL

RABB RESIDENCE

Harm walked into the kitchen. "Hey"

"Hey" she replied and looked at the bags in his hand. "Coming or going?"

He looked down at the bag. "Coming... with you gone, no baby even the resident spirit seemed to have gone to ground, the place felt more like a mausoleum than a home. When did you get back?"

"An hour ten minutes ago, I return to work tomorrow. There are cards, notes and voice mail from friends and family on our loss."

"OK" He acknowledged. "I return to work on Tuesday, but figured "I'd return today instead."

"Mmm." She replied. "Want some?" she held up a cup of coffee.

"Sure." He dumped the bag and sat on the stool at the counter.

They drank.

"Mac." Harm broached the topic "We need to talk."

"I know ... we will. I promise." She touched his cheek gently.

It was communication but far from conversation.

THE END.

For info on the Saint Lucia National Trust visit: http://www.slunatrust.org