Title: Harm and Mac Songbook: Sold

Author: Rising Sun

Rated: PG-13 (NC-17 version available)

Classification: JAG Story/Humour

Summary: Harm vs Mic at the Toys for Tots Auction of Bacheloretts

Disclaimer: JAG characters portrayed belong to JAG, CBS and Paramount Television. No copyright infringement intended. All other characters depicted are purely fictional and any similarities to actual people are purely coincidental.

Performing in this saga:

John Michael Montgomery sings “Sold”

Feedback: Would be nice.

Author's Note: How Mac got the war wounds may be read in HMS10 - Marijuana

Story Written - 2001

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0930 LOCAL

JAG HEADQUARTES

FALLSCHURCH VA

The weekly assignment of cases was coming to an end. Admiral AJ Chedwiggen had one final announcement for the members. "Ladies and Gentlemen the Marine Corps Committee on Toys for Tots has sent out its annual invitation for the fundraiser. This year the invite comes in the form of a challenge."

"Challenge sir?" Mac asked.

"Yes Colonel a challenge I expect you as a Marine to accept. This year there is to be an Auction of Bacheloretts to be held in a fortnight's time."

"An Auction of Bacheloretts. Is that what I think it is sir?" Carolyn wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer to the question.

"Yes Commander. You ladies present yourselves and we gentlemen bid for a date." AJ confirmed as Harm grinned from ear to ear.

"Change from the usual Auction of Bachelors sir." Harm said.

"Yes Commander. I for one look forward to it. As usual I expect nothing but the best from my people and I expect JAG to raise the most funds this year. The Inspector General's Office beat us two years ago at the Auction of Bachelors a defeat that still stings people. You know what I want let's go do it. Dismissed!"

"Aye sir! The room chorused."

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"So Mac you taking part?" Harm teased.

She looked round to see who could hear. "My office."

"Mac?" Harm couldn't understand the cloak and dagger routine.

"Harm ... I have to take part as a matter of principal as the only female Marine here. But how can I? The ladies are presented in eveningwear usually décolleté..."

Harm raised his hand and stopped her. "We'll go shopping. I understand the concern. I wouldn't want to show off my war wounds either."

"Thanks Harm."

"Any time sweetie." He whispered to her before he walked back to his office.

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Well, I went down to the Grundy County Auction

Where I saw somethin' I just had to have

My Mind told me I should proceed with caution

But my heart said "Go ahead an' make a bid on that!"

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TWO WEEKS LATER

1900 LOCAL

BACK STAGE - AUCTION OF BACHELORETTS

General Edwards was prowling the back stage ensuring that all was well and that there were no unexpected fuck ups. That was when Mac came into the line of sight.

"Who's that!" The General demanded scanning Mac without her even knowing that she was under observation.

"Colonel Sarah MacKenzie Marine Officer JAG Corps. " The aide supplied the information after consulting the clipboard.

"At what number does she walk out there?"

"Number ten of twenty five General."

The General glared at the Lieutenant. "And whose bright idea was that?"

"They dipped for ranking."

"I don't care if a golden baton was used. Look at that woman. She is going to bring the house down. Those men out there are going to fall over themselves to get to her. Mark my words when she leaves that stage there will be no money left in that room to bid on a dog. Reassign her to appear last, inform her of such and move every one up one."

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1917 LOCAL

BACK STAGE - AUCTION OF BACHELORETTS

Mac was nervous. She wished that she had dipped the number one position, as it was she was ranked at number ten out of twenty-five and the wait was worse than any court battle. She felt a tap on her shoulder. "Colonel MacKenzie?" A Lieutenant asked.

"Yes." She confirmed.

"General Edwards informs you that you have been moved to last position in the line up."

Even as the horror of the wait loomed she accepted the command and said. "Thank you Lieutenant." No use hanging around now. She returned to the dressing room.

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An' I said hey, pretty lady, won'cha gi' me a sign

I'd give anything to make you mine all mine

I'll do your biddin' an' be at your beck an' call

Yeah, I never seen anyone looking so fine

Man, I gotta have her, she's a one of a kind

I'm going once; I'm going twice,

I'm sold! On the lady in the second row

She's an eight, she's a nine, she's a ten, I know

She's got ruby-red lips, blond hair, blue eyes

An' I'm about to bid my heart good-bye!

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1930 LOCAL

AUCTION OF BACHELORETTS

BIDDING HALL

Harm sat with the rest of the JAG men and waited for the JAG ladies to appear. They chatted away making observations on the caliber of female in the Armed Forces.

Bud bid on Harriett and lost to Tiner.

"Bud how could you lose a bid on you own wife?" Alan Matoni teased.

"Lieutenant I think that it is safe to say that this is one story you will never live down. At every promotion this day will be raked up and I for one will testify to the truth of it." His Commanding Officer promised him.

"Yes sir." Bud was miserable.

"Any one keeping score?" The Admiral demanded. "I need to know if we are winning or losing people."

"Yes sir. I am sir." Bud replied. "So far Harriett, Carolyn and Lauren have gone for five hundred and seventy five dollars. With only Colonel MacKenzie left to go for JAG."

"It seems the average bid here is two hundred bucks." Victor Galindez observed.

"When is the Colonel coming on any way?" Tiner asked.

"Why you going to bid on her too!" Bud demanded. The men grinned.

Gunny's sharp eyes caught a familiar silhouette. "Sir there is Mic Brumby."

"Where!" Harm swung round instantly.

"There." Gunny indicated.

"Go invite him over Tiner." AJ ordered.

"Aye sir."

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2000 LOCAL

AUCTION OF BACHELORETTS

BIDDING HALL

"Did we miss Mac?" AJ asked.

"Sir they must be keeping her for last! That means she's the cream of the crop!" Bud finally showed a spark of life.

The JAG men exchanged looks. "Rabb." AJ said.

He shrugged. "You are asking a biased witness sir. Mac always looks good to me. But I suspect that Bud is right."

On queue the auctioneer announced "Colonel Sarah MacKenzie Marine Officer JAG Corps!" The men of JAG were familiar with the Colonel and her looks yet even they stared.

As stated by the Gunny the average winning bid had been two hundred. The first bid for Mac began at five. The room was stunned. With one bid a record had been set. The JAG table was astounded for the bid had come from their table! Mic Brumby had laid the gauntlet down. He stared at Harm.

Harm was disoriented for a split second. Then devised a plan on the spot on how to win the bid on Mac and to irritate Brumby at the same time ... the recipe for glee.

"Five hundred and one." Harm said.

A few other ranking Officers bid and brought the total to one thousand dollars. General Edwards had called it correct. Mac was a winner with no end in sight.

The twenty-four other Bacheloretts emerged from the sidelines to witness the historic event. Mac could not believe what she was hearing one thousand dollars! And counting!

The auctioneer thought to himself [about time! Now we can get this baby rolling!]

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Well the auctioneer was goin' about a mile a minute

He was takin' bids an callin' them out loud

An' I guess I was really getting' in it

'Cause I just shouted out above the crowd!

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Finally it came down to Mic and Harm. It was no longer a charity fundraiser but a basic battle between two alpha males for a female.

Mic: "One thousand one hundred"

Harm: "One thousand one hundred and one"

Mic: "One thousand two hundred"

Harm: "One thousand two hundred and one Give it up Mic you can't win."

Mic: "Two thousand! We'll see."

The room gasped. Support staff had left what they were doing to witness the battle.

Harm: "Two thousand and one. Oh but I do."

Mic: "Two thousand five hundred!"

Harm: "Two thousand five hundred and one."

AJ Chedweggin finally had had enough. "Mic stop."

Mic: "Three thousand five hundred! No sir."

Harm: "Three thousand five hundred and one."

Mic: "Four thousand."

Harm: "Four thousand and one."

Mic was agitated "Damn!" and he stormed out of the room.

BANG! Down went the gavel causing every one in the room to jump. "SOLD! To the gentleman in the second table. Ladies and Gentlemen at a record bid of four thousand and one dollars for Colonel Sarah MacKenzie Marine Officer JAG Corps!"

The JAG table broke out in high school whoops.

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2030 LOCAL

AFTER THE AUCTION OF BACHELORETTS

"So flyboy now that you are broke does that mean a hamburger for dinner?"

"No ma'am."

"Harm what possessed you! Do I even want to know where that money came from?"

"There are times when I do get a little help from my friends in this case Frank. There was no way ANY man was walking out with you on his arm. I spoke with Frank and mum and they backed me all the way. Besides it's for charity. Not to mention that look in your eyes."

Mac was looking at Harm with pure love in her eyes. She reached over and kissed him. "I love you."

"Not in public please Colonel" AJ teased.

"Sir" she smiled. "I can only assume that we beat the Inspector General?"

"Damn straight. 'nigt."

"Good night sir." They replied.

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An' I said hey, pretty lady, won'cha gi' me a sign

I'd give anything to make you mine all mine

I'll do your biddin' an' be at your beck an' call

Yeah, I never seen anyone looking so fine

Man, I gotta have her, she's a one of a kind

I'm going once; I'm going twice,

I'm sold! On the lady in the long black dress

"Cause she won my heart it was no contest

With her ruby-red lips, blond hair, blue eyes

An' I'm about to bid my heart good-bye!

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0930 LOCAL

JAG HEADQUARTES

FALLSCHURCH VA

The weekly assignment of cases was coming to an end. Admiral AJ Chedwiggen had one final announcement for the members. "Ladies and Gentlemen suffice it to say the Colonel did JAG and the Marines proud. That was some display Colonel. I for one am impressed and DAMN GLAD WE BEAT THE INSPECTOR GENERAL'S OFFICE. Oo rah! Dismissed!"

"Aye sir! The room chorused."

THE END.