Title: Harm and Mac Songbook: Never Ever

Author: Rising Sun

Rated: PG

Classification: Story

Summary: Harm finds a letter that explains much.

Disclaimer: JAG characters portrayed belong to JAG, CBS and Paramount Television. No copyright infringement intended. All other characters depicted are purely fictional and any similarities to actual people are purely coincidental.

Performing in this saga: "Never Ever" is sung by All Saints

Feedback: Would be nice.

Author's Note: The HMS series is written in a manner that allows for each story to be read as a self-contained story or as part of an arc. This story is part of a possible sextet:

* HMS11a: It Wasn't Me

* HMS11b: Lady Love

* HMS11c: Emotions

* HMS11d: Last Night I Didn't Get to Sleep At All

* HMS11e: Survivor

* HMS11f: Never Ever

To find out about Mac's lost child read HMS22d: How Do I Live and HMS26b: Me Myself I

Story Written September 2001

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2350 LOCAL

RABB RESIDENCE

Mac was restless. Here she was as large as a whale AGAIN. This time with twins no less. She had no objection to making love to her Naval Officer but these side effects were getting tedious. This was the last time she vowed to herself. Four children were enough!

She managed to roll over and finally to get out of the bed and waddle to the bathroom. She needed a bubble bath. She really did not care what time it was. Being eight months pregnant was a trial and a tribulation but being eight months pregnant with twins was penance.

Feeling like a beached whale Mac lowered herself into the bathtub.

She sighed with complete contentment and smiled to herself. It was a constant source of amusement that for all four pregnancies she had suffered none of the horrors usually associated with the condition. Harm on the other hand had a different story to tell. Well if she was going to balloon this way the least he could do was suffer morning sickness and cravings. And he had them with a vengeance. She actually felt sorry for him at times. Then caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror then thought "NAH!"

Both of them were on leave in anticipation of the new arrivals. Her drifting thoughts were interrupted "Mac? Where are you?"

"In the tub."

"Well David and Catherine are all settled in."

"It took that long to get them to sleep?" She asked.

"No they were tired and fell asleep almost instantly. I was just watching them for a while." He explained.

Mac didn't have the heart to tell him it had been two hours forty-eight minutes since he had gone to tuck the two into bed.

"You need help?"

"Some more hot water would be good." She requested.

"Sure." He opened the tap and later closed it at her command. "I'll leave you to just be. Call if you need anything."

"Thanks. You feel ok?"

"Still unsettled but I'll bounce back as soon as the twins arrive."

"I know you will." She sympathized as he left her to "BE"

=========================================

0015 LOCAL

RABB RESIDENCE

Harm rummaged in Mac's seventy-five percent section of the chest of drawers. He still marveled at the amount of space that woman needed. He was searching of a nightdress to lay out for her. Truth be told as far as he was concerned Mac did not need the damn thing, but experience had shown that she was self-conscious about herself and would want to cover up.

He felt a paper and instinctively pulled it out. It was addressed to Captain Harmon David Rabb Jr. in Mac's handwriting but why so formal? It was not sealed. His search forgotten Harm settled on their bed and opened the letter. It was a draft.

Dear Harm had been crossed and replaced by

Dear Captain Rabb that too had been crossed the replaced by

Dear Harm

I really don't know where to start. I heard the lines of this song and it fit too well to pass up.

A few questions that I need to know

How you could ever hurt me so

I need to know, what I've done wrong

And how long it's been going on

Was it that I never paid enough attention?

Or did I not give enough affection?

Not only will your answers keep me sane

But I'll know never to make the same mistake again

You can tell me to my face,

Or even on the phone,

You can write it in a letter,

Either way, I have to know

Did I never treat you right?

Did I always start the fight?

Either way I'm going out of my mind

All the answers to my questions, I have to find

Now how could I say that any better? I don't even know how to start communicating with you.

Do I call?

Do I write?

Do I say nothing?

I don't even know how to start this letter. Formal? Familiar?

Do I want a divorce?

Do I want you back?

Do I love you?

Do you love me?

Is it even about love?

Harm how could you do such a thing? How could you bring another woman to our home and cheat on me with her? In our bed! With her! She of all people!

The letter was never finished and never sent. The ink was running in place and it was covered with watermarks indicating that she been crying as she wrote it. He lowered his head in shame. What had he done? What kind of animal was he? Rutting so badly that he had slept with Renee! He'd hurt his wife nearly lost his family and disappointed his mother. Wolves had more loyalty to a mate.

Mac walked in...

=========================================

"Harm? Honey? You sick again?" Mac was concerned. It was almost as if expecting twins had intensified Harms reactions. Then she saw the paper. "What's that orders?"

He looked guilty as he handed over the unfinished letter. "I'll never be able to make you understand how badly I feel." He said.

She took it and did a quick scan and took a deep breath then said "We've talked about this already. If I remember I got pregnant that night." She rubbed her stomach.

"Yes but..."

She stopped him. "Harm if you keep picking at this wound it will not heal. Let it be." She moved towards the chest of drawers.

He knew better than to challenge an order from an eight-month pregnant Marine Colonel. "Here let me get that. It was what I was doing when I found the paper."

She sat back and waited. "Dump the letter. I had forgotten about it. Just dump it."

Harm handed her the clothes with the song running through his mind.

=========================================

My head's spinnin'

Boy I'm in a daze

I feel isolated

Don't wanna communicate

I'll take a shower,

I will scour, I will run

Find peace of mind, the happy mind

I once owned, yeah!

Flexin vocabulary runs through me

The alphabet runs right from A to Zee

Conversations, hesitations in my mind

You got my conscious asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy

I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no

I'm just waiting

Cos' I heard that this feelin won't last that long

=========================================

"Harm." Mac called.

"Harm" Mac repeated.

She hit him "Harm!"

"Huh?" He snapped out of his daydreaming. He suddenly focused. "It's not time is it!?"

"No" She smiled. Since the death of their first-born each pregnancy had been an extra stressful time for both of them. "No" she repeated softly. "You left me for a moment there and I would like you here with me. Besides I would like to go to bed."

"Sure sure." He jumped up to assist. "So what are we naming these folk? It's been months since we found out the genders and still we can't decide. Time is running short."

"I thought of James Franklin and Elliott Jared." She said.

"Franklin Jared I assume is for my step father. James and Elliott are for that actor in Jaguar isn't it."

She blushed "Yeah. I just like the name David James Elliott and if I have the good fortune to have three boys then why not? Our first born is already David Harmon Matthew we have all the bases covered."

He shrugged "Who am I to argue with the mother of my children?" He conceded.

"Thanks honey. If I could I'd lean over and kiss you."

"I can fix that." He leaned over and kissed her.

"This the last time I go through this pregnancy thing Harm." She stated.

"YOU go through this! I'm the one with the cravings. I'm the one with the morning sickness." He replied. "But for sure this the last time babe. If I have to have a vasectomy this is the last time. "

"That won't be necessary dear." She giggled.

"Mac." He got sober "I love you."

"I know. I know." She didn't just refer to the declaration of affection. "I love you too. Get me in bed sailor."

"Aye ma'am."

As he listened to the sound of his beloved sleeping, he shed a tear as the song continued to haunt him.

=========================================

Never ever have I ever felt so low

When you gonna take me out of this black hole

Never ever have I ever felt so sad

The way I'm feelin yeah, you got me feelin really bad

Never ever have I had to find

I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind

I've never ever had my conscious to fight

The way I'm feelin' yeah, it just don't feel right

I'll keep searchin' deep within my soul

For all the answers

Don't wanna hurt no more

I need peace, gotta feel at ease

Need to be free from pain, going insane

THE END