Yellow Light
The title and the lyrics are taken from Remy Zero’s song ‘Yellow Light’.
Hey, I can't get my head straight,
Of words we're twenty blocks too late.
Now the devil is in my face;
She seems to be looking down.
And hey, have you heard about Mr. Crow?
Well, I think so but I don't know.
Well, you can't let your panic show.
My bones is beginning to shake,
Reach out your hollow flame,
Oh, you're hangin' so weird and strange,
Oh, your darkest days, they're just beginning now
And hey, got to move all across this thing,
as the moon has made everything mean.
Now it tears apart my brain,
My bones is beginning to shake,
Reach out your hollow flame,
Oh, you're hangin' so weird and strange,
Oh, your darkest days, they're just beginning now
Come and leave somehow,
lights to the world
the sun is rising from the moon and the earth to the stars.
Simple wings are simply pulled apart.
My bones is beginning to shake,
Reach out your hollow flame,
Oh, you're hangin' so weird and strange,
Oh, you're brightest days they're just ending
Oh, your darkest days, they're just beginning now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JUSTIN:
I’m sitting here in my Visual Communication class trying to listen to my professor go on and on about some lame project that we have to do. We have to pick a book from a list that he handed out to us, read it, and then paint a book cover for it. I think the old fart forgot that this is supposed to be a…shit, here’s an excerpt from the syllabus: “A studio course applying visual principles of communication to written presentations using the most common PC graphics programs mostly Photoshop and illustrator”. I think we’ve used graphics programs twice all semester. I yawn again. He’s saying something about finding a partner and all I can think of is going home and getting some sleep.
Ever since Brian and I got back together…well, officially together and I moved back in with him…two months and 6 days ago, to be exact…we’ve been fucking like crazy every night and it’s starting to get to me. I guess I’m getting old. I close my eyes for a moment. Then tell myself to better keep them open…I might start snoring. What a great impression to make on your teacher…fall asleep in his class. I open my eyes again just in time to hear him dismiss the class. Thank God. I stash the notebook into my backpack.
“Hey, Justin,” I hear behind me. I turn around.
“Hey, Robby,” I say to the cute guy sitting behind me. I’ve had a couple of other classes with him before. He’s a pretty nice guy. Very good looking. And talented. “What’s up?”
“Do you have a partner for this project?” he asks.
“No.”
“Wanna do it together?”
“Sure.”
I don’t really care at this particular moment. Just want to go home.
“Great. When do you wanna get together?”
“Not sure yet. I need to find out what my work schedule is for next week.”
“Uhm…here…” He writes a phone number on a piece of paper and gives it to me, “Give me a call when you know.”
“Cool,” I take the phone number and stash it in my pocket. “Talk to you later.” I smile at him and leave.
I’m going home.
I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep. Probably longer than I should have. I feel someone nuzzling my neck…placing soft kisses down my shoulder. I open my eyes in spite of myself.
“Hey, sleepy head,” he whispers. It must be late if he’s already home from work.
“Hey,” I say, closing my eyes. “What time is it?”
“After 7.”
Shit. I had homework to do before going out tonight. I open up my eyes and turn to him.
“You were smiling,” he says with a smirk, “Were you dreaming about us fucking again?”
“I was dreaming about sleeping again,” I say, making a face at him.
He gives me a funny look, “Are you actually admitting that I’m wearing you out?”
“No,” I say, but he just raises his eyebrow. “Yes.” I give in.
He just laughs.
“Are we meeting the guys at Babylon?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he nods his head, then gets off the bed and starts to undress. He turns and looks at me, “You wanna stay in tonight?”
“No, it’s fine,” I lie. We made plans this morning. “I might have to meet you there, though.” I finally get up and head to the bathroom to take a leak.
When I come out he’s in the kitchen making a sandwich.
“Hungry?” he asks. I just shake my head. All I really want right now is more sleep, but I have to read the fucking book for class.
“Why don’t you skip your shift tomorrow and get some rest,” he says, taking a bite.
“Can’t. Need the money. Molly’s birthday’s next week and I have to buy her a present.”
“You always give her a drawing.”
“Exactly. And I think she wants something else for a change.”
“Well, one day when you become famous, she’ll make lots of money on your earlier works,” he smiles, puts the sandwich down, and walks over to me.
“Yeah, like that’s gonna happen,” I say. I’m not very confident right this minute.
“It will. Trust me,” he says, putting his arms around me.
“You’re biased.” I love it that he thinks that, but I know better.
“Maybe. I’m also always right,” he says.
I kiss him then pull away. Got the damn homework to do.
I snuggle with a blanket and the stupid book I’ve never heard of before on the couch while Brian’s working on the computer. I know he wants a quick fuck before going out, but he stays away, lets me do my homework. And I love him even more for that. I know that more than anything else he wants me to succeed and he’s willing to sacrifice whatever’s needed for it. And trust me…not fucking is a sacrifice for Brian.
~~~
I knock on the door of Robby’s room. He opens it almost right away.
“Hey,” he says and lets me in.
“Hi.”
I walk in and look around. The room’s pretty small. Of course compared to Brian’s loft almost everything else will seem small.
“I know it’s not much, but hey, it’s a roof over my head,” he says.
"Besides, my roommate’s almost never here, so I get the place all to myself.”
“Those are the best kind of roommates, huh?”
“Yeah,” he laughs.
We work on our project for the next few hours…talk about the book, which was as boring as hell…and different ideas we have for the cover. I show him a couple of sketches I’ve done. I catch him staring at me a couple of times, but I keep on talking about the project. He gets up to stretch while I just stretch out on the floor and watch him. He’s not much taller than I, a bit more built though. My eyes glide from his shoulders, down his arms, to his chest. He definitely works out. My gaze drifts down. I can tell he’s getting hard. I look back up at his brown eyes. He’s gazing back at me.
“You hungry?” he asks.
I shake my head. “You?”
He stares down at me, then says, no, almost whispers, “Yes.”
I know what he wants. I’ve seen that look so many times before. Slowly, I get up. He’s standing next to the bed. I make a few steps towards him. A voice in my head is screaming that I shouldn’t do it, that it would complicate things, but I push it away as I push him onto the bed and get on top of him…any coherent thought…I push away.
~~~
BRIAN:
It’s after midnight when he gets home. I stayed in tonight, don’t know why. The truth is…I’m just as worn out as he is. It’s funny. I never thought that would ever happen. Of course I’d never admit it to anybody else, even him.
He drops his backpack as soon as he shuts the door behind him. God, he looks tired. He pushes himself too hard. I want to tell him that, but that would be like waving red in front of a bull.
“Hey,” he comes over with a smile and kisses me lightly, then heads to the bedroom.
I get up and follow him. He pulls his sweater off then drops on the bed. I look at him and realize something.
“Somebody got lucky tonight,” I say playfully, hiding the fact that it bothers me. I don’t know why. I keep telling myself that the thing with Ethan is in the past. That we got past that, but I still feel it…the jealousy, the hurt, the emptiness after he left.
He looks at me, obviously doesn’t want to talk about it. “I thought we agreed not to talk about this.” He’s right. We did. The rules and the games we had obviously didn’t work before, so we decided to skip them this time around. See how it goes.
“Who’s talking about this? I’m just stating the fact.”
He just sighs and rolls his eyes. I can tell something’s bothering him. I flop on the bed next to him.
“What’s wrong?”
“Just tired, that’s all,” he lies, but I play along.
“Maybe you should cut down on your hours at the diner,” I mention it again.
He looks at me, then gets off the bed. “I’ll be fine.” He strips his pants off, “I’m gonna take a shower.”
“Want some company?”
He turns around and smiles, “Don’t I always?”
I watch him make his way into the bathroom. He never looks if I’d follow. The little shit knows that I always do.
~~~
JUSTIN:
“Hey, Sunshine!” I hear Deb call me, “You have a visitor,” she says when I come out from the back.
“Hey, Robby.”
“Sunshine?” he asks, amused by my nickname.
I laugh with him, “Yeah, she’s called me that since I’ve met her.”
“I can see why.”
I pretend not to know what he means by that.
“So, you’re ready to go?” he asks.
“Yeah, let me just get my stuff.”
“Oh, shit,” I exclaim.
“What is it?” he asks, concerned.
“I forgot the whole folder with all the sketches at home. Do you mind if we stop by on the way?”
“No, not at all.”
I say bye to Debbie and we leave.
~~~
“Wow, this place is huge,” he says, looking around the loft.
“Yeah.” It doesn’t seem as big after you’ve lived there for a while.
“How can you afford it?”
I stop and look at him, “Me? Are you nuts? It’s my boyfriend’s loft.”
“Your boyfriend?”
“Yeah,” I answer, the look on his face making me uncomfortable for some reason. “I thought you knew,” I add.
He shakes his head, “But what about…I mean…what happened…that night.”
Please, God, not again.
“That’s just what it was…that night,” I try not to sound too cruel. Making another trick cry was not on my to do list for today.
“What about your boyfriend?”
“We have an understanding,” I explain, “But I DO have a boyfriend,” I’m trying to make that clear to him.
“But…”
“Look, Robby, you were great, really. But that was it…I can’t offer you any more than that. I’m with somebody. That’s not gonna change.” I try to keep my voice firm, but not to sound too harsh.
I know I hurt him. I know he was expecting something else, something more.
“Maybe we should reschedule this for another day,” I say.
“No, no, the project’s due in less than two weeks,” he says. “We should go.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Ok,” I grab the folder and we leave the loft.
~~~
The next two weeks have been awkward. Really awkward. The stares, the touches, the little things that he did. I tried to act as if I didn’t notice. One day it was really cold outside. He brought two cups of coffee to the studio. Said something about wanting to always keep me warm. In other circumstance I’d probably have thought it was sweet, but the way he said it gave me the creeps.
“No, thanks,” I said, “I don’t drink coffee.” I was about to give him the lecture I always give Brian, but then just said, “I get enough stimulation at home.”
“Brian,” he seemed angry.
“Yes. Brian,” I said. “My boyfriend,” I look straight at him. I need him to understand that nothing’s going to happen again. Ever. He looked away.
Two days later we were done with our project and I was happy that the whole thing was over.
~~~
BRIAN:
We’re at Woody’s playing pool.
“I’m done,” I say to the rest of them. We’ve been playing pool for over an hour now.
I grab a stool next to Justin and sit. He hands me a bottle of beer as we watch Emmett shooting pool.
I look over at Justin. For the first time in weeks he seems relaxed, at ease. He doesn’t even notice that I’m watching him. Good. Don’t need to give his ego any more boosts. I look away before anybody else notices. This hot guy catches my eye. I’ve seen him somewhere before. At first I think he’s looking back at me, but then I realize…he’s like me…he’s staring at Justin.
“Isn’t that Bobby? Or whatever his name is,” I say, pointing to the guy. I’ve seen him once when I was picking up Justin from school.
Justin turns around and then turns back quickly. “Shit.” Immediately he becomes tense, apprehensive. "Robby,” he corrects me.
“What?” I ask. Justin’s usually very sociable. Sometimes too sociable.
“That guy’s just…I don’t know. He just creeps me out.”
I look at Justin and look back at Robby. And I realize just why Justin’s been so uptight lately.
“You fucked him,” I say, hoping not to make it sound like an accusation.
He looks at me, then looks away and sighs.
“He’s everywhere I go. This is getting ridiculous.”
Now where have I heard that before? “Well, now you’ve got a stalker of your own,” I laugh.
Except he’s not amused. “Fuck you,” he says.
“That’s not a bad idea,” I say. He looks back at me. We’re on the same page.
We’re saying our good byes to the guys, when Robby comes over.
“Hi, Justin,” he says with this huge smile on his face.
“Oh…uh… hi, Robby,” he says. No smile. Not even a hint of it.
“You wanna get a drink?” Robby asks.
I’m about to make a sarcastic comment about how perceptive he is, considering he’s been watching Justin drinking beer for the past thirty minutes, but I don’t. I keep my mouth shut. I know Justin needs to handle this on his own.
“Uh, no thanks. We were just leaving,” Justin says, standing closer to me. He puts his arm around my waist and the other guy looks like he’s going to barf any minute now.
I really want to say, “He’s mine, kid. Fuck off,” but I’m not an asshole…well…sometimes. I just smirk at him instead. He just sort of nods and leaves, without a word. I feel Justin take a deep breath.
“Why didn’t you introduce us?” Emmett whines.
“Because he’s not a friend,” Justin’s voice is firm, there’s not arguing with him right now.
~~~
A couple of days later I come home from work to find Justin practically turning the whole loft upside down.
“Whatta fuck are you doing?”
He stops in the middle of removing cushions from the couch and looks at me. He looks like he’s having a panic attack.
“Have you seen my scarf?” He asks.
“What scarf?”
“The green one. The one my mom gave me with my initials on it.”
I shake my head. “Did you look in the closet?”
He looks at me like I just asked him the dumbest question in the world. I realize of course that I have since he’s now looking under the cushions of the couch.
“Maybe you left it at Deb’s.”
“No, it’s not there. And not at my mom’s. And not at the diner.”
He finally puts the cushions back and flops down on the couch, taking a deep breath in.
I realize that this is not really about the scarf, so I try to stay calm and sit next to him on the couch.
“Justin, it’s just a fucking scarf.”
He looks at me, upset.
“You wanna tell me what this is all about?” I know that nobody gets this upset about some piece of clothing.
“I saw…Robby…today…wearing a green scarf…just like it.”
“So?”
“And now I can’t find mine.”
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t know. It’s just weird, that’s all.”
“You don’t think that just maybe the store that your mom bought it from sold more then one scarf like that?” I know I’m talking to him like to a child, but he does sound absurd.
He looks at me again, processing what I just said. I can see he’s relaxing a bit.
“Besides, why would he steal you scarf?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “I stole your underwear,” he says then.
I snort out a laugh, “What? When?”
He smiles back at me, the stupid scarf forgotten. “After the first time we fucked. I think you were talking to Michael or something and it was right there, on the bed…and I took it.”
We both laugh, the memories of that night flooding our minds.
“You still have it?” I ask.
He gives me a devilish smile, “What do you think?”
And I know he does. He’s sentimental that way.
“Hmm,” I loosen my tie.
“What are you thinking?” he asks, even though I know he’s thinking the same thing.
“I was thinking that maybe we could reenact that night.”
“And morning,” he adds.
“And morning.”
I get up and strip off my clothes while he watches me. Then I stand there naked, waiting for him. But he gets up and heads to the kitchen. And I know what he’s doing. He gets a bottle of Evian out of the fridge and walks over to me. I watch him unscrew the cap. He then carefully starts to pour water over me. I gasp. The feel of cold water catching me off guard for a moment. He tosses the empty bottle. I stand there, soaking wet, watching him pull his sweater off. He leans in and pulls me in for a kiss. He starts working his way down my neck and to my chest. I try to push him away a bit, so that we can get to the bedroom, but he doesn’t let me. Instead, he’s kissing down my stomach and then…then…my cock.
“Justin…” I pant.
He doesn’t stop.
I slightly pull his head away. He looks up at me. That look alone could make you cum. “Bed…NOW,” I say. And the little shit just smiles at me.
~~~
JUSTIN:
I love mornings like this. When neither of us has to rush off to work or school. When we can just stay in bed until noon.
When I finally force myself to open my eyes, the first thing I see are Brian’s eyes staring back at me. He’s holding up himself on his elbow…and just staring at me.
“Morning,” he says softly.
I smile back at him, “Morning.”
He smiles back.
“What are you doing?” I ask him. It’s not the first time I catch him watching me sleep.
“Well,” he takes my hand and places it on his hard on, “I was going to take care of it myself, but thought…that’s what you’re here for.”
We both laugh as I move closer to him and give him a kiss.
We make love, take a shower, then make love again.
I love mornings like this.
Sometime later the phone finally rings. Brian picks up on the second ring.
“Your mom,” he hands me the phone. There’s nothing better to ruin the mood then a call from your mother.
I sit up, “Hi, mom.”
“Justin, what’s the point of having a cell phone if you never have it on? I mean, what could be so important that you had to turn it off?”
I bite my lip not to laugh at that as I turn and look at Brian.
“I just forgot to turn it back on after class,” I lie. I get up and go to the living room to get my phone from the coffee table.
While I listen to my mom go on and on about Molly and something else that I’m not all that interested in, I turn my phone back on.
13 missed calls.
2 new numbers.
I check, two are from my mom, the rest…Robby.
I just stare at the screen. Don’t know how long.
“Justin!” my mother’s voice snaps me out of it.
“Mom, I’ll call you back later,” I say and hang up on her. I’m sure I’ll hear about it later.
I just look at my cell phone in my hand. I force myself to breathe; feel like I’ve been holding my breath all this time. Then I turn off the phone again. I take a couple more deep breaths, trying to calm down.
I make my way back into the bedroom.
“Good sons call their mothers before and after fucking,” Brian smirks. I’m not laughing.
“What’s wrong?” he asks right away. But I can’t say it. I know it’s dumb but I feel like if I tell him, I won’t be able to pretend that everything’s ok. I curl up in bed next to him.
“Justin?” his voice is soft, but full of concern.
And I will him silently not to ask me any questions. Please, please, Brian, just hold me. Just fucking hold me. And it’s as if he hears me. He moves closer and puts his arms around me. I sigh with relief as we just stay there…in bed…just a little while longer. Just another moment…one last moment…that I can feel safe.
~~~
“Have you told anybody?” Daphne asked as soon as I finished telling her about Robby and what’s been going on.
“Keep your voice down.” Practically the whole Liberty diner heard her.
“Have you?” she asks in a hushed voice. By anybody she means Brian.
“Not really,” I answer as I’m going through my bag.
“Why not?”
“Because…he has enough to deal with at work. He doesn’t need to deal with my mistakes.”
“How is it your mistake?”
“I fucked him.”
“So. It’s not like you guys are monogamous,” she tells me as if I didn’t know that. Thanks for the news, Daph.
“I just…I knew it would be complicated. We were working on a project together. I just shouldn’t have done it, that’s all.”
She looks at me sympathetically.
“Shit, I think I forgot my brushes at school,” I give up trying to find them. “Can you give me a ride?”
“Yeah, sure.”
When we pull up to the Institute she asks me if I want her to wait for me. I say no. I figured since I’m already here I might as well do some work. The problem is…my brushes aren’t here. I searched my locker, I searched the studio, I even searched the classroom. Nothing.
I practically jump out of my skin when I hear the studio door open.
“Didn’t mean to startle you, Mr. Taylor,” Professor Rogers says.
“Oh, no, it’s ok,” I say, trying to calm myself down.
“What are you doing here so late?” It’s only 7, but I guess men over 65 consider it late.
“Just working on some things.”
“Well, I guess since you’re here I should tell you that I finally graded the projects,” he says.
“Oh, that’s great.” Right now I couldn’t care less.
“You did an exceptional work, Mr. Taylor. You should be very proud. You got an A.”
I think I smile at the old geezer. At least something good came out of this partnership.
“Thank you,” I say.
“I assume you will let Mr. Sullivan know about that.”
“Yes, of course.” I stop smiling now.
“Well, good night, Mr. Taylor.”
“Yes, good night.”
~~~
I don’t know what I’m doing exactly or why I’m even here. I keep telling myself to turn around and walk away, but I don’t. I stand in front of the door for a couple of minutes. Finally, I knock. He opens it almost immediately with a look of surprise on his face.
“Justin, hi.”
”Hi.” He’s smiling at me, but I don’t smile back. For a hundredth time I’m
wondering that the hell I’m doing.
“What are doing here?” he asks. Good question.
“I saw Rogers and he asked me to tell you that we got an A on our project.”
“That’s great. I guess we make a great team, you and I.”
“Yeah, well, I should…” I start to leave.
“Wait, wait, come in, please.”
“No, I should really…”
”Please, I need to talk to you.”
Reluctantly, I go in. He closes the door behind me.
“I’ve called you,” he says.
“Yeah, about that…” Good, I don’t have to be the one to bring it up.
“I thought we could, you know, hook up or something.”
I take a deep breath. “Robby, you have to stop…” I lose my train of thought when my eyes catch something on the chair…the green scarf…my green scarf. I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest as I walk over there and pick it up. Initials ‘JT’ are sawn on one side of it. I look around…there are two brushes laying on a dresser…the ones that I’ve been looking for all day long…and a bunch of sketches on his bed…sketches of me. I turn around and look at him.
“What is this?” I demand.
He’s caught and he knows it.
“It’s not what you think,” he says.
“Really?!”
“You left it here and I was going to…”
“That’s bullshit! You stole it! And my brushes!” I walk over to the dresser and pick them up. “What is wrong with you?!”
“Justin, please, just let me explain,” he pleads, but all I want is to get out of there. I’m almost at the door when I feel him grabbing my hand. Before I can react, he slams me against the door.
“Let me go!”
He tries to kiss me but I grind my teeth together. I don’t want his tongue in my mouth. I don’t want his anything near me. I try to push him off of me, but he’s bigger than me, stronger.
“Stop! STOP!”
With everything I have in me I finally push him hard enough that he falls to the floor. “Stay the fuck away from me!”
And then I just run…run as fast as I can…as far as I can.
~~~
BRIAN:
It’s almost nine when I get home. You’d think that by making a partner you’d have to work less. Yeah, right. That would probably be the case if the people working for you weren’t so fucking dumb. The loft is dark. Justin’s probably still with Daphne. When those two get together they become completely oblivious to anything and anyone in the world. Daphne is a female version of Justin. I’m happy he has her though. I know he has friends in school, but not someone that he can actually talk to. Christ, since when did I get so touchy feely? Maybe I’m getting old.
I take off my coat and drape it over a chair, then turn on the light. I’m almost in the bedroom when I notice him. He’s sitting silently on the couch in the living room.
“Justin,” I call out, as I walk over to him. But he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even move. “What are you doing sitting in the dark?”
He looks up at me and I almost wish he didn’t. He’s scared. He’s fucking terrified.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, trying not to panic.
“I found my scarf,” he finally says as he raises the scarf he’s holding in his hand.
“Where was it?”
He sighs, nervous. Really nervous.
“Robby’s,” was all he said.
Fucking prick. I feel like driving over to the campus and beating the shit out of Robby. My brain started to imagine all the different ways I can hurt that asshole. But I don’t get up. I don’t move. I sit next to him and just stare at him. I know that he needs me…now…here.
I stroke his head gently. It usually calms him down. That’s how I get him to go to sleep when he has nightmares. He looks up at me. He doesn’t say anything, but I can still hear him…Hold me, Brian. Just hold me. Just like last Saturday morning…in bed. So, I do. I pull him close. I hold him as close as I possibly can without cutting off his air supply. We stay like that for a while. Don’t know how long. Don’t care. I feel him relax against me finally and I relax too.
He pulls away, brave face put in place. Fuck. Either I’m a really good teacher in hiding your emotions or he’s a really good student. He stands up.
“Michael called to check if we were still meeting at Babylon,” he says.
I want to say, “Who the hell cares?”
“I’ll call him and tell him that we won’t be there,” I say instead.
“Why not?”
What is the matter with him? He obviously gets my confusion, since I’m looking at him like he’s crazy.
“Brian, I’m not gonna let that fucker scare me.” Too late, I think, but I don’t say it. You’re scared and so am I.
“I won’t give him that much power over me,” he adds.
I should have known. It’s Justin. The kid, no, a man, who fought against his school, his fucking homophobic classmates, his father. Christ, he went after me, for fuck’s sake. What else would you expect from him? I nod. I know he’s right. But I’m so fucking scared for him right now.
“Besides, we’ll be in a crowd…with friends. He won’t come near me.” You damn right, he won’t.
“Ok,” is all I’m able to say.
~~~
I gotta admit that Babylon was actually a good idea. A few drinks and a couple of dances and Justin’s relaxed. The fucking stalker forgotten. I don’t leave him for a second, though, unless I’m sure one of the guys is with him.
I watch him while he’s dancing with Emmett. He looks so hot when he’s dancing. Completely into music, the beat. I get hard just watching him. I put my beer down and make my way over to him.
I tell him I want to go home. He whines that it’s too early. I simply take his hand and place it on my cock. He smiles at me, which doesn’t help with the hard on. We say our good byes, grab our jackets, and head out.
We’re almost by the jeep when I hear Mikey calling my name. Shit, I forgot he had my cell. He doesn’t have a jacket on, so I have to make my way over to him.
I almost reach the entrance when I hear something behind me. I turn around…and my heart skips a beat. Robby. I see him saying something to Justin. He puts his hand on Justin’s arm. Justin pulls away, takes a step backwards.
I finally make myself move. I run towards them. “Hey, get the fuck away from him!” I yell.
He turns to me, then back to Justin. “What, you need a bodyguard now?” I hear him say as I get near.
“I said, get the fuck away from him,” I repeat.
Before I can react, he sucker punches me. Fuck. Fucking asshole knows how to throw a punch. I try to catch my breath and get up. I hear Justin struggling with him and Mikey call my name. I finally get up in time to see Robby push Justin to the ground and start running away. I run after him. I chase him out to the street, but lose him in the crowd. I stand there looking around, looking for him when I hear it…Mikey’s cry…”BRIAN!”
I turn around and I think that my heart stops beating for a moment.
Justin is still on the ground…leaning against the jeep…holding his stomach. I feel like I’m frozen…can’t move…can’t speak…can’t think. I just stare at him…as if I’m watching a movie…a horror movie…no, a nightmare…just another nightmare…I’ve had enough of those since the bashing. That’s it, it’s a nightmare. Then I hear Mikey call my name again and I know that it’s real. It’s fucking real.
I finally move. I sprint to him and drop to my knees beside him. He’s breathing hard…”Bri…Bri…an.” He’s staring at me. God, he’s so fucking scared. I look down…at where his hands are. I pull them away…and...Oh, God…I look back at him. There’s so much blood. I put my hands over his, pressing on the wound…hoping it would slow the bleeding.
“Call the ambulance!” I yell. “Call the fucking ambulance!” I think I hear Michael talking to somebody…911 I think. Not sure. I just press down with my arms and look into his eyes…just look at me, Justin. Just look at me.
~~~
I walk through the door. The nurse is just finishing up with him. They both look at me as I close the door behind me. The cut wasn’t deep; none of the organs were punctured. He lost some blood, but didn’t require a transfusion. They just kept him overnight for observation. I had to drive home to get him another shirt to wear.
I walk over to him. His left side is bandaged. He catches me looking at it.
“It’s ok,” he says.
“Does it hurt?”
“No.”
I don’t believe him.
“Drugs,” he adds. I guess he’s not lying.
“You’re very lucky,” the nurse tells him.
He sort of smiles at her.
“Well, I’ll go get the papers and you can go.”
When the door closes behind her, I turn to him.
“I talked to the cops,” I say. “They caught him.”
He doesn’t say anything. Just takes a deep breath. Then lets it out…slowly.
“I shouldn’t have fucked him,” he almost whispers.
I won’t let him do it. I won’t let him blame himself for this.
“Why not? We fuck whoever we want all the time.”
“I know. I just…I just shouldn’t have.”
“Justin, you couldn’t have known that he was a fucking psycho.”
“How did you know I wasn’t?” Where did that come from?
“Who says I did?” I joke, but he’s not laughing. Just staring at me…expecting an answer.
I shrug. “I don’t know how.”
He looks away, not satisfied with my answer.
“You didn’t use force to get what you wanted,” I say, then smile. “You played me. You played me really well. And I let you.”
Finally he smiles too.
“Yeah. Look where that got you.” We both laugh now. Both trying to hide what we really feel.
I help him put his shirt and jacket on, he signs the papers, and we’re out of there.
~~~
JUSTIN:
“Shouldn’t you be taking it easy?” I hear Brian coming out of the bedroom.
“I’m just making breakfast,” I say, “Besides, if I have to stay in bed another day I’m gonna go crazy.” It’s true. I’ve been babied for the last two days. Between Brian, my mom, and Debbie I couldn’t so much as sneeze without somebody standing over me checking if I was alright. Add to that Lindsay and Melanie calling every five minutes and Emmett calling every ten. Can’t they get that I’m fine. The cut wasn’t even that bad. Just had a few stitches, that’s all.
He comes up behind me and puts his arms around my waist.
I gasp a little. He pulls away immediately, looking so guilty.
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s ok. You just pulled on it a little.” But he looks at me with guilt and worry in his eyes. I take a step towards him and put my arms around him. “Brian, I’m fine. Really. It just stings a little, that’s all. Really.”
He’s searching my face… to see if I’m lying. I guess he’s satisfied with what he finds there because he pulls me closer and kisses me.
“So, what are you making?” he asks when we finally pull away.
“Uh…Spanish omelet. Want some?” He nods.
After it’s done cooking we set the table. We’re about to sit down to eat when the front door buzzer goes off. Brian goes to answer the door. I hear him ask who it is. It’s Debbie’s boyfriend, Horvath. Brian buzzes him in and opens the door. I get up and go to meet him as well. As soon as he walks in you can see that he’s very uncomfortable being here. I’m wearing sweats and a t-shirt, but Brian’s just wearing jeans. Horvath looks around.
“Nice place you got here,” he says.
“Thanks,” Brian says. I know he just wants to know what’s going on, like I do. “So, what’s going on?”
“Oh, uhm…I thought you’d want to know that Robert Sullivan’s hearing was today.”
We just stare at him, waiting for more.
He looks away. “He got community service.”
“What?” Brian asks. I just stand there kind of stunned.
“They let him out,” Horvath explains, even though we both understood what he meant.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Brian goes off. “What are they waiting for? For him to kill Justin?!”
“I’m sorry, Brian. I really am.”
Brian takes a deep breath, trying to calm down.
Horvath turns to me, “I think it would be wise for you file for restraining order.”
I nod.
“What’s the point? The cops aren’t gonna do a god damn thing anyway,” Brian says.
“If he breaks the restraining order he’ll be arrested,” Horvath tells him.
“And then what? They’ll just let him go again.”
“Brian...” Horvath starts to say something to him, but he just walks off to the bedroom. I watch him leave, then turn back to Carl.
“I’m sorry,” he says again.
“Thanks,” is all I can say.
He kind of nods at me, then leaves. I shut the door behind him, then make my way to the bedroom.
Brian’s on the phone with somebody. “Yeah…ok…ok…got it…bye.” He hangs up.
“Who was that?” I ask.
“Mel. She’s going to file for a restraining order today.”
“Oh.”
He walks by me and into the living room.
“And I want you to pack your bags.”
“Where am I going?”
“I don’t know yet,” he’s looking for something in the living room, then walks over to where his desk is.
“You don’t know yet? Brian, whatta hell are you talking about?” I follow him.
He stops and looks at me, “You’re leaving town.”
“I am?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing, “You want me to fucking run and hide?!”
“I want you to be safe!”
“And I’ll be safe by leaving town? What about school?”
“You can take incompletes.”
“Oh, so you have it all figured out?” He’s treating me like a fucking child.
“Justin.”
“And for how long? Huh?! I mean, how long to I have to leave for? A week? A month? A year? I mean, how long is enough to fuck up my entire life?!”
“Justin.”
We both are fuming right now.
“You’re not the one who fucked that psycho. This isn’t your problem!”
“Yes, IT IS!!” he screams, “It is my fucking problem! I had to watch you…” he stops and just stares at me, “bleed…” he turns away, “again.”
I understand that he’s worried, that he’s scared. Fuck, I’m just as scared, but I can’t do what he wants me to.
“I’m not going to run, Brian. I’m not giving up my life.” Please, please, please, understand why I have to stay.
He finally turns around and looks at me.
“Fine,” he says angrily. Then goes into the bathroom and slams the door.
I wish I could slam a door too, but the bathroom door is the only door in the loft.
About 15-20 minutes later he comes out, gets dressed, and leaves. Without a word. Without a glance.
~~~
BRIAN:
We barely spoke for a week afterwards. In fact, we didn’t speak at all. We left notes for each other letting the other one know where we were. ‘Went to Woody’s’, ‘Meeting Daphne’, ‘Babylon’, ‘staying at mom’s’.
He did stay over at his mother’s a couple of times. I wonder if he told her the reason why. We barely saw each other. I stayed late at work. When I came home he was usually working in school or out with Daphne or visiting Deb. I knew that he was avoiding me just like I was avoiding him. I usually went out before he came home. When I came back he was asleep. Or at least pretending to be asleep. I didn’t bother to check.
A two days ago he had his stitches removed. I wanted to go with him to the doctor, but didn’t. Still too fucking angry with him. I wrote him a note asking how everything went. ‘Fine,’ his note said. The next day he started working at the diner again.
I got home pretty early today, but the loft was empty. The first thing I did was check on the kitchen counter. That’s where we leave our notes. Yep. ‘Shift at the diner,’ it says. I throw it out, then head to the bedroom to change. His sketchbook is lying on the bed. He probably was late for work and forgot to put it away. I sit on the bed and open it. I’ve seen most of his sketches, but there are some new ones. I smile. Most of them are of me…sleeping, fucking, with Gus, eating, sitting, laying, standing. Every time I watch him sleep I wish I could draw him the same way. He is so fucking talented. The last one is of the two of us…me holding him in bed…after having sex. Christ, how does he do it? Capture emotions so well on paper? As I stare down at the drawing I can feel my anger melt away. And…I miss him…miss talking to him, miss his smile, miss holding him, miss kissing him. Fuck it. I get up and change my clothes.
~~~
Deb says that he’s in the back, so I make my way into the back of the diner.
When I walk in, he turns around. Looks at me for a moment.
“It’s for employees only,” he points to the sign on the door. I look at the sign, then close the door behind me.
“What do you want?” he asks. He’s not angry, not mad, not even annoyed. I think he’s just as tired of this whole thing as I am.
I shrug my shoulders as I come closer to him.
We just stand there like that for a while face to face…staring at each other. It feels like I haven’t seen him in months. I cup his face with my hand and pull him in for a kiss. He doesn’t fight me. He puts his hands around my neck and we kiss…finally. It feels so good to feel his lips on mine again. We pull apart, but not away. We just hold each other.
“I was thinking of maybe taking some vacation days,” I finally say. He pulls away.
“Vacation days?”
“Yeah, so we can go somewhere for a week…ten days.”
He backs away from me and gets into a defensive mode. “Brian, I told you, I’m not running away.”
“Who’s talking about running away?”
“What are you talking about?” he doesn’t believe me. I don’t blame him.
“I’m talking about a week together on the Virgin Islands…sitting on the beach, swimming, fucking,” I put my arms around his waist again. “Maybe we can devirginize them. We’re pretty good at that,” I joke.
And he laughs. That’s a good sign.
He stares at me, trying to figure out if that’s my way of getting him out of town. It is and we both know it. But he gives in. I think I’ve got him with the ‘fucking’ part of the pitch.
He smiles at me, “Ok.”
I smile back, “Great. I’ll make Cynthia make reservations tomorrow.”
“Ok.”
I can’t wait to take him home and fuck all night.
“What time’s your shift over?” I ask.
“9:30.”
I look at the clock on the wall. It’s only 7 now. I sigh. “I’m meeting Michael and Ben at Woody’s, but I’ll pick you up after your shift.”
“You wanna go to Babylon?”
“What do you think?” I ask. He’s a bright boy. He smiles at me with a smile that makes me want to fuck him right here, right now.
“Ok, later,” I say as I kiss him again.
“Later,” he says as I walk through the door.
~~~
JUSTIN:
The diner’s pretty empty, about seven or eight customers, and again I’m wondering why I didn’t just ask Deb to cover for me and go home with Brian. I look at the clock…not even 8 yet.
I’m wiping one of the tables when I hear the door open. I look up to see the customer and freeze. It’s Robby. He’s headed straight for me.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I say, trying to stay calm. I just need to get to the phone and call the cops.
“You think some fucking restraining order can stop me?” he practically growls. I’ve never seen him like that.
“Robby…” But the rest of the words don’t make it out of my mouth as he pulls out a gun and points it at me. I hear Deb and others gasp or scream. Robby turns around and yells for everybody to get into the back of the diner.
“Robby, don’t do this,” I try to plead with him. He turns the gun back at me.
“Shut the fuck up!” He pushes me to where everybody else is huddled by the kitchen wall.
~~~
BRIAN:
I ask a guy next to me what time it is. It’s 9:15. Finally. I tell Mikey that I gotta go pick up Justin. They decide to come with me and grab something to eat at the diner. I left the jeep parked across from the diner, so we have to walk back.
When we get near the diner we see a huge crowd and lights from the cop cars.
We make our way through the crowd, trying to get closer to the diner. We get to where the cops are and see Horvath. He comes over to us.
“Some guy came in with a gun and…”
I don’t bother waiting for him to finish what he was saying. I take my phone out of the pocket and dial the number. Come on, Justin, pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
~~~
JUSTIN:
There’s twelve of us, not counting Robby…Phil, the cook, Jim, Deb, and I. The rest are customers. They’re all huddled together in the corner under the kitchen window. Deb’s sitting next to me. Robby’s pacing in front of us.
Just then my phone rings. He sprints towards me and points the gun at my head.
“What is it?!”
“Uh…it’s my phone,” I take it out of my back pocket. “See,” I show it to him. I hope he doesn’t see that it’s Brian calling. The phone keeps ringing. He’s thinking about something, then says, “Answer it.” I do as I’m told.
“Hello,” I say.
I hear a loud sigh on the other end. “Justin, please, tell me you’re not at the diner,” Brian says.
“Sorry.”
“Is it Robby?” he asks.
“Yes.”
I look at Robby. I can’t let him know that it’s Brian. I hear a stream of ‘fucks’ and ‘shits’.
“Are you ok?” he finally asks.
“Yes.”
Then I hear someone talking to him. I think he’s giving the phone to somebody else.
“Justin, this is Carl Horvath. Is everybody alright over there?”
“Yes.”
“Can you tell me how many of you are there?”
Is he fucking kidding? “Uh…” I look at Robby again. He’s just staring back at me. “No.”
“Ten? Fifteen?”
“Yes.” he’s pretty close.
“Who are you talking to?!” Robby shouts.
“Uh…just a salesmen.” I want to laugh right now at how stupid the lie is, but he believes me and that’s all that matters.
“Hang up,” he orders me, then turns around.
“Ok.”
I pretend to turn the phone off, press the volume button instead of the talk one. Hopefully somehow it would help the cops. I put the phone on the floor behind me.
~~~
About half an hour later the diner phone rings. All of us, including Robby, practically jump out of our skins. Then stare at the phone. He waves with the hand that’s holding the gun to the phone, “Answer it,” he tells me.
Slowly, I get up and walk over to where the phone is and pick it up.
“Who is it?” Robby asks.
“The cops. They wanna talk to you,” I hold the phone out to him.
“The cops?” It’s as if he just realized what’s at stake here. He runs to the window and looks through the blinds. “Fuck!” He backs away from the window. “What do they want?” he asks me. He actually looks confused.
“Robby, you’re holding twelve people hostage. That sort of tends to get their attention,” I say sarcastically, despite my better judgment.
Of course that pisses him off even more. He raises the gun at me again. “Hang up! Hang up now!”
I do as he says.
“Get back over there…” he looks at where I was sitting before.
Shit. The phone. We both see that the display is lit, meaning that it’s on.
He walks over and looks at it. I hold my breath. He picks it up and sends it flying at the wall, smashing it into little pieces. He then moves towards me. Before I can react he punches me in the face…again…and…again…until I fall to the floor.
“Justin!” I hear Deb screaming, “STOP IT! STOP IT!” she screams at him. I watch in horror as he walks over to where she is and holds the gun to her head.
“SHUT UP, BITCH!”
I get up and move as fast as I can…get in between the gun and Debbie. I’m shaking, barely able to catch my breath.
“What do you want, Robby?” I ask. “Why are you here?”
He takes a step back, the gun’s still pointed at me. “I just wanted to talk to you. I just fucking wanted to be with you, that’s all. And you wouldn’t even talk to me.” Does he fucking realize just how crazy he sounds?
I know what I have to do now. “Ok,” I say.
He looks at me surprised. “What?”
“I said, ok. Let everybody go and we’ll sit down and talk. Just you and me.”
“No, it’s a trick.”
“No trick, Robby. Just you and me. It has nothing to do with them. Let them go.” I can see him giving in. “Just you and me,” I say again.
He’s considering it, then says, “Ok.”
I nod, then walk over to the phone. I dial Brian’s number, knowing that the cops have his phone. Horvath picks up.
“He’s letting everybody go,” I say, then hang up.
Then I walk over to where everybody is. I help Deb get up. “Come on, you’re leaving,” I say.
She looks at me in disbelief. She knows that I’m not coming with her.
“Justin, Sunshine, no,” she clings to me, crying. I hug her back.
“Tell everybody I love them,” I whisper to her. She looks at me. She knows that I mean Brian. She pulls me even closer.
“No,” she shakes her head, won’t let me go. She’s holding on to me as tight as she did when Michael was moving to Portland.
“Phil, take her,” I pull her arms away from me. He pulls her towards the door, but she’s trying to look at me. Go, Deb, just go. Before he changes his mind. I sigh when the door closes behind everybody.
~~~
BRIAN:
I couldn’t believe my ears. But I heard it…I definitely heard it. Justin said that everybody’s coming out. You could hear a joined sigh of relief. We’re waiting, all looking at the same thing…the Liberty Diner door. We watch as it opens and the people start to come out of it. The cops rush them across the street. I see Deb coming out with the cook and Michael bolts towards her. But I don’t move. I still watch the door. Nobody else is coming out. NOBODY.
The door closes now. But I still stare at it. Will it to open. Will Justin to walk through it. My eyes shift to Debbie. She’s hugging Michael, but looking at me…tears in her eyes…she’s fucking just staring at me. And I know…he’s not coming out.
I feel like I’m suffocating. There’s not enough air. I feel like all the air was pumped out of this spot…where I’m standing. I…can’t…fucking…breathe. I hear her come up to me. I hold out my hand to stop her, but she still puts her arms around me and just holds me. I don’t protest. Can’t. I’m just trying to catch my fucking breath.
~~~
JUSTIN:
I turn around and look at him.
“Ok, you wanted to talk. So, talk,” I say.
“I…”
“What?”
“I just…I think we could really be…I mean…”
Would you just fucking say it?
“You wanna be with me?” I ask him, as calmly as possible.
“Yes.”
I stand in front of him now. “You want me to kiss you?” I whisper.
He licks his lips. “Yes.”
I kiss him. Pull away. His eyes are open. I kiss him again, this one’s deeper. When I pull away again, he’s breathless.
“What else do you want?” I ask.
“I…”
“You want me to do this?” I kiss down his neck.
He gasps for air.
“And this?” I put my hand on his cock and rub it.
“Aahh.”
I kneel in front of him, unzipping his jeans and pull up his shirt. Then roll my tongue down his stomach and his cock. I hear him panting as I lick his dick. I look up. His eyes are closed. I look to the side. He’s barely holding the gun now.
Moving as fast as I can, I rip the gun out of his hand, get up, and point the gun at him. He looks at me, bewildered, trying to comprehend what just happened. I’m breathing hard, barely controlling my anger.
“How does it feel to have a gun pointed at you, huh?!” I scream. “You fucking asshole!” I wipe my mouth, trying to get rid of the taste of him. He takes a step. “Don’t fucking move!” I shout.
When I’m sure that he’s not moving, I back away towards the phone. I take my eyes off of him for just a second, but the next thing I know, I’m on the floor, he’s on top of me, trying to get the gun out of my hands.
~~~
BRIAN:
I don’t know how long Deb’s been holding me, but I snap out of it when I hear Horvath say, “We have to go in.”
“What?” I untangle myself from Deb’s arms. “Are you crazy?!” I get in his face.
“Brian.”
“Justin’s in there!!” I scream.
“Brian, there’s nothing else we can do.”
“You can negotiate with him. Talk to him.”
“Negotiate? Brian, what do we have to offer him? He’s got everything he wants in there with him.”
Justin. That’s all he wants. Justin.
I’m trying to figure out what else to say to convince them not to do this when I hear it…a gun…going off…inside the diner.
And everything stops. The whole world around me freezes in time. The huge crowd, the cops, the lights, Deb’s scream, Michael’s touch on my arm…everything stands still.
The cops rush inside. I hear the ambulance drive up and the paramedics run in. I don’t move. Can’t. I know that only one of them would be walking out of there. I know that only one of them had a gun. All logical thoughts tell me that it’s over. But I throw away all the logical thoughts. And wait.
I see Horvath coming out and then…a blonde head…my blonde head. He turns around, dazed, searching for something. Someone. Me. I feel all the air flooding back…I take a breath and then run…run towards him…as fast as I can. As soon as I reach him, I pull him close…as close as I can…and just hold him. I’m never letting him go again.
The End.
Continue to sequel, One Last Breath.