The Wish - Part 16

“Justin…JUSTIN,” Brian tried to shake the screaming teen awake.

Justin sat up with a start, gasping for air, his whole body shaking all over.  He looked around trying to figure out where he was.  If it was still a dream or a reality, although he wasn’t sure what was the reality anymore.

“Are you ok?”  Brian placed a hand on Justin’s shoulder.  Feeling the other man’s trembling body he pulled Justin closer to him.  “Shhhh.  It’s ok.  It’s only a dream.  It was only a dream,” he repeated over and over again, hoping the sound of his voice would be able to calm the young man. 

Instead, Justin pulled away from him.  “No, don’t.”

“Justin…” He moved closer to the trembling blonde.  “It’s just a nightmare.  You’re ok.  You’re safe.”

Justin shook his head, frantically trying to catch his breath.  “DON’T.”  He held out his hand in front of him to stop Brian from getting closer. 

“Don’t what?” Brian looked at him confused.  “What?  What did you see?  What was it about?”

Justin swallowed hard and looked around the bedroom, starting to calm down a bit.  “Nothing.”

“Come on.  Tell me.”

Justin looked back at him.  “Us,” he finally said.  “I saw us…dancing.  Dressed up.  Tuxes.  The whole deal.”  He turned around on the bed, his back turned to Brian.  “And you…you had that…that scarf…the white one…the one you wrapped my arm in…that night.”  Not seeing the astonished look on Brian’s face, Justin continued, “We were dancing.  It was so beautiful.  The two of us…just us…we were amazing.  But then…then Chris Hobbs…he came after me with the bat…and…” Justin felt his whole body shiver as the image of the bat striking his head ran through his mind again.  “He hit me.  The bat…he hit me.  I can still…I can feel it…I can hear…remember…everything…your voice…the bat…everything.  And then all I could see was that scarf…but it wasn’t white anymore…now it was covered in…”   

“Blood.”

Justin turned around and the two of them stared at each other.  Brian did not trust himself to speak.  Justin described the vision that had been haunting him since that night in the parking garage.  Brian felt frozen, unable to move, unable to speak. 

“How did…” And Justin saw it.  He saw it in his face.  That somehow Brian knew exactly what he was talking about.  His eyes widened.  “You saw it.”  It was a statement rather than a question.  “You’ve seen it before.”  He stood up, but his eyes never wavered from the older man on the bed.  “That’s…that’s how you knew…that’s how you saved me.”  When Brian looked away Justin knew that he had his answer.

Justin felt his body begin to tremble again.  “What is happening to me?” he whispered, desperate for an explanation, but received no response from Brian.

Justin frantically started to pull his clothes on. 

“Justin,” Brian finally found his voice.  “What are you doing?  Come back to bed.”

“I have to go.”

Brian made himself move, putting his hand on Justin’s arm, but Justin pushed it away as if it burned him.  “It was just a dream,” he said, but Justin shook his head.  “It was just a fucking dream!”

“Like this was just a dream?” Justin pointed at the drawing that Brian purchased at GLC that now found its permanent place on the dresser in the bedroom. 

“Justin, it’s four in the morning and it’s pouring outside.  At least let me give you a ride.”  He started to get out of bed but Justin stopped him.

“No…I just…I have…I have to go.”  He shot one last glance at his lover and then made a dash line across the loft to the door.

Brian ran a hand through his hair when he heard the door slide shut.  He rubbed his neck, trying to massage away the building tension.  He wanted to storm Mysterious Marilyn’s apartment and demand an answer to what the hell it all meant, but he knew that it wouldn’t accomplish anything.  She made it perfectly clear that HE was the one who would have to find his way to the truth.  He got out of bed and walked over to the closet.  Opening it up, he reached for a plastic bag on the top shelf.  Then he went back to the bed.  Sitting on the edge of it, he reached and pulled out a familiar object out of the bag.  The blood-stained scarf.

~~~

“What do you think about this one?” Nicholas asked, holding up a shirt in front of Justin who just shrugged in response.  “You’re NOT helping,” Nick said, “I have to find something stunning for the parade.”

“Sorry,” Justin said quietly. 

Nick put the shirt back on the rack and turned his full attention to his friend.  “What’s wrong?”

“Hmm?”  Justin looked up at him, realizing that Nicholas just asked him a question.  “Oh, nothing.  Just didn’t get much sleep last night, that’s all.” 

“Brian kept you up all night?  You know, I wouldn’t complain about THAT, blondie.”

Justin smirked, “Fuck you.”

“Love you too, baby.”  Nicholas flashed him a huge smile.

Justin squeezed out a smile in return. 

“So, you two going together?”  Nick asked.

“Where?”

“To the parade, of course.”

“Yeah,” Justin scoffed, “I don’t think so.  Besides, I’m marching with my mom.  Deb got her involved in PFLAG and she insists I participate too.  It’s crazy.  As if one mother wasn’t enough.  Now I have two.”

Nicholas frowned at Justin’s attempt to change the subject.  “Did you two have a fight?”

“With my mom?”

Nick gave him a look that said, ‘you know exactly what I’m talking about.’

Justin shook his head.  “We don’t fight.  We have nothing to fight about.”

Nick rolled his eyes, “If you give me that whole ‘we’re not in a relationship’ crap I’m gonna beat you senseless.”

Justin’s only reply was a sigh. 

“So, what’s wrong?” Nick prodded again.

Justin shrugged his shoulders.  How could he even begin to explain?  “We’ve been spending way too much time with each other as it is.  I just think it’d be good for both of us to cool it for awhile.”

Nicholas sighed, realizing that he wouldn’t get anywhere on this issue with Justin right now.  “So, why don’t you come out with us then?”

“Us?  As in Kevin and Caleb US?”

“Yeah.”

“Please, tell me you’re kidding?”

“Look, I promise that Kevin will be on his best behavior.  And it’s not like you and Caleb haven’t seen each other since the break up.”

Justin stared at him.  “Yeah, that’s exactly the problem.”

Nicholas went over to his friend and put an arm around him.  “Caleb’s ok.  It’s been a few months.  It’s time to move on.  He knows it.  I’m sure he’d love to see you.”

“Nick…”

“Ok, how about this.  The three of us are going to Babylon tonight.  How about you meet us there.  We’ll see how that goes.”

Justin sighed again.  “Do I even have a choice?”

Nick smiled, “That’s the spirit.”  He walked over and picked out the same shirt he held in his hands before.  “So, what do you think of this one?”

~~~

He knew it was a mistake to come here tonight, but he had made a promise to Nick.  He scanned the crowd, immediately finding the one man he wanted to avoid at all costs.  He held Brian’s gaze for a moment, then looked away, searching for Nicholas. 

“Justin!”  He turned to the right to see Nick, Kevin, and Caleb standing near one of the stairs. 

When he came over to them Nicholas gave his friend a big hug.  Justin tried to smile when he looked at Caleb.  “Hi.”

To his surprise Caleb smiled back at him.  “Hi.  How are you?”

Justin looked in Brian’s direction again.  “Uhm…fine,” he replied turning back to the group.  “You?”

Caleb noticed Justin glancing over at Brian.  “Good.”

The four of them looked very uncomfortable around each other and Justin decided that since he had kept his promise to Nick, he was now free to leave.  “Well, see you guys later,” he said, flashing a smile at the three of them and turning to leave before Nick could object.  He made his way through the dance floor with full intention on leaving.  He felt somebody grab his hand and stopped.  A brunette was staring back him with a big smile on his face.  “Wanna dance?”

Justin looked at Brian who now had at least two guys cruising him.  “Sure.”

Brian watched Justin do a mating dance with some twink on the dance floor and he felt himself getting angry.  All day long all he could think of was the look on Justin’s face the night before.  He was worried about him.  Whether Justin was ok or not.  He knew first hand how frightening those dreams and visions could be.  He even called the young artist a couple of times today.  He wanted to make sure Justin was alright.  It was obvious that he was.  “Fuck this.”  Brian looked over at one of the guys that had been hanging around him ever since he got here.  He took the guy’s hand and pulled him into the backroom.

~~~

Surprisingly enough he actually had a good time and enjoyed marching with his mother and other members of PFLAG.  He felt relaxed for the first time in a couple of days since he knew he wouldn’t run into Brian at the parade.  It just wasn’t Brian’s style.  The highlight of the parade was seeing Michael in drag.  He just couldn’t stop laughing when he saw Michael stumbling all over the place in high heels.   

Saying good-bye to Jennifer and Debbie he decided to unwind a bit and headed to Woody’s.  But as soon as he walked in his whole body tensed up.  Brian was on the opposite side of the bar with Ted, Emmett, and Michael.  He knew that it was too late to turn around and leave because Brian noticed him right away.  So he strutted over to the bar and ordered a drink…a shot of tequila.  He needed something that would make his body stop shaking.  He drowned the shot and ordered another one while sipping on a beer as well.  The bartender put another shot of tequila in front of him, but just when he tried to pick it up he saw a hand over it.

“I think it’s enough,” Caleb said, moving the shot glass away from Justin.

Justin scoffed.  “I don’t need a fucking lecture, Cale.”

“No?  What do you need then?”

“My fucking drink back.”  He reached for the shot glass, but Caleb pushed it away even further.

When Justin settled back down on the barstool, Caleb put the shot glass down.  “So, you wanna tell me what the hell’s going on?”

Justin shook his head, feeling the buzz.  “Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.”

“Bullshit.  I saw you last night at Babylon…both of you…fucking and drinking.”

“I don’t think it’s your job to watch over me anymore, Cale.”  Justin tried to get up, but Caleb pushed him back down, determined to make Justin listen to everything he had to say.

“It’s not you, Justin.  The fucking and the drinking…it’s not you.”

Justin chuckled.  “Of course it’s me.  That’s how I lost you, remember.”

“Is that what you’re trying to do?  Lose him?”

Justin shook his head again.  “See how much you know?  I never had him.”

Caleb looked at Brian and caught him staring back at the two of them.  “Of course you did.  You DO.  He wants you.”

“Yeah.  Wants to fuck me.”

“No.  He wants YOU.  You can see it in his eyes.  The way he looks at you.  Just like you want him.”

Justin was beginning to get annoyed by this conversation.  “Look, if I wanted a relationship, I’d be with you.”  When he saw the hurt look on Caleb’s face, his features softened.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean…”

“It’s ok,” Caleb cut him off.  “And you wouldn’t be…with me.  Because you don’t love me.  You never did.”

“That’s not true, Cale.  I…”

“Justin, don’t.  I KNOW.  You care.  You always will.  Just like I’ll always care about you, but you NEVER loved me.”

Justin looked down and sighed.  He hated himself right now for hurting this beautiful young man standing in front of him.  “I don’t want love.  I don’t want a relationship.”

“What are you so afraid of?”

Justin looked up and stared into the grey eyes of his former lover.  He took a deep breath in.  “I…I just have this feeling…it’s more of a knowledge…like I KNOW that somewhere down the road…he’s going to hurt me.  So bad I won’t be able to breathe.  Won’t be able to stand straight.”  Justin looked down at his hands, shaking his head.   “I don’t think I’d be able to handle that.”

Caleb sighed.  “If it happens than it happens.  You’ll survive.”  He lifted Justin’s chin so that the blue eyes would look at him.  “It’ll hurt…like hell.  But you’ll survive it.  You’ll take it one day at a time and the pain will become smaller and smaller.  And maybe one day it will go away completely.  And then all you’ll have left will be the memories.  Of being with him.  The good things.  The good times.”  Justin’s eyes filled with tears.  Caleb smiled at him.  “And they’re worth it.  They’re worth all the pain you go through.”  

Justin stood up and pulled the other man into a hug.  “Thank you,” he whispered.

Brian turned away from his friends before anybody noticed the look on his face after seeing Justin hug his ex-boyfriend.  “Well, I’m off,” he said after putting his signature nonchalant mask on.  He put the beer down and walked out of the bar, trying to get as far from this place as possible.

He walked down the stairs and turned right toward his Jeep.  Suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

“Hey, stud.  You wanna dance?” Justin said when Brian turned around.

The two of them stared at each other for a moment, both trying to figure out where everything stood.  Brian glanced over at the crowd on the street.  Suddenly an image of the two of them dancing, arms wrapped around each other, flashed through his mind.  He wasn’t sure whether it was another vision or just his mind showing him what the two of them would look like dancing on the street.  And he smiled.  Because he didn’t care.  He took Justin’s hand and led him out on the street.  Putting arms around each other, they danced to the ABBA song, forgetting the rest of the world around them.

Go to Part 17

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