Just Us - Part 9
“Come on, Justin. Come with me,” Daphne said again turning to her friend.
“You know how much I hate those parties.”
“Yeah, but you know all of my friends…you’ll have someone to hang with.”
“Daph, I haven’t seen Brian in four days.” Summer school was ending and he’s been completely swamped for the last week.
She sighed.
“Fine. You know, it’s not very nice using my romantic side against me.”
He smiled. He knew that she was his and Brian’s biggest fan. “But,” she added, “Tomorrow night…”
“Movie night,” he finished for her. “Just you and me.”
“And Colin Farrel,” she added which earned a groan from Justin.
“How many times have we seen this movie?”
“Hey, I’m letting you off the hook tonight, so…Colin Farrel tomorrow,” she said, picking up her purse.
“Fine, fine…I’ll pick up the movie on my way from school,” he surrendered.
“You’re a freak, you know that, right?” he laughed.
“Yep. That’s why you love me,” she smiled at him.
~~~
When Brian finally fell asleep Justin snuck out of bed to finish up his project.
It was after 2am when he heard the other man get out of bed and walk up behind him. Brian put his arms around his neck.
“Come to bed,” he whispered.
“In a minute. I have to finish this up.”
“I thought you said you were done,” Brian said.
Justin looked at him and smiled, “I lied.” Brian smiled back at him.
“Remind me to never take summer school classes again.”
“You look tired,” Brian said with concern.
“Is that your way of saying I look like shit?”
“No, it’s my way of saying you look tired.”
“I’m almost done. I have one last critique tomorrow and then…freedom. One whole months with no classes and no projects,” he stretched out his hands.
Brian started to massage his shoulders.
“Mmm…that feels so good,” Justin mumbled, closing his eyes.
“So, what are you gonna do with all that time?” Brian asked.
“Sleep.”
“And?”
“Sleep.”
Justin didn’t even need to open his eyes to know the look on Brian’s face. He chuckled, then added. “And fuck.”
Brian gave him a peck on the cheek, “That’s my boy.”
Brian dropped in the chair next to him.
“Do you have to go to New York?”
“Nope, not ‘till last week in September,” Justin said.
“So, how about we go somewhere.”
“Like where?”
Brian shrugged, “I don’t know…the islands or the mountains?”
“You serious?”
“Why not?”
Justin smiled, “Great.”
“I’ll have Cynthia make reservations tomorrow,” Brian said, getting up.
~~~
Jennifer walked through the door of the diner, searching the crowd.
“Jen!”
She saw Deb waving to her. She made her way over to the booth where the guys and Debbie were.
She took her sunglasses off to reveal that she was crying.
“Jesus, what’s wrong?” Debbie asked.
Brian went pale, “Justin,” he immediately asked, even though the logical part of him was telling him that he just dropped him off at school.
“No,” she shook her head. He sighed. “I was actually looking for him.”
“He’s in school,” Brian offered her the information.
She nodded, on the brink of crying again.
“Here, honey, sit down,” Debbie offered her a stool at the counter across from the booth. “Tell us what’s wrong.”
Jennifer began to explain, “I got a call from Carla Chanders…Daphne’s mother…something happened at a party she went to last night…drugs or something…I’m not sure…but Daphne…Daphne…” she broke down in tears again. She didn’t have to finish for them to understand. Brian closed his eyes to compose himself. Opened them to see Debbie comforting Jennifer.
When she seemed to have calmed down a bit, she continued, “I don’t know how I’m gonna tell Justin.”
Brian took a deep breath, “I’ll do it,” he said somberly.
She looked at him, “Oh, no, Brian…I couldn’t ask you to do that.” She remembered how impossibly hard it was for her to tell Justin when his father died. She couldn’t place a burden like that on somebody else.
“It will be…” he wanted to say better, easier for Justin, but who was he kidding? Nothing could possibly make it better or easier for Justin. He just wanted to be there, needed to be there for his lover, to hold him, to make sure he’s alright. “I’ll do it,” he repeated.
~~~
The weather was great, not too hot or humid. The sun was shining so brightly. All Brian wanted right now is get Justin and just drive around with the top down, forgetting everything and everyone, pretend that Justin’s world wasn’t about to come crashing down on him, that everything was still the way it was supposed to be.
He saw Justin come out of the building with a couple of friends. When Justin saw him, he waived to his friends and walked over to Brian, smiling. One thing Brian couldn’t understand was how a day as bright as this could become even brighter with that smile. He tried to smile back but failed miserably.
“What are you doing here?” Justin asked when he got near.
“Uhm…I…” He just couldn’t get the words out, knowing that the moment Justin finds out everything would change.
“Brian, what’s wrong?” Justin began to worry, even though he still had a smile on his face.
Brian took a step towards him.
Justin’s smile began to fade, “Uh, you’re freaking me out here,” he said.
Brian took another step.
“What? What is it?” Justin asked, panic in his voice, smile gone.
Brian embraced him, pulling him as close as possible.
“What?” Justin attempted one last time, needing Brian to tell him that everything was ok. But he knew…he knew that it wasn’t.
“Who?” he asked, holding his breath.
Brian closed his eyes, taking a deep breath in, willing himself to speak.
“Daphne.”
He heard a gasp and felt Justin’s body begin to tremble. Justin tried to pull away, but Brian just pulled him in even closer.
~~~
After the funeral everybody gathered at Daphne’s parents’ house. Brian stood by the window, watching Justin who was sitting by the pool, alone. Brian decided to give him some space. Ever since he told him, he hasn’t left Justin’s side. During the funeral he held his hand, squeezing it at times, to let Justin know that he was right there, but there was barely any response. There was no emotions, no tears, no words. He just stared into space.
“They used to play by that pool since they were toddlers,” he heard a woman say next to him. He looked at her. It was Daphne’s mother.
“I remember running after him trying to put sun block on him. That boy always burned. Every summer he was as red as a lobster,” she continued, looking at Justin.
Brian smiled.
“You’re Brian, aren’t you?” she asked, turning to him.
He nodded.
“Daphne talked about you. About both of you.” When Brian didn’t say anything, she said. “It’s funny how you end up being closer to your kids after they leave your house,” she tried to hold the tears back.
Brian sighed, then looked out the window again.
“I always thought they’d end up together,” she chuckled. “All their lives they seemed to be attached at the hip.” Brian smiled slightly. “I could tell she was heartbroken when she found out. She still loved him.”
“He loved her,” Brian finally said.
She felt the tears coming down again. “You take care of him, you hear,” she said. Brian looked at her and nodded. She tried to smile at him through tears and then left him gazing out the window again.
~~~
He didn’t know how long he’s been sitting there. The minute they got to the house, he went outside and sat by the pool…like he’s done a million times with Daphne after school. He stared at the water in front of him. He knew that he should probably cry, but he couldn’t. The pain was so intense that he felt like everything inside of him shut down…and he felt numb, empty.
~~~
“Give me two turkey sandwiches,” Brian said to Debbie while taking one of the stools at the counter.
“To go?”
He nodded in response.
“How is he?” she asked after placing his order.
It’s been two weeks and every day she asked the same question.
“Well, I think I’ve gotten a two-word answer today so…progress,” he said sarcastically.
Getting a look from her, he sighed. “I don’t know. Most of the time he’s in bed, with duvet over his head. He doesn’t say much besides ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and usually it’s ‘no’. Doesn’t eat much.”
“So, what’s with the two sandwiches?”
He shrugged, “Just in case.”
She patted his hand. “It’ll be ok. He just needs time.”
He nodded, but he wasn’t so sure.
He didn’t know what to do. He tried talking to him. He tried not talking to him. A couple of times he tried to get Justin angry. He tried everything he could possibly think of. After a few days he had to get back to work. He hated leaving Justin alone, but didn’t know what else to do. He called the loft every few hours. He knew that Justin wouldn’t pick up. Still, he called. Just to let him know that he was there if Justin needed him.
~~~
Brian shut the door behind him and went into the kitchen to put the sandwiches on the counter. He looked around. “Justin,” he called out. No answer. That wasn’t a surprise. He went over to the bedroom, but Justin wasn’t there. He looked around and saw a red light blinking on the answering machine. He pressed the button.
“Justin, this is Carla Chanders. I hope you don’t mind me calling here. Your mother gave me the number. I just…”
“Hello…” Justin picked up the phone.
“Oh, hi, Justin.”
“Hi,” he said.
“How are you?” she asked.
“I’m…uh…I’m…you know,” he said.
“I know, honey.”
“Is there…”
“Oh, yes. I wanted to ask you for a favor. I was going through…Daphne’s things,” her voice began to crack, “and was wondering if you could do the same thing in the apartment, see if you wanted to keep anything.” When there was no reply from Justin, she said, “I’m sorry to ask you to do this.”
“It’s fine,” he said.
“Thank you.”
“Bye.”
When Brian finished listening to the conversation he knew where Justin had gone.
~~~
He saw him through the open door. Justin stood with his back to the door, looking at a picture in a frame. Brian walked in, not saying a word. Justin didn’t even turn around. They stood like that for a while.
“Do you think I’m being punished?” Justin suddenly asked.
“What?...Justin…no.”
Justin turned around.
“Ever since I came out…I’ve…I’ve lost…so much…my family…my friends…my father…now Daphne…who’s next?” He looked at Brian.
The desperation and the pain in his voice caught Brian off guard. He just stared at Justin for a moment, not knowing what to say.
“You’re not being punished, Justin. You have NOTHING to be punished for,” he said, stressing his last statement.
Justin didn’t say anything. Just turned around and picked up the framed picture of him and Daphne again.
“I was supposed to be with her. I was supposed to go with her to that fucking party. But…I wanted to see you…be with you.”
Realization of exactly what Justin’s been going through hit him, “It wasn’t your fault,” he repeated Justin’s words back to him. He took a step towards Justin.
“I was fucking while…while she was dying!” Justin shouted.
“Justin, it wasn’t your fault,” Brian repeated.
“I should have been with her at that party,” Justin said.
“If you were you could have ended up buried right next to her.”
The look Justin gave him sent shivers up his spine. It was the look that said, “So, what?”
Justin looked away from him and down at the picture he held in his hand. As Brian was about to say something else, Justin sent the frame flying across the room, smashing it into the wall. Justin began throwing and breaking anything and everything he came in contact with. Brian flinched every time he heard something hit a wall, but didn’t move, didn’t say a word…Justin was finally letting out whatever it was that he was feeling. He wasn’t about to stop him.
Justin threw a big heavy glass vase at the wall and a piece of glass boomeranged back at him, cutting his left arm.
“Aahh,” he hugged his now bleeding arm.
“Justin,” Brian took a step closer, but Justin held out his right hand telling him to stop.
He dropped to the floor, not able to hold it in anymore. The physical pain opened the door for the emotional. He broke out in tears, shaking, trembling.
Brian slowly made his way towards him, hoping Justin won’t push him away again and lowered down to the floor next to his lover. Carefully, gently, he put his arms around Justin and pulled him closer. He held him while Justin cried.
~~~
After Justin finally calmed down, Brian took him to the hospital. The cut wasn’t bad, no stitches required. After they got back to the loft, Justin fell asleep and slept through the evening.
Brian was putting away the food in the fridge when he saw Justin come out of the bedroom.
“How’s your arm?” Brian asked.
Justin looked down at his left arm, as if he forgot that it was bandaged.
“It’s fine,” he replied.
Brian took out two beers out of the fridge, walked up to him, handed him one of the bottles, then walked over to the couch in the living room. Justin watched him for a while, then made his way over and sat on the other side of the couch.
“Sorry if I freaked you out,” Justin finally said. “I think I freaked myself out.”
They sat silent for a moment.
“You miss her?” Brian asked, knowing the answer but desperately trying to find a way to get Justin to talk about it. Who would have thought? Brian Kinney trying to get Justin to talk about feelings.
“So much, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe,” Justin said quietly.
Brian took another sip of beer.
“Daph and I…we’ve been friends…forever. I could always talk to her, trust her with anything. No matter what happened, she’s always been there for me. The one constant thing in my life.” He felt the tears well up in his eyes.
“I wish there was something I could do,” Brian said.
“There isn’t.”
“You won’t even let me try.”
“Oh, the great Brian Kinney comes to the rescue once again,” Justin said sarcastically. “There’s nothing you can do. You have no idea what it feels like…to lose your best friend. You still have Michael. I don’t have anybody!” he shouted.
Brian looked at him for a moment, “You have me,” he said finally.
Justin stared at him for a few seconds, then looked away, without a word.
“Oh, I see,” Brian stood up, “You don’t believe me.”
He turned around and strolled off to the kitchen counter, his back turned to Justin.
“Brian,” Justin called after him.
“You still don’t know, do you?” He turned to look at Justin who stood in front of him now. “How much I…” he looked away. “Is it because I told you I don’t believe in love? Is that what you’ve told yourself? That you don’t believe in it either?”
“That’s not it.”
“Then what? You never even mention that word anymore.”
Justin looked away.
“Why did you break up with Andrew?” Brian asked suddenly.
Justin, confused, asked, “What does Andrew have to do with this?”
“You never told me what happened.”
“We just broke up.”
“Why?”
Justin stared at him, not wanting to continue this conversation, but knowing that he had no choice.
“He wanted something from me that I couldn’t give him,” he said quietly.
And Brian understood. He remembered Justin saying the same thing to him months ago.
Justin took a few steps closer to him.
“Look, I don’t mention it because I don’t care.”
Brian gave out a nervous laugh.
“I mean…I don’t care if you say it or not. It doesn’t matter to me…not anymore. I’m tired of putting things into tight little boxes…having to label everything I feel or do...living my life according to somebody else’s ideas of what a man should be, or what an artist should be, or what a relationship should be like. I don’t want that anymore.”
“What do you want?” Brian asked once again.
“I want to be with you. For however long…a day, a month, a year…ten…fifty. I don’t know. Nobody does. For as long as we want.” Brian turned away, but Justin continued, “And… I DO know, Brian. I’ve always known. And that’s the only thing that matters. Not some words that don’t mean a thing. And…I know it’s not going to be simple. And I know that I’ll hurt you. And I know that you’ll hurt me again…and again…and again.”
Brian looked away, remembering all the times he said or did something to cause Justin pain.
“But I also know that you’d cut your dick off before you hurt me on purpose again,” Justin said, looking up at him. “And I have to remind myself of that every day…every hour…every moment I’m with you…” his voice began to crack, “And it’s hard…it’s harder than anything else I’ve ever had to do…but…it’s worth it…you’re worth it.”
They stared at each other for what seemed like eternity, both with tears threatening to start to flow at any moment. Brian took a step towards his lover and cupped his face with his palm, “We’re worth it,” he said softly.
Justin smiled at him and they kissed.
~~~
It’s been over three weeks since that night. For the most part Justin stayed at the loft. When he thought that either he or Brian or both of them needed a break, he stayed at his mother’s…which Brian was unaware off…only stopping by his apartment to get a change of clothes and things for school. Except when he wanted to be alone. He would sit in Daphne’s room that was empty now, except for the bed and a dresser, and cry.
“Whatta hell are you doing up so early on Saturday morning?” Brian growled, walking down the stairs and into the kitchen. When Justin looked up from the paper he was reading and smiled at him, he continued. “And since when do you read newspapers?”
“I’m not reading a newspaper.”
Brian gave him a funny look and motioned towards the paper in front of him.
“I’m looking for a new place,” he explained.
“What’s wrong with yours?” Brian asked, pouring coffee.
“Nothing,” Justin looked away. “I just…it’s…too hard.”
Brian walked over to him.
Justin willed himself not to break down again and looked up at Brian. “So, wanna come with me? Help me find a place?”
Brian seemed to think about it for a moment. “I already found one,” he said.
Justin looked at him confused, then realized what Brian meant.
“Brian, we talked about this.”
“No. You talked about this and I listened and I have to tell you that you’re completely full of shit.”
“Thanks,” Justin smirked at him.
“I don’t want you here because I feel responsible, or guilty, or freaked out, or scared, or…or any other reason I’m sure you can come up with. I want you here because…I want you here.” When Justin just stared at him, he continued, “And I’m sick of having to get up early so you can get to your apartment in time to get stuff for school, or having to drive across town in the middle of the night ‘cause you forgot a your fucking underwear. Besides, I like fucking you in the morning.” They both smiled.
Brian stared at him expectantly. Justin slowly walked over to him.
“Ok, you win,” he said, “I’ll move in.”
Brian smiled, “You do rhymes now too?”
“Fuck you,” Justin laughed.
“Multi talented, I like that.”
“As if you didn’t know that before.”
Brian pulled him in closer for a kiss.
~~~
“That’s the last one,” Justin said as he dropped the box to the floor.
Brian looked around, his living room filled with boxes.
“When the hell did you get all this? When you moved out of here you barely had two bags.”
Justin laughed, “That’s what happens when you get your own place. You begin to acquire things.” Brian just shook his head. “Don’t worry, I’ll unpack what I need and the rest of it can go to storage,” Justin said, not wanting Brian to get a stroke over a mess in the loft.
“Nah, it’s ok. We’ll just…make a hole in the wall or something,” Brian joked, then went into the bedroom. “We should get ready…everybody’s waiting for us at the diner.”
Justin walked into the bedroom a couple of minutes later, carrying something in his hands. He handed it to Brian who was sitting on the bed. “This is for you.”
“What’s the occasion?” Brian asked skeptically.
Justin shrugged his shoulders, “Just thought you’d like to have it.”
Brian tore the wrapping paper to see a drawing that he fell in love with. The one of the two of them the night before Justin left for New York. Justin put it in a frame and there was an inscription in the lower right-hand corner. He read it over and over again, realizing what Justin was telling him.
They still haven’t discussed the terms of their arrangement, both realizing that the previous arrangement didn’t work very well. Justin realized that Brian was right…they couldn’t put locks on their doors. He didn’t really want to, at least not now. But the rules that they set up didn’t work either. Everybody knows that rules are made to be broken. And when you break the rules, you do it on purpose and you end up hurting the person you love on purpose…or you end up lying to the person you love…and hurting that person on purpose. They didn’t want to do that anymore. That was the only rule between them now. They didn’t talk about other tricks. It gave them too much importance…let strangers into their relationship. The two of them came first.
Brian looked at Justin. “Are you sure?” he asked.
Justin nodded.
Brian looked down at the drawing again, already deciding where they were going to hang it, and put it on the nightstand. He turned to Justin, pulling him to himself, kissing him.
Then it was just the two of them…the rest of the world forgotten.
And as they made love, the drawing laid still next to the bed…with six little words written on it, “No Locks. No Rules. Just Us.”
The End.