Just Us - Part 5

Justin and Daphne were goofing around at the counter, waiting for their order, when Brian came up behind them.

"Hi, honey," he said to Daphne, giving her a peck on the cheek.

Daphne laughed, "Hi, Brian."

He took a seat next to Justin.

"Hey," Justin said, his smile fading.

It's been over 3 weeks since that night and for the most part both of them pretended as if nothing happened. Except…even though nobody else noticed, for the two of them it felt like there was a huge elephant in the room…the after-break up weirdness was back.

"I thought you had tonight off," Brian said.

"I do…we're just getting some food."

Brian nodded and searched the place for a sign of a waitress.

"Not going out tonight?" he asked.

"Nah…we decided to stay in…rent some movies," Justin answered.

"Cool."

"Yep…just cute guys and junk food," Daphne added, trying to break the awkward silence.

Just then their food arrived. They paid the bill, said their good byes and left the diner.
 

~~~

"You're drooling again," Justin joked. It was their third time watching `American Outlaws', for the "plot" of course.

"Colin Farrell is just so yummy," Daphne replied.

Justin laughed, "Great, now you sound like Emmett."

"Well, look at him…those pecks, that butt, those arms, those puppy dog eyes…"

"Somebody has a thing for Irish guys," he teased.

"Oh, and you don't?" she shot back. Her smiled faded when she realized what she said.

"Low blow," he said, smiling, letting her know that it was ok.

Just then the phone rang. Daphne picked it up.

"Hello…oh, hi…yeah…he's right here…hold on," she handed the phone to him, "It's your mom."

"Hello…" he spoke.

Daphne watched Justin's expression go from smiling, to concern, to shock. He finally put the phone down, staring into space.

"Justin? What's wrong?"

He finally snapped out the daze he was in for a moment and looked at her. "I have to go," he said standing up.
 

~~~

"Deb, do you think maybe we can get some breakfast?!" Brian hollered from the booth. They've been sitting there for over 10 minutes now with no service. Debbie finally made it over to their booth.

"Sorry," was all she said as she took out her order book.

"Mom, you're ok?" Michael asked. He could tell she was upset about something.

"Yeah…" Just then the door opened, "Oh, Vic, thank God."

"Sorry, sis, I had to stop by the store," Vic said as he walked up to them.

"What's going on?" now concerned Michael asked.

Debbie turned to them. "Uhm…Jennifer called…" she stopped to wipe her tears that started to fall again. Brian's heart began to beat faster as he stared at Debbie, afraid of what was to come next.

"Justin's father…died last night," she finished.

Brian sighed in relief.

The what's and the how's followed.

"I'm not sure. She was pretty upset. She said it was a heart attack," Debbie finally said.

"Heart attack? But wasn't he kinda young for that?" Michael said.

"How's Justin?" Brian cut him off.

"Jen said he's doing ok…taking care of all the arrangements," when nobody said anything, she continued, "We're going to take them some food."

Brian gave out a laugh. For some reason people thought that tons and tons of food would make a person feel better when someone close to them died.

"What?" Debbie asked.

"Nothing," he got out of the booth, "Come on, I'll take you there."

Deb looked at him surprised at first, then turned around to go get her jacket.

"Well, we all should go," Emmett said.

"Yeah, that's just what they need, the whole big happy family getting in their way," Brian said.

Emmett realized that he was right. "Well, tell him we love him, ok?" he said, sniffling.

Brian sighed and rolled his eyes.
 

~~~

"I'll get that," Justin yelled out as he walked down the stairs to answer the door. All day long their phone did not stop ringing and people kept coming in and out of the house. Even though his parents were divorced for almost a year now, they were still the closest family his dad had and they had to make all the arrangements.

Justin was expecting another one of his relatives or one of his parents' friends to be at the door. Instead it was Andrew.

"Hi," Justin said surprised.

"Hey. Daphne told me what happened," Andrew said as he walked in, "Justin, I'm so sorry."

"Thanks."

"Are you ok?" Andrew hugged him.

"I'm fine," Justin pulled away.

"Justin, come on, it's me. You don't have to pretend…"

Justin cut him off, "Andrew, my dad was a homophobic asshole who hated the fact that I was his son. I haven't spoken to him in over a year. I'm FINE."

Just then they heard the front door opening. Deb, Vic, and Brian, carrying a tray of food, walked in. They all said hello while Debbie and Vic put the things down in the kitchen and went to talk to Jennifer upstairs. Brian was still left standing with a tray of something.

"Where should I put this?" he finally asked.

There was no more room in the kitchen, so Justin and he went to the living room.

"So, advertising doesn't pay what it used to, huh? You need to part time as a delivery boy?" Justin attempted a joke.

Brian gave him a faint smile, "Cute." Justin smiled at him. Brian looked around the room, uncomfortably.

"You ok?" he finally asked.

"Yeah," Justin nodded.

Brian stared at him. Justin's game face was flawless…no emotion, perfect mask. Brian thought that Justin might be better at this than he himself was. Justin told him once that he always knew what Brian was feeling because even though he couldn't read his face, he could read his eyes. So, Brian searched his eyes. Right away he knew Justin was lying. He took a step closer, reached out, and pulled the young man to himself, wrapping his hands tightly around his body. Justin's first reaction was to pull away, but he felt worn out. And being in Brian's arms felt so good, so safe. For a moment it felt like everything was ok, the way it was supposed to be. For a moment he didn't have to be strong. They stood like that for what seemed like forever, oblivious to a pair of eyes watching them from the kitchen.

Finally Justin pulled away.

"I have to go," he said as they made their way into the kitchen.

"Where?" Andrew asked.

"My dad's condo. I have to choose a suite."

"I'll drive you. It's on my way," Brian said.

"I can drive you there," Andrew said.

"You have a class," Justin said.

"Justin, I'm not going. I want to help."

"Andrew, there's not much left to do so there's no point for you to sit around here all day and watch my mom and sister get hysterical every 10 minutes. Besides, I'll need somebody's notes I can copy."

Andrew realized that he lost this round.

~~~

Brian pulled up in front of the building. Justin looked out the window, then down at his hands. Brian could tell there was something he wanted to say.

"There's something…uh…I…" he struggled to come up with the right words.

"Justin?"

Justin looked at him, "Forget it, it's nothing." He unbuckled his seat belt.

"You want me to go with you?" Brian asked.

"No, I'm fine."

"Ok."

Justin smiled at him, "Thanks for the ride."

Brian nodded as Justin got out of the jeep.

"Justin," Brian called out as the other man was about to shut
the door. He turned to him.

"I'll be there," Brian understood what Justin wanted to ask him. Justin nodded.
 

~~~

He's never been in his father's condo before. Closing the door behind him, he looked around. The things around the room, the furniture, were foreign to him. There weren't many accessories...the place was obviously missing his mother's touch…the pictures on the walls, flowers, little figurines, candles…nothing that he used to see in their house growing up. Taking a deep breath he headed towards the bedroom. He wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. This was harder than he thought it would be.

Trying not to look around and get distracted, Justin opened the closet door. He skimmed through his dad's suits. He pulled out a dark-blue one, a white shirt, and a tie, walked over to the bed, and started to put it all together to see how it would all look. He was in the process of putting the shirt inside the jacket when something on the night stand caught his eye.

Putting down the clothes, he walked over and picked it up. It was a picture of him when he was 11 with his dad. The picture was taken on one of their father-and-son camping trips that were organized by the country club his parents used to belong to. They had so much fun that day, that is until Justin's allergies kicked in and he became covered in hives. But before that they were fishing and playing around…just him and his dad. Justin always remembered that day with fondness; he and his dad were so close then. The fact that his dad felt the same way and what became of their relationship was heart wrenching.

Feeling the tears welling up, Justin took a deep breath. He couldn't fall apart now. He had to be strong…for his mom and Molly. In control of his emotions again, he got up and went back to matching the suit with the shirt.

~~~

Brian kept his word. He did come to the funeral, along with everybody else, even though the only time they saw Craig was when he was beating the shit out of Brian. They said they wanted to be there for Justin. He stood back from everybody, watching Justin. There was absolutely no emotion on the young man's face. He dutifully stood by his mother and sister at the cemetery during the funeral, holding both of their hands. He was very polite and said all the right things while everyone came up to say a few nice things to them. During the wake at Jennifer's townhouse he made sure everybody had a drink and food, made small talk, looked after Jennifer, took care of Molly…avoided all his friends…avoided Andrew…avoided Brian.

"Need help," Andrew said walking up behind Justin who was in the process of taking another tray with food out of the fridge.

"No, I got it, thanks," he replied. He put the tray on the kitchen table and pulled the cover off. "Everybody loves those crab cakes," he said, moving the crab cakes over on the plate."

Andrew put his arms around him from behind and began kissing his neck.

Justin pulled away.

"What?" Andrew asked, hurt.

"Nothing," Justin continued to move the food.

"Justin."

"Look, my whole family is in that room," he waived towards the living room, "I don't think right now would be a good time to come out to them."

"You want some company tonight?" Andrew asked, deciding to change the subject.

Justin put the rest of the food back in the fridge. "I'm probably gonna stay here," he said picking up the plate and walking out of the kitchen.

"How are you holding up?" Debbie asked sitting down next to Jennifer.

She sighed, "I'm ok, I guess. Justin did pretty much everything, so…"

"How is he?"

"He says he's fine."

"You don't believe him?"

"Do you?"

When Debbie didn't say anything, she continued, "It's not like him. I mean, I know he's trying to be strong for Molly and me but I just…he's been like a completely different person these past few days…I don't think I saw him cry once."

Debbie put her hands over hers, "He'll be fine, Jen. He's strong. He's Justin."

Jennifer sighed.

~~~

Having put away everything away, Justin practically fell on the couch. He took the jacket off and loosened the tie. Took a deep breath.

"Tired?" his mom asked, walking in.

"How's Molly?" he asked avoiding her question.

"Finally asleep."

"Good."

"What about you? How are you doing?"

"God. Why does everybody keep asking me this?" He sat up straight.

"Maybe because you keep lying to us."

He exhaled noisily, rubbed his forehead with his left hand. "I'm fine," he finally said.

"Justin…"

"Mom, I'm FINE," he repeated getting up, "I gotta get out of here."

"But…"

"I'm sorry…I have to…I gotta go," he practically sprinted out of the house.

~~~

"Well, what a surprise to find you here," Brian said sarcastically, taking a seat next to Justin at the bar counter at Woody's.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, this is a gay bar…and considering that I am gay and I like alcohol…it's really not that hard to figure out…especially for a bright boy like you."

Justin gave him a look that said, `try again, pal.'

"It would be the first place I'd go," Brian said.

"Actually, from what I heard you were at Babylon…getting your dick sucked," Justin smirked.

"Oh, yeah…well, the second place," Brian smiled at him, but got nothing in return. "How many of those have you had?" he asked when Justin drowned another shot and motioned to bartender for one more. 

"Not nearly enough."

Brian put his hand over his glass, "Come on, I'll drive you home"

"Fuck off," Justin said.

Brian didn't move. Justin looked up at him, then looked away.

"I don't…I don't wanna be alone right now," he almost whispered.

~~~

Brian was determined to make Justin forget about his dad and everything else for as long as he could. He used every possible trick he's used with Justin before…knowing what the other man liked…his sensitive spots…the things that made him crazy.  Sliding his hand to Justin's hip, Brian nudged him a bit, letting him know that he wanted him to roll over on his stomach. Justin did as ordered.

He was in the process of tearing the condom wrapper when he felt Justin shake. He looked closer. Justin was crying. He closed his eyes and let out a breath. He didn't know if he should be relieved that Justin finally showed some emotion or concerned that he was crying. Brian threw the condom and the lube on the floor, then moved closer to Justin, embracing him. His heart was breaking at the pain this man next to him was going through, hating that there was nothing he could do to help him. So, he did the only thing he could…he held him until the tears stopped…until Justin fell asleep.

~~~

He walked down the stairs, buttoning his shirt.

"Hey," he said when he saw Brian in the kitchen.

Brian sort of nodded to him in reply.

"Uhm…sorry…about last night," Justin said.

"Yeah, that was interesting. I don't think I've ever made anybody cry in my bed before," he smiled at him.

Justin gave him a tiny smile.

"Coffee?" Brian asked.

Justin shook his head, "I should get going."

"Oh, right. I served my purpose. It's back to the hubby now," he sounded hurt and bitter.

Justin narrowed his eyes, confused, "Served your what?...whatta hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you playing happy couple with Mr. Perfect until something happens and you run back here."

"I didn't hear you complain at the time."

"Yeah, well, I wasn't the one who walked out of here without a word that night," not sure if he should say more, but not being able to hold it back any longer, he continued, "And I'm not the one who walked out of here six months ago."

There it was. The words were out. Finally the words were out.

Justin stared at him, astounded, for a moment. Were they actually going to talk about what happened? Finally get it all out in the open?

"No, of course not. You left long before then," he finally said.

"Whatta fuck are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Brian. You shut me out! You freaked that you actually gave a shit about me. So you took every chance possible to prove that you didn't."

Realizing that he was losing this round, Brian switched into an offensive mode.  "So you found somebody else to play house with?"

"This has nothing to do with Ethan," Justin said.

"The fuck it doesn't."

"Ethan was just there. He was convenient…and easy…and…and he was willing to give me everything you didn't," Justin said honestly.

Brian seemed to take it all in.

"And Andrew?" he asked.

"Andrew? I don't know…I don't know yet."

Brian looked away, biting his upper lip. Took a deep breath. "Why did you leave that morning?" he asked quietly. He looked back at Justin.

"Because…because that's what tricks do," Justin said, anger in his voice, "You fuck them and they leave. So, I left. You finally got what you wanted…I LEFT! Happy?!" Justin shouted.

He grabbed his jacket off the chair and made his way towards the door.

"No," he heard Brian say quietly behind him as he pulled the door open.

Justin froze in his tracks. There was so much pain in such a short word. And he hated that Brian was in pain. He hated that he was the one who hurt him. He hated the knot in his stomach every time he thought about Brian, about them together…what they had, what they lost. Slowly he turned around and looked at his former lover.

~~~

Justin closed the door to his apartment behind him, closed his eyes, and leaned in, his forehead touching the door. The day only began and he was already exhausted. He could still see the pain in Brian's eyes when he turned around...the frustration and the hurt mirrored his own. They just stood like that for a while...having said everything there was to say...everything they could say...both scared to death to open up a little more...scared of getting their feelings trampled all over again...scared of trusting the other person.

"Morning."

Startled, Justin turned around.

"What are you doing here?" he asked Andrew.

"Waiting for you," Andrew answered, ignoring the obvious 'duh'.

"Been here long?" Justin asked as he walked past Andrew and draped his jacket over the chair.

"Since last night," Andrew answered.

Justin, still with his back turned, didn't say anything.

"Daphne let me in," Andrew continued.

Justin nodded, still not turning around.

"Where were you?"

"At my mom's," he lied.

"Right," Andrew shook his head in disbelief, "I called your mom, Justin."

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck," Justin thought. Still didn't say anything.

"You were with him, weren't you?" it was more of a statement rather than a question. 

Finally Justin turned around."It's not what you think...Nothing happened." At least he didn't lie about that...not this time at least, he thought.

"Right, so what was it."

"I didn't want to be alone and..."

"And Brian was more than happy to be of service," Andrew cut him off.

"Nothing happened," Justin repeated.

"Yeah, maybe not...but the fact is...you went to him. I did everything to try to get you to talk to me...I would have done anything...I wanted to be there for you...but you just shut me out."

Justin looked at him, shocked. Just earlier today he was saying the same thing to Brian. 'But that was different', he told himself.  "Look, I told you before...Brian and I...we've been through a lot together...he knows me...he knows what I went through with my dad...he was there..."

"You have a history, I get THAT," Andrew cut him off again, "I mean, how is a guy supposed to compete with that?!"

"Nobody's asking you to compete," Justin said in frustration.

"Oh, yes, you are...every time you talk to him, every time you look at him, every time you think of him...he's always here, Justin. It's always Brian. And I tried...I really have..." He took a deep breath to calm down, to keep his voice from breaking, then continued, "Remember when I said that the reason I wouldn't ask you to choose was because I didn't want to put you in that position? Well, I lied.…it was because I knew what your answer would be…and I wasn't ready to give you up…I thought that I could change things…That I could make you love me."

"I do."

"But not as much as you love him."

Justin looked down. They both knew it was true. Andrew nodded, getting the confirmation that he really didn't need.

"I'm sorry," Justin said softly, looking back at him.

Andrew shrugged, trying to act nonchalant, "No harm done."

He walked around the couch and picked up his jacket. "A word of advice…" he reached for the doorknob, "You should tell him…before it really is too late." With that he was gone.

Justin felt like if a tornado just hit in the middle of his living room he wouldn't be surprised. He was having a week from hell.  It all seemed like one long, horrible nightmare. He slumped down on the couch.

"Hey," Daphne said quietly, as if afraid that any minute now Justin would break…or explode.  He looked over at her.

"You said you were gonna spend the night at your parents'."

"I thought you might like some company…but when I got here Andrew was waiting by the door."

Justin laughed. At this point it was either laugh at the whole situation or slit your wrists. He thought he'd start with laughing, but he didn't rule out any options. He rubbed his neck. Daphne walked over and sat on the other opposite side of the couch.

"What happened?" she asked.

He shrugged his shoulders, "Andrew was exactly what I wanted…kind, gentle, loving…he was ready to walk to the end of the earth to make me happy…but I still managed to fuck it up. What is wrong with me?"

"Nothing…it's just that…maybe it wasn't really what you wanted."

They both knew what he wanted…who he wanted.

~~~

He knew that Babylon wasn't a very good conversation place, but he finally gathered enough courage to find Brian and talk to him and he knew that if he put it off, he probably wouldn't do it at all. He stood on the catwalk scanning through the crowd…looking for Brian. He didn't know what he was going to say…or what he wanted to happen… if anything at all, but he had to talk to him.

Justin was ready to give up, deciding that Brian probably stayed in tonight, when he saw him…pulling some guy behind him towards the backroom. And the resolve, the decision to talk to Brian…disappeared. He felt like a complete idiot. What was he thinking?  That he'd come here and Brian would drop every thing…everyone…for him?

Feeling suffocated, Justin ran out of the club.

Go to Part 6

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