Assignment -Part 21:

 Run

Lyrics by Collective Soul

Are these times contagious
I've never been this bored before
Is this the prize I've waited for
Now as the hours passing
There's nothing left here to insure
I long to find a messenger

Have I got a long way to run
Yeah, I run

Is there a cure among us
From this processed sanity
I weaken with each voice that sings
In this world of purchase
I'm going to buy back memories
To awaken some old qualities

Have I got a long way to run
Yeah, I run

~~~***~~~***~~~

He closed his eyes, shutting out the brightness of the fluorescent lights and the whiteness of the walls and the ceiling.  He couldn’t stand that color anymore, the clinical quality of it.  He never knew he could hate a color, but after weeks spent in the hospital room, Justin had come to despise white.  White walls, white ceilings, white coats. 

His only escape was the window in the wall to his left.  All he could see from his bed were the clouds and occasional birds flying by, but yet Justin found himself spending hours just staring out of the window, losing himself in the sound of the city coming from the outside. 

Just as he did countless times before, Justin turned his head to the window and opened his eyes, ignoring the sound of the door opening.  He knew who it was.

“Sweetheart, are you ready?” his mother asked as she walked over to his bed.

Justin exhaled slowly before turning his head.  “Yes,” he said quietly. 

He was going home today. 

Justin slowly pushed himself up, wincing when he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen. 

“Here, let me help,” his mother rushed to him.

“I’m fine,” Justin quickly replied, sitting up before his mother could ‘help’.  He knew that when he told her what he did for a living, his mother would become even more overprotective, but when she found out about him getting shot, the over-protectiveness shot to a whole new level.  She treated him like he was a six months-old child. 

Nevertheless, she helped him put his pants and shirt on.  After a while he gave up on trying to convince her that he could do things on his own.  And half an hour later he was sitting in the passenger seat of her car, on his way home. 

He was happy to be home, of course.  He was happy to be anywhere else but that hospital room.  But what he wanted more was to be left alone – something that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.  As it was, his mother already tried to talk him into moving in with her.  But Justin simply refused to even talk about it. 

“Are you sure you’ll be ok alone?” Jennifer asked as Justin sat down on the edge of the bed. 

“I’ll be fine,” he replied with his well-practiced, automatic response, staring at the opposite wall blankly. 

She walked over and sat down next to him, letting out a loud sigh. 

Justin braced himself for the talk that he knew had been three weeks in the making. 

“Sometimes I still can’t believe how grown up you are.”

Justin looked up, surprised at the comment.  This was not what he was expecting to hear.  “I grew up a long time ago,” he pointed out.

The blonde-haired woman smiled.  “I know.  I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.”

“I’ll be ok, mom,” Justin said, placing his hand over hers.  He knew she was worried about him, for good reasons, too.  He couldn’t even imagine how hard it must have been for her to go through this ordeal.  “It’s over,” he added as he looked over at her.

“I know.  But…are you sure this is what you want?” 

She could see the confused look on his face, so she elaborated. 

“I am just wondering whether you quit because you don’t want me to worry,” she added, “Or because it’s really what you want.”

Justin shook his head.  “It is.”  He turned back toward the empty wall and closed his eyes.  He wasn’t sure he could explain to his mother why he decided to quit, what it was like to do what he did over the last six months.  He wanted no part of it anymore. 

“Are you ok, honey?”

Justin breathed in and looked up at his mother.  “Yeah.  Just tired.”

Jennifer nodded.  “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” she asked one more time.

Justin offered her a weak smile.  “I’ll be fine, mom.  I promise.”  She was about to say something, but he beat her to it.  “I’ll call if I need anything.  I’m fine, really.”

That seemed to do the trick.  Giving him a peck on the cheek and waving good-bye, his mother finally left him alone.

And Justin felt like he could breathe normally, like he could finally be himself – not having to pretend to feel or not feel certain things, so that his mother and everybody else wouldn’t worry. 

He quickly took his sweater off, ignoring the pain in his abdomen when he pulled on the stomach muscles.  Looking down, he stared at the bandage that was covering the wound.  It seemed easy enough – fixing something that was broken inside him with stitches and bandages.  He should feel lucky.  That was what the doctors had told him.  He was lucky to be alive. 

But he felt anything but lucky.  And definitely anything but happy.  He wished that fixing an emotional hole inside him was just as easy as it was to patch up the one the bullet left as it traveled through him. 

If he were honest enough, he wouldn’t even be able to describe what he was feeling.  Too many things happened all at once - learning the truth about Brian, getting shot, losing Brian.  His mind was still reeling from the recent events in his life.  And all he could think about was that day in Vermont – right before he saw Brian shoot Stockwell’s informant. 

He could remember so vividly the smell of fresh snow as the two of them skied down the hill, the taste of hot chocolate before they went upstairs to their room, the feel of Brian inside him.  All he had left now was a hole in his stomach and memories. 

He hadn’t seen Brian since that day in the park.  His lover never came to see him in the hospital.  When he was lucid enough to ask questions, Justin found out that Brian was on an operation in South America and no one knew when he’d be back.

It was over.

Justin scooted over to the center of the bed and carefully lowered himself down.  He closed his eyes, then opened them. 

He was alone. 

He turned his head toward the window, watching the clouds float by on the sky.

~~~***~~~***~~~

“It’s finally warm,” Daphne commented.

It was March now and the two were enjoying the early spring in a park near the community college where Justin was now teaching art. 

“Yeah.” 

“What’s with the one-word responses?”

Justin shrugged.  He just wasn’t much for talking lately.

“Ok.  That’s it, Taylor, spill.”  Daphne turned to him, forgetting her latte and focusing completely on him.

Justin chuckled at the determined look on his best friend’s face.  “There’s nothing to spill.  It’s warm.  What else do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know.  Something.  Anything.  Enough of the whole mourning thing.  It’s time to move on.”

“Mourning thing?”

“You know what I mean.”

Justin could only roll his eyes at that. 

“Oh, don’t give me that, Justin.  He’s been gone for months now.  What are you gonna do?  Wait for him for the rest of your life?”

Justin chose not to pretend not to know whom she was referring to.  “I am not waiting for him,” he replied, his voice dropping almost to a whisper.

“Like hell you’re not.”

“Daph, drop it,” he warned her.

“No.  If I don’t say it, no one will.  And you need to hear it, Justin.  You do.  He left.  He just left.  There is nothing you can do about it.  But you can’t just sit here and patiently wait for Brian to get over himself and come back either.”

“That is NOT what I’m doing,” he snapped.

“Then what are you doing?”

Justin let out an exasperated sigh.  “You wouldn’t understand.”  He looked away from her, his voice quiet once again. 

There was a pause before he felt Daphne move closer and put her hand on his arm. 

“I’m sorry,” she said.  “You’re right.”

He simply nodded, letting her know that her apology was accepted. 

“I know he cares about you,” she continued.  “I just hate what this is doing to you.”

“I know,” he said quietly, offering her a faint smile. 

“I just can’t believe he left just like that.  After everything that’s happened.  Without even talking to you,” she started again. 

“I guess he had his reasons.”  And Justin understood what those reasons were.  Not that it made any easier for him to accept Brian’s absence.  “Do you…do you know where he is?”  He knew he shouldn’t have asked Daphne that, for various reasons, not the least of which was the fact that he didn’t have clearance anymore to know about the CIA’s missions. 

Daphne hesitated for a moment before answering.  “Last time I heard he was in Brazil on some black ops mission.”

That was another reason he shouldn’t have asked – knowing where Brian was and that he certainly was in danger, it being a black operations mission and all, only amplified his concern for the other man.

He simply nodded in response.  There was nothing else that he could say.  Brian made his choice.  And now they both had to live with it.

“I should get going,” he said, getting up from the bench. 

Daphne followed his suit.  “You need a ride?”

“Nah,” he smiled.  Even though he was pretty much back to normal, Daphne was still as protective as during his first days in the hospital.  “I got my car.”

“Ok.”  She smiled.  “Same time tomorrow?”

Justin smiled back, nodding.  “You got it.”

The two friends hugged. 

Justin waited until Daphne disappeared from his view before turning toward the other side of the park where he left his car.  Since he had plenty of time before his next class, he walked slowly, enjoying the long-awaited warm weather.  He raised his head to the sun, letting the warm rays of wash over his face, enjoying the first days of spring. 

Suddenly, he stopped, feeling somebody gaze on his back.  It was a feeling he had come to depend on during his time in the CIA, a sort of a sixth sense that allowed him to feel somebody’s presence even though he couldn’t see that person. 

And that was what he felt now – somebody watching him.  Someone in particular.  He knew who it was before he even turned around.  That was why Justin wasn’t in the least surprised when his eyes locked onto a pair of familiar ones across the street, watching him.

Brian was wearing his black leather jacket and black jeans – his usual outfit when he rode the bike.  He was leaning against a tree and Justin had a sneaking suspicion that he had been watching him for quite some time. 

The two just stared at each other for a while, neither one looking away or moving.  Justin understood Brian’s hesitation, but at the same time he knew that this had to be Brian’s move.  So, he did what he had been doing for months now – he waited.

Finally, he saw Brian push away from the tree and cross the street, slowly making his way toward him.  And still Justin didn’t move.

“Hey,” he offered when Brian finally reached him, a faint smile gracing his lips.  He thought he’d be angry, he would give Brian a piece of his mind when he finally got to talk to the man.  But he didn’t feel any of those things.  All he wanted to do was to wrap his arms around the other man.  He refrained from doing that, though, waiting for Brian to say something in response.

A barely audible ‘Hey’ followed.  “How…how are you?” Brian finally asked.

Justin shrugged his shoulders slightly.  “Ok.  I’m fine.”  Brian didn’t appear to believe him, his eyes shifting between Justin’s face and his stomach where he was shot.  “It’s fine,” the blond repeated.  “Doesn’t even hurt anymore.  The scar pulls sometimes, but doesn’t hurt.” 

He could see the guilt written all over Brian’s beautiful face, which only confirmed to Justin the reason behind Brian’s disappearing act.

Brian nodded and looked away, finding something fascinating on the ground under his boot.

“When did you get back?” Justin asked when he realized that Brian wasn’t in a very talkative mood.

The brunet breathed out a puff of air.  “Recently.”  He looked up to meet Justin’s eyes.  “Last week,” he amended, looking away once again.

Justin couldn’t keep the disappointment from showing on his face.  It was one thing to know that Brian was staying away from him while he was on missions, but it was another to know that he and Brian had been in the same city for a week and the other man only now decided to come to see him.  He tried not to let it get to him, but the truth of it still hurt. 

“I would have asked how your mission went, but I guess you’re not allowed to tell me anymore,” he tried to joke. 

Brian managed a tiny smile.  “Yeah, Lindsay told me you quit.”

“It was time,” Justin confirmed.

“After getting shot? Who could blame you?”

“It had nothing to do with that,” Justin replied.  “Well, it mostly had nothing to do with that.  I’d been thinking about it for a while.  But getting shot definitely has a tendency of forcing you to make decisions you’re otherwise scared to make.”

“So, how is it?  Life on the outside?”

“It’s good.  Different.”  Justin smiled.  “Weird.”

Brian returned his smile.  “Weird’s good.  Sometimes.”

Justin sighed and looked away, feeling increasingly uncomfortable.  There were so many things he wanted to say.  Instead he and Brian were doing the whole meaningless banter thing.  And after being so close to death, Justin decided that he just didn’t have time for meaningless – anything. 

“Well, I should…I have a class,” he said after a long silent pause. 

“Right,” Brian nodded.  “Yeah.  Ok.”

Justin waited for the brunet to say anything else, anything at all, but all he got was more silence.  So, with nothing left to do, Justin turned to leave. 

He was a few feet away now, painfully aware of Brian’s stare on his back.  He swore to himself he would always say what he wanted to say, what was important.  Now was the time. 

He stopped and turned around, meeting Brian’s gaze. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said.  “What happened.  It wasn’t your fault.”

Brian’s eyes dropped to the ground, avoiding Justin’s gaze. 

“Shit happens.  And that has nothing to do with something you did or didn’t do,” Justin continued.

Brian looked up to meet Justin’s eyes.

“I just wanted you to know that,” Justin added, letting his mouth spread into a thing smile.  “Later,” he said before once again turning to leave.  This time as he walked away from Brian.  He didn’t turn around, didn’t look back once. 

Daphne was right.  It was time to move on. 

Later that night, after his class, Justin sat in his living room, going over everything that had happened since the night he met Brian.  That night changed his life.  For better or worse?  That still remained to be seen. 

He flipped through his sketchbook slowly, studying each and every drawing he made of Brian.  There weren’t many – about ten – most of Brian asleep, since the CIA operative was not the most ideal model.  While the man was absolutely stunning, he could not sit or lie still for more than two minutes, unless he was asleep. 

There was another reason why Justin preferred to draw Brian while the other man slept.  It was the only time, especially during the first few months of their relationship that Justin could see the real Brian, not the one hiding behind a mask of secrets and lies. 

And now as Justin flipped through the memories drawn in his sketchbook, he realized that he had to let it go.  Let the memories go – everything that he had been holding onto all this time. 

He had to let Brian go. 

He was staring at the last drawing of Brian he did – their first night at Vermont- when he heard a knock on the front door. 

Closing the sketchbook, Justin placed it on the coffee table and went to open the door.  He was more than a little surprised when he came face to face with the object of his drawings.

The two men stared at each other for what seemed like eternity, neither sure of what to say.  Whatever was there, it had been said before. 

They both knew it wouldn’t work.  Couldn’t.  They both knew that more than anything they wanted it to. 

Justin stepped back, letting Brian inside.  The brunet walked through the door, immediately covering Justin’s mouth with his own.  And Justin found himself getting lost in the taste and feel of Brian’s mouth that he had missed and dreamed and thought about for months now.

And for now – that was all that mattered. 

For now, it was just him and Brian. 

What would happen tomorrow?  He didn’t know.   No one did.  Things never stayed still.  They always moved ahead.  And he would just have to try and keep up with them.  With the rest of the world. 

But for now, he could stand still. 

With Brian.

The End.

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