Anything Goes - Part 9:
Truthfully
“It’s your birthday. Why am I getting a surprise?”
“Don’t get lost, little boy.”
“Justin…JUSTIN!!!”
“God, no.”
“He’s the key to it all.”
“No, no, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
~~~***~~~***~~~
Brian sat up quickly, gasping for air. His nightmares had become a normal occurrence in the last few weeks. The events in them varied, but the ending was always the same – him holding Justin’s bloodied, lifeless body in his arms.
Looking over his shoulder, he watched Justin’s sleeping form for a few minutes as he tried to get his heartbeat back to normal. When he was confident that his legs wouldn’t buckle underneath him, Brian rose from the bed, careful not to wake the sleeping beauty on the other side, and tiptoed into the bathroom. Closing the door, he turned on the faucet, splashing cold water on his flushed, sweaty face. He could still see the silver SUV heading straight for Justin. Hear the sound of Justin’s body being hit by the car. Feel the warm red blood on his hands.
“The truth is inside you.”
He could hear Mysterious Marilyn’s voice in his head. Whether he was awake or asleep, he could still hear it. The problem was, he had NO idea what it all meant.
~~~***~~~***~~~
“Come on, we’re gonna be late,” Brian called from the bedroom.
Usually, they had a pretty set schedule whenever Justin stayed over at the loft, waking up about half an hour earlier to have enough time for a quick fuck and a shower. Not today, though, both of them having overslept after last night’s activities.
Justin grinned in spite of himself as he finished brushing his teeth and washed his face. Hanging the towel back on the hook he joined Brian in the bedroom, looking for his clothes on the floor at the foot of the bed.
“Do you wanna do anything tonight?” Justin asked, unsure whether it was a good idea. It had been a week since the big blowout at Babylon and things were far from normal. In fact, neither one of them had spoken more than two words to the rest of the gang since that night. They weren’t consciously trying to avoid their friends, but both of them were still pissed as hell and instead of saying something they might regret in the future, they chose to stay sane for a change. It was nice, actually. Just the two of them. It was just like the first week after they got back together. Before everybody found out. Before their relationship became public property. They were in their own little world again. And it felt more private, more intimate this way. If he could, Justin would have stayed in that little world forever.
But he knew he couldn’t. And he knew that sooner or later Brian would get restless. Which was NEVER a good thing. Besides, the gang was still their makeshift family, even if they did on occasion say wrong things.
He watched Brian’s face turn somber. “Don’t you have that painting to finish?” the exec asked, turning away.
“It’s not due for another week. I’ve still got time.”
Justin sat on the bed, patiently waiting for Brian to make up his mind. Having heard most of the things Brian had said, or shouted, that night, Justin understood the other man’s reservations about facing their friends. Justin knew better than anybody how hard it must have been for Brian to know that their friends had a glimpse into his private life, what he felt, what he thought.
“Fine.”
Justin smiled when Brian turned to him once again. “Eight? Woody’s?”
“Fine,” Brian repeated, before finally closing the closet and heading into the kitchen.
~~~***~~~***~~~
Justin opened the door to his apartment, being immediately greeted by the smiling face of his roommate.
“Excuse me? Do I know you?”
“Shut up,” Justin laughed, slapping the other man’s arm.
“You know, if you’re paying for rent, you might as well sleep over here from time to time,” Nick said, rubbing the spot where Justin’s hand connected with his arm.
“Brian and I…”
“Got horny? Fucked like rabbits?”
Justin stuck out his tongue, a habit he was sure he had picked up from his boyfriend. Just because it was true didn’t mean he had to admit it. “Shouldn’t you be grateful for having the place all to yourself?” Justin asked, seeing Kevin come out of Nick’s bedroom. “Hey, Kev.”
“Justin,” the brunette nodded. “He does have a point,” Kevin said, turning to his boyfriend.
Justin smiled at the couple and before Nicholas had a chance to say anything else, hurried into his own room to change for work.
~~~***~~~***~~~
When Brian arrived at Woody’s, Justin was already there waiting for him on the steps leading up to the entrance. They walked inside, spotting Michael, Ben, Ted, and Emmett at one of the tables. Brian stopped, eyeing the group uneasily. He knew there was no turning back. He’d just have to get this over with and face his friends. But putting it off just a little while longer did seem like a good idea. Sending in Justin for some prep work sounded even better.
“I’ll get us drinks,” he said, turning to Justin. “Jim Beam?”
Justin shook his head slightly. “Beer.”
Brian nodded, turning in the direction of the bar, watching Justin move toward the group out of the corner of his eye. Forcing himself not to look at the gang or try to hear what Justin was saying to them, Brian instead focused on the guy behind the bar pouring him a drink and getting Justin’s beer. Finally, with two drinks standing in front of him, he knew there was no more stalling. He’d just have to go and face the music. Or the apologetic glances of his friends.
Taking a deep breath, he turned around, and picking up the drinks, headed toward their table. Without even speaking a word he could feel the tension surrounding the group.
The only one who seemed to be completely relaxed was, surprisingly enough, Justin. He took the bottle of beer from him, thanking him with a smile. “Michael was just saying that he had to order another shipment of the second issue of Rage, ‘cause it sold out again,” he informed Brian excitedly.
Brian’s eyes danced between his lover’s face and his best friend who stared at him like a puppy after it chewed up your favorite shoes. “I told you it was going to be big,” he said, his lips curving up at the edges.
“And it’s getting bigger,” Michael said, obviously feeling safe enough to speak. “The website that we set up gets at least five hundred hits a day.”
“Oh, isn’t it wonderful? We have our own two geniuses right here,” Emmett exclaimed. “One day you two will become millionaires and we’ll need appointments just to have brunch with you.”
“Don’t worry. With Justin’s appetite, a brunch would be his number one priority, no matter how rich he is,” Brian said, moving away in time for Justin’s hand to miss his arm as the teen tried to slap him.
“Food is an important part of life,” Ben offered.
“Another Buddhist saying? No wonder he was so fucking fat?” Brian smirked.
The whole group laughed, all of them feeling relaxed for the first time this evening.
“Would any of you boys like to get your fortune told?”
All six of them turned around, their eyes settling on a familiar face covered in make up and topped with a big wig.
“Oooh, yes, absolutely,” Emmett exclaimed, quickly standing up to make his way over to the bar where the drag queen was sitting.
Brian watched the rest of them get up to follow him as well, including Justin. “Where are you going?” he asked, grabbing the teen’s sweater and pulling Justin back into his arms.
“To get my fortune told,” Justin said, trying to break from his embrace.
Sucking his lower lip into his mouth, Brian studied the blonde’s face…seeing an almost childlike excitement in the blue sea that were his lover’s eyes. “You don’t really believe in that shit, do you?”
Justin shrugged. “You never know.”
Finally, breaking free, Justin followed the rest of the gang that was now huddled on one side of the bar.
“You first, sweetheart,” the psychic said, turning to the youngest member of their little circle. Justin beamed at her, moving closer, oblivious to the look of alarm on his lover’s face. “What do you prefer? Cards? Palm? Ouija board?”
“Palm’s fine,” Justin replied, holding out his right hand just as Brian walked up to him, wrapping his arm around Justin’s shoulders.
“Well, let’s see what the future holds for you,” Mysterious Marilyn said, taking the pale hand in hers, staring down at his palm. She remained quiet, intently studying the lines and wrinkles that formed weird patterns. Suddenly, her eyes grew wide and, without even touching her, Brian could feel the tension in the fortuneteller’s body. Her eyes shot up at Justin’s face, with an expression that Brian couldn’t quiet read.
“What? What do you see?” Justin asked.
Brian felt his stomach churning when she moved her gaze on him, before settling back on Justin.
“Great love,” the psychic said, letting go of Justin’s hand.
Trying to cover up his own anxiety and not let the wide grin on Justin’s face get to him, Brian rolled his eyes. “And I foresee a great fuck,” he whispered in the teen’s ear, “If we get out of here now.”
Justin’s smile got even wider as he spun around, finding Brian’s lips for a brief moment, before the two of them headed out.
~~~***~~~***~~~
“Oh…God…Brian….”
Opening his eyes, Brian smiled down at his lover, as he continued to thrust inside the tight hole. His smile quickly faded when his eyes settled on the swollen lips that were calling out to him…literally.
Lowering his face down, he covered them with his own, hungry for Justin’s mouth.
“Ahhh…” Justin gasped, squeezing his eyes shut, as Brian pushed into him harder and deeper.
Pushing himself up, Brian gazed down. “Open your eyes,” he murmured.
His only response was Justin’s jagged breathing.
“Open your eyes, Justin,” Brian breathed against the blonde’s flushed face. He smiled, being greeted by two crystal blue pools, intensified by the blue light surrounding them. “I want to see you…I want you to see me.”
A moan caught in Justin’s throat as Brian moved in and out, not breaking their eye contact even for a moment. Every move, every sensation running through his body was heightened by seeing the same reaction, the same feeling, the same emotions reflected in Justin’s eyes.
He felt Justin’s muscles contracting and in the next moment he watched his lover climax. There wasn’t anything more beautiful than Justin’s flushed face as the blonde found release. What made it even more intense was the knowledge that he had a hand, or other parts of his body, in creating the beautiful vision before him.
Not being able to hold back any longer, Brian found his own release inside his boyfriend.
~~~***~~~***~~~
“He’s the key to it all.”
“YOU are the only one who knows.”
“I wish I didn’t meet Justin that night.”
“JUSTIN!!!…No, no, no, no, no, NOOOO!!!”
Trying to get his body to stop shaking, Brian slowly opened his eyes, grateful to find that Justin was still sound asleep. Carefully sitting up, he buried his head in his hands. The dreams were becoming more intense and more vivid every night. And he needed to know what they meant. He needed answers. And there was only one person who could give it to him.
~~~***~~~***~~~
Even though it was late, he found her sitting in the same spot he last saw her…at the bar at Woody’s.
“Brian Kinney! Come to get your fortune told?”
He snickered, taking a seat next to her. “Shows how much you know.”
She only smiled wider at him, her intense gaze unnerving. “So, what bothers you more? The dreams? Or the boy’s new little friends?”
Not even trying to hide the shock from his face, Brian stared at her wide-eyed
“Thought so,” she smirked.
Brian looked away, chewing nervously on the inside of his lower lip. His mind was screaming to just get up and go back home, to his warm bed and his lover. But he knew he couldn’t. The drag queen sitting next to him was the only person who could explain what he was feeling. Inhaling, he looked up, fixing his eyes on hers. “I need to know what it all means.”
She shook her head. “I can’t tell you that.”
“Why not?”
“Because, you’re the only one…”
“Who knows,” he finished for her, sounding exasperated and annoyed at the same time. “I’ve heard this before. It doesn’t explain to me what the hell it all means.” He looked around, realizing that his voice was getting louder. Thankfully, due to the late hour the place was practically deserted. “You said I’m supposed to learn something. What is it?”
“Your destiny. Your fate.”
He couldn’t help but sneer at her reply.
“You don’t believe in it?”
Brian shook his head. “No. Fate is bullshit weak-minded people invented to believe in when they’re trying to explain why they’re so fucking miserable.”
“So, you don’t think that it was fate that led Justin to Liberty Avenue the night you met him? That it led you to him?”
Brian leaned back on the bar, smiling at the memory of Justin standing at the light pole outside Babylon. He could still remember how much he wanted Justin that first night, barely making it to the loft before pouncing on the boy. “No. I think his dick led him to Liberty. And my dick led me to him,” he replied, staring back at her.
“You’ll never be happy unless you accept your destiny. Because you can’t fight it. No matter what you do or how far you run, it will always catch up with you.”
“I make my own destiny,” he replied, his face becoming grim.
But Mysterious Marilyn just shook her head. “You get choices in life. Choices that might affect your journey, but the end result is the same. Fate always wins in the end. Fate ALWAYS gets what’s hers.”
Pressing his lips together, he studied her face for a moment, letting her words sink in. “So, you’re not going to tell me.”
She smiled again. “You know I can’t.”
He nodded. “Ok, how about telling me what you saw in Justin’s hand?”
The smile fading quickly, she turned away, avoiding Brian’s intense gaze. “You’ll have to find out for yourself.”
He was getting tired of these vague answers and riddles. He needed something solid. Something that told him he wasn’t going completely insane. “Ok, fine,” he said in defeat. “I just need to know one thing.”
“The dreams?” she asked, gazing up at him once again.
He nodded. “I see…Justin…” His body began to tremble again as an image of Justin covered in blood flooded his brain. “…hurt…” He swallowed hard. “…dead…I need to know if it’s real. If any of it is real.”
“I think you already know the answer to that question,” she said softly.
He stood up, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. Swallowing hard, he nodded to her. He wanted to say…something…something appropriate for this type of conversation, but he didn’t trust himself to speak. Instead, he rushed out into the cold of the night, feeling the need to be near Justin. Jumping in the Jeep, he drove home.
~~~***~~~***~~~
Carefully sliding the door shut, Brian set the alarm. The loft was quiet and dark and he hoped that the sound of the door closing and his footsteps would not awaken his sleeping lover.
“Brian?” Justin’s sleepy voice broke through the quiet.
Brian climbed the steps up to the bedroom, his eyes settling on the teen sitting in the middle of the bed. He could barely see Justin’s face, the only light in the room coming from a light pole outside. “It’s ok. Go back to sleep,” he said softly, almost whispering.
“Where did you go?” Justin asked, stifling a yawn.
Shedding his jacket and throwing it on the floor, Brian sunk heavily on the edge of the bed. “Couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk.”
Justin, of course, was not satisfied with the answer. Rising to his knees, the blonde moved next to him. “You should have woken me up.”
Brian turned to his lover, realizing how Justin might have interpreted what he said. And he didn’t want Justin to think that. Didn’t want him to think that he’d leave him in bed and go fuck somebody else. “Not that kind of walk,” he clarified.
“Oh,” was all Justin said.
Sighing heavily, Brian looked down at his hands. The conversation with Mysterious Marilyn did not give him the answers that he had hoped for. If anything, it created more questions, leaving him even more confused than ever before.
“Is there any chance you’d actually tell me what’s wrong?” Justin whispered, moving closer to him while gently rubbing Brian’s back.
He wanted to. Wanted to so badly, everything inside of him was screaming. But he couldn’t. There was no way he could explain any of it. What he felt. What he saw. What he knew. None of it made any sense to him. And the only thing he’d accomplish by sharing all of it with Justin would be convincing his lover that he was a complete mental case. Justin would probably have him committed.
Instead of responding, he looked up, meeting Justin’s eyes. Justin raised his hand, gently cupping Brian’s face. “I wish you’d tell me.”
Brian closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. It felt so good. It felt so…right. And he was scared. So damn scared of losing it. Losing this feeling. “I don’t want to fuck this up,” he said quietly, opening his eyes and once again locking them on Justin’s.
The other man’s lips curved up in a soft smile. “You’re not gonna fuck this up.”
“You don’t know that.” Fucking up was a skill he had perfected.
Justin leaned in even closer, their faces mere inches apart. “You’re not the one who fucked up before. I am. If anything, I’ll be the one to do it again.” Justin paused, looking away. “Ok, not something you probably wanted to hear right now,” he laughed nervously.
Definitely not. But Brian knew that Justin was wrong. He did fuck up. He failed Justin in so many ways the first time around. It scared the shit out of him that he might repeat all those mistakes again.
“You’re not fucking up, Brian.”
He looked up, his eyes studying his lover’s face, parts of which were hidden by the shadows. Needing to feel Justin in his arms, he brought the teen into his chest. Justin wrapped his arms around him, allowing Brian to relax into the embrace.
“I love you,” Justin whispered.
Brian’s eyes shot open. This was the first time Justin said those words since…since the very beginning. And even though Brian slipped during his rant a few weeks ago, it wasn’t mentioned. They both pretended as if it hadn’t happened. Justin let him off the hook and Brian was more than grateful to his boyfriend for that. But now…now Justin needed to say those words. And no matter how much he tried to deny to himself and everybody else, Brian needed to hear them. And needed to say them as well.
“Me too.”
This isn't what I like to
call flattery,
But I know that I believe that I've found what's true,
That I've found what's you.
Truthfully I
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully you
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully we
Are finding out what's true.
And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.
Surprise, cause I was flying the plane.
Surprise, cause now I'm smiling again.
Surprise, cause you showed up with your parachute.
Surprise, I'm kind of happy you showed up.
Truthfully I
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully you
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully we
Are finding out what's true.
And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.
Truthfully, I really can't explain, I'm floating, I'm smiling again.
Truthfully, I can't ignore you, cause I've been waiting for you.
Truthfully, I'm not desperate, I haven't changed my mind since we first met,
But the last thing that I want to do is to tell you that I'm right for you.
Truthfully I
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully you
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully we
Are finding out what's true.
And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully, I'm finding out what's you.
I'm smiling again.
Truthfully
Truthfully by Lisa Loeb
Go to Part 10