Also a big thank you to everyone who has sent me feedback, good or bad (thankfully, nearly all of it has been good ^_^). As odd as it sounds, nothing makes me happier than reading about how one of these silly stories caused someone to laugh until their ribs hurt! You all have NO idea how much I appreciate your comments! Thanks for taking the time! Although, I can’t help but think you people are exaggerating a little. I know for a fact that these aren’t THAT funny. Anyway, I hope this one doesn’t disappoint you.
The first half of this isn’t quite as funny as the second half, in my opinion. Sorry about that…heh…I wrote the two halves a few months apart, and I was in two completely different “humor moods,” the second one being the funnier of the two (a little wackier, too). At least I think so.
If you've never seen a daytime talk show, you probably won't find this very funny. It would be best if you've seen Maury (the only one I enjoy at all), but pretty much ANY talk show will do just fine.This is a pretty clean story, there are a few questionable moments (but don't worry, it's NOTHING explicit). But, you won't find anything here that you wouldn't see in a PG or maybe a PG-13 movie.
A single * indicates an action that is going on. For instance: *audience claps*
Oh, and just to help you visualize this better, here's what Maury looks like. Just in case you didn't know! ^_^
*The audience claps.*
Maury: “Hello everybody, and welcome to the show! Today’s topic is a special one; one we’re very excited about. We’re going to be talking about a very important issue, an issue that is speeding up the already swift decay of this nation’s youth: Rabid Fangirl Crimes, also known as RFC. As you may be aware, RFC has become more and more prevalent over the last few years. Now, you might be thinking, “What’s the big deal? I‘ve never been the victim of RFC.” Well, today we’re going to be talking to some of the people this terrible epidemic has effected the most.”
*The producer’s voice comes over the speakers.*
Producer: “Wow Maury, you made it through the whole introduction without insulting anyone, ingesting illegal substances, or removing your clothing. I’m really proud of you; it seems like you’ve finally decided to behave.”
*Maury winks. And winks and winks and winks.*
Maury: “Oh, sure, you’ve got that right. I’m going to be on my best behavior. Heh, luckily, my idiot producer doesn’t know I have my fingers crossed behind my back, so I’m allowed to lie! HeeHee!”
Producer: “…Maury…you said that out loud….”
Maury: “No I didn’t. Anyway, I’d like to introduce our first guest. This poor man has been victim of RFC for most if his public life. Please give him a warm welcome, Sesshoumaru!”
*The audience claps.*
*Sesshoumaru walks out on stage.*
*Maury rises to meet him. They shake hands*
*Maury gestures Sesshoumaru to a chair next to his own.*
Maury: “Thank you for coming Sesshoumaru, we’re glad you could be here today.”
Sesshoumaru: “I was happy you asked me to come. RFC is a real problem facing our society, and more people need to be made aware of it. Is… Is something wrong, Maury?”
Maury: “Hm? Oh, no, it’s just… my hand feels kind of funny all of a sudden…”
Sesshoumaru: “Like, numb and tingly and on fire?”
Maury: “Yeah…”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh. Uh, I may have accidentally gotten some of my weird green poison stuff on it when we shook hands. I was fighting some demons this morning and I forgot to wash off the remnants. ”
Maury: “Oh…poison remnants…uh, is this something I should worry about?”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh, no. It’ll be fine. Or…it’ll melt your hand off. It’s about a 50/50 chance.”
Maury: “…”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh, and DON’T rub your eyes. That would be seriously bad.”
Maury: “Ok…I’ll make sure not to… So Sesshoumaru, first, why don’t you explain to our viewers exactly what RFC is. Please bare with us folks, this is going to be long and boring, but informative.”
Sesshoumaru: “Rabid Fangirl Crimes, or RFC, is exactly what the name implies. You see, sometimes a fan of a particular “something,” be it a book, or movie, or television show, gets just a little too “into” that “something.”
Maury: “Oh, like that time I was collecting American Girl dolls? And all those cute accessories! Ohh! I had the bunk bed, the red one, not the blue one, and the green desk lamp, and the-"
Sesshoumaru: “No. Nothing like that. At all. As I was saying, this is the first stage of RFC. In the next stage, this fangirl, the male variety is referred to as a fanboy, decides that she is unsatisfied with the amount of interactivity she has with the thing she has become interested in, or, obsessed with as the case may be. It’s during this stage that she decides that she really needs to start creating her own works, based on the original work.”
Maury: “You mean like how I made my own American Girl doll out of pipe cleaners and discarded Barbie heads?"
*the producer's voice comes over the speakers*
Producer: "Maury, you stole those Barbie heads from that little girl we had on the show last years who lost 3 of her limbs in a car accident!"
Maury: "Well...she didn't need them anyway! She only had one arm! She couldn't play with them anymore!"
Producer: "You're a monster Maury...a monster..."
Maury: "Yeah, yeah, that's old news! So, Sesshoumaru...you mean stuff like my home-made doll, right?"
Sesshoumaru: “NO! AS I WAS saying…this may manifest itself in what is called fanfiction, fanart, or a number of other things. Now, this in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Creativity is fine, and perfectly healthy. If the stages of RFC end here, there isn’t really a problem. However, if the fangirl reaches the third stage of RFC, then it becomes something to worry about. During the third stage, the fangirl begins to suffer from what scientists call, “What the Hell Were you Thinking Syndrome,” also called “WTF!? Syndrome” for short. "
Maury: “That sounds serious.”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh yes, it’s quite serious. In this stage, the fangirl begins to create works which… th-this is very difficult for me to talk about, Maury.
Maury: “Please take your time Sesshoumaru. Remember, people need to be aware of this.”
Sesshoumaru: “Right, right… As I was saying, at this stage the fangirl begins to create works depicting the characters from her obsession doing things…things that…they would never do. NEVER. NEVER EVER EVER! Or, they create alternate universes for the characters to interact in. Or, they insert themselves directly into their creation in the form of a “Mary Sue.” The Mary Sue is itself a horrible, horrible thing Maury, but that would take much too long to talk about. Suffice to say, the fangirl’s judgment and sense of logic has completely left her during the third stage, leaving her with only a gooey, sludgy, nonsensical mess in the place where her brain used to be.”
Maury: “My God…that’s awful! I think I’m going to be sick!”
Sesshoumaru: “You have no idea Maury. The pain this has caused me! The suffering! And I’m not the only one, oh no. Nearly every character from my show has been subjected to this!”
Maury: “We’ll be having some of them on the show later to talk to them about their experiences with RFC. But for now, Sesshoumaru, why don’t you share with us a few of your own?”
Sesshoumaru: “I’m one of the most common victims Maury. I really think it’s because I’m so pretty. No, beautiful. No, heavenly, No-”
Maury: “Sesshoumaru, please, could we continue?”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh, of course. Well, let’s see… One of the things fangirls love to speculate about is my love life. Now, anyone who has paid any attention to the show would know that I - do not - indeed have a love life. Women are intimidated by my hotess.”
Maury: “I can see why. Mmmm…”
*Sesshoumaru scoots his chair a bit farther from Maury.*
Sesshoumaru: “So, er, anyway… fangirls love to put me is a relationship with one of three people. Don’t get me wrong Maury, I’ve been paired up with almost everyone and everything at one time or another, but there are three main relationships that seem to keep coming up in fanfics and fanart. The first one, and perhaps the most “normal” would be Naraku’s minion, Kagura. Where do they get this idea!? In the show, I had what? Maybe ONE, just ONE conversation with her? Other than that, nothing. I have no clue about the manga, I’m not a big reader, you see. Don’t misunderstand me Maury, she’s an attractive women, but there is nothing between us! There never was, and never will be! WHAT GAVE PEOPLE THE IDEA WE WERE DEEPLY IN LOVE?!”
Maury: “Please Sesshoumaru, calm down.”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh, OH, that’s not even the worst of it Maury! The second “women” I’m constantly paired up with is one of my own followers, Rin!”
Maury: “And what’s wrong with that?”
Sesshoumaru: “Apparently Maury, you’re not aware that Rin is A LITTLE GIRL! DO I LOOK LIKE A PEDOPHILE TO YOU MAURY!? DO I LOOK LIKE I FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT LITTLE GIRLS!? These perverts make me sick! What is WRONG with them!? Oh Maury, if only you could read some of the filth written about Rin and I! If you could see some of the fanart, drawn by my so-called “fans!” It’s nothing but slanderous lies!”
Maury: “I like little gi-”
*The producer’s voice is heard from the speakers.*
Producer: “Maury, I really, REALLY hope you weren’t going to say what I think you were going to say.”
Maury: “No, no. I was just going to say, that I like little gi-”
Producer: “Keep it to yourself, Maury. I don’t want to be arrested for harboring a pedophile.”
Maury: “Fine, fine…”
Sesshoumaru: “I can only hope Rin never sees any of it…what would she think? She would be so embarrassed… ”
Maury: “You said there were three women Sesshoumaru. Who’s the third?”
Sesshoumaru: “Well Maury, the third women is actually many women, but they can all be referred to by the same name: Mary Sue.”
Maury: “Yes…you mentioned her earlier. Who is Mary Sue? Sounds…sssex-aaayyy…”
Sesshoumaru: “Ah yes…Mary Sue…the scourge of fanfiction. It’s quite simple Maury, quite simple. You see, sometimes fooling around with the characters in the normal way, by writing about them and drawing them, just isn’t enough. So, the fangirl will “create” an “original” character. This character is usually good at everything she tries, has a great personality, is the most powerful character in the story, everyone likes her, she has a great sense of humor, has interestingly colored eyes, and a unique name. Other features of Mary Sue might be a tragic past, and a beautiful singing voice, among other things. This character represents the fangirl. The fangirl PUTS A CHARACTER REPRESENTING HERSELF IN THE STORY. Oh Maury…the horror…”
Manda: “That’s right! Mary Sues are bad! How could anyone be pathetic enough to insert themselves into their own story!? Jeez!”
Maury: “Who are you?”
Manda: “I’m the author of…this…story.”
Maury: "…"
Manda: “Don't look at me like that! I'm warning you Maury! I AM ALL POWERFUL! I could write that you have a...a Pepsi can for a nose! HAHAhaha haha ha... Never mind, I've already lost interest. Ok. Well…yes. I guess I'll be going now. Do you have a Pepsi machine anywhere around here?”
Maury: "In the...lobby."
*With a *poof!* of purple-tealy-redish smoke, Manda vanishes, never to be heard from again.*
Sesshoumaru: "..."
Maury: “Ok, so...completely disregarding that... Er, so, Mary Sue is usually in love with you?”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh, not just me. I’m sure Inuyasha and… that monk guy have their share of Mary Sue problems too. Only, I have more, because I’m so pretty.”
Maury: “I see.”
Sesshoumaru: “To illustrate how bad this can get, I’ve brought an excerpt from a few of these fanfictions. In this particular piece, I’ve been paired with Rin. I’ve blotted out some of the more disturbing sections, but I think you’ll still get the idea. Ahem,
“Sesshoumaru’s golden eyes widened only fractionally as he stared at Rin’s naked body, bathed in moonlight. He had never noticed how beautiful she was before. As she approached him, suddenly the fact that she was only a child fled his mind.
“Sesshoumaru-sama…” she said.
His ***** *** ****. Her eyes widened at this, and she couldn’t suppress a small giggle. The thought that she could have such an effect on him somehow made her feel happy.
“Sesshoumaru-sama, I want you to *** ***** *** *** me.”
He could hardly believe his ears. She actually wanted him to *** ***** *** her! It was something, he now realized, he had secretly always wanted to do. He reached out to his little companion and slowly ****** her *****. Then he… OH MY GOD IT’S SO WRONG! I can’t read any more!”
Maury: “OH! But it was just getting to the best part!”
Sesshoumaru: “And that was one of the WELL written ones! Listen to this excerpt from another story. I’m not sure if this author even speaks fluent English… ahem…
“Rin was so hella sexy hott!! She looked at Sessy like she wanted to GET SOME!! Sessy stripped off alla his clothes and then Rins too and then they ******* ****** ******* ** ****** Rin ******* ****** ***** ***** **** Sessy **** **** * *** leg ********** **. All while Jaken watched behind some rocks!”
Maury: “…That was…slightly less pleasant to listen to...”
Sesshoumaru: “Neither one was meant to be pleasant! I just can’t deal with this kind of abuse anymore! RFC has ruined my life! I can’t go anywhere without people pointing and whispering to each other about “that perverted demon guy” anymore! I’m begging all of my fans to please stop this madness! PLEASE!”
Maury: “There, there…it’s going to be alright. Don’t cry…”
Sesshoumaru: “I’m…not crying, Maury.”
Maury: “Darn it! The audience LOVES it when our guests cry. It’s like a ratings magnet! Oh well…anyway, I think we’ve squeezed everything we needed out of you for today. Please stay here on the stage while I speak to our next guests, and feel free to contribute.”
Sesshoumaru: “Ok, but, I’m going to take that chair over there. I don’t feel comfortable with you being so close to my pretty-ness.”
*Sesshoumaru gets up and takes a chair two seats away from Maury*
Maury: “Fine, be that way. I…*sniff* don’t *sniff* mind.”
*Maury becomes hysterical and runs off the stage*
Producer: “Er…please stay with us! Uh…commercial, and such…”
***COMMERCIAL*** <-----Click it!
Maury: “And we’re back! I’m all better now! How? Let’s just say I had a little help from my two friends Mr. Alcohol and Ms. Hallucinogen. So, please help me welcome our next guests! Inuyasha and Kagome!
*The audience claps*
*Kagome walks out from backstage, followed by Inuyasha. Kagome takes the seat next to Maury, and Inuyasha sits down in the seat between Kagome and Sesshoumaru*
*Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha briefly give each other dirty looks, then turn away.*
Maury: “Welcome to the show!”
Kagome: “Thanks for inviting us Maury.”
Inuyasha: “This had better be worth it. I had to give up fighting with Generic Demon #356 for this.”
*Inuyasha sulks*
Maury: “Oh, it WILL be worth it. In more ways than one…for both of us…mmm…”
Inuyasha: “…”
Kagome: “…”
*a member of the audience stands up*
Audience: “The gay jokes are getting old, Maury!”
Maury: “Gay jokes never get old! You can milk them forever and ever and ever! Just like goats! UNLIMITED MILK!”
*Sesshoumaru scoots his chair a bit further away*
Kagome: “S-so, we were supposed to be talking about RFC…?”
Maury: “Oh, right. RIGHT! Why don’t you two tell us about some of your experiences with RFC? Lets start with you, Kagome.
Kagome: “RFC fanfiction involving me usually has something to do with unwed teenage pregnancy, rape, or me being a one-dimensional bitch who does nothing but whine and get kidnapped. Pardon my language, heehee!”
Sesshoumaru: “Humph…from what I’ve seen, you are a one-dimensional bi-”
*Inuyasha punches Sesshoumaru hard in the jaw. Sesshoumaru falls off his chair.*
Sesshoumaru: “My face! My beautiful FACE! You filthy little mutt! You completely smudged my makeup!”
*Sesshoumaru jumps up and whips out his sword. Inuyasha does the same.*
Inuyasha: “WHAT were you going to say about Kagome!?”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh-ho! I think someone’s being awfully touchy about ridicule directed at the girl he claims he doesn’t even love!”
*Inuyasha goes completely red. He quietly puts his sword away and sits down. After a few moments, Sesshoumaru also returns to his chair.*
Sesshoumaru: “That’s more like it.”
Inuyasha: “Jerk…”
Maury: “…”
Kagome: “So, as I was saying-”
Maury: “Uh, didn’t you find that out of the ordinary at all?”
Kagome: “Didn’t I find what out of the ordinary?”
Maury: “…Never mind. So Inuyasha, how about you? What kind of experiences have you had regarding RFC?”
Inuyasha: “Well, similar to everyone else’s I guess. Crazy Out Of Characterness in fanfiction, weird romantic pairings…things like that. The other day, I actually saw a fanart picture showing me doing…things…with…Shippou... OH GOD! THAT WAS A SUPPRESSED MEMORY UNTIL JUST NOW! MY EYES!”
*Inuyasha jumps up and runs backstage. Screaming can be heard, along with sporadic shouts of, “IT’S JUST SO WRONG! I DON’T WANT SHIPPOU TO TOUCH ME THERE! AAHHH!,” etc…*
Sesshoumaru: “Maury, I think I’m going to be sick.”
Maury: “No! Not on the carpet! There’s an airsickness bag under your chair, use that!”
*Sesshoumaru takes the bag out from under his chair, and places it on his lap, just in case.*
*Kagome peers under her own chair*
Kagome: “Why…do you have airsickness bags under the chairs?”
Maury: “You haven’t seen much of this show, have you?”
Kagome: “…”
Maury: “So…now we’re one guest short.”
Sesshoumaru: “Well, I brought someone with me. Will he do?”
Maury: “I guess so. Ask him to come out.”
*Sesshoumaru gets up and walks back stage. Maury and Kagome are now alone.”
Maury: “So, uh, do any of these fanfiction things pair you with a middle aged man wearing a maroon sweater who has his own talk show?”
Kagome: “…No.”
Maury: “Oh. Are you sure? Because I’d like to read something like that…”
*Kagome takes out her airsickness bag, just in case*
Maury: “Yeah, well…I have that effect on a lot of girls. Hmm…I wonder what’s keeping Sesshoumaru?”
*Moments later, Sesshoumaru walks out from backstage, followed by Jaken.*
Sesshoumaru: “I apologize for taking so long. Inuyasha cornered me in one of the lounges and made me swear I would tell him if I saw the little fox child anywhere. He was quite hysterical. Eyes bloodshot, hair askew, the whole deal.”
Maury: “I see. Should I call security?”
Sesshoumaru: “I don’t think that will be necessary, Maury. He ran face-first into a large table lamp. He’s out cold…or dead. Either way, he won’t be bothering anyone for a while.”
Maury: “Oh, good. That saves me the trouble! So, Sesshoumaru, who’s the person you brought with you today?”
Sesshoumaru: “This is Jaken. He’s my-.”
Maury: “Homosexual lover?”
Sesshoumaru: “NO! Oh...god…that’s just, so….”
*Sesshoumaru suddenly finds the airsickness bag extremely necessary and useful*
*While Sesshoumaru is emptying the contents of his stomach, Jaken leans over Kagome to get to Maury.*
Jaken: “He’s just shy. We’re really close, if you understand what I mean.” *Wink wink*
Maury: “Of course I understand what you mean! I am a talk show host you know!”
*Kagome, who has just finished overhearing the most disturbing thing in existence, joins Sesshoumaru in exploring the wonders of the airsickness bag.*
Sesshoumaru: “*Cough! Cough!* Aheh…, so as I was saying, Jaken here is my loyal follower, who…”
*Jaken and Maury exchange secret winks*
Sesshoumaru: “…for many years.”
Maury: “I see. So, Jaken, as a “loyal follower” *Maury does air-quotes* of Sesshoumaru, what kind of experiences have you had with RFC?”
Jaken: “Well Maury, I’m rarely the victim of these crimes myself. Most people already hate me so much, they can’t think of anything that will make me more obnoxious than I already am, so they just leave me alone. But Sesshoumaru-sama has suffered greatly! It makes my tiny green heart ache to see him suffer so!”
Maury: “What kind of things do you do to help Sesshoumaru through his hard times, Jaken?”
Jaken: “I stroke his long, beautiful flowing hair while he cries, Maury.”
Sesshoumaru: “You do no such thing you creepy little weirdo! I, Lord Sesshoumaru, do NOT cry! And I CERTAINLY would NOT let you touch me, let ALONE stroke my hair!”
*Jaken leans over to Maury and whispers*
Jaken: “Shy.” *Wink Wink*
Kagome: “I haven’t said anything for a while.”
Maury: “That’s true. Let’s continue that trend, shall we?”
Kagome: “What’s that supposed to-”
*Suddenly, a shout of “AAH! IT’S HIM! IT’S HIM!” is heard from backstage. A terrified looking Poodle comes dashing out on stage, with Inuyasha hot on his heels, slashing his sword through the air.*
Inuyasha: “It’s him! It’s Shippou! He’s come to touch my…my…AAAHHHHH!!!!”
*Inuyasha drops his sword with a loud CLUNK and grabs his…er…“private area”*
*He keels over and closes up into a tight ball*
*He begins to slowly rock back and forth*
Inuyasha: “Don’t worry boys, you’re safe now. If I stay in this little ball, he won’t be able to get you.”
Kagome: “…Inuyasha…are you talking to your testic-”
Jaken: “Sesshoumaru-sama does that all the time!! I stroke his hair while he does it!!”
Sesshoumaru: “WHAT!?!”
Maury: “Hmm…it seems we’ve deviated quite a bit from the topic of discussion, haven’t we? Good thing I had my producer bound and gagged during the commercial break, or we would have been interrupted by now.”
Kagome: “Maybe it would have been better if we had been interrupted. This whole display just has to be some kind of “God-might-decide-now-would-be-a-good-time-for-the-apocalypse” thing.
Maury: “You may be right. It might be a good idea to end this travesty before four scary gentleman on horses pay us a visit, eh? I’d like to thank all of our guests for joining us today, the audience for not trying to overcome the armed guards at the exit doors in order to escape, and of course, Satan, for making all of this possible. Please join us next time, when our topic will be, “People keep mistaking me for a woman! Give me a manly makeover!” A “man” by the name of Jakotsu will be joining us, along with a few other feminine guys. Will we be seeing you back for that episode Sesshoumaru?”
Sesshoumaru: “I’m already a very manly man, Maury.”
Maury: “Of course, you are.”
*Maury directs a knowing wink at Jaken, which Jaken returns, just as knowingly.*
Maury: “Goodbye everybody!”
*Maury’s ending music plays*
Epilogue: Rabid Fangirl Crimes continued to grow more heinous each day. Eventually, World War III was declared, with the fangirls/fanboys on one side, and the Abused Anime Character Alliance (AACA) on the other. Every country chose sides as well, except France, who was on vacation at the time. Many a bloody battle ensued, until finally, a truce was declared. The fans agreed to tone it down when it came to slanderous fanfiction and fanart, and the members of AACA agreed to stop being so amazing looking so as not to provoke said fanfiction and fanart. In the end, neither side kept their promises, and RFC crimes continue to this day.
Jaken was discovered to be the real author of much of the fanfiction regarding Sesshoumaru.
Inuyasha was committed to a mental asylum. He escaped soon after, and is believe to be somewhere in the Kansai region of Japan. If seen, he should not be approached. Animals, especially dogs and cats with yellow fur or large tails, should be kept at a safe distance. The authorities should be contacted immediately following a sighting.
Shippou is now in something similar to the Witness Protection Program. He fervently denies ever touching, or wanting to touch Inuyasha “down there.”
The Maury Show continues to air daily, further provoking the apocalypse.
