READ THIS FIRST!
If you've never seen a daytime talk show, you probably won't find this very funny. It would be best if you've seen Maury (the only one I enjoy at all), but pretty much ANY talk show will do just fine.This is a pretty clean story, there are a few questionable moments (but don't worry, it's NOTHING explicit). But, you won't find anything here that you wouldn't see in a PG or maybe a PG-13 movie.
A single * indicates an action that is going on. for instance: *audience claps*
Oh, and just to help you visualize this better, here's what Maury looks like. Just in case you didn't know! ^_^
*the audience claps*
Maury: “Hello, and welcome to the show! Today’s topic is, “Disgruntled Employees Confront their Bosses!” I’m sure everyone has been in a work situation they were unhappy with, and dreamed of calling out their boss in front of all America to humiliate them, right? Sure! Today’s guests get to fulfill that dream! Are you jealous? You are, I know it. I can see it in your eyes, you pathetic little-”
*A voice comes over the speaker system. It’s the producer.*
Producer: "Maury, do you remember the talk we had about “unacceptable behavior” a few days ago?”
Maury: “I remember some of it. But I was drunk during the last half.”
Producer: “I thought the therapy helped you kick that drug problem…”
Maury: “Oh, it did. The DRUG problem. The alcohol problem is a whole other story. HeeHeeHeeHeeHee!!!”
Producer: “Maury…you’re not drunk right now, are you?”
Maury: “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.” *Maury directs a sly wink towards no one in particular.*
Producer: *sigh* “Let’s just get on with the show. And please, PLEASE be polite to the audience and the guests, ok?”
Maury: “Sure. Whatever. You’re such a drag! Chill out! *Maury gestures to the audience* “You know what I’m sayin’ homies?”
Audience: “…”
Maury: “Ok! Our first guest today is very displeased with how she’s being treated at work. She says her boss expects way too much of her, and never appreciates all the hard work she does! But, she’s afraid to quit her job, because she feels she’s unqualified to do any other line of work. Plus, there was something about her boss being able to kill her, blah, blah, blah…something like that. Let’s welcome Kagura everybody!”
*audience claps*
*Kagura walks out from backstage and sits in the chair next to Maury*
Maury: “Welcome to the show Kagura!”
Kagura: “Thanks for having me here, Maury.”
Maury: “No big! So, rap with me girlfriend! What’s the deal with your boss, yo?”
Kagura: “I, uh…Maury, you need to either speak using real words, or I’m going to need a translator.”
Maury: “Girl, that’s WHACK! While I be all chillin’ down in the ghetto, all me homies be-”
*producer's voice comes over the speakers*
Producer: “Ok, get the translator out here."
Translator: “Go ahead sir.”
Maury: “Ok, ok, so check it. CHECK-IT! Home-girl, your job is totally whack, am I right? I said am I riiiiiiiight?!”
Producer: “Kagura, don’t listen to Maury, listen to the man standing next to him. He’s here to help you understand what Maury’s babbling about.”
Kagura: “Oh…alright…
*The translator clears his throat and proceeds to translate what Maury just said*
Translator: “Here is the problem, as I understand it. Miss, am I correct in assuming your job is less than satisfactory concerning your treatment and working conditions? Is that an accurate assessment of your problem?”
*Kagura blinks in surprise for a moment, before slowly nodding her head up and down*
Maury: “YO! And girl, are you gettin’ enough $BLING$BLING$!? Here’s the deal dog! We all gonna…………wait…what was I saying?”
*The Producer’s loud sigh is heard over the speakers*
Producer: “Thank you Steven, great work as always.”
*Steven the translator nods once, and walks backstage*
Producer: “Maury, it happened again. You might want to explain it to our guest and the studio audience before you continue with the show.”
Maury: “Oops, sorry. I was in “Maury Hip-Hop Rapper Mode.” I slip into that sometimes. Anyway, we’re glad you could be here today! Why don’t you tell us what kind of work your job requires?”
Maury: “I see. That’s sounds like hard work.”
Kagura: “It is Maury, it really is. But…I never get any credit for any of it. My boss is so arrogant, that he always takes all the glory. Sure, they ARE his plans, but I’M the one carrying them out! He’d be NOTHING without me!”
Maury: “I see. That sounds tough. Does he employ anyone else?”
Kagura: “Yes. The only other full-time employee is a little girl named Kanna. Also, there are lot’s of part-timers, but they’re usually killed within a few days.”
Maury: “Is Kanna worked as hard as you are?”
Kagura: “No Maury! That’s just it! All Kanna has to do is stand around holding a mirror and acting mysterious! Meanwhile, I’m flying all over the freaking place on a freaking feather, fighting with the brats! I don’t even have insurance for that thing! What if I got into an accident? My pay certainly wouldn’t cover the damages…”
Maury: “That raises a good point, Kagura. How much are you paid?”
Kagura: “Basically, I’m paid with getting to live another day. He’s ALWAYS threatening to kill me. But he’d never do it. He knows he needs me. You know, I didn’t even get Christmas off! I was out delivering yet ANOTHER message to those kids about a false lead to my boss’s location. It’s humiliating! I show up so often, they aren’t even worried when they see me anymore! Meanwhile, he and that little suck-up Kanna were sipping hot chocolate and enjoying the holidays!”
Maury: “You didn’t even get Christmas off? That’s awful Kagura! Wouldn’t you like your boss to know how you feel?”
Kagura: “Well, yes…I suppose I-”
Maury: “Great! It just so happens he’s here today!”
Kagura: “WHAT!?”
Maury: “Yep! He’s backstage right now!”
Kagura: “But…but he hasn’t been able to hear what I’ve been saying, right? I mean, you’ve got him in some soundproof room or something, right? Right?”
*Kagura’s mouth is hanging open. Little gasping sounds are coming out.*
Maury: “I can see you’re speechless with excitement! Let’s bring out your boss, Naraku!”
*Naraku walks out from backstage. He’s dressed in his white baboon pelt.”
*Screams are heard from the audience*
Audience Member: “Ahh! A huge monkey! It’ll kill us all!!!”
Maury: “Get that tranquilizer gun in here! I am going to have a serious talk with our security department! First they let that gang of hobos in the studio, and now this!”
Kagura: “No, no! THIS is my boss.”
Maury: “What? But…I was under the impression that your boss…uh…wasn’t a huge monkey…”
Kagura: “He’s not. That’s a baboon pelt. He has some kind of weird obsession with it. Because you know, baboons are just so intimidating. Ha! You’d think he’d have picked a lion pelt or something, but no, he-”
Maury: “OOOOOOOooooohhhhhh…..I see. Ok! Forget the tranquilizer!”
Tranquilizer Guy: “Uh, boss…it’s too late. We already pumped him with enough tranquilizer to put an elephant out for a week.”
Maury: “What!?”
Tranquilizer Guy: “My bad!”
*A few security guys come out on stage. They take Naraku under the arms and prop him up in a chair next to Kagura. One of them removes his mask.*
Maury: “So, this is you boss? I thought your boss was a man…”
Kagura: “He is.”
Maury: “But…just look at all that long, luxurious, hair. So much body and shine…it’s almost…hypnotic…like a lava lamp…”
Kagura: “……”
Maury: “OH! Yes…well…I’m fine. SO! Why don’t you tell your boss, Naraku, about your concerns, ok?”
Kagura: “But…he’s…I mean, he’s mostly unconscious right now…”
Maury: “Right! So, you get to tell him what you think of him, and he doesn’t kill you because he can’t even hear you! It all works out for the best!”
Naraku: “Shpaga laaaaaaa Inuyasha gabaga Shplaaaaaa…………eeeeeeehhhhhhh!”
*A bit of drool hangs at the corner of Naraku’s mouth.*
Kagura: “Yuck…This is…too weird…”
Maury: “No, this kind of thing happens all the time.”
Kagura: “…”
Maury: “What’s wrong? You look disgusted, frightened, and doorknob all at the same time.”
Kagura: “No, I just…Did you just say something about a doorknob?”
Maury: “I don’t remember. Maybe 50 bucks will refresh my memory a little.”
*Maury winks several times*
Kagura: “Right…well…thanks for, uh…having me. Imgonnagonow, bye!”
*Kagura pulls her flying feather from her hair and breaks through the studio’s ceiling to escape Maury*
*Some of the audience gets hit by debris*
Audience Member: “Yes! A semi-legitimate reason to sue Maury! I’M RICH!!”
Maury: “I think this is a good time to go to commercial. Don’t go anywhere, we’ll be right back! Seriously, I’ll KNOW if you go anywhere. I DO have a sniper stationed outside of your window, and I WILL have you shot if you even REACH for the remo-”
***COMMERCIAL***
*Jaken waddles out on stage clutching his staff, followed closely by a slightly nervous looking Rin*
Maury: “Welcome to the show! Have a seat right here!”
*Maury pats his lap*
*Rin and Jaken exchange worried glances and take a seat…in chairs*
*Maury looks slightly hurt*
*A completely blank looks crosses Maury’s face*
*The blank look is replaced by a smile. He’s fine now! He just got “sudden and brief Maury amnesia” and forgot why he felt hurt*
Maury: “Welcome to the show! Why don’t you tell us what kind of job you do?”
Jaken: “Mostly we just walk around the countryside, following our boss. Sometimes we sit and wait for our boss to come back from one of his, “I‘ve-suddenly-dissappeared-but-didn’t-tell-you-where-I-was-going-so-just-sit-and-wait-for-me” journeys. That’s… pretty much all.”
Maury: “So…you’re saying your boss doesn’t appreciate all the hard work you do… sitting around all the time?”
Jaken: “Well, it’s not as easy as you might think it is! First, someone’s ALWAYS trying to kidnap Rin. And, when she’s not busy being kidnapped, she’s always like, *Jaken does his best to mock Rin’s voice* “Jaken-sama!! Eat with me! Play with me! Pay attention to me! Jaken-sama!!”
Rin: “I do not…I am NOT that annoying!”
Jaken: “Oh, how would you know anyway? YOU don’t have to spent time with YOU.”
Maury: “I see. Well, that does sound… difficult. What are your salaries?”
Rin: “We don’t get paid. We follow Sesshoumaru-sama around because we love him! But…it would still be nice to get a little recognition for our loyalty and devotion from time to time…”
Maury: “Does he show any sign of appreciating you? Or, even acknowledging your existence?”
Rin: “Oh, yes! You know, one time, a few months ago, I thought I saw him glance at me! Although… he might have been looking at something over my shoulder…”
Rin: “He does not!”
Jaken: “Does too!”
Rin: “Does not!”
Maury: “Are you two going to stop this, or do I have to get the tranquilizer guys back in here?”
Rin: “…”
Jaken: “…”
Maury: “Good! So, are you two ready to confront your boss?”
Rin: “Ok…I guess so…”
Jaken: “I’m ready.”
Maury: “Ok then! Lets bring him out! Sesshoumaru everybody!
*audience claps*
*Sesshoumaru walks out on stage*
*Maury gets up to greet him, but stops dead upon noticing Sesshoumaru’s “I’m-going-to-kill-you” face*
*Maury goes back to his own chair, and gestures to a chair near Jaken*
Maury: “Please, have a seat, sir. May I shine your shoes?”
Sesshoumaru: “…”
Rin: “…”
Jaken: “…”
Audience: “…”
*voice of producer comes over the speakers*
Producer: “Maury, please focus on the subject at hand. Please.”
Maury: “Right! Nooooo problem! So, Sesshoumaru, do you know why you’re here?”
Sesshoumaru: “I was told someone had something they needed to tell me.”
Maury: “That’s right. Rin and Jaken here have something they want you to know.”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh…God…Rin, did this thing get you pregnant?!”
*Sesshoumaru points to Jaken accusingly*
*Rin’s whole face goes red*
Rin: “N-no!”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh… Well, Jaken, did RIN get YOU pregnant, then?”
Jaken: “No! No one’s pregnant!”
Sesshoumaru: “Oh. Well, usually, on this show, when someone has “something” they want to tell someone else, it usually has to do with pregnancy. You have no idea how relieved I am!”
Rin: “No, Sesshoumaru-sama. Jaken-sama and I just wanted to tell you that…well, we both care about you very much, and-”
Sesshoumaru: “No, I am NOT interested in a threesome with you two! You perverted, sick little girl!”
Rin: “SESSHOUMARU-SAMA! Please, let me talk for a second! Sorry for yelling, but… I was going to say, that we both care about you, and we follow you because we want to, but we…well…it would still be nice for you to say “thank you” once in a while, you know…”
Jaken: “Well…uh, yes, Sesshoumaru-sama. I’m sorry…I don’t mean to seem ungrateful to you. I mean, you have put up with someone as unworthy as me for so long, I feel bad for complaining about this…”
Sesshoumaru: “I see. Well, if that’s how you both feel then, I guess I’ll…… fire you. Bye.”
*Sesshoumaru gets up to leave*
Rin: “What?!”
Jaken: “Wait! WAIT! Sesshoumaru-sama!!! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll continue to follow you even with no thanks at all!”
Rin: “Me too! Sesshoumaru-sama! Wait for us!”
Sesshoumaru: “That’s more like it. Jaken, warm up the car. Rin, I want those windows spotless when I get outside. I’ll be there in a few minutes, but first, I’m going to go steal some snacks from the guest waiting room. They had the most delicious gourmet crackers in there…”
*Sesshoumaru walks off-stage, presumably to steal crackers*
Rin: “Jaken-sama, do we have a car?”
Jaken: “No…I think by “warm up the car” he meant, “go wait outside for me.” And by, “I want those windows spotless” I think he meant he wanted you to run out into traffic and get yourself killed.”
*Rin places her hands on her hips and glares at Jaken*
Jaken: “Sigh…never mind. Lets just go get some crackers.”
*Rin and Jaken head backstage*
Audience: “…”
Maury: “Wait……that…must…mean…OH GOD! I’m in a parallel universe! NOOO!”
Audience: “…”
*producer’s voice is heard over the speakers*
Producer: “Maury…we’ve been over and over this. Every time something unexpected happens, it DOES NOT mean you are in a parallel universe.”
Maury: “Yes it does!”
Producer: “No, no it doesn’t. Remember a few days ago when a light bulb in your office burned out, and you ran through the halls screaming about a parallel universe devoid of light, where demons poked you with sticks?”
Maury: “Yes…”
Producer: “Were you right? Was it a parallel universe?”
*Maury looks at the floor and shuffles his feet*
Maury: “No…”
Maury: “...kay…know it all… I’d like to thank all of our guests for coming today. And I hope they all learned a valuable lesson: Never, ever stand up to your boss, because only bad things can come of it. Also, a little tranquilizer goes a long way, so use it sparingly. Please join us next time when our topic will be: “Maury! Please give me a glass eye makeover! People keep mistaking me for a pirate due to my hideous eye patch!” A charming women by the name of Muffin…I mean Kaede, will be joining us as our guest. Goodbye everybody!
*audience claps*
*Maury’s “end of the show music” plays*
