Things Not To Say During Childbirth....

Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!

Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

Stop your swearing and just breathe.

Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.

Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.

You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.

Doctor

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

MOUNTAIN TECH TALK

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

COLOR TV

Sardarji is buying a TV.
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."

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