SNOW VIRGINS

Summary:    Post 'Becoming'--AU--Way up North.  Buffy and Spike find mutual grief the strange peacemaker as they stem self destruction and the downward spiral spun from the disaster of Acathla.  Story concludes twenty years later.

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Was she mad?  Was Peaches right?  Had she lost her mind?  He couldn't get away from her fast enough-had to think.

It was just dusk so he went out onto the porch and then that wasn't far enough and so it was down to the beach-he was feeling, feeling…but couldn't think…had to connect his feelings to something that made sense. Anger this deep meant something…something was missing from her words, from this picture.  He had to connect what he felt…to his mind.

He needed the water, the hard crashing waves-he always thrived on the soundtrack in the story to guide what he was feeling to where he should be going-and the sound the music of the crashing waves-both rhythm and chaos..

Anger.  Oh my…he was still angry…deep, deep down.  For choosing Angel, for walking away from what they had, no amend that, have together…it was still all there, even now and more…   

"Can you let go of being proud of your pain?"

She had followed him--had made it out flying high on holy water to ask him that.

"Isn't that what you asked me…or something like it-now you know why I got so pissed. It hurts doesn't it?"  Trying to talk over the waves made it sound like she was shouting at him. 

"When being all victimy has been just about the best role you ever played in your life?  How in the world do you walk away from the roaring of that crowd loving you in your best part?  Can't you forget your pride and bounce back…just once more to be with me?"  
 
His silent back as he stared at the dunes.

He walked away from the water and up the dunes a bit-she trailed slowly, struggling a little through the sand.

"An' is this the only way for us to be together?  The only way you want me?"

He called it back to her.
She didn't respond until she was up close and her breathing had calmed a bit.

"Well in answer to the first part of your question.  Maybe.  I've had some time to think about it and for some reason as much as I love you, my life on Earth seemed to be tied mostly to Angel.  Which I know you think was crazy, and I can see it now cuz it was all about 'arms length and pedestal rose colored eyeglasses love-but maybe it was that way, so I could focus on being the Slayer.  I was The Slayer at a very tough time in the world-and maybe I needed love, but not the distraction that would come with it.  Sex. Kids, marriage.  When sex comes into it-well that's a whole other basket of kittens isn't it?  Takes up a lot of time and attention so-let's face it, when I was with you-in that way-it was all about you.  I mean, I was obsessed with you-couldn't have enough of being with you-and…I don't know."

Here, she stopped, looked around at the world THE WORLD. And then refocused continued.
 
"If I was running things…if it was my campaign…and I saw one of my warriors loosing focus maybe…I'd split it up.  Take away the distraction.  It feels sometimes now that that is what life did to me.  That this strange tie, karma or whatever to Angel was seeded.  To keep me alone.  And same goes for him, I think.  Which made it feel all destined.  But my feelings for you are all my own…no one makes me feel it-not destiny--it belongs to me…but it made at the same time, it made me feel…back then…off-track…like I didn't, shouldn't be happy…at least not here on Earth.  So maybe…maybe earth was for Angel but…I can't even imagine heaven without you."

There was a pause and then he started talking while his back was still turned.

"This has all been happening so fast and me head, in me head I have a millions and two questions and I don't know why I love you so much.  I don't know if it is a weakness or strength but I do know that every road of me life has led up to you and I admit I'm still not…well… every footstep I take is toward you and even if you were to leave and me stay, I wouldn't be long for this world.  Not saying I'd do a daylight walk but something would happen--be a little too slow, a little too distracted, walk into a fray and not be all there because the inside of me mind wouldn't be right.  So every step I take is toward you and wherever you go and I admit it, you have me even from the other side of the planet and you know it-so you got me by the short hairs well enough.  BUT.  But if you think I'm gonna let you die earlier than you should because you're just too tired to live or maybe so's I can get a ticket to heaven then you just don't know me at all do you?  Pack up.  I'm taking you back."

"No.  No you're not."

He turned to her, his face twisted in pain. Savage.

"Oh…oh…and who's gonna stop me…Twiggy?"

"You.  You wouldn't make me go against my will, I know you wouldn't."

They stared at each other.  The old game of back off, back up. Who wins?

Spike did not back down.  For once he did not back down.  Buffy a little stunned a little hurt said.

"Look at me Spike.  I'm barely here.  I keep seeing Mom and Tara and I think I saw Kendra once…it's right there…I can feel it…and it's doesn't feel…wrong…"

"Well sure it doesn't feel wrong…they wanna have you too.  We got us an official little tug of war going on here…"

"But come with me…"

"WAIT."   Spike paused he wouldn't back down but he to try find a new tack-his instinct was screaming at him and he couldn't hear all the clues quite clearly yet. 

"Sorry Buffy…just wait a minute?   O.K.?  You gotta trust me too and al'.  Something about this feels…not wrong exactly but…underexplored."

"Look at me Spike…I'm all shiny and almost all seethroughy.  I can feel it inside too.  I'm going Spike with or without you.  My dreams just showed me a way for you to get into heaven…and be with me…it was all good…it felt…like a reward.              
I'm done, my obligations are done, it's only natural…it felt like good news and yeah, now I'd rather be in heaven with you than on earth with him."

Oh god…oh god…

Spikes' head snapped around.  Something was starting to click, click, click…

Very softly he asked:  "Why?  I mean why not take Angel?  All these years trying to be together an all? Why not him?"

"Well…he's gonna Shanshu any day now."

And then suddenly:

They both laughed, breaking the tension a bit but Buffy continued:

"No really, I'll bet you anything, things will free up for him the next minute after I'm gone-and he really wants it…"

 Spike still smiling shook his head.

Very cat that ate the canary ('I think I've got it by George I think…')

"Nah…try again…luv…"

She stopped, puzzled and then considered what was true that she hadn't said yet….that would convince him.

"Well he was my childhood dream.  As I grew up I clung to the love, it was familiar and fated which made it easy and then and with everything going on in my life who needs hard?  And then later I clung to the love, and then it was the memory of the love and now maybe there isn't room enough for me here on Earth to get what I what.  To grow in the way I want."

"Pet…so you need to run into the nearest heavenly dimension…to what?  To get away from Angel?"

 "No…well…I'm done here…"

"You're only done here because you feel done here-had that carrot dangled so long in front of your face it's dulled your ability to imagine anything other than that old dream.  You said it yourself, I think…it is impossible, there has never been a proper solution for either of you and maybe you're right about it being there, imprinted by fate to keep you on target-I think I actually buy that, but pet-you said it yourself.  You're done now."

"Yes, I absolutely feel done--"

"-then retire."

Stunned silence.

"You don't need to die to retire…" here he chuckled "I mean you may feel the need to die to get away from the claim Angel has on you-but maybe…maybe you should just face it down-cut it off…that arrangement was for wartime, I get it, but even you feel it's done now.  Just because you've grown out of that obligation doesn't make you wrong.  Be brave and buck up!"

She sharpened her attention.

"What did you say?"

"When?  It's all extempore wit, don't do rewind, pet-you gotta keep up with me to catch it all.  Thas' it. 
Thas' it, pet:  Keep up with me."  His grew increasingly excited.  "Come match pace with me.  You wanna be with me, come be with me.  The world just seems old to you cuz you've been stuck in this rabbit run for thirty years.  On that poisonous bleeding hellhole.  It'd tar and feather anybody…senseless…"

His voice trailed away as he felt a picture start to pull together.

"Dru."

"What?  What about her?"  Buffy's tone was gentle.

Spike looked at Buffy.  He crossed to her and then studied her carefully. Lifted her arm and felt the weight and heft of her.  Touched her chin with the tips of his fingers.  His eyes began to tear slightly as a hope light struggled to ignite.

"Buffy…I think I may know what's wrong with you…"

Buffy shook her head, puzzled.

:"No, you don't get it Spike I don't feel wrong…just old…"

He waved her off with a pish posh gesture.

"Yes, yes…Some of that just means you need a new habitat.  Bored to death."  And the suddenly:  "Buffy.  Buffy! You need a new HABITAT."

"Huh…"

"Buffy you look like Dru-that's what's been working inside me head-you look like she did before I brought her to the Hellmouth to get freshened up like."

Buffy looked at him big hazel eyes wide.

"Maybe you're right an it's an aging thing and that's part of it, and maybe Peaches was part right on his instinct that there was a solution, but he was looking in the wrong place…not medical, not magic, not a spell…it's the HELLMOUTH…
Buffy…I feel it as sure as anything.  Even when I just said that, I felt…like this shiver up me neck. I think I'm right.  Luv…a creature of light and love such as yourself sitting on the Hellmouth for thirty odd years…uh Yeah.  Of course that's gonna wear you out."

He jumped excited now.

"Thas it Buffy, I know, it's like what with Dru but in REVERSE.  We GOTTA get you off the Hellmouth…Bloody hell I'm taking you out of California out of the country.  Come to Europe with me Buffy!  You want heaven-I'll show you heaven!  You'll have new things to see to stimulate your fuckin' amazing mind and you have not lived, you cannot die--until you've heard Illyana Alaya sing Madame Butterfly…"

"Spike…"  Buffy's eyes were tearing up her throat constricting at his enthusiasm.  "Spike…"

"NO.  No…just listen some more…"  He stopped turned to her now sly…"They got Holy water over there Buff…"

He watched her eyes light up.

"Yeah thas' right…"  Smiling at the hook, he would get her there by dangling her drug of choice.  "They got Holy water that'll burn your warts off-so to speak.  In a word:  'Lourdes'.  Yeah thas' right.  The Mother lode and all for my girl…"

Buffy had to smile, god, he was just so damn hopeful, so…cute…

 "Buffy, your instincts were leading you in the right direction-what with finding Holy water-and I bet you've been snacking on holy wafers too…and if not-thas' a thought.  So you felt somewhere there was a solution and you found it, but were just too punch drunk by life falling flat all the time that you couldn't lean enough to the left to see--."

--"The Slayer called for you.  That night, it was in my dream and she just pushed all my arguments aside and called for you so loud-"

"--It knocked me off my chair…Sweet one, the Slayer is about survival…"

He let it sink in.

Bit by bit his words swam and swayed and were quietly dislodging every firm decision and…and…then…hope…oh god…dare she hope?

He had been watched her face carefully and the relief that flooded his being knocked the wind out of him he had to sit.  She did want to live-just needed a way, a way for her life to be better.   He had to sit-what was she doing still standing?-he patted the sand pile next to him, and held her arm as she sat next to him.

But.

Not out of the woods yet.  Not by a long shot.

"Buffy.  There's something else. I wanna go to heaven. Heard all the news bulletins, and I confess I'm dead curious, I want the ride-been to Hell, wouldn't recommend it-so don't get me wrong.  I would want to go and with you…well enough said.  But.   But.  I'd like to try to get there on me own steam.  My soul's coming back luv…it is…in little bits and pieces like.  Like maybe somebody is having mercy on me and tossing in a chink at a time like it all might be too much all at once.  'An' I want it all back-it hurts like hell, sometimes but thas' another story.  But I feel more solid.  I feel more like a man. An' now I want it all.  Now heaven sounds right nice, all floaty and such but there's gotta be a reason people, demons too, why we come here, that is to Earth, in the first place luv.  I think it's to feel.   That is, I mean to touch.  You mean to tell me you had you fill of being touched? 

Now if at the end of our very long lives when you've had your proper fill of the world's fruit an you're ready to go and I still can't make it on me own steam, than yeah-I'll take you up on that offer right quick.  Hell…I can be persuasive…I think I can talk myself in…What aya think?" 
 
Persuasive indeed.  He could talk a fungus demon away from his…fungi. 

(Lourdes…hmmm holy water…hmmm…)

"It sounds…"  Her voice broke a little-god she had been so strong during this whole descent…what if…what if…which only goes to prove that only when there's hope-the heart breaks.

"I don't know if I can stand to be disappointed again-"

"-you won't be.  You set the standard yourself.  Even if it doesn't work, which I highly doubt, as the Slayer and I have your best interests at heart even if it doesn't, just hang in there and we will have such fun together you and me.  How 'bout that?  Some fun?"

"Just one thing."  She looked up at him eyes big-this was the pay dirt he leaned in so they're knees were touching.

She went on.
  
"I feel so close to the end, Spike…I feel like I'm just hanging on now…like…like I won't last the night.  I've even called Giles…to come…"  She put her head down…

He leaned in close and put the side of his head next to hers. 

"Let me be your strength.  You just need something to tie you to the world.  Ground you like…you're all effervescent and almost out of here…hook into me-you remember how--you're just floatin' away cuz nothing in the earth was holding you,  pleasing to you, let me pleasure you Buffy…remember how we used to feel after we fucked?  Charged up and ready to take on the world, not drained or ready to fall off to sleep.  Thas' cuz we did it right…You did it so right…"

She spoke, voice very serious.

"That has got to be the 'climb Mt. Everest plant a flag and safely climb down the other side' best pitch ever to get into a girls pants."

He said nothing but smiled one of those smiles and she looked into his eyes and watched his eyes go deep, and dark and lusty…oh uh…oh god…  
   
"I'm a bit outa practice…"

"Me too…"

"You too as in you hanging around all the divas and 'actresses,' too?"

"Oooo kitty cat…"

He took her hand, gently eased her back onto the sand and leaned in to kiss her neck and that…Oh! Oh! Oh! --place behind her ear…

He pulled back to look into her dilated eyes…serious now he said simply…

"There hasn't been anyone for me since you Buffy…not anyone…"

  She stared.

"Why do you think I was so desperate for you to come with me nineteen years ago-kinda selfish on my part-I knew there would be no one else for me-I've known it since…"

"Kalispell…"

"If that's the crazy snow place-yeah…thas' it…"

She kissed him.

"We'll go slow…" she advised shakily…

"Nice and slow, so gentle like you won't even know I'm…well…thas' not true…You'll definitely know I'm there right inside you where I should be…"

 She sighed.

"Seriously pet, am I pushing this the wrong way?  You up to it?"

"I'm not the one who has to worry about being 'up.'  I can just lie here and have you do all the work."

Unexpected he didn't even know himself it was coming-he threw back his head and roared his joy to the world.

"ooo now I'm scared…"

They both laughed until tears leaked; little water making its escape from the crazy laughing things.

"Here now," he said wiping her tears… "Can't be loosing this-we'll have to plug you with more holy water…"

He stopped as he felt the water tingle on his fingers-he rubbed his fingers together experimentally feeling and waiting to see if there would be an after burn or pain or some such.

Buffy watching him from her position spread out on the sand--saw what he was doing and put 2 and 2 to 10.

"Spike!   Does it hurt?  You can't touch me-I might be like an…an acid bath or something to you…"

He looked at her in wonder.

"Nah…nah…doesn't hurt…like…tingles something fierce…" he climbed on top of her and looked at her with a new kind of avarice-

"No…no…no…you don't…wait a minute Spike…"

"You kidding?  It'll be like…being inside a vibrating bed or something, complete with sauna-"

"Emily Dickinson you're not…"

"No…definitely not a girl…" he said suggestively, freeing himself and wriggling between her legs until she giggled, he hiked up her dress but stayed outside her-pushed himself between her legs, he lay his hardness gently on the fleshy part of her thighs so she could enjoy the feel of him between her legs-the way he knew she liked-so she could enjoy the feel of his cock resting  just so against her leg and then immediately on automatic, she slammed her legs shut either to enjoy the feel of him or to keep him out of her…didn't matter to him.  The intense pleasure of flesh on flesh after 19 years was enough…it was enough…now if she would only touch him….

"Spike…" she breathed, taking her last stand before surrendering to her own need for him that had laid dormant for so many years and now had no trouble whatsoever roaring to the surface to strip away her sanity:  "The holy water-don't know what'll do--don't wanna hurt you…" 

That was only going to be true for a couple seconds more and then she wouldn't care if she hurt him or not the Slayer was screaming to be touched…

He gasped out.  "Not…possible…"

She shuddered and suddenly wrapped her arms around him opening her legs and arching up to grab him and suck him in before he could-

--He thrust solid and fast into the hot core of her and then fell gasping on her neck (…oh god…complete…complete…) whispering even while he felt compelled to move-

"So sorry Buffy meant to be gentle---'

"Shh…shhh…need this…love you…love you…ah…ah...fuck…fuck…"  She panted…she ground out, almost commanded in a guttural voice he had almost forgotten.

"Slayer!"  He challenged.

In response her fingers dug into his shoulders with such fierce intensity he responded on automatic and changed his rhythm to catch her by surprise--he stroked her hard and slow, pushing into her deep, deeper to find where the Slayer lay waiting for him…

She growled and held him, her vaginal muscles, gripped him tight, gripped HE the intruder, gripped HE her love, gripped and held on until they both were growling and yowling, spitting, loving and writhing in the sand… 

Welded together and not being able to move, glued together in yin and yan they came.  They crashed.  They blundered into bliss into unconsciousness with shared orgasm and mixing identities.

Malefemalevampireslayerhatelovebadgoodhelland…heaven opened before them.

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