SNOW VIRGINS

Summary:    Post 'Becoming'--AU--Way up North.  Buffy and Spike find mutual grief the strange peacemaker as they stem self destruction and the downward spiral spun from the disaster of Acathla.  Story concludes twenty years later.

*

She had chosen the dunes because well, because they had struck a chord with her when she had first seen these particular bluffs off the coast.  These particular white swells of sand.  She hadn't made the connection at first, of course it took a couple of dreams of Spike walking across a glacier to realize, ah!  These dunes look like glaciers, and glaciers meant snow and snow of course was Spike.

She had tried painting them, she had nothing at all close to her sister's talent but she was competent and painted for fun, for therapy and to revisit what Spike meant to her incognito, in a sensual language she could hide behind.  She always smiled when Angel admired her paintings, really genuinely liked them.  She would smile and congratulate herself for bringing the two disparate vampires to a peaceful meeting place.  Well…kinda…
 
It was almost midnight when they arrived.  She could imagine the siren had gone off long before and was a little sad not to be behind to watch Giles do damage control.  He would be in his element.  All stiff and so Brit as if the very fact of being British and speaking English made what he said in that language to be oh so paramount in the situation at hand.  She was smiling.

Spike always attuned felt her mood shift.

"What is it?"

"Giles.  British.  All knowing and upper crusty and just baby crab meat underneath.  British. Humph!"

"Hey! Watch it."

"Oh yeah…but sooo, so bad and tough.  Little island that dominated the world for what?  Three centuries?  Tiny little island with this big compensation complex-"

"HEY!  Hey!  WATCH IT!" 

"Oh no…not you…I mean you…you're all BIG and everything…"

"Is this?  Are you flirting with me?  Is this what passes for repartee in the colonies?"

They were bantering again.  It was good. He was relaxing a little letting himself enjoy himself-he may never forgive her for this but by gum she was gonna give him a good time.  They would have fun.  Even if it killed her.  Well, gee, now that's a phrase that doesn't work prosaic magic anymore.  Shoot.  She'd have to watch stuff like that. 
Instead she went on:

"Oh yeah crude and rude and you love it-you. YOU are an American-completely--don't know how you can stand to live in Europe-"She cut off   "Sorry…"

"Nothing to be sorry about pet."

"There isn't…but there is…for the stuff that is…I am so sorry…"

He considered.

"I know you are.  So am I.  But you were true to yourself-so who could you really apologize to or for?"

She thought about it and then noticed. :   "You'll wanna take a left at the light.  We're almost there."

He choked.

Oh god.  He couldn't do it…just couldn't.  He realized it all at once.  As long as they were traveling or floating or flying it wasn't 'there' it wasn't real. 

His hands started to tremble, he started crying just suddenly all at once, tears streaming-

"Oh bugger now I can't see…" he was wiping his eyes.  She handed him a tissue with a single command.

"Wipe."

He refused her tissue and wiped his tears with the back of his hand.

"What?  Real Vampires don't use Kleenex?"

"Hell no-all dainty and dangerously close to prancing in green shoes with a kerchief in the garden among the poises-"

She laughed.  He laughed--and cried and drove.

       *

She had tried to figure out a way to bring it up.  She would rehearse scenarios in her mind but they always seemed to end badly.  She thought they might have at least a week together so she could work around and up to it but in the end it was the clock ticking that made her speak, the clock and the hounds on her trail.  She knew Giles put a protection spell around them to cloak their whereabouts-Giles was good, very good and had connections to a powerful coven but Willow was better. 

They had had two days. She could feel the doorway opening-the lightness in her body coupled with this feeling of almost being transparent, of being able to walk in different dimensions at the same time.  She had seen her Mom twice.  And Tara once or maybe once and she could have sworn she said…'you're doing the right thing, buck up…be brave'…"

Which was kinda of odd words for her…but…good to know… 

And to be fair to Spike, she needed to give him time to decide.  He had to know what he was agreeing to.

Enough mental banter.  Doesn't get the job done.  It was him, of course that brought it up.

"Something on your mind lamb?"

:"How's the bunny count?" 
 
He started and then laughed remembering.

"Down…way down…but you know that luv…you've had your spies on me an al"

She was indignant.

"I have not-"

He leaned forward to look at her.  He looked at her, raising his scarred brow.

"Maybe.  Little bitty peep holes."

He harrumphed.

"You're supposed to be flattered.  Me wanting to know all about the doings of the sexy…" and here she spoke deliberately
 …ex (?)…big bad…" She made it sound like a question.

What was she on about?   
 
"You need somethink?  More tea?  Some soup? "

He was sitting behind her. Holding her as he been these past two days, they were never out side an arms length from each other.

"Do you miss it?"

He didn't pretend not to know what she was asking.

He considered.

"Not like you probably are used to using the word.  The draw is there, the feeling, that feeling of the smile behind hurting someone-I feel the pull-it's always pretty strong, of how easy it is and strangely satisfying in a bloody raw way-just letting go--and it's there, but like something I've left behind.   There.  But just don't want to anymore.  Doesn't mean the pull is gone though. Or that I don't slip in lots, and lots of small ways."

"Would you like it to be gone?  That pull?"

He said nothing and she turned in his arms to look at him.  She stroked the side of his sweet, sweet face sweet but hard could be so hard, so mean…oh yes she remembered all the things he had been, but what did he want now?

"I've been reading up on it and some people, some criminals get so used to that pull…they don't want to live without it.  Anger is a source of…power I guess…"

"I'm still not following luv."

She was feeling faint; lightheaded…she touched her hand to her forehead. 

"Come with me Spike…"

He stared at her…well

"Where do you want to go?"

"Come with me when I go…"

Penny dropped. 

She turned and pulled away from him far enough to look to him so he could see her face.  To sense what she couldn't say.  She was no real great talker, not really.

"I've had a dream, well a couple and I know how it should be done…"

"Now you know it's always boring as hell to tell somebody your dream pet-"

"Well drink some coffee and listen up.  Here's the deal.  You…you're a demon Spike…and you're changing too but not fast enough to keep you out of hell, probably-but if you come with me when I go, if you become a part of me-well lets' just say, I have connections and I can get you into heaven through a back door, but only if you come with me when I go…"

He was just staring at her like she had grown a second head.

"I want you to…I want to be in heaven with you….will you…"

His face was so hard.

"…will you…think about it?"  Her voice got very small and shaky as she looked into his eyes that had suddenly turned so cold

He got up and walked away without a word.

*