SNOW VIRGINS

Summary:    Post 'Becoming'--AU--Way up North.  Buffy and Spike find mutual grief the strange peacemaker as they stem self destruction and the downward spiral spun from the disaster of Acathla.  Story concludes twenty years later.

*

He was older now of course, of course that was it, Spike told himself but he would be then wouldn't he?  Over 65 by now, but still he looked much older than the last Spike had seen him in London only three years ago.  Sometimes Spike the Obscure dealt with the New Council.  Times were, their interests were mutual and they would work in tandem.  That business about an Elfin Soul singer and Giles had been quite helpful and almost forthcoming.  It was only back here, back in Sunnyhell when he turned cool to cold so he was surprised, quite surprised and a little scared by the Watches next words:

"I glad you've come…come in, come in…"

Spike's stomach did a little roll-what the bloody hell was going on?

He followed the Watcher through to the Kitchen where he had been making a cup of tea. Without a word, Giles indicated a cup and Spike nodded.  Giles prepared their tea in silence. Pushed one cup toward Spike, sat down on a high chair at the breakfast bar and indicated Spike should sit on the other side.

Giles began without preamble.

"It's not that I don't like you Spike…I don't understand you-and not that I don't like what I don't understand, we both know that the contrary is true for me. I don't understand you with…Buffy." He said her name with a little difficulty.

Spike shifted his weight as if in preparation for a defensive action.

"But…she said you were coming…and here you are…and I must…I must… (He's saying this as if he's trying to convince himself…what the bloody hell…)

"Where's Buffy?" Spike spoke, surprised at how even his voice sounded.

  Giles continued as if he hadn't asked.

"I must…respect…I must…I don't think she's…out of her mind…the way Ang--" Here he stopped himself, "The way the others do…"

What was he saying?  Buffy bonkers?

"Rupert."   Spike spoke almost tenderly.  Giles looked up and looked at him really for the first time.

"Ah.  Spike."

"Yeah it's me an all. Rupert, take me to Buffy."

       *

She had done her hair the very day after her call to Spike.  Got it done before they brought her here.  She picked a soft ginger brown that most closely resembled the color of her child hood photos. That brown but with a hint of gold highlights.  Couldn't let it all go all at once could she?

Dawn had pretended to like it and Angel had drawn his brows together as if he were considering a puzzle.  She supposed he would write it off to more 'craziness.'  She loved Angel, she well and truly did.  But it was Spike she needed now.  If he would have her.

She was not being capricious.  She could see now that she had been in a long process of shifting, leaning toward this change and through habit and more than a little fear had found ways to hold it at bay.

But she had had several slayer dreams since the phone call one, as she referred to it.  And she knew now why she had called him.  Somehow the slayer dreams had given him the stamp of approval she had been waiting for from her secret self. 

But he had a life now.   Was it right to ask?  Is this something that he would truly want for he, himself and not just to please her?  Well, he was a big boy and they had been through a lot together and if he couldn't make up his own mind, who could?

She studied herself in the mirror.  "Oh for goodness sake…"  She chided herself and put the mirror down.  You could look like a scarecrow in a big blue checked fashion disaster of a dress and would barely notice.  He loved her soul, he thought she was beautiful and wanted to be like her when he grew up.  He had told her that…once…   

She admitted to herself that she needed his love now and his strength…and she also needed his rebellious nature. But she had something for him too…if he would but accept.

She hoped Giles remembered to bring her energy drink with him when he came, Spike should be here any day now, he better come soon, very soon, especially while Willow was in L.A. on the mission.  She had made them go-told them all, they were in fact driving her crazy for real if they didn't give her some space.  But she knew, she knew--intuition and dreams and overheard conversations that papers were being signed even now her rights were being taken away.  Diminished capacity..Pffft!  I'd like to diminish their capacity.  So she had convinced Angel to go, go find the specialist-

--Her thoughts were interrupted by Spike standing in the doorway of her hospital room.

He stood there ramrod straight.  He regarded her there on the hospital bed, stood stiff with shock, fear and maybe more that a little anger.

Good.  Good.  Count on Spike to always go for the gold.  She needed a fight.  Wanted one.  But the right kind.
She was going to fight for him.

She studied him, tears filling her eyes, she couldn't help it-he was so beautiful.  The same but…he looked different too…older maybe, wiser for sure and steady on his feet but he also, well …he…seemed brighter or something up close…can you grow a soul?  Or maybe there was enough light in him now, so it seemed like a soul.  He was so beautiful.  He had always been so to her.  But it was different now.  Duster had been long gone from his wardrobe, but he still held to black and dark blues and….and once he had stopped her heart in purple…Spike.

Her tears made him move.  Water was always such a strong force in nature.  A four inch stream with a strong current could knock a man down for Spike all it took was three tears.  Three wee Buffy tears.

"Ah luv…luv…"  His voice was muffled against her throat as he held her tight in his arms, she wrapped her thins arms around his waist and sighed.

"Ah luv…I'm so…" his voice broke "I'm so mad at you…I'm so angry…" he almost sobbed   "I could spit."

 "Well…not on me…ruin my fancy dress gown…"  She sobbed chuckled.

Her Spike she was holding her Spike.  Ah god…it felt good.  And he still loved her…she could feel it like a warm current moving through his flesh to greet hers.  Maybe it would work.  Maybe there was harmony and meaning in this miserable world after all.  She smiled against his throat and moved her hand to his chest.

"Spike…"

"Buffy…"

She kissed his neck, the side of his face and peppered him with kisses until he seized her face with both hands to stop her and it was that kiss the Desoto goodbye car kiss all over again, they had kissed and been intimate in the intervening years but never had they gone near that kiss again. Part pain part pleasure--now submission.  They both submitted to the intensity, to their complexity.  Their life together had never, never been easy but it had been…theirs.  She had loved Angel but she had never shared this part of herself with anyone else. Did Spike know that?  Did he know how much she loved him?

One way to find out.
  
She had hurt him terribly, but once, albeit, long ago--he had lectured her on being proud of pain and lets see how well he has taken his own advice.

"Spike. Spike. "She spoke again until she had his full attention.  "Spike help me…take me outa here…"

"Wait…a…wait a minute Buffy slow down a bit…we have to talk a bit…I'm very angry with you-"

"-I know love…"  She said.

His head sapped around at the endearment, he eyed her suspiciously.
God, what did it mean that a couple of kind words would freak him out?  What had she done to him?

"Spike, I know you're mad…you have a right to be…but you know me, unfortunately I figure things out sometimes as I go-hey you can relate to that."

He didn't smile.

"Spike please help me.  Take me out of here.  They wanna do exploratory surgery maybe or some experimental treatments or something but for what?  This is my time, Spike…I can feel it…I don't want my body carved up…"

He had listened quietly while she spoke waiting to hear something in her voice.

"Are you afraid luv?  Of the surgery?"

"No."  Her answer was quiet but firm.

"Of life?"

A little longer pause and then"  "No Spike.  I love life.  I love my life.  But maybe there is a reason why Slayers only live to be about 25.  We live lifetimes, accelerated grow, spiritual, emotional, the whole package.  When you look at a 25 year old slayer you are really looking at a middle aged woman.  And when you look at me…"

He did. Her smooth taunt skin--she was truly beautiful, she was, despite the illness or maybe because of it she was almost illuminated from within.  As a very old person is at the end of their life.  Glowing like a child.  She was a 43 year old 110 year old.

"So what does that make you in dog's years?" He asked

And her laugh was so complete and such a gift to him-that he could make her laugh, even now, especially now, that he almost smiled.

She had to speak his name.  Spike would just have to take it on the chin.

"Angel is so afraid--he's running all around looking for specialists and answers, never considering that I just might be dying of old age-"

"You don't look old-"

"-as you once told me-don't be obtuse.  I had to look it up later you know." 

He had to smile at that, god he loved this woman. 

"And what makes you think I'm not scared or that I want you to die?"

"Shh…shh…I know it's hard for you, maybe harder cuz we haven't had the years in between..."  (No need to go into all of it-just get him out to the beach house and tell him there) "I know you'd miss me…"

"MISS YOU!  MISS YOU!" He bellowed, shocked, angered

She grabbed him in a fierce hug.

"Shh…shh…you're not listening to me…Spike listen with your heart…not…just listen…"

She managed to slow him down, she noticed his roaring had brought Giles into the room-she nodded her head toward her Watcher indicating they were o.k.  Giles remained unobserved by Spike in the corner of the room.     

"How can you ask me to help you die Buffy  Cuz thas it innnit?  No drugs, no life saving treatment, I pull the plug take you outa here and you die-how can you possible ask me to do that?  You think I don't love you as much as…others...that I might be able to do that?"

"No…No…I think you respect my mind more that others and so you will do that." 

Silence.  Oh god…oh…god…she was right…if she wanted out…well simply because she wanted it he-

"It feels kinda like rape Spike.  It feels like they are gonna do things, private things to my body that I don't want done.  I'm claiming a kinda 'lets just see what happens naturally' and they think that I'm some kinda Christian Scientists healing a broken bone with prayer and no proper setting. Not that I knock them, matter of fact I'm beginning to see they're point of view, but Dawn is getting an medical emergency sorta of dispensation and they are arguing diminished capacity."

"Whas' wrong Slayer?" 

He had used the old moniker and Buffy relaxed, she was getting through to him.
 
"A door is opening for me…just a door to a great new adventure and I've been here and had this one for what feels like 100 years and so I wanna see what happens next."

(No need to mention the other thing the real thing, the clincher until they got to the beach house.)

She waited.  If she was going to get through, those were the only words she knew that would do it.

He stood up moved off the bed his face closed off from her.  He stood and looked at her and she thought: he's gonna bail, when he said:

"Alright then, whattal' of this lot is coming with?"  He indicated the tubes and fluids in plastic bags.

And she smiled.  Buffy smiled.

"I love you Spike…and not just for this…you know that right?"

"Yeah…yeah I know lots…"  He turned to look at the Giles.  "So, you coming too mate?"

Giles cleared his throat (he thought: 'soon, soon, a few more years'…) but said:  "Not at present.  Buffy will instruct you as to where to go.  You will find everything you need there-"

"Giles did you bring my drink? "  Buffy was already trying to sit up, pulling the blankets on the bed back "-Spike there's a dress hanging in the closet, I'll just throw it over this old thing."

While Spike went to the closet Giles drew out a small bottle of water-Spike drew away automatically from the hand holding the bottle.

"Crimmeny!  What is that?  Holy Water?"  He looked at Buffy "On the hard stuff lamb?"

She looked almost sheepish but took the bottle and took a swig. "Long and very, very uninteresting story-short run is this is the mysterious elixir that keeps me up and going and kicking butt almost right up until the ripe old age of forty three and damm proud of it Sunny Boy!  Now get me my cane so I can gimpy out with dignity"

He almost laughed outloud then stopped himself.

"It's o.k. to laugh you know-I intend to, and laughing by myself is a bit like masturbating and I've had enough of that in my life so-"

Now he did laugh.  God in heaven how he loved this girl.  (…what would he do without her?  Even from the other side of the globe he had felt her, was linked to her-)

 He was in his mind and would always be:  Buffy & Spike.  Buffy & Spike

As she got herself ready Giles slipped him a phone, complete with directory, how to reach him.

"Please leave it on at all times…and then he added, said again:  "Please.  And Spike.  Thank you for doing this-"

"-No.  No.  Don't EVER thank me for doing this.  Got it?"

Giles did.  He nodded and then turned to the hallway.  Shit.  Voices.  Harris.  Spike would recognize that Whelp even with a 120 years in-between.  He looked toward Buffy.  She looked frightened.  Fuck.

Giles spoke up as he moved.

"I'll take him to the cafeteria-tell him Buffy's sleeping-give me a few minutes-but you better move fast."

Spike looked at Buffy small in her Blue velvet dress and had a strange sensation of déjà vu.  Brown hair and blue velvet…

"Your hair…" he touched a strand

"Yours too..." she nodded.  He laughed, "Yeah…back in brown."   
      
"Well then that's two of us."

"Old times…"

"Better times…"  She said it so sincerely he shook his head.  Well maybe the world looks completely different from her point of view.  He didn't think Buffy would ever understand what it was she was asking him to do.  Uh oh-time to move.

"Luv?"

In answer she took a couple of unsteady steps leaning heavily on his arm until he said:

"Bugger this pace-I'm gonna have some fun-" And with that he slung her overnight bag over his shoulder and scooped her gently up in his arms and proceeded to carry her, as was his pleasure, out of… 'there'

"Spike…" she offered the token resistance  

"Shhh…shhh…dealers call pet…we're playing high stakes now-kidnapping an al' makes it my call."

She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder.

"It feels like flying…Spike …" She murmured as he swept like silk down the hallways past openmouthed orderlies not daring to broach his stern face. 

He whisper walked the smoothest vampire gait no bump in the road and all clear sailing from here on out for his girl.

She almost giggled.

"Flying…it feels like flying…"  and she closed her eyes and buried her face against his neck to heighten the feeling of floating flying out into the black night into gods knows where and for god knows what.

*