By: Valkyrie

A/N:  Angst is here in full force vamps and ghouls…Happy Friggin’ Halloween!

Feedback: Ohh…let me think.  Yes?

Archive: Want. Take. Have.

“If you could see me now,

The one who said that she’d rather run.

The one who said she’d rather be alone.”

~ ‘In Your Loving Arms’ The Dixie Chicks

            Four days, fifteen hundred miles, eleven trucks and many sad and shattered dreams had brought her here.  To this place.  Home.  Mother.  Home. 

            She could have been here sooner, used the money she earned at Gunn’s, but had decided to be careful.  Prudent.  Prepared if she had to leave.  If she wasn’t wanted back.

“Home is where they always have to take you back.”

Yeah, sure.  Sounds good in words…but in reality?  Not so much.  Who knows?  She felt that urge…calling?…to run again.  To say screw this and head back to where the trucks were and find one to hop in.  Get the hell outta here.  The house stared at her in reproach, as if saying “Why?  Why now?”  The faded yellow sides and the white rails of the porch looked harsh to her.  She wasn’t used to this…this what?  Reality?  1630 Revello Drive didn’t belong to her anymore.  It belonged to the cheerleader, the friend, the daughter…not to this hardened and weary traveler who now stood facing it as if she was staring at a firing squad.  She stood at the end of the walk and eyed it warily as if searching for that thing, that one part, she didn’t recognize.  That piece of the house that stated in big, blaring neon lights that this WASN’T her home anymore.  The blonde with the dirty dust spattered cowboy boots and torn jeans didn’t jig with the bubbly, pom-pom waving girl she had been and she felt…torn.  Lost.  Drifting.  In that last crystal moment before her will shattered and she would turn to run, the front door opened.

“Buffy?”  A whisper on the wind but a scream in her soul.

“Mom? Mommy?”

*   *   *  *

“Nothing can dry your eyes,

Like a highway sunrise.”

~ ‘Highway Sunrise’ Rhett Akins

It had taken him twelve hours.  Twelve hours to find his stones and pack his shit.  Twelve hours to pay his dues and find a map.  Twelve hours to gas his bike and hit the road…destination?  California.  Twelve hours behind her…and twelve hours for every doubt he had to rise up and kick his ass. 

He had left Oklahoma in his dust without a sound beyond the roar of the Harley, and now he was in New Mexico.  One of the four corners…the place where he had decided to stop. And think.  She had left…just like that it had come crashing down around his ears and the jagged refuse stabbed him with every mile he rode nearer to California.  He didn’t know why he was going there, except…he had a gut instinct that’s where she was heading….home. 

“Home is where they always have to take you back.”

He had said that and now the words were his beacon…his lighthouse.  She would go home.  What he planned on doing when he got there was a completely different story.

He hadn’t the foggiest bleedin’ clue!

All he DID know was that he had to go to her.  Had to figure out what happened.  Had to return her stupid picture.  ‘Right mate, that sounds convincing.’  He snorted into the sludge the diner called coffee as his gaze roamed over said stupid picture.  His golden girl, his Buffy.  He had memorized every square millimeter of the photo and still it drew his eye.  He had wondered for a brief moment who the two teens with her were, until he’d flipped the picture.

‘Me, Willow and Xander.  Yay Seniors!’

Her looping bubbled letters had tugged at him.  They were a symbol of adolescence…and why was it that every teenage girl at some point had that same oversized bubbly writing?  He shook his head and sighed…at least she hadn’t dotted her ‘i’ with a heart or something so flowery.  For some reason he couldn’t picture the girl he had known being so carefree.  Even when she had laughed it had been restrained…tempered.  By what?  He didn’t know, couldn’t fathom…what had taken the bright girl, so happy to be a Senior, and made her into the shy and somewhat scared woman he had met and fell in love with.  She had never said…he had never asked.  And that was the rub, wasn’t it?  That was the bloody crux of the bloody problem.  He. Didn’t. Know.  He didn’t know if she would want him to follow her.  He didn’t know if she missed him.  He didn’t know if she could love him.  All he knew is she was his destination, and he had to get there.  Point A to point B and all points in between.  Bugger the rest…figure it out when he was there.

*   *   *   *

Soap and bleach and dust and ancient mystical things.  When she caught a whiff of these things as her mother squeezed her so close she knew…home.  She was home.  She didn’t remember going up the walk, climbing the stairs…she just went from the end of the walk to being in her mother’s embrace. 

“Buffy, oh my girl,” Her mother had been murmuring the same four words in differing variations ever since.  All Buffy could do was cry and hold on for dear life.  In what could have been hours or maybe only minutes they managed to gather their control and make it inside the house and onto the couch.  Her mother kept a grip…her hand, her arm, her knee, anything…as if afraid that if she ended the contact her little girl would vanish again.

They were interrupted by a knock on the door and her mom sniffed and gave her an apologetic smile before rising gracefully to answer.

“Hi, Mrs. Summers,” At the voice Buffy froze.  Not yet, she wasn’t ready, no, no, no, no!  But her body rose without her command and her feet pulled her to stand behind her mom.  Sensing her daughter, Joyce stepped to the side and Buffy locked her wary gaze on the disheveled young man staring at her in shock, “B-Buffy?”

She raised a hand in a small wave and tried to speak but her tears choked her and all she could do was stand there.  Stand and stare and feel her lip tremble and her eyes fill. 

“Holy crap!  It’s you!  You’re back! Oh man…Buffy…” Xander’s voice came out in an unmanly squeak and he cleared his throat.  “When? Where have…? I mean, I don’t know what I mean.”

Suddenly Buffy was smothered in Xander arms and the sobs broke loose, “Oh God…Xander.  I’m so s-sorry.  God, I missed you…a-a-and Willow.”  She cried and Xander hugged her until she was dry before pulling back to wipe at her blotchy face.  “You guys must hate me.  I would hate me…”

“No, Buff,” Xander gave her a trembling version of his goofy grin and looked at his friend.  “I don’t- WE- don’t hate you.  We were just so worried, scared.  One day you were here and then POOF!  No more Buffster.  And oh man, I gotta call Willow, she’s gonna seriously wig.” 

Buffy sniffed and gave him a watery grin of her own, “Yeah, serious wiggins.  I-I’m sorry I was gone so long.”

“Hey no big!  You’re back now, right?” Xander couldn’t hide the hopeful expression on his face and Buffy smiled…her first real smile since leaving Mountain View.

“For good,” If her friends and mom didn’t hate her she could do this…she could stay. 

*   *   *   *

Spike let loose every nasty word in his vocabulary as he kicked at the bike.  The bloody thing had died, just died, and for no damn good reason!  He was stuck in…where the hell was he again?  Bugger it!  Who cared?  Not him…except now he was gonna have to hike God only knows how many miles to someplace where could get a ride or a bus ticket.  He looked back the way he had come.  The stop sign on the black top he had just come from was a good eighty or so miles back, and he had no bleedin’ clue how far the next one was, but it had to be closer than eighty miles.  With another curse and solid kick at the bike, he hefted his duffle and started walking.  He hoped it wasn’t too far, because Doc’s just weren’t made for long hikes.

“Bloody buggering fuck!”

*   *   *   *

Buffy sat sandwiched between Willow and Xander on her mom’s couch, drinking hot chocolate and listening to her two best friends fill her in on what she had missed in the two years she’d been gone.

“So, of course, she lied.  You know Cordy…appearance is everything, and Xander just wasn’t appearance-y enough for her-“

“Hey!” Buffy masked her giggle in her mug.

“Sorry, Xan.  But anyway, you should have seen her face when Harmony flat out told her they knew.  But I’ll give her credit…she took it in stride.  Said if that was the case…and she walked right up to our table and grabbed Xander and kissed him.”

“Wow, really?”  Buffy looked at Xander amazed.

“Yep!” Xander grinned. “Been together ever since.  Not exactly romantic, but after Willow’s love life here, who needs romance?”

“Huh, you and Cordy?  Who’d a thunk?  And Wills?  You got someone, too?” Buffy raised an eyebrow.

The red head blushed and ducked her head, “Yeah.”

“Well, dish girl!  Who is he?”

“Uh…um, well you see it’s funny.  Really funny and I think maybe-maybe we should…what about you?  Meet any guys in your wanderings?”  She tried, badly, to change the topic.

“Uh uh, Wills, no changing the subject,” Buffy smiled wickedly. “You tell me and then I’ll tell you guys my stuff.”

“Ohhh…fine!” Willow took a deep breath and mumbled, “It’snotaguyit’sagirlandhernameisTara.”

“Whoa! Be kind, rewind…a-a girl?” Buffy stared stunned at the quiet girl.

A deep sigh, and then, “Yeah, a girl.  I met her just after you left, and I’ve never had feelings for a girl before, but it kinda just happened.  It’s nice and she’s nice.  You’ll really like her, Buffy.  She so sweet and-and I love her, so please don’t wig on me.”

“Wow!  A girl…huh.  W-well, go you,” She smiled at the apprehensive look on Wilow’s face.  “Really, Will, I’m glad you’re happy and I’m sure I’ll like…Tara, right?  Just through me for a loop, is all.  I leave for a bit and my best guy friend is dating my mortal enemy from school and my best girl friend is gay.  Things sure do change.”  She shook her head with a small smile.

“Okay, Buffster…we’ve dished now it’s your turn,” Xander rubbed his hands together. “Tell us all about life on the road.”

“Oh, well…not much to tell,” She shrugged. “Spent most of it hitching rides-“

“Wasn’t that dangerous, Buffy?” Willow asked.

“It could be, but you learn to read people.  Most of the drivers I hitched with were actually pretty cool.  When I wasn’t on the road, I was waitressing at truck stops and bars.  Had to make money, ya know?  It’s almost like a community…well, a constantly changing community, but still.  Everyone kinda helps each other.  Places to stay, jobs, rides…stuff like that,” Buffy leaned back into the cushions.

“Did you meet any, like, friends?”  Xander raised an eyebrow.

A fleeting image of Spike danced across her vision and she winced mentally.  She missed him.  Shaking off the melancholy that thought brought, she forced a smile, “Yeah, a few.  But nothing ever lasted long, no one stayed in one place long enough for a real friendship to grow.  There was this one girl I met, Fred, she was from Texas…anyway, she was so sweet.  I waited tables at this little diner in Mackinaw City with her for about three months during last winter.  We rented a room together and when I left, she was the first person I had met that I missed.  Hmmm…I wonder where she is now?”  This time her smile was more genuine and her friends returned it.

“Wow, it actually sounds like fun,” Xander said.

“It was at times…but mostly it was lonely.  Really lonely…and quiet.  There were times when I wanted nothing more than a big crowd and lotsa ambient noise to drown out my thoughts.  I did a lot of thinking,” Her voice dropped and took on a sad note. “I thought about home and mom and you guys.  Thought about what had happened.  It all kind of took on this surreal quality, like maybe this place was just a dream- or heh! Maybe it was my nightmare…either way, the longer I was away the less real it became and the harder it was to think about coming back.”

“Oh, Buffy…” Willow took her hand and squeezed.  “You know no one blamed you right?”

“Yeah, Buff,” Xander took her other hand. “It was never an issue.  We, all of us, knew that it wasn’t your fault.  You left before we could tell you that.”

“I didn’t- I thought it was my fault and that was enough.  If I had been a little more considerate…taken a little more time…actually stopped being a bitch for two seconds…” She swallowed hard, “Then maybe Jesse wouldn’t have done it.  He might still be a-alive.” Her voice cut out on a sob and Willow gathered her close, casting a sad glance at Xander over the weeping girl’s head.  Xander shook his head, clueless in the face of his friend’s grief, and wrapped his arms around his two girls.

Joyce ducked her head out of the kitchen at the sound of her daughter’s crying and met Xander’s eyes.  He gave a slight shrug and went back to comforting the blonde.  She wanted to go to them, but right now Buffy needed her friends.  They knew and understood better than Joyce ever could about the workings of teenage grief.

*   *   *   *

Finally!  Spike noted the lights in the distance and picked up his pace.  Night had settled hours ago and he was beginning to think he would have to find some place to camp for the night.  He had no clue how far he had walked, and he’d not seen one vehicle in the whole time since leaving the bike behind.  The closer he got, the wider his smile…there was a bus depot!  Good…first thing, sleep.  Then food and a bus ticket.  Hopefully he could get one all the way to California.  L.A. probably, and then maybe Sunnydale…if not he could always hitch.  Not much longer, two days tops…and he’d be there.

Finally.