TITLE: Not Enough

AUTHOR: Deani

RATING: PG

SPOILERS: BtVS S7, AtS S5

PAIRING(S): Spike/Buffy, implied Angel/Buffy

SUMMARY: Buffy finds out Spike’s ‘alive’. Guiltiness ensues.

WARNING(S): 1st person POV, short, stream-of-consciousness rambling.

DISCLAIMER: Joss has forsaken me.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Concept I came up with 11/01/03 after hearing SMG wouldn’t be reprising her ‘Buffy’ role on AtS during S5. Which is ass. Dedicated to Kordy of Inamorati (http://www.geocities.com/inamorati_sb/) - the best Spike/Buffy fanfiction archive on the Internet.

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“Not Enough”

They kept it from me.

Why do people do that? Keep important information from other people, I mean. It’s not like I’d fall apart or freak out or... whatever. I mean, I’m a stable, well-balanced girl, right? I’m not the type to just go all Michael Douglas at McDonald’s or get all John Cusack-y and go looking for a bungee cord in the basement. Well... not anymore. I got past all that, you know.

But anyway, that’s not the point. The point is they kept it from me. Because they thought it’d be for the best. Nobody said it, but I knew they meant that they thought I couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t handle it? Hell-o? I’ve saved the world on a nightly -- and sometimes daily -- basis for the past eight years. Eight years, people. I’ve lived through more craziness than Chelsea Clinton, and you think I can’t handle something. Come on. What are you, deficient? But, seriously. Did they think I was stupid, too? Did they think that I wouldn’t find out? This whole thing is just... Well, the word ‘sucky’ comes to mind, but I’m sure there are many worse and more fitting words that I just don’t have the vocabulary to use.

But... the truth is, I wish they’d been more successful in keeping it from me. I wish I didn’t know. I wish a lot of things right now, and they all center around this one tiny piece of information. Where’s one of D’Whovitz’s wish demons now? Isn’t there one for women’s angst or something? Oh, well. Whatever. It’s not like a wish demon would come around me willingly. Probably think I’d break their necklace. But if one did come around, I think I know which wish I’d pick.

I’d wish for the courage to see him. Because, right now, I can’t. I just... can’t.

Will saw him. And you’d think she was the first to know, but you’d be wrong. She came back and told Giles -- again, note that ‘Giles’ is not me -- and he was all, “Oh, yes, well, I’ve known that for quite some time now.” Quite some time, huh? Just you wait until I get you into our next training session, buddy. Argh.

But back to how Will found out. She went on a little expedition to La-la Land to see Wesley and get a nifty new book on... something. Or did she go to help them? Or... I don’t know. I was in Paris.

Anyway, so Will saw him. I mean, really saw him. He was real. He was alive. Well, ‘alive’ in the vampire-y sense of the word. But he was there.

And she didn’t tell me. None of them told me. They told each other. They kept it all hush-hush. Mustn’t tell Buffy, oh, no, because that would lead to her freaking out and being weird. As if! Were their brains on vacay or what?.

You know, I fainted. When they finally realized I should be told. I just blanked and went out. “Guess what, Buffy! Spike’s not dust anymore! Isn’t that great?” Ka-thud. They should’ve started out with, “Buffy, maybe you should sit down...” I got a nasty bump on the head after all. Inconsiderate.

But Spike’s alive. Yeah. That’s great. I mean, it is. But it isn’t. I can’t see him.

I don’t think anyone understood why I didn’t just hop on the next flight to LA to see him. I had lots of little reasons. And one big one, but I’ll save the worst for last.

As for the little stuff, the big ‘little reason’ was Angel. He gets so bitchy when it comes to Spike. I mean, inferiority complex much? And honestly, I just don’t want to deal with the petty bullshit I had to deal with last time. Angel doesn’t get it, does he? Spike will always be different from him. He didn’t have his soul forced upon him. He wanted his soul. He went out and fought to get his soul. And he doesn’t do good deeds to ante up or whatever. Spike does good because he cares and knows it’s the right thing to do. He doesn’t care about rewards and stuff. He just... cares.

I know him. And that’s the way he is.

And that’s part of why I can’t see him.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to see him. More than anything, I want to see Spike. But... I’m terrified.

Did you know I meant every word I said to him before the end? Maybe he just thought I was a bad actress or being a nice person telling him what I thought he wanted to hear. It wasn’t an act, though. I really did love him. I still do. And that makes this worse. It’s not like I cried myself to sleep every night or became one with somnambulism by day. I’m not 16 anymore, you know. But I did miss him. For a while he was such a negative force in my life, and then he wasn’t. Spike was... constant. An anchor. He kept me safe, in a sense. How do you just give up on something like that?

I mean, sure, he was totally evil and tried to kill me innumerable times and vice versa. But really. Look at everything this man has done for me.

Things Spike Has Done For Me

1. Got a soul.

2. Died to save the world.

3. Saved the world with me three other times while he was evil. (Bonus points!)

4. Taken care of my family and friends.

5. Taken care of me.

I think that says it all.

Spike did all of this for me. This list, of course, doesn’t include the fact that he loved me, or that most of this was done because of that love. But that’s just the cream filling. And yet, I still can’t go see him. Am I out of my mind? I should’ve been jumping for joy when they said he was back from Dustville. I should have snagged the first flight I could just to make sure they weren’t joking. Called him, written him, anything. I should’ve done something.

But I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

I can’t.

I’ve never done anything for Spike. He gave up the world for me. Gave up his entire existence for me. But I haven’t done anything for him. Ever. And I don’t know why.

Why didn’t I do anything for him? What was wrong with me? I was busy trying to save the world, but so was he, and he still managed to do things for me. But I didn’t even stop to help him! I didn’t even think to ask! And I don’t think he even realized that I cared the whole time. He never knew. He wouldn’t even believe me when I told him. Was I so awful and ignorant?

He deserves so much better than that.

Better than me.

It’s funny. Angel would probably say I deserved better than both of them. And maybe now, Spike might say the same thing. But it isn’t true. With Angel, he never really poured his heart and soul into me, so maybe he’d be right; maybe I’d deserve better than him. But Spike did. He gave everything. Maybe that makes the difference. Maybe that’s why it isn’t true about Spike. Or at least, why I don’t think it’s true about him. He gave me the whole package and then some, but I treated him like crap. I was Godzilla, and Spike was my Tokyo.

And that’s the real reason why I can’t see him.

I love him.

But I didn’t love him enough.

Not enough.