By: Valkyrie
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns everything. I’m just borrowing them
Summary: Takes place post S7. Buffy gets a surprise when she goes to Angel for help.
Rating: PG-13/R (Possible edging into NC-17)
* * * * *
Chapter 12
Buffy lay in Spike’s bed, his arms around her and his head resting on her chest. They had made love slowly and reverently, reaffirming their love and life, before he had drifted into an exhausted sleep. She ran her fingers through his soft curls as her mind shifted restlessly. She was edgy. His near death had made her realize, once again, how easy it is to lose someone you love. She had put her heart on the line with him, she loved him intensely, but she was so scared of truly losing him. It hurt inside with a searing pain whenever she pictured the collapse of the warehouse and knew he was inside. The thought of loving him and losing him terrified her. It seemed funny to her, that when he was a vampire, she was always so sure of his survival. He was Spike, ‘The Big Bad,’ and nothing could knock him down. Hell, she’d dropped a church organ on him and he still managed to come back stronger than ever. But now…now, The Big Bad had a heartbeat and just like that it could all end. Even with is healing abilities and strength, she knew it was only a matter of time before his risk it all attitude managed to get him killed. Her natural instinct to protect herself reared up, and she had to fight with all her willpower to not just leave. For so many years, she had shut herself off. She had bottled up everything and kept her emotions closed off. Spike was the only one who had ever managed to put a chink in the walls around her heart. He had persistently beaten against them with his love and sarcasm and body. And now, he was so tightly wound around her heart she feared she would not live if he left her. She worried that if he stayed with her, and fought with her, it would lead to his demise as it had in Sunnydale. He was willing to die if it meant she would live, he had proved that time and time again. She couldn’t let that happen. She couldn’t risk his life so that she could be with him. She knew that, just as well as she knew leaving him behind would tear both their hearts out. Yet, she knew she had to. She couldn’t let him be hurt again, and she couldn’t watch him die again. Carefully untangling herself from him stood up and retrieved her robe. She leaned over and brushed her lips across his forehead, “I love you, Spike. Always.” With that, she left her room to find her friends. It wouldn’t be easy, but she’d make him see that it was for the best…for both of them.
* * *
After getting dressed and sending an ecstatic Dawn off with a hug to visit Spike, Buffy made her way downstairs. She found Xander, Willow, and Angel in the lobby all discussing what to do with the amulet that was now in their possession. Willow raised her head when she heard Buffy’s footsteps, “Buffy! How ya feelin’?”
“Better now that Spike’s back,” Buffy gave her friend a huge hug. “Thank you, Will,” She whispered.
“You’re welcome, Buff. I had to try, he saved my life,” Willow returned her friend’s hug. Pulling back she smiled at the blonde, “So, everything is okay in Buffy and Spike land?”
Buffy winced slightly at this but quickly covered it with a false smile, “Yeah, everything’s great. He’s sleeping right now, or probably not anymore. Dawn was too excited to wait for him to wake up,” Buffy gave the group a wry smile.
“Yeah, Dawnie was pretty upset. She was worried about you too,” Xander grimaced. “I think she thought you weren’t gonna come through that.”
“I got that. I think it reminded her of when Mom died,” Buffy said sadly. “She was so lost then, and I was too. I know that Spike had become a big brother of sorts to her, and I think she felt she was losing another family member.”
“Well, he’s back now, no harm,” Willow perked up. “All is right in the world, right?”
“Yeah,” Buffy forced a smile. “All is right…so, what’s up with the amulet?” She quickly changed the subject before she broke down. As Willow filled her in on the spell they had to do to destroy it, and the difficult ingredients they had to find, Buffy allowed herself to become distracted from thoughts of Spike and focus on her duty.
“So, if all goes well,” Willow concluded. “We can do the spell by the end of the week. Once done, the witches will be free, and we can go home.”
“That’s great guys. I’m actually ready to get back home,” Buffy propped her chin in her hand.
Xander turned his head to look at her, “Me too. So is the miracle boy going with us?”
“We’ve talked about it,” Buffy hedged. “We haven’t really decided one way or the other.”
“Well, I think it would be great if he came. He could help us train the girls and all. I think Giles is starting to get a bit drained keeping up with them,” Willow turned to Angel. “You wouldn’t mind, would you?”
“Dead boy would probably be happy to have Spike out of his hair, right?” Xander smirked at the vampire.
“Don’t call me that, and if Spike wants to go it’s his choice. I wouldn’t force him to stay,” Angel glared at Xander before directing his answer to Willow.
“Well then, it’s up to Spike and the Buffster here,” Xander said. “If we’re done, I’m starving. I think I’ll go down to that café, anyone else?” At everyone’s negative reply, Xander grabbed his jacket and took his leave. Angel went upstairs to sleep, claiming exhaustion and complaining about keeping off hours with so many humans in residence. Buffy chuckled at his retreating form before turning back to Willow. She immediately was confronted with Willow’s resolve face, a sure sign that a serious talk was coming.
Buffy sighed and took a seat next to her friend, “I know the resolve face, Wills. What’s up?”
“Are you okay Buffy?” Willow looked at her hard. “You seem off a bit. I thought you’d be happy, you know, with Spike alive and all.”
Lowering her eyes from Willow’s, Buffy stared at her hands, “I am happy Will. It’s just emotional overload, I think. I was so…God, I can’t put it into words. He was dead, Willow. Or at least I thought he was, and it hurt so badly. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It hurt worse than when I sent Angel to Hell, or even when Mom died. I’m scared. I don’t know if I could survive that again.”
Willow looked at her in understanding, “That’s how I felt about Tara’s death, too. But, I don’t regret one minute with her, even if had meant no pain. Buffy, you can’t let your fears get in the way. Not a day went by with Tara that I wasn’t scared of something happening to her. It was… no, it IS a hazard of the life we live. There’s always that chance that something could go wrong. But, as clichéd as it sounds, you have to take the good with the bad. Someone I love once told me ‘Life is short. Seize the day, cause tomorrow you could be dead.’ I took that to heart. You had a miracle placed at your feet, Buffy. Seize it, and don’t let the possibility of something going wrong take away a chance at happiness. I know you, and I know how you feel like you have to protect everybody you care about. Spike loves you; let him shoulder some of the burden. Don’t run away because you’re afraid something could happen to him again.”
Buffy’s head snapped up at that before tears welled in her eyes, “But Willow, I’m so scared. If he comes with us…”
“It’s no different than if he stays here with Angel,” Willow took her friend’s hand. “At least if he’s with you, the two of you can take care of each other. Just think about it, Buffy. If you really love him, don’t ruin what could be the greatest thing in both your lives.”
Buffy squeezed Willow’s hand, “I don’t want to let him go. I just… I want him safe.”
“I know you do, sweetie. If this bothers you so much, talk to him. See what he says. He might be willing to lay off the more dangerous stuff if he knows you’re that worried. I get the feeling he’d do whatever you wanted if it would make you happy,” Willow smiled at the girl.
“I know, Will,” Buffy sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. “That’s what worries me. He’d willingly walk into death if it meant I would live. I can’t do that again…not after Sunnydale, not after getting him back twice. I’d…I can’t let that happen.”
Willow stood and paced in front of the couch. It hurt to see Buffy throwing away a chance at happiness because of her fears. She stopped in front of her friend, resolve face in place, and waited until Buffy met her eyes, “I know you’re scared Buffy. I am too, every day with Kennedy, I’m worried something will happen to her. But give it a chance. Now, after all these years, you have a chance at some semblance of a normal life. Grab it, and run with it. Even normal people have to take that chance…that chance of something going wrong. Don’t think about it or you’ll drive yourself crazy.” Willow crouched in front of the blonde and reached out to squeeze her hand, “I’m starting to be repeat-o girl here, but don’t throw this away. You deserve to be happy…you both deserve it.”
“Who deserves to be what?” Both girls looked up with a smile as Spike and Dawn walked up, “Are you gropin’ my girl, Red?”
Willow laughed out loud, “That’s just wrong, Spike. Besides, I know she’s taken.”
“Damn right,” Spike grinned and dropped onto the couch next to Buffy, dropping a kiss on her temple. “Now what were you two talking about while I was being accosted by a hyper-active teenager?” Spike ducked the joking swing from Dawn before pulling her down to sit on the other side of him.
“Girl stuff,” Buffy replied with a strained smile. Spike raised his eyebrow at her tense expression, and Buffy cursed mentally. He was too damn perceptive. Dropping the smile, she said, “We need to talk.”
“Sure thing, luv,” Spike looked at her serious expression, instantly worried. “Why don’t we um, go out in the courtyard?”
Buffy nodded and stood up while Willow looked at Dawn, “You hungry, Dawnie? Xander’s down at the café. We could join him.” Dawn agreed, and after hugging her sister and Spike, the two girls left. Spike gestured at the door to the courtyard, “After you, my lady.” Frowning when she didn’t return his smile.
Buffy led the way outside, making her way over to sit on the bench there. Spike followed, noticing the stiffness in her frame. He had a bad feeling about this. When Dawn had woke him up earlier, he had been surprised to find Buffy wasn’t there. He knew her fear about being left, and had been shocked that he was the one to wake up in an empty bed. Now, looking at the sadness written across her face, he couldn’t help but be put on the defensive. It pissed him off to no end that he could never be sure of her. He wanted to trust in their love for each other, but Buffy was the queen of running scared. Deciding to jump in with both feet he pulled out a cigarette, something he did very rarely now, and lit it. Leaning against the post supporting the roof, he blew out a stream of smoke, and asked, “What’s going on, Buffy?”
She kept her eyes down, focusing on her hands clenched in her lap. She had truly listened to what Willow said, but that irrational, and she knew that’s what it was, fear was still churning in her gut. Without raising her gaze from her lap, she spoke, “I’m scared, Spike.” Okay, that had been easier to say than she had thought it would be. “I-I don’t know if I…” So maybe it wasn’t so easy. She stood up in frustration. She hazarded a glance at Spike out of the corner of her eye. He was still leaning against the post, his face carefully neutral. She began pacing, “No! I know I can’t. I can’t…I can’t do this again.” She spun on her heel at the end of the patio and faced him. “I love you, I do, but what happened last night? Thinking I had lost you again…I can’t go through that.”
Spike straightened up in a flash, his heart seizing in his chest, cigarette dropping unnoticed to the ground. She couldn’t be saying… “Buffy-“
“No,” She held up her hand. “I have to say this. I can’t spend every day for the next however many years, worrying whether or not you’re going to come home.” She pointed a finger at him, “You said once, that I had a death wish-“
“I was an idiot-” He stopped when she gave him a harsh glare.
“No, you were right, I did,” Buffy snorted. “But so do you. No, maybe death wish isn’t right, but it’s pretty darn close. You jump into the middle of a fight without a plan; you put yourself right in the line of fire. I’m not saying that is a bad thing. You have always been that way, and in the last few years your reasons have been less about getting your spot of violence and more about helping us. But, that doesn’t change the fact that you are always putting yourself in harm’s way.”
“Maybe so, pet,” Spike interrupted. “But, it’s no different than you going out and slaying every night.” He had a feeling where this was going and he was determined to head it off before it got worse. “You don’t like me fighting, luv? For the record, I don’t like you doing it either, but it’s your duty. It’s your destiny and all that rot.” He took a few strides until he was in arm’s reach of her, but didn’t close the distance between them. “You want me to be more careful? I can do that. But Buffy, this is who I am. I’m gonna sound like Peaches here but, I want to do this. I want to help people. I want to save the world.” His lips quirked up at the memory of the last time he’d said those words to her, and he felt heartened when her lips curled slightly also. He took another couple of steps forward and cupped her face in his hands, “Buffy, don’t throw this away. We have a chance at something good, something neither of us thought we would have. I promise to be more careful. I can’t say I’ll never get hurt, I’ll never be in danger…but then again, neither can you.” His eyes searched her face, trying to see if he was getting through to her. He moved that last step to bring their bodies into contact, her head tilting back to look at him. He could see the fear and uncertainty in her eyes, and underneath all that she wanted desperately to believe him. He didn’t know what else to say, “Buffy, please…please don’t run away from this, from us, please-” His voice cracked slightly and he cursed himself for breaking down like this, but she couldn’t leave him…he couldn’t let her walk away.
At the pleading tone in his voice, Buffy felt her heart break a little, “Spike, I…I just don’t want to lose you. If you stay…if you fight…I can’t handle the thought of you not being there. Last night just drove it home for me.” At the thought she got some of her resolve back and stepped away from him, pulling away from his touch. She resolutely ignored the pain in his eyes at the gesture and turned away from him, “I can’t let you put yourself, and this life you’ve been given, at risk because of me.”
Spike’s pain turned into a flare of anger at her words, “Still playing the victim, Slayer?” Buffy whipped around to face him and he closed the gap between them again, invading her space and backing her into the wall. “This has nothing to do with us at all, does it? This has to do with you and your need to play the martyr and sacrifice your happiness for everybody else’s. You think if you cut me loose, than you don’t have to worry that I’ll get myself dead playing the loyal protector, right? Wise up, pet. If I’m not fighting by your side, than I’ll be right there in the thick of it with Angel. What did you call me in Sunnydale? A champion, was it? Well, this is what a champion does…don’t think you walking out of here is going to change that.”
Buffy stared up at him, her own anger coming to the fore. She pushed him back and glared at him, “You think I don’t know that? I know you’ll still fight, I wouldn’t ever ask you not to.” She kept pushing at his chest, knocking him back a step with every sentence. “This isn’t me being a victim or a martyr, Spike. This is me trying to stop what will inevitably happen if we stay together. I love you, you idiot. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I can’t do that,” She had backed him into the opposite wall and now stood before him, anger and fear and hurt pouring off of her in waves. “I can’t take the chance of…I couldn’t live if I had to watch you d-” Her shoulders slumped as the burst of rage gave way to tears.
“I can’t watch you die again like in Sunnydale,” Her voice broke, and Spike’s gaze softened at her obvious distress. She met his eyes and continued, “I had nightmares about that day. I saw you die every night, and all because you chose to fight with me. I don’t want that to happen again. I can’t…God, Spike…I just can’t…”
She collapsed against his chest and his arms came up to hold her. Spike squeezed his eyes shut as he realized what she was telling him. She was taking the blame for his death. His sacrifice had been one more death she had placed on her own list of people she couldn’t save. He gathered her closer and said in a fierce whisper, “Don’t Buffy. It was beyond your control. You can’t blame yourself for what happened to me. God, pet…I’m sorry.” He pulled back and raised her face up to look into her watery eyes. He used his thumbs to brush at the tears sliding down her cheeks, “You want me to stop, I will. I’ll do anything you ask, anything…if it makes you feel better, I’ll stay out of all of it. No demons, no vamps…whatever you want. Just don’t leave me. You can’t watch me die again? Well, I can’t watch you walk away from me again. Please, Buffy…” He pressed soft kisses along her cheeks and eyes, following the tracks of her tears until they stopped.
Buffy pulled back to look at him and winced internally at the pleading expression on his face. He loved her so much, much more than she felt she deserved. She had been so cruel to him and he just tossed it into the past and loved her even more. He had done so much, become so much more than any of them had ever imagined he could be. How could she walk away from that? She had always acknowledged the selfish streak in her nature, thought she had the right to be a little bit selfish because of her life. That same streak was becoming a broad swath as she looked at him. All her life, she had just wanted a man to love her unconditionally…to accept who and what she was with no reservations. This man, her William, always had. She wanted to have what he was offering. That life, that dream, that happiness that had always been just beyond her grasp. That bit of selfishness in her was demanding she take it. Yet, the scared little girl that was always there, the one who was afraid of being left alone, was terrified that he wouldn’t always be there. She had survived her father, Angel, Riley, her mom, even Giles leaving her…but she didn’t think she could handle another person exiting her life, especially if that person was Spike.
“I…” Buffy took a deep breath and dropped her gaze for a moment, before meeting the deep blue of his eyes again. “I don’t want you to give all that up. It’s not fair to you.” Her voice was a whisper as she watched the emotion flit through his eyes.
“Buffy, luv…it doesn’t matter,” He brought his hands around to cup her face again. “I’ve had over one hundred years of fighting, good and bad, I could happily throw it aside if it meant you would stay. Nothing, nothing is more important than you.” His voice was hoarse with emotion and fear. In all his years, nothing had scared him more than this. He felt as if his entire existence was hinging on this woman’s decision.
Buffy knew her next words could make or break them. She had saved the world countless times, yet what she did next seemed more important than a hundred apocalypses. Her dream was right there, within reach, if she could only find the courage to grab it. She didn’t know what to say, how to express how scared and exited and worried and elated she was. For his part, Spike was slowly getting dizzy from holding his breath as he waited for some response. When the corners of her lips turned up slightly he tensed. Then his whole world shifted when the slightly became more and soon she was giving him a blinding, yet somewhat watery, smile, “Okay.”
“O-Okay?” Spike stumbled over the word, trying to grasp what she meant.
“Okay…I’ll stay,” Buffy was surprised at how strong her voice was despite the fear still slithering through her. When Spike went to grab her, she held up a hand, “Hold it there, Romeo. I’ll stay on a couple of conditions.”
“Anything,” Spike couldn’t keep the slight eagerness out of his voice, and she couldn’t help but reach out and run a finger along his cheek. “You come with us to Cleveland and help train the girls.” She watched him nod in agreement and continued, “And if you patrol or fight, I’m coming with you. And last but not least, no running off on your own on some hero’s mission. Deal?”
Her answer was Spike grabbing her around the waist and capturing her lips in a fervent kiss. She smiled against him and wrapped her arms around his neck, forcing herself to throw all her fears out and just enjoy the feeling of being loved so completely. She laughed out loud when he buried his face against her neck and spun her in a circle before setting her back on her feet. She was still giggling when he leaned back to look at her.
Spike stared down at the laughing girl in his arms, “Marry me.” Her eyes went wide and her giggles stopped abruptly. Spike mentally kicked himself. That wasn’t what he had planned on saying, but now that he had he knew he meant it. He took a deep breath and met her surprised hazel eyes, his own brimming with love and uncertainty, “I love you, Buffy Anne Summers, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. So what do you say? Marry me?”
Buffy felt as if the world had just tilted at an impossible angle. He wanted to marry her? ‘OH. MY. GOD. Spike. Husband. Wife. Home. Kids. Mother. Father. Life. Married. Forever…’ As the words repeated in her head, her smile slowly came back by small degrees. Even though it was a serious moment, she couldn’t resist a bit of teasing, “I thought we were engaged?” At Spike’s confused look, she tugged one of the curls over his ear and grinned, “Willow’s spell? I don’t think we ever officially broke our engagement.”
His confusion slowly changed to humor as he caught on to what she was implying, “No, pet. I don’t think we did. So does your answer still stand, then?”
“Oh yeah,” She grinned and pulled him down to meet her lips. Spike returned the kiss for a moment before pulling back and letting out a shout as he spun her around.
Neither one of them noticed the dark haired vampire just inside the doors as he turned away, an indulgent yet somewhat sad smile on his face. ‘Make her happy, Spike. She deserves it.’
* * * * *