Title: Return of the Wench 2/2
Authors: Dande, Darry and Dorotea -- No DDD jokes please. I said "No" Xani.
Rating: DP (for Deck, porch what's the difference?)
Disclaimer: You leave us alone GL and we won't torch the Ranch for that flopping fish select pic.
Archive: I'm sending the text file.

The Return of the Wench 2/2

Dorotea pushed Xani toward the Library door. "You have to leave."

Xani ignored the Librarian's request and leaned in to kiss her neck. "I don't have to leave right now, do I?"

Dorotea closed her eyes and in the distance she could hear, "SCREWING AROUND SOMEONE IS."

"Yes, now," Dorotea said grabbing a section of Xani's hair and pulling his face away from her neck. "If you don't leave I won't get my black clothing back."

Xani shrugged. "I like you in my shirt," he leered, looking at the half-buttoned midnight-blue silk shirt the Librarian was wearing.

Dorotea frowned, "But they'll kick me off the Board and then who will torment Emmy? Certainly not Judy."

"Board? I should be on the Board. I own the madhouse after all."

"Uh oh." Dorotea said, then a smile spread across her face. "Yes, you should be. Why don't you go speak to the Dean about that?"

Xani nodded. "I believe I will, my pet," he purred, kissing Dorotea on the forehead before turning and leaving the Library.

Dorotea smiled wickedly as she hummed the Brunnen-G fight song on her way to the new fridge, suddenly hungry for a popsicle.

~*~

Dande and the Hippie stood in the garden, holding hands, her head against his arm, watching the miners finish up the cottage. A few Ho's were also there, watching the half-nekkid miners flexing their muscles as they worked.

Tasha had designed the English cottage, it was quaint and quite wenchy. She was supervising the construction and Mr. Vocab was in the back growling at curious Ewoks that emerged from the woods.

Cicero approached, wearing his tool belt, carrying Volume 1 of the Time-Life Home Improvement books, "Decks." LP walked with him, carrying a Palm Pilot. Cicero was listing off supplies and LP was writing them on the pad.

"We should be able to start on the deck later today," Cicero said to Dande and the Hippie.

Dande smiled sweetly. "It is an English cottage, it doesn't need a deck, the patio Tasha planned will be fine."

Cicero frowned, glancing down at his book. "I want to build a deck. I have the book," he said, holding it up for Dande to see.

Dande sighed and glanced up at the Hippie, batting her eyelashes just a bit. Qui-Gon waved his hand in front Cicero's face. "We don't a need deck."

LP arched a brow. "You can come to Home Depot with us," he said to the Hippie, holding up the keys to his Range Rover, dangling them hypnotically front of his face. "You can even drive."

A crooked grin spread across Da Mastah's face. He waved his hand in front of Cicero's face. "We will go buy the materials to build the deck now."

"A porch," the Wench gently corrected. "It's the same as a deck, only in the front."

Cicero looked momentarily confused, then said "Wonderful. We'll build an attached gazebo when I get that book."

Qui-Gon kissed his Wenche's forehead. "I'll be back soon, cara."

The Wench smiled, if her Master was happy, she was happy.

~*~

Ellie grabbed Kendra in the hallway. "I need your help."

"What?" Kendra asked warily. "I have an appointment with the General in his Jacuzzi in a half-hour. I'm not going to miss a wet, nekkid, General."

Ellie handed her a box. "I just you need to help me carry these new EA alarms to the Wench's cottage."

Kendra staggered under the weight of the box as Ellie picked up another box. "Why do you need so many EA alarms at the cottage?"

"I know there are Ho's with latent Master tendencies on campus and I'm not taking any chances on them sneaking into to see that Mostly Dead Guy."

"But, do you really need so many?" Kendra asked. "Damn straight! That cottage will be wired baby! No one is going to pull anything over on the new EA Director!" Ellie declared with a power mad gleam in her eyes. "What do these alarms sound like? Kendra asked. Ellie just laughed darkly as her fingers sparked tiny bursts of purple. Kendra looked worried, but decided this was not the time to say anything.

~*~

LP, Cic and QG walked into the Clinic. "We're going to Home Depot to buy supplies for a deck, er, porch for the cottage," Cic said to the Nurse.

The Nurse looked up from painting her nails. "All three of you?"

All three men nodded. "I'm driving," Qui-Gon said, holding up the keys.

LP held up a shiny platinum card. "I'm paying."

Darry arched a brow, scrutinizing the trio. "Let me get this straight. Pelham you have a car, but don't know how to drive?"

"That's right, m'lady. A very stylish car. I couldn't possibly be seen driving myself..."

"I'm coming with you," she said, standing and blowing on her nails. She tried to grab the keys away from the Hippie, but he lifted his arm up so she couldn't reach them.

"I said, I'm driving," He almost growled, but stopped himself, trying to restrain his alphaness like his Wench had told him to, but he couldn't fully contain it.

"Not my EA, you're not." Darry glanced over at Cicero, who was looking at her legs with a glazed expression. Then she looked back at Qui-Gon. "Have you been---you know." She waved her hand in front of her face a couple of times.

"No," said Qui-Gon. "Yes," said LP at the same time.

"Right, he's coming with me." Darry said, reaching for her keys. The Hippie strode out of the Clinic, followed by Cic, LP and a Nurse with purple sparks sneaking out from under her Imperial Red fingernail polish.

~*~

Dande sat in the waiting room listening to the new campus radio station as she waited for Laure to be finished with her current session with Cal. Dandie shook her head as she thought about the myriad of problems that boy carried around. Her working diagnosis? Cal was a GOOBER.

The door opened and Cal emerged, arm in a sling and sniffling pathetically. He nodded to Dande as he rushed past her towards the maintenance shed. Dande entered Laure's office and found the mediator lying face down on her desk, muttering, "Why me? I'm a mediator, not a therapist!"

Dande got some coffee and muffins for herself and for Laure.

"Ahhh, Dande! He drives me nuts! Whiney ass cry baby! OY! I have enough to do trying to keep the Ho's from killing each other and/or burning down campus. I don't need to wipe Cal's nose for him!..........So, when can you start as campus Counselor?"

Dande and Laure had a great time making plans for Dande's office and talking horses, psych and law. As they were chatting, a man in a Roman toga wandered in with an imperious look on his face. He looked at Dande and said, "You aren't my sister. Are you an assassin sent to kill me?"

Laure looked over to Dande and made the universal Ho face for "I'll handle this." She turned to the man in the toga and said, "No, Commo honey, this is not your sister, she is a friend of mine, she is going to be helping around here. Now, change your clothes, we'll go play some golf."

This seemed to quiet Commodus long enough for Laure and Dande to make plans to go riding and watch Ghostbusters later that week. As Laure and the RB headed to the links, Dande picked up her office furniture requistions and decorating requests. She needed to drop them off at Shana's office on her way back to the build site. She wondered how her Mastah was doing at Home Depot and how he would feel about her working.

~*~

The Range Rover and the BMW both entered the Home Depot carpark at breakneck speed and battled over the best parking place. As the masculine trio strode into the shop, Darry lagged behind, not wanting to get caught up in the karma that was men shopping for tools and stuff.

Pelham refused to push the cart. The Hippie wasn't impressed by the poor rendition of doe eyes that Darry attempted, and Cic was too busy pacing up and down the aisles, so Darry dumped her handbag in the cart and leaned against it, pushing it behind them with a put-upon air.

At least she was getting some appreciative looks from the other shoppers, seeing as she was one of only a few women in the store, and the only one wearing a Gaultier dress.

Every now and then, Cic would dash back to the cart to put something in it and give her a smile or a peck on the cheek, then dash back into the depths of the store, intent on checking off the next thing on LP's list.

Darry stopped at the lamp department, vaguely thinking that she needed to get Dor a present for the newly spruced up Library. LP joined her. "I couldn't possibly sit beside that," he said pointing at a Tiffany. "It's common-looking."

"Oh, of course," Darry agreed sarcastically. "And your familiarity with electric light is so extensive..." She pushed the cart into the next department. Nails and screws. Great, they'd be here all day.

~*~

Emmy sat at her new desk, arranging her paperwork alphabetically when the door to her office opened and Xani sauntered in. He waved his hand over the neat stacks of paper, sweeping them off the desk and slid on the desk in front of Emmy. "I've missed you, Princess," he purred.

Emmy scowled. "Off my desk. Out of my office. Now," she said, picking up her lightsaber shaped letter opener and placing it dangerously close to a body part Xani was fond of.

"I own your desk and your office and I'll stay, princess," he said, carefully pushing the letter opener away. "I'm here on," Xani paused for a moment leering at Emmy's cleavage, then continued, "official university business. I demand a seat on the Board."

Emmy frowned. "No," she said. "The General is on the Board."

"Well as much as I dislike being in the presence of that dull do-gooder, as owner of the university, I have a right to be on the Board of Directors."

Emmy sighed. If it weren't for the lack of General loving and that orange jumpsuit, prison would be looking good.

~*~

Two hours later, Darry, almost lost behind a mountain of building equipment, followed the increasingly loud sound of three varieties of British accent to the outdoor cooking department. It appeared as though an argument was ensuing.

"This would look so good out on that porch."

"We don't need it."

"Of course you need it. They're wonderful. The Library already has two. The Clinic needs one too."

"The Nurse hates to cook and I don't want one."

"C'mon lads, I'm paying for it. What could be nicer than a George Foreman barbecue?"

"No," said two voices simultaneously.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Well, alright, then. Come, Cicero, there is still much to buy."

Darry pushed the cart forward, assuming the trio had moved on. The Hippie appeared beside her. "You really need to stop mind-whammying people," she said.

"It just seemed to be the perfect time to use it," Qui-Gon replied.

"I mean it. You mind-whammy my servant one more time and I'll sneak into that cottage and leave leeches all over the place." (Hmm, maybe THAT'S what the Library needed.)

The Hippie looked down at the short redhead. "You're not serious, are you?" She glared up at him. "Okay, you look serious. I won't mind-whammy him again. I promise."

"I want your word as a Jedi." They strolled into the drill department.

"You have it."

"Thank you, Qui-Gon." Darry almost sounded sincere. Well, she would. She took the well-being of her men quite seriously. Obi-Wan had once or twice mentioned her dedication- especially when he'd been sick--or committed.

"Wish I had a tape recorder..." the tall Jedi said as he smiled and walked off to look at power tools.

~*~

Another two hours later...

"Everyone has a garden shed. They're so quaint," LP insisted.

"But I'm not sure if Dande would approve," Qui-Gon sounded skeptical. But, of course she would once he explained to her how important it was for an alpha male to have his own work place outside of the home. What was he thinking? She would know that already. Yes, she was a powerful Wench, indeed.

"Now, which one do you want?" Pelham asked as he and Qui-Gon inspected several models of sheds on display. One appeared to be shaking slightly.

"I need a tall one. And it must be large enough to house that Weed-Eater and John Deere riding mower you picked out."

"Well, I believe that one seems to be...uh...sturdy enough," replied LP, pointing at the shaking shed, that now seemed to be emitting low moans.

"Can't you two go one afternoon without- without- this?" Qui-Gon loudly asked the shed.

"No!" shouted two voices at once from the interior of the small lean-to.

Sighing with exasperation, the Hippie moved to catch up with LP, who had wandered off to look at garden gnomes.

~*~

The four HSU residents stood at the check-out counter. The staff had had to open three more lanes to accommodate the time it would take to scan everything the boys had picked out.

"You'd like all this delivered?" the clerk asked.

"But of course we do. We don't have room for it all in our coaches- cars," LP recovered quickly.

"And don't forget. I want a new shed, not the display model," Qui-Gon reminded the clerk. Darry inspected her nails.

"And you asked to send over two George Foreman barbecues, right?"

LP tried to "shhh" the clerk. "That was to be a surprise," he muttered.

"Pelham, for the last time, we don't want any barbecues," Cicero explained to his friend.

"But we appreciate the sentiment," Darry said, unconvincingly.

"That'll be twelve thousand six hundred forty-eight dollars and twenty-seven cents please," the clerk said as coolly as possible. None of the four even flinched. Darry and LP were used to spending outrageous amounts of money. Cic and the Hippie had no conception of the numbers.

Pelham handed over the platinum card. "Offworld?" the clerk asked. What were banks calling themselves these days? He ran the card through and it cleared after a few moments. LP wrote his long involved signature on the carbon slip with a flourish.

The clerk gave LP his copy as Darry put her purchase on the moving counter. "What is that?" the Hippie asked, pointing at the mounted singing lobster the clerk was trying unsuccessfully to cram into a bag.

"It's Dor's new EA alarm and a housewarming present for the Library." Darry handed her gold card to the clerk.

Cicero blinked at the lobster. "I could have built one, but I haven't gotten that book yet."

"That's okay, sweetie." Darry said as the clerk handed back her National Treasury of Naboo VISA. "I wouldn't want you to have to make something so tacky."

Cic brightened a bit, not really sure what she was on about...as usual.

~*~

The BMW and Land Rover screeched to stops in the HSU carpark. The Home Depot deliveryman had already been by, the four having stopped to pick up pizza on the way home.

Tasha and Dande stared at the pile of stuff that had been unloaded from the delivery van. "Well," said Tasha. "That should keep us all out of trouble for awhile. Are you sure all this was just for the porch?"

"Yes," said Qui-Gon, almost smiling sheepishly.

"You did very well," said Dande, wrapping her hands around a bicep.

Dorotea came plodding down to the cottage dragging behind her something wrapped in colourful paper. She stopped when she reached the group and held out her hand to LP, giving him a meaningful look.

"M'lady," oozed LP, handing Dorotea back the credit card.

"Here, this is from us for your newly refurbished home," Darry held out the mounted lobster.

"Gee...thanks," Dorotea said, smiling sweetly and quite insincerely at the Nurse and the doctor. "And this is for the new cottage." She stepped aside while making a sweeping motion with her spare hand a la Price is Right. "Ta da!"

"What is it?" asked Dande, who loved gifts.

"A George Foreman barbecue!"

~*~

As QG, Cic and LP unloaded the lumber and hardware for the porch, Dande tiptoed over the construction materials and tapped her Hippie on the shoulder. "Mastah, I need to discuss something with you for a few minutes, ok?" When he saw the size of Dande's doe eyes, it gave him pause. The pair walked around to the side of the house, out of ear shot of the others.

"Qui-Gon, I have something to tell you...I'm, I'm...I'm going to be doing some counseling again!" The Wench said, finishing with a really upbeat look on her face trying desperately to sell this as something that would make the Tall One happy.

"That's nice, cara," the Mastah man said. "Just make sure they don't come over during my meditation times, or when you are taking care of my hair." He patted her on the head, and turned to resume work on the porch.

"Umm, Maitre mon Chere, the thing is...ummm, I am going to have an office in the main administration building, with Laure. You remember Laure, the one with the muffins?" Dande added hopefully.

The Hippie stopped in his tracks, and slowly turned to face his Wench. "You mean, you won't be here all the time?" He asked incredulously. "Why do you want to be away all day? Why not help the Ho's with their troubles from here?"

"Big man, do you really want Ho's in crisis coming over here to talk about their problems all day?"

The Mastah thought for a moment, then cleared his throat. "I see. Do you think, Cara, that you could perhaps work part time? Certain hours or days of the week?" He asked her, his voice smooth and deep, turning up the wattage on his Jedi Mastah charm. Dande wavered, and he knew it was time to move in for the kill. He strode purposfully over to his Wench, and nuzzled her neck, all but purring as he whispered in her ear. "Part time...and... no Ho's banging on the door in the middle of the night?" Dande's eyes were glazed and she began to stammer....It was over, he knew he had won. "Say yes now Dandie." He growled softly.

In her near catatonic state, it was all Dande could do to nod and say..."Ye-Yes Mastah Dahling."

Qui-Gon smiled to himself as he walked back to the work site. There were counter measures to doe eyes, after all. It was good to be Da Mastah.

~*~

While Ellie strategically placed EA alarms around the cottage, Cic, the miners and the hippie worked on building the porch.

Dorotea, Michelle and Maeve were, uh, supervising. Said supervision consisted mostly of bringing glasses of lemonade to Da Mastah and swooning at the sight of him working shirtless in the sun.

Ellie pushed the test button on the new alarm and Obi-Wan's scream filled the garden area, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!".

Michelle and Maeve paled and almost fainted. "Not again," Maeve whispered.

Qui-Gon grimaced and glared at Ellie. Ellie smiled with satisfaction. "That oughta make those Ho's think twice about visiting."

Dorotea furrowed her brows. "That sounds familar, what is that from?"

~*~

Brenda sat at her desk writing a memo announcing the number of new students while LP brushed and braided her hair.

"M'lady, what conditioner have you been using?"

"I just use Pert. It has built-in conditioner."

LP cringed and shook his head. "M'lady finish the memo and then we must go shopping. Clinique has a product that would do wonders for your hair. While we are at the mall, we will buy you some new clothes also. You are a director now, you need to dress the part."

Brenda sighed and shook her head. At least he had good taste.

~*~

Ellie walked over to Dorotea. "You! You get TWO! Count 'em," Ellie said holding up three EA applications, one taped together, one laminated and one written in lavender ink.

"One. Two. Three. Hmm..."

"Not Hmm! Tell me which two you want and then don't even think about changing your mind!"

Dorotea bit her bottom lip. "Um, er, well, ah, hmm..."

Ellie stamped her foot. "Sometime this decade would be good."

Dorotea sighed. She really hated rules and decisions. "Let me talk to someone; I'll let you know in a few minutes."

Dorotea turned away from Ellie and looked around. Michelle? No. Maeve? No. Qui-Gon? Er, sure why not.

Dorotea walked over to the sweaty Hippie and grabbed his hand. "We need to talk," she said leading him inside the cottage.

Dorotea plopped down on the unfinished floor and the Hippie sat across from her. "What do you need to talk about?" Qui-Gon asked cautiously.

"Well," Dorotea sighed, twisting her hair around her finger, and took a deep breath before starting her rush of words. "I can't decide which EA's I want. It's so hard to choose just two. There are so many wonderful men around. LP is wonderful and I have something special with him, plus he does my hair for me. If I could just get him to stop ordering all that junk from QVC, but at least he's not using my charge card anymore. Kai is, is, well, okay, he's pretty dead. But I love his singing and he's a very good listener, and he doesn't ask for anything other than protoblood. But since he's dead dead, he has no sex drive. I mean I even tried Viagra in his protoblood, but you know, it was good for me, but you know the fact that he doesn't feel anything is unsettling. But sex isn't everything. Is it?"

Qui-Gon patted Dorotea's leg and smiled condescendingly at her. "Dorotea, I don't know why you get so worked up about these things. You know you don't even need an EA for your Mastah."

Dorotea continued twisting her hair around her finger and continued as if she hadn't heard Qui-Gon. "Then there is Xanatos."

Qui-Gon grimaced. "He is dangerous and can't be trusted. You shouldn't go near him, let alone try to have a relationship with him," the Hippie said sternly.

Dorotea, lost in her thoughts of Xanatos, missed the warning. Her mind made up, she grinned, leaned over and kissed the Hippie, then jumped up, and said, "Thanks for the help."

She walked out the door, filing the fact that the EA alarm hadn't gone off when she had kissed the Da Mastah in the back of her head and went over to Ellie who was watching her pet, Haken, do heavy lifting, and said, "I'll take Xani and LP. You can have Logan, shred Kai-er-my EA for him that is. But I'm keeping him in the fridge and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. I'm not afraid to get out the big spell book."

Ellie nodded, just happy the Librarian had finally made up her mind and hoping it would last. Dorotea grabbed the EA applications from Ellie and lifted her arm skyward. "I swear, with the Force as my witness, I will never go EA'less again!" She handed the applications back to Ellie and walked back toward the Admin building.

~*~

Julia and Sere sat in the booth at the radio station twirling in their chairs waiting for the end of Duran Duran's Wild Boys.

"Okay," Julia said into the microphone. "That was for all the men on campus. Now with all the news of that's fit to put on the airwaves, which isn't much around here, here's Sere."

Sere cleared her throat and in perfect newscaster voice said, "First, a press release from the Dean's Office -- Judy and Xanatos have been added to the Board of Directors." Julia snickered and Sere frowned at her. "Congratulations and good luck. Also, we'd like to welcome a few of our new students, Tara, Michelle, and Elaine. May you have many, many fulfilling appointments with the General."

Sere shuffled through the papers for a second and continued. "Here's an amazing story from the Library. Apparently the Librarian has settled down to two EA's, LP and Xanatos and she swears she'll stick with them and only them for at least a month. Go Dorotea, and don't forget to lock up your valuables."

Julia smiled at her sister and cued up the next song. "We're happy to announce the return of the Wench, Dande. Dande will be working as the campus Counselor. We suspect she will be very busy...this song is for you, Wench."

"Crazy for you...."

THE END