"As Dean of the University, would it interest you to know that half the 'mining' camp burned down last night as a result of the bonfire, and that Laure's former boy toy's Guard have taken to digging fire trenches in your rugby pitch?"

Emmy glared at Tom Servo. "What?"

Servo sighed, just barely audibly. "As Dean of this University would it int--"

"That little whiny brat won't know what hit him," Emmy growled as she shot out of her chair and marched out of her office.

"Guess so," Servo said.

Emmy rounded the corner and ran smack into the General.

Emmy took a step back.

The General took a step back. "I'm sorry, I didn't see you."

"Figures," Emmy said, stepping quickly around him and taking off down the hall.

~*~

Emmy's eyes narrowed as she surveyed the scorched rugby pitch. Seemingly unfazed Gladiators lounged in the autumn sun on the outskirts of the makeshift Imperial encampment.

"When will they fight? I want to see them fight."

Emmy slowly turned her head toward the sound of the petulant voice.

And then she marched, dead ahead, with fury in her eyes.

"You're BUG SQUAT, you stupid little wack!"

The scrape of simultaneous swords being drawn stopped the Diva in her tracks. She put her hands on her hips and eyed the Praetorians who had circled her, their swords all pointed at her neck.

Emmy turned her head toward Quintus, who was dutifully next to his emperor's side. "Don't make me hurt them!" she yelled with full-blown confidence.

"This woman vexes me," Commodus said. "She is most unpleasant."

"Bite me, rat bastard! You have two minutes to get your ass and these neanderthals off my property!"

Commodus sighed. Then he extended his arm and gave his Guard the thumbs up.

The Guard backed away and lowered their swords.

And then Commodus turned his thumb down.

"You're dead!" Emmy yelled as the Praetorians lunged forward at her.

Then Quintus barked something in Latin, and the Guard stepped back.

"What are you doing, Quintus?" Commo whined.

Quintus scratched his head. "If it pleases Caesar," he said, stalling for time, "this…..woman…..is the proprietress of this land's only Colliseum. Perhaps an arrangement could be made."

The RB's face brightened considerably. "Games! We will have games and the people will love me."

Emmy took advantage of the RB's short attention span and ran like hell from the rugby pitch back to the admin building.

~*~

"I can't do this."

"What do you mean you can't do this?"

"I can't do this with him watching us like that."

Darry peeked out from under the covers to see LP sitting in a chair across the room watching the bed. Then she hid under the covers again. "He can't see us under here."

"He's still watching us."

"Pelham, aren't you supposed to be in the library?" Darry asked.

"My Lady Dorotea is entertaining that……librarian," he said with appropriate noble snobbery.

Darry sighed and leaned over the side of the bed, keeping herself covered while she fumbled around for her chemise. Shimmying into it, she tossed the covers off and walked over to Pelham. Grabbing three scrunchies, she pulled them over his head to cover his eyes before he could protest. "There," she said, turning around and climbing back into bed.

"But he can still hear us," Cicero said.

"Pelham, plug your ears," Darry said. "See, all better," she smiled as she scrambled on top.

~*~

Emmy sat in her office, loudly tapping a pen against her desk. She was going to get rid of those Praetorians and send the RB crawling back to Laure if it killed her. The method was the challenging part.

There was always the General. If he knew what was going on out there, he would never stand for it, *especially* if he knew that those meatheads were threatening her.

But how could the General not know what was going on out there. He had windows in his office *and* his rooms, after all.

And what about this freakin' Force business?

How could he not know that her life had just been threatened? And where was he? Did he show up and try to help her?

"Bastard," Emmy muttered under breath. She sighed and plunked her head against the desk. "Plan B….Plan B……" She tapped her pen on the desk again. And then she sat up quickly. "I've got it!"

~*~

Kendra yawned, nearly falling asleep during her latest round of Minesweeper. This was pathetic. She had resorted to playing Windows games. She could be boinking the General. That is, of course, if he weren't out golfing with Laure.

He probably never wanted to speak to her again.

Kendra looked up hopefully as the door opened…..only to find a determined Diva marching toward her. "Oh terrific," she mumbled.

"Kendra," Emmy said.

"He's not here."

"I need a blonde."

Kendra paused. She raised an eyebrow at Emmy. "You just took one EA. You want another one now?"

"No, I need a blonde to help me. C'mon," Emmy said, turning before Kendra had a chance to answer.

Kendra watched the Diva's confident retreat. Well, whatever this was, it had to be more interesting than Minesweeper.

~*~

"Where are we going?" Kendra asked as Emmy led her out on the lawn.

"To Dande's. I'll need her help, too."

"So what are we doing?"

"You wanna help get rid of those Praetorians for good?"

"Absolutely," Kendra said. "They smell. Not to mention annoying." Kendra saw the glimpse of a smile on Emmy's face. "So what's our plan? And why did you bring along a tablecloth?"

Emmy looked down at the crimson tablecloth with gold brocade borders. "You'll see," she said with a grin.

~*~

Dande peeked out the window as she dusted the windowsill with her feather duster.

Actually….

Dande dusted the windowsill with her feather duster so she could peek out the window. Her cottage was lovely but so far removed from good dish these days.

Then she caught sight of Emmy and Kendra walking toward the cottage.

"We have guests, Mastah darling!"

Then Dande remembered that it was Emmy coming to visit.

"Mastah darling," Dande called out, hurrying toward the back door. "On second thought that trellis that you constructed this morning does seem a little crooked."

Qui-Gon gave her a smile as he entered the kitchen.

"Just a little," Dande said. "Very inconsequential to anyone who didn't know that--"

"I will fix it now," he said, heading out the back door, happy to have something to do besides hear what these women of Obi-Wan's were up to.

Dande made big doe eyes and batted her lashes in thanks.

Then she hurried to the front door to greet her guests. "Hey, girlies! Dish me!"

"Dande, I need your help," Emmy said, dragging Kendra in with her.

"What is it?"

"Give her curly hair."

"What?" Kendra said.

"Trust her," Emmy said, "she knows hair."

Kendra gave the Wench a wary glance as she smiled and nodded her head and big hair.

~*~

"It's beautiful!" Dande gushed, tossing Kendra's curls around and waving the curling iron in the air.

Emmy ducked to avoid the molten iron and shook out the tablecloth. "Okay, stand up."

"Hold on," Kendra said. "I've been a good sport about this. But you need to tell me what's going on."

"You'll see," Emmy said, tossing the tablecloth over Kendra's head and then wrapping it around her body, leaving just a tiny space for Kendra's face. "Look," Emmy said, guiding Kendra to the mirror.

Kendra scrunched her face in confusion. So she had curly hair. And a big red and gold toga looking thing. "I still don't get it. What the--" Kendra's mouth dropped open as realization struck her. "No freakin' way! No ma'am! No way, no how!"

Emmy put her hands on her hips. "Do you want to be rid of them or not??"

"Hey, *you* do it if you think this is such a great idea," Kendra charged.

"I'm brunette," Emmy said. "I could never pull this off. Don't worry, I'll protect you."

"Oh yeah, nothing to worry about at all!" Kendra replied sarcastically.

"We'll take Haken with us," Emmy said. "It'll be fine. Won't it, Dande."

"Uh…. Haken is very good in a fight," Dande offered, trying to be as helpful as possible.

"C'mon!" Emmy said, dragging Kendra by the arm and out of the cottage.

~*~

"Ya, Haken gots da schpeil. Ya, ya," he said with an enthusiastic nod.

"Okay, good," Emmy said. "Let's go."

"If he so much as touches me, I'll--"

"Relax. It'll be fine," Emmy said, leading the way out to the rugby pitch. "Oopsie, watch the flaming the trenches there. I don't know if that tablecloth is fire retardant."

"And to think I tried to get the General to make up with you," Kendra mumbled. "Look where it got me." She tugged on the tablecloth, trying to pull it down over her face as far as she could.

~*~

"Wait, wait," Giles said, adjusting his glasses. "You mean to tell me that you *successfully* resurrected the Praetorian Guard?"

"Yep," Dorotea said, smiling and nodding.

"That's….that's amazing."

"Yeah, I thought so," she said. "But nobody seems to appreciate all the hard work I do, you know."

"Yes," Giles said with a slight smile. "Yes, I understand quite well."

~*~

"And we shall have tigers and chariots and Gauls. Quintus, we need to find those Gauls who escaped into the woods."

"Yes, of course," Quintus said with a bow.

"Perhaps I shall fight as well," Commodus said. "Prove my leadership to the people and--" He stopped in mid-self-emulation as he caught sight of the approaching party. His knees felt weak and he stumbled forward slightly.

"Sire?" Quintus said, catching his elbow as RB stumbled.

"Lucilla," the RB gasped.

Quintus sighed and looked up in the direction the RB was looking. "Oh bloody hell," he muttered at the sight of the Diva and some other woman wrapped up in a tablecloth with many fold lines in it.

"Stand down!" the RB shouted as the Praetorians surrounded the women. He jumped off his makeshift platform that was beginning to sag in the middle under the weight of his throne….which was actually the backseat out of one of the HSU Suburbans.

"Oh God, he's lookin' at me funny," Kendra said.

"Shhh, just play cool. I'll handle this," Emmy said.

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Lucilla!" the RB called out, his hand over his heart as he quickly approached her. "I have been searching for you for so--"

"Okay, listen up little rat bastard," Emmy said. "Your sister brings news. Your enemies are camped just north of this land, preparing an attack on your Empire."

The RB's eyes grew wide. He grabbed Kendra's hand, and she quickly yanked it away from him, tripping on the long end of the tablecloth as she did so. Luckily, she stumbled back into Haken instead of forward into the fawning RB.

"Sister, I have missed you so," the RB said.

"Hey, I'm talkin' to you," Emmy said, tapping him insistently on his shoulder. "Your enemies are planning to take over your land."

"I was so terribly vexed that I could not find you," the RB said.

"I'm really gonna puke," Kendra whispered to Emmy. "Hurry up."

"So I think your Praetorians should come with me and scope it out," Emmy said.

The RB dropped to his knees. "Lucilla, I did not know if you had stopped loving me."

"So I'm taking your Guard, alright?" Emmy said a little louder.

"But you have returned to me," the RB said joyfully.

"Okay, boys," Emmy said to the perplexed Praetorians. "You're coming with me!"

The Praetorians all turned to look at Quintus, who bore a scowl on his face.

Emmy looked at Quintus. "You mean to tell me you'd rather be this twerp's stool pigeon than get laid?"

Quintus looked down at the simpering Emperor. Then he sighed and threw his hands in the air and turned around and walked away.

"Great!" Emmy said. "Let's go!"

"You can't leave me here with him!" Kendra said.

Emmy turned to face Kendra as the Praetorians began to march back toward the buildings. "Like I told you. Just wait til I get the Praetorians around the building to the back driveway. Then have Haken wrap Commo up in that tablecloth. And then run."

"You owe me big!" Kendra said.

"Yeah, yeah," Emmy said, flapping her hand and hurrying to catch up with the Guard.

~*~

Xani cackled as he looked out the window. "What the hell is she doing?"

Laure rose on the bed and shut the blinds. "I really, really, really, *really* don't want to know."

"You think she's gonna let *all* those guys do her at the same time?" Xani said. "OW! What'd I say??"

~*~

"That's right," Emmy said, directing the Praetorians forward. "It's called a bus. Just get on. It doesn't bite."

The Praetorians murmured in Latin and broken English, mostly saying "beer".

"Yeah, that's right!" Emmy said. "Beer! Now get on!"

The Praetorians shrugged and nodded, all quickly boarding the bus.

Emmy reached into her pocket and tossed the driver a wad of cash. "Take them to Hooters and leave them there."

"Huh?"

"As soon as the last one is off the bus, get the hell out of there, got it?" Emmy said. "No return trip," she said with a triumphant smile.

~*~

"There, there," Judy said, handing Kendra another bag of gummy fish. "You said yourself that he didn't touch you."

"Yeah, but he looked at me!" Kendra bemoaned. "All the while thinking I was his SISTER! And then he made happy little cooing noises when Haken wrapped him up in *my* tablecloth."

"She has a point there," Ellie said.

Judy held up a jumbo margarita to her padawan. "Now, drink this down. You'll feel *all* better."

"Okay," Kendra said somewhat pathetically.

"Logan could have taken on all those guys," Ellie said. "You should have asked me."

"Why?!" Kendra said. "So he could slash up my waterbed again?"

Ellie huffed. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Just keep drinking it, Kendra," Judy said. "There you go."

"Judith darling."

Judy spun around.

Kendra choked on her drink.

Ellie waggled her eyebrows.

"I didn't even hear you come in," Judy said with a sly grin.

Kendra looked to the very, very bottom of her glass so she wouldn't have to look at the General.

The General returned Judy's smile. "I thought you liked it when I snuck up on you."

"Oh, I'm not complaining," Judy said with a bigger grin.

The General took Judy's hand and kissed it. "Would you mind terribly if I stole Kendra away from you?"

Kendra's eyes grew wide and she choked on her drink again. Then she gasped when she felt the General's hand on her back.

"Be my guest," Judy said.

Kendra's brain, somewhat dulled by tequila, tried to keep up as the General led her away from the bar and into the hallway.

"Have fun," Ellie said as Judy laughed knowingly.

~*~

"Do we have to discuss this again?"

"But he called me a princess! Me. He called *me* a princess!"

"So you've told me," Jerome replied dryly.

Emmy slumped in the chair, her feet propped up on Jerome's lap. "And he won't even let me have a puppy."

Jerome began to laugh.

"What's so funny?" Emmy asked indignantly.

"You don't seem to be the type of woman who waits around for a man to *let* her do anything."

Emmy's face brightened. "Yeah," she said. "Yeah, you're right!"

"Where are you going?" Jerome asked as Emmy jumped up and grabbed her purse.

"Gotta run, important stuff to do," Emmy said, hurrying toward the door.

"But--"

"Bye!"

~*~

"What is going on out there?" the General asked, finally looking out across the grounds and spotting the rugby pitch, which seemed to feature a stage of some sort.

"Oh nothing," Laure said, turning him back toward the building. "Preparing the field for rugby practice."

"Flaming trenches?" the General said, looking over his shoulder.

"It's a tough game," Laure said. Then she suddenly cringed and groaned as a police car turned in the long driveway. "Oh, now what!" she exclaimed.

The General arched an eyebrow, so seldom it was that his mediator lost her temper. "I'm sure everything is fine," he said, stroking her hair.

"Hello," Laure said. "Where have you been for the past….well….forever?"

"Let's just see what the man wants. Maybe he's lost," the General said.

"He's a cop!" Laure said as the General walked toward the car.

"Sir, I'd like to ask you a few questions," the policeman said as he stepped out of his car.

"Of course," the General replied.

"Sir, do you know anything about a large group of men from your University making a trip to Testosterone County last night?"

"Officer," the General said with a pleasant smile. "This school is exclusively for women. The only notable group of men here are our miners, and they are all accounted for," the General said, gesturing toward the field where the Gladiators were, thankfully, reconstructing their tents in respectable fashion.

"Sir, a bus with your logo was spotted dropping off a large group of men at Hooters in Testosterone County. We are now holding them all in the Testosterone County jail pending arraignment for drunk and disorderly, aggravated assault, illegal arms possession, and second-degree robbery for breaking into a Taco Bell and bowling alley after the Hooters establishment closed for the night."

"Well, Officer," the General said, "as I told you, I have no idea who those men are. I can assure you that no one here at Hestia State would participate in such activities, as we have no men here besides myself, the aforementioned miners, and two janitors."

Laure coughed to keep from smiling. He was so cute when delusional.

The officer nodded. "Well, thank you for your time, sir. I was hoping to get an ID on these individuals. Sorry to bother you," he said as he got back in his car.

The General smiled politely and watched as the officer drove away. "Strange," he said.

"Oh yeah," Laure said. "Real strange alright." She glanced over as Darry's BMW drove up the driveway with Emmy at the wheel. "Speaking of strange."

"Perhaps I should go inside and check my schedule," the General said, turning quickly and walking into the building.

The BMW came to a stop inside the garage. Emmy stepped out of the car. And then she pulled a long tether of sorts. And then a bouncing black lab puppy scrambled out of Darry's car, trotting along after Emmy as it chewed on its leash.

"Oh great," Laure said.

"Look everybody!" Emmy announced. "I got a puppy!"