Title: Tour of Duty
Author: NurseDarry
Rating: WIE (Where is everyone)
Disclaimer: You really want this shite, boys?

~*~

Pelham gallantly offered his arm to the girl's mother and she giggled stupidly as she took it, happy for the attention. The girl and her father followed behind, listening to LP's cultured voice, as he described the finer aspects of the HSU campus, curriculum and staff.

"We met at the Administration Building, if you remember," LP said, gesturing behind him. That houses many of the offices and is also home to many of the staff.

"Good thinking," said the father gruffly. "No wasting time commuting to work."

What work? Thought LP, but he said, "Yes, our staff are fully committed to the welfare of the University and its students."

~*~

"Remedial Ho classes? This sucks," groused Tara as she opened her textbook, which contained big pictures and small words.

"How are we all today, class?" the instructor said.

"Fine..." intoned the group of Wench-like girls, who, with the exception of Tara, sat twirling the their hair between their manicured fingers.

"Wrong answer," said the instructor sharply. "A Ho would never reply thusly to such a condescending question."

"Oh, bite me," Tara whispered under her breath.

"Perfect!" said the teacher. "Gold star for this young lady."

"I farkin hate gold!" Tara exclaimed, still sulking.

"Again, the perfect response! I can see you'll do well in this class, my young Ho."

~*~

"Mr. Pelham, and tell us about this President. What's his background? Who are his people?" The woman asked.

"He's a very famous man," LP waffled. "The highest pedigree. From old money, I believe."

"So he doesn't approve of any of the baser activities that take place on most college campuses, then?" The woman continued. "Fraternity parties and muddy sports and such."

"Oh no, madam," LP gave her arm a reassuring squeeze, and the woman blushed. "He condones only the most high brow of social events."

~*~

"Oh Emmy," the General panted. "You feel so gooood."

The couple rolled off the bed and across the nightstand, which shattered into bits under them.

"More," Emmy breathed into the General's ear, as she pulled him closer. "I need you so much."

"Woof, woof" barked Lasher, who was leashed up outside Emmy's bedroom. Kymira's troubled tiger strolled over to the exuberant puppy and they touched noses briefly. Then they both peed on the floor.

~*~

"And there are dining facilities on the campus? Are they included with the cost of room and board?" The father asked LP.

"The finest in haute cuisine is offered to the under and upper classmen, served in a luxurious manner," LP assured him.

~*~

"I'm telling you, it was faulty. You need to recall the batch!" Judy insisted to the lady from the FDA. "It was far too slippery to be used as linseed oil should be. Ky, your order of wings is up. Get it yourself, ok? I'm busy with this bureaucrat."

Kymira stood up and walked to the bar. When she returned, she found her EA sitting at "their" booth and holding a flask.

"I hate this job," he complained, taking a long gulp.

"What a surprise," Kymira said, putting the plate of Buffalo wings down on the table and sitting. "Don't you have to be out there taking orders or something?" She morosely began picking at her lunch.

"Ky, the only orders I want to take are you ordering me to bed. To hell with the Emperor."

"C'mon, I'll get the rest of lunch 'to go'," Ky said smiling.

~*~

"Is there a campus shuttle?" The father asked gruffly. "We don't want to buy our daughter a new car."

"Daaaaddd...." the girl whined.

"Oh, absolutely!" LP assured them. "Uh...that's it." He motioned at the staff carpark.

"What! That POS Volvo?" The girl asked, astonished.

"Er...no. That." LP gestured at Giles' flash convertible.

~*~

"Someone's pointing at our cars," Giles said, as he sat up and looked through the Library window.

Dorotea glanced briefly in the direction he was indicating. "If that fop thinks he can pawn off my car off for more QVC crap, he's got another thing coming!" Dorotea made for the door.

"Love, maybe you better not race out wearing just the unabridged version of the Oxford English Dictionary," Giles advised, catching the book as it fell from Dorotea's bosom.

~*~

"Is medical insurance covered by the school?" The mother asked LP, as he steered them clear of the rugby pitch, from which the odour of burning golf clubs was still emanating.

"Absolutely," LP stated firmly. "The grrls here are encouraged to maintain good health and any emergencies are dealt with quickly and efficiently- all at the school's expense."

~*~

Cal knocked weakly on the Clinic door. "Uh...I think I need some stitches," he said, feeling faint. "And maybe some blood." He collapsed in a heap by the door.

Upstairs, the blankets on the large bed stirred. "Darry, did you hear something?"

"Just you. I take it you like that."

"Ah...ah...oh gods!"

"Oh, I just love it when you talk all Roman."

Outside the door, Elaine strolled by the Padawanbe and rolled her eyes. "Ha! You'll be lucky... Here, I think I have a Band-Aid somewhere..."

~*~

"And the Career Counseling Center? We want our little girl to be able to get a good job after graduating from this school."

LP led them toward the stables. "We have Career, Mediation, and Counseling services at HSU, madam."

"Sounds very comprehensive."

~*~

"Laure, my love. I know you're in there. Please answer your Emperor."

"Oh, hell."

"This is actually quite arousing. There's something hot about having someone pound on the door during foreplay."

"Maybe for you it is, Greysider, but not for this Ho." Laure rose from her bed and stalked to the door. She pounded on it. "Shut up!"

"Laure, please. You're my life's love."

"Bullshit."

"All right, my second favourite love. And I've stopped carrying around my sister's dress and everything."

"Gee, that makes me feel so much better. Now shove off!" The mediator turned back to the bed and Xanatos. "Hey! Who said you could start without me!?"

~*~

"Qui-Gon, are you going to be in that shed all day?" Dande said very sweetly. "Because if you are, I can bring your lunch out to you."

The shed door opened and The Mastah stuck his head out. "You're too good to my, my love."

Doe eyes ensued. "It's my pleasure."

"Mmmmmmmmm...." Gentle rumbling of voice through strong chest.

THUD.

~*~

"Is there a yearbook?" The girl finally spoke up as the quartet made there way toward the student dorms.

"Oh yes, m'lady." The girl dimpled. "We have a yearbook, a newspaper and a radio station, all run by the department of Broadcasting and Journalism. They are world re-known. I believe they have worked with NPR."

~*~

"Julia, what did you do with the National Pornography Report that came with Jen's latest Pink Banana catalogue? I need it for filler in the next Tattler edition."

Sere looked up at her sister from the collection of CDs she was sorting out for the Halloween bash. "I think Shana's secretary borrowed it. Something about one of the stories surrounding a 'Sex and the City' scandal, or something like that."

~*~

"Why is that girl burning a table cloth?" The mother asked politely as LP quickly steered them in the opposite direction.

"Part of the Fashion Department, I believe. The girls here are encouraged to be stylish- something of my specialty- and anything out of season is dealt with harshly."

~*~

"Grrr...."

"You like the black feather boa or the red silk one better, Maulie?"

Riiiiiiiiipppppp!

"Grrr..."

"That's what I thought," Tasha nodded and slammed the garden shed door shut.

~*~

"And the teachers here are all PhDs, correct?" The father said, immune to LP's style and suave nature.

"Oh, but of course," LP replied almost indignantly. "We have nothing but the best professors in their field here teaching classes. And all are PhDs." LP briefly wondered what a PhD was.

~*~

"Oooooh, Dr. Jones. I'm not sure I know the answer to that. Can I just have a moment to think?" Ellie chewed her lip prettily. "Okay, I know. The Inca civilization was doomed with Pizarro's arrival because...LIE DOWN I THINK I LOVE YOU!"

Ellie lunged across the lectern.

~*~

"Well, I'm sold," said the mother as LP directed them back into the Administration Building.

"Me too," the girl said.

The party passed the OSA office in time to hear "You forget about that stupid Catrell woman now or I have Scott melt you down into one of Jael's bras!"

"Er..." Pelham began. "Fancy dress ball coming up, you know."

"Ahh, that explains the scene in your office," the father said smiling, as they passed by Public Relations in time to see JenJen showing Brenda her Halloween costume.

"Yes...." LP quickly covered, showing them the door. "Welcome to HSU."

END